Struggling with gender identity

[Gravity]

For the longest time I’ve been wondering if I could possibly be non-binary, however, It feels like my brain is telling me to stop trying to be different

[Sofi]

Hi there! Could you tell me more about your train of thought when this comes up so I can understand better? What makes you wonder if you're non-binary, and why do you think you're rejecting the idea?

[Gravity]

Well, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always hated the fact that oftentimes in media (and I guess in real life) men are portrayed as monsters, or gross pervs. I know that this is not true, as some of my idols are men. I just don’t like the idea of being perceived as dangerous or creepy because of what I am. I’ve been struggling because for the majority of my education I went to catholic schools that utilized uniforms, therefore gender roles were set in stone. I feel stupid for my reasons, but I don’t know how else to explain it…

[Gravity]

Sorry, I have autism, I’m not good at explaining

[amber]

Hi Gravity ,

No need to apologize, I do think I understand where you are coming from.

Unfortunately I can relate to struggling with my gender identity due to strict gender roles as a young person. I also felt I would be a burden to those around me by identifying outside the binary, like I would be being 'difficult'.

As I could older, I made an effort to surround myself with queer people and eventually started to use 'they' pronouns for myself. It is ok to not have everything figured out immediately.

I wonder if you have any spaces or people in your life where you could 'test' out identifying as non-binary and see how you feel? For example maybe using different pronouns or dressing in a way that makes you feel more connected to your gender. How does that sound?

[Gravity]

Thanks, that’s kinda what I’ve been doing, I’ve started using he/they pronouns and dressing in a more alternative style. At my college there is a group of lgbtq+ students that have brought me under their wing (for lack of better terms) I have explained to them my struggle with gender identity.

I guess my biggest fears are that A) I’m not actually nonbinary and I’m lying to myself and B) I am nonbinary but I’m constantly misgendering myself.

It feels like a HUGE block because I don’t feel like I portray the stereotypical Enby, I know that doesn’t mean I’m not, but I still worry that because I still consider myself a ‘brother’ to my little sister and that I don’t have a preferred name differing from my birth name, I’m not really Nonbinary

[amber]

That is great! I was in a very similar situation on my college campus and it helped me a ton!

Still, I can relate completely to those struggles. I still feel insecurities around not dressing androgynous 'enough' or by not exclusively using they/them pronouns.

The truth that I have to constantly tell myself is that it doesnt matter. The label nonbinary is meant to fit people - not for us to conform to. So what if down the line you feel that label isnt actually a good fit, at this time in this moment you are interested in using it.

I know it may not be easy, but maybe try giving yourself some grace. You are doing a great job of exploring and learning about yourself. How does all that sound to you?

[Gravity]

Thanks. I feel a little bit better. Although I still worry that I’m going to be accused of invading queer spaces. It’s most likely my brain being a jerk for no reason, but still…

[amber]

I understand that too. Maybe you feel comfortable taking more of a listening and learning role in group settings in these spaces?

I personally believe queer spaces should be open to those exploring and should not 'belong' to some and not others - I also know lots of queer people who have a similar mindset.

I hope my personal similarities are comforting and am glad you found a place here to talk through your worries!

[Gravity]

Thank you, again. I had a talk with one of my friends about my worries and fears, we came to the conclusion that it’s most likely imposter syndrome. I don’t know if that helps in any way, but at least now I feel like there’s an easier solution to figuring out how to deal with my identity.

[maille]

Gravity,

I am glad you seem to have found such supportive friends to take you under their wings. I am also glad that the idea of imposter syndrome feeling true of you came out one of your conversations.

It sounds like you know this, but maybe not feel it quite yet: There is no one way to be anything. Especially with a social construct such as gender. Simply feeling a certain way, that is enough.

Let us know if there is anything else you would appreciate help working through!

[Gravity]

I’ve just been worried a lot that I might just be faking gender identity for attention. I don’t know if it’s just because of how I was raised or if I’m doing something wrong

[lilikoi]

Hi Gravity,

You are not doing something wrong by being uncertain about your identity! That is such a common experience and it's why the Q in LGBTQ can stand for "questioning". If you are questioning your gender and working out your identity, I would consider that a queer experience and gladly welcome you into the community!

It is so hard to have gender identity encapsulate one complete experience because it is used to describe so many people in the world. If you are one of those people swaying back and forth from your birth assigned gender to a different gender, it is okay to feel like neither fit all the time and sometimes one fits better than the other. I would encourage you to allow yourself to sway while you explore your self-expression.

Here's an article that could be helpful <3 Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to Be a Bummer