arousal

[naira]

Hi, I get aroused or feel some sensation down there like the urge to pee or hold squeeze my pelvis when i think about my partner doing things but when he has touched me down there i didn't feel the same thing i was looking here and there for ppl and is it because i was worrying about ppl or i really didnt feel aything?

[char]

Hi Naira! Welcome to the boards ^_^

Could you tell me more about how you and your partner have been doing things? If I'm understanding your question correctly, it sounds like you feel aroused when you are fantasizing things on your own, but not when you are having sex with your partner.

[naira]

Hi, It was not sex but u know those touches on my intimate part (we have been to a park and there were not much public but still i was cautious off course i was nervous and still feel the same when ever he brings that topic that might be normal as it was my first time but i do get a lot of thoughts like how will he feel , will he like it , how will i smell as i get a lot of discharge and all) and he basically tried to rub down there which didn't arouse me i guess but before this scenario when i fantasized i got aroused though.

[Heather]

Hey there, naira. So, when we say "sex" we don't mean one kind of sex, we mean any of the things people can do to physically express their sexualities, including activities like you are describing, rubbing someone's genitals with hands or fingers. For more on that, you can read up here: What's Sex?

Just being touched on or around our genitals doesn't automatically mean we will be excited or aroused: those things mostly happen in our brains, and have to do with how we feel about anyone else involved, if we're in the mood to be sexual, and if the kind of touch we are getting is something that excites us in the moment or not.

Do you feel attracted to your partner? Does the thought of them in general feel sexually exciting to you? Do you want to be sexual with them? And when they touched you, was that something you wanted and asked for yourself, or something he did without really communicating with you?

[naira]

hi, I do feel attracted to my partner, yes when I think in such a way it does excite me. I want to be sexual with him but not now its not like did not want it, I want it but I don't think I am ready now or anytime soon, we usually sext so maybe that made him think i really wanted it and it was our both 1st time experiencing something like that . I think I get too conscious about myself when things happen in reality.

[char]

Hi naira, thank you for providing more context.

So, it sounds like you're not too sure about having in-person sex with your boyfriend at the moment. This is where clear communication becomes super important to avoid misunderstandings and make intimacy better for both of you. Even though you've been responding to his sexts, that doesn't mean you'll agree to be physically intimate with him in person. It completely makes sense that you feel self-conscious or worried about this, especially because it seems like your boyfriend has yet to know that you're not ready for in-person sex.

I would suggest communicating your thoughts and feelings about this to your boyfriend, but first, I think we could discuss and clarify what you would like and would not like to do when it comes to sex (i.e. your preferences). Is that something you'd like to reflect on and then share with us?

[naira]

HI, I actually don't really know what I want I mean I do want to masturbate which I don't know, I feel unless I don't do that I wouldn't actually know what pleasure means and how to guide my partner . I have PCOS due to which a lot of discharge happens and coming to him his does make me feel things I feel a flip in my stomach like when he touch my thighs or ass when he makes sure nobody actually sees us those few times I did feel his touch. when he rubbed me down there it was on my panties only he wanted to do it directly which I objected , and his talks also make me feel things , I feel like squeezing my pelvic

[Latha]

Hi there, Naira!

I think this is some very useful information! It seems like you appreciate when you two talk sexually, and when you sext. It also sounds like you are more comfortable with being touched over your clothes than without them. You are not too sure about doing any more than this in-person, and you would like to spend some time with self-pleasure, to develop a sense of what you like. Is that right?

I think this is all you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend about your current limits. Do you think you can communicate this to him?

Also, I was wondering: you mentioned you were in a public park, though there weren't many people around. Would you feel more comfortable if you had a private space?

I want to share some of our articles on masturbation and pleasure, since they might help you develop a better sense of what you could explore on your own:

• Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation

• Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation

• How to Get Comfortable

[naira]

Hi, I would feel more comfortable in a private place but when I tried to rub myself down there I did not feel anything it was my 1st time even though I was a bit aroused before touching myself down there, then there's no sensation but I do feel like squeezing my pelvic, I feel that tension.

[maille]

Hi, naria,

It sounds like the guidance you have gotten so far has been helpful and I would love to keep the conversation going if that is okay with you. I agree that a private place is not only safer, but would also help you feel at ease.

Like Heather mentioned, a huge part of arousal happens in our brains. Do you think it would be helpful to incorporate your thoughts when being intimate whether with yourself or others?

Also, how did you feel about the articles Latha linked?

[naira]

Hi, yes, I think it will be helpful. And the articles Latha linked helped me understand what it is but I still am confused about how to do it.

[Andy]

Hi there, naira,

I hope it’s okay to jump in. If you want to give experimenting with your thoughts and fantasies a try, this article provides many practical tips how to approach that: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms

I’m glad the articles were helpful. What part of it are you unsure about? If the masturbation, there really isn’t one right way how to do it. It is about pleasure and what is pleasurable is completely different among other people and often the only way to find what works of us is by trying different things. So as long as whatever you are doing is feeling good, that’s the right way to do it! Does that make sense?

[naira]

hi, yes it does make sense and thank you. I still don't know if I'll able to feel that feel.

[Andy]

Hi!

The thing is, unless there are some health issues present, practically all bodies are capable of feeling and experiencing pleasure, so chances are you will too. But the only way to find out is to approach it with an open mindset, try and see how things feel and if they feel good.

Some questions that might be helpful to think about and answer for yourself, or here for us, can be:
Can you think of other ways that bring you (non-sexual) pleasure? That can be anything, like having a nice bath, a good meal, comfortable clothes, massage... (You can read more about why that is important here: I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment)
Secondly, how do you imagine "the feel to feel"? What are you expecting and what do you want from the experience?

