I felt guilty about lying to my parents

[avaanti]

The title is pretty self-explanatory.

My family is strict, old-school, and semi-conservative (IDK if that’s a thing but they’re not that conservative).

They’re definitely not open about “sex before marriage” thing.

Although my boyfriend and I always practice safe sex, I still feel guilty about lying to my parents about it. The guilt is immense, intense. I don’t know what to do about it. I am definitely screwed if they ever find out.

Recently, I found out that my brother is sexually active again (and more reckless than I am, he didn’t practice safe sex). I’m both scared and worried for him, he’s got a whole future in front of him, I just don’t want him to do something that’ll mess up his life and both his partner’s life, like catch a disease, or unwanted pregnancy. He’s had multiples whilst I only have one partner since my first time, and well…. He’s reckless about it. I don’t know how to talk to him about wanting him to practice more safe sex, than unsafe ones. Neither of us know about each other’s sex’s life. It’s taboo. But I really don’t want anything unwanted to happen to him.

But also I don’t want our parents to know, still. It’s just…. No. I can’t have them know about it. I cannot break their hearts like that, but I deserve to have a life of my own too, I think.

What should I do?

[Heather]

Hi again, aavanti. I'm sorry that you're feeling like this.

I do want to be clear that STIs don't usually mess up- people's lives. Most people with most STIs treat them and are just fine. That's not to say that avoiding them isn's ideal, because of course it is, just like avoiding a cold or cancer is, but it's really important to recognize that it's stigma about sexually transmitted disease that creates the idea people's "lives will be messed up," not the reality of life with STIs. Similar can be said for unwanted pregnancy. It's also perfectly fine for people to choose to have m ore than one partner, and more than one partner isn't automatically less safe than one, anyway. I understand you have these kinds of feelings and thoughts, and it sounds very much like you have grown up soaking in these kinds of ideas, so it's no wonder you do. But I don't want us to lean into that kind of bias here or amplify it. <3

Here are some possible options, in terms of the guilt that you are feeling:
• You could talk to more people about it (or talk more about it, period, including in this conversation here), potentially including a professional like a therapist. This kind of guilt, sexual guilt, is common and very pervasive, and talking to people about it tends to help people gradually let go of it. I'd also strongly suggest you talk with your brother: it seems to me you two might each need the other's support in merely having sexual lives, and maybe if you also build that kind of communication and trust, your brother will be open to hearing you give the suggestion he engage in sex more safely. Too, though, it might be that he doesn't want that advice from you or anyone, and if so, it might actually be good practice for you to still be supportive even when someone isn't making the sexual choices you think they should: that experience could help you a lot, I think, to work through how *you* feel when it comes to your parents and what they might want for *you*.

• You could take some time to think about what your own values and beliefs are around sex: do they match those of your parents or not? If not, if this is a matter of you having different beliefs than they do, and so making different choices, then that kind of thing is often the work of differentiating yourself from your parents more, and working to recognize that their disapproval or upset belongs to them, not you, and is a choice they would make -- they could also choose to accept that you and your brother are your own people who have your own values and will make your own choices. This, after all, is part of the work and responsibility of a parent when raising children to become adults: they need to accept at some point they have given you what they had and now you will do what you choose with it and become your own person.

• You can read up on sexual guilt, in terms of books or articles, to find out more about it and coping with it. We have a handful of advice columns here from people grappling with sexual guilt if you want to start where you already are, like this one: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/culture ... -so-guilty If you enter "guilt" into the search box on the main site you'll see some others crop up. We're also happy to gather some resources for you from other places, if you like.

• If the guilt is really messing with you, you could take some time away from doing what seems to be activating it, to give yourself a breather from it while you figure out what you want to and can do about it. Guilt really can feel suffocating for some people sometimes, and if and when it feels like that, it can simply be more work to get out from under it.

I want to add that what, if anything, you or any other adult child shares with their parents about your sex life gets to be up to you and there's no one right way here. You get to never tell them anything about it your whole life if you want, you could tell them a whole lot about it, or anything in between. They aren't owed that information about you or your life. Whatever you do or don't choose to share with them is mostly going to be about what feels right for you and your relationship with them.

How does all of this sound to you?

[avaanti]

Hi again! Oh, I love your answer, it's still bothering me even now, but it's slightly better now. Thank you and I've read the post you attached, I plan on keeping it with me just so I can go back to read it whenever.

Thank you, for actively helping us here also, I've been using the board a lot these days, I hope that's okay....

[Heather]

It's absolutely okay! You get to use any of our services as much as you want or need. I'm always really glad when someone uses what we have to offer to meet their needs, that's what we're here for!