[naira]

Hi,
Yes I can think of other ways that bring me pleasure but i wanted to explore this and know how it will make me feel. I wanted to finger myself and I did not feel anything after I was able to insert one if my finger and thought I felt wetness down there, I don't know if it is my discharge or I actually was aroused due to the sexting, I mean it wasn't painful while inserting but a slight burning sensation after I cleaned my self. I want to explore my body and my pleasures.

[Becky]

Hi naira!

Looking back through your posts, I'm hearing a bit of anxiety (worried about other people seeing you and your partner in the park and worried about your discharge/vaginal odor) which is something that can definitely affect our ability to feel arousal. I definitely agree with my fellow volunteers that exploring sexually whether with your partner or by yourself might feel more comfortable in a private space.

Other than that, I would encourage you to just take your time and go at your own pace. Putting pressure on ourselves to feel a certain way or experience sexual pleasure can actually make feeling pleasure more difficult. (Also, I promise that your partner is not thinking about your discharge or smell. These things are always way more noticeable to ourselves than to anyone else and I bet it's not anywhere near as noticeable as you think.) Give yourself permission to relax and feel good. You deserve to feel pleasure if you want to!

If you are interested in exploring pleasure on your own, maybe set the mood for yourself. Dim the lights, light some candles, and take some deep breaths. Take breaks as you need and just see what feels good. (Also, if you were experiencing a burning sensation after experimenting with fingering, I would recommend trying lube/a lubricant next time and see if that makes the experience better for you.)

I also find romantic/erotic fiction as a helpful tool for exploring pleasure and arousal. It's a safe way to get an idea of what turns us on and what doesn't.

How are you feeling about everything right now? I know it can be frustrating when we want something from our bodies and it feels like it's not cooperating.

[naira]

Hi,
Thank you, I'd try dimming the lights next time. I don't know whether i was able to insert because of the arousal or my discharge.

[Becky]

Is something bothering you about not knowing? It sounds like you might be asking how to tell if you are aroused?

Most likely, you will always be able to insert a finger into your vagina regardless of your arousal level. The vagina always has some level of wetness. This is usually referred to as cervical fluid and is what the vagina regularly secretes to keep itself healthy and clean.

When we are aroused, the vagina secretes more fluid, sometimes called arousal fluid. This often feels wetter and more slippery than usual.

[naira]

Then how do I differentiate them. And how do I know if I am ready to insert my fingers.

[Sofi]

As Becky stated, when you're aroused and your vagina is secreting fluid, it'll feel more wet and slippery than just discharge, and usually be more in quantity. The fact that it's "slippery" is part of what makes it easier to insert your fingers, as well as if you're feeling mentally aroused and relaxed. You go with your gut on when you're ready for any insertion - if you're still not feeling it, or there's still resistance or discomfort, it's probably not the best time. Does that make sense?

[naira]

Hi, I get aroused when thinking about my partner doing things but I don't know why I don't feel the same when he's actually doing that. Is anything wrong with me ?

[KierC]

Hey Naira!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you at all. As Heather said, there’s a lot that happens in our brains that determines the arousal we experience. There’s lots of moving parts involved with arousal, and any number of things going on in your environment, your body, and your mind can all impact the arousal you experience. But that doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with you, it’s just the way our bodies naturally work!

Things can definitely feel different when they happen in person vs. when you think about them too. When we fantasize about being touched, everything is pretty ideal in our minds, as we don’t have all the physical variables there that might hinder arousal. So, when things happen in real life, arousal can be impacted by where you are physically doing the activity (are you in a private space? Is it comfortable? Do you feel safe there?), and by how you’re actually feeling (Are you nervous about the interaction? Are you feeling anxious in general? Are you coming into the interaction with any expectations about how it “should” feel, which can also impact arousal?).

But I do have a couple suggestions, some of which reiterate what other volunteers have said previously in this thread.

There can be a number of things going on, but from what you’ve described in this thread, it seems like the anxiety of not knowing what will make you aroused, and the anxiety around privacy might be contributing to not feeling aroused when he’s actually touching you. When you’re feeling anxious or otherwise worried about a sexual experience, it can be really hard to relax enough to feel truly aroused in the moment. Does that sound accurate to your experience?

My first suggestion echoes what Becky said about exploring things on your own. “Setting the scene” by ensuring you’re in a private space, dimming the lights, playing music you find “sexy,” and in general just coming into this sexual experience by making your immediate physical environment one where you feel comfortable and excited to explore, can go a long way to helping you feel more aroused.

You also mentioned that him speaking to you in certain ways makes you aroused. That makes me think that it might be helpful to incorporate some more foreplay before he starts touching you. Maybe he could talk to you in similar ways before touching you, waiting until you *do* feel aroused before starting any touching. If he says or does little things that make you feel aroused, then you can move forward with the touching! I see, too, that it has helped when he touches you over your clothes first. That can also be a part of foreplay, where you start with your clothes on and only move forward if you feel aroused and like you actually want to do more.

How do those suggestions sound to you?

[naira]

Hi, he does talk before actually doing it but i didn't feel when he was actually rubbing mu but when he just puts his hand over my full clothes i do feel a sudden flip or smthg down there

[Becky]

Hey Naira,

I feel like we're getting a bit lost with what you are hoping to accomplish here. Do you feel that way too?

I think it I would be able to offer you better advice if we recentered this conversation. Are you looking for advice on how to masturbate/orgasm or are you looking for reassurance that your arousal level is normal?

[naira]

hi, actually both maybe.