arousal

[Anya]

Hey Naira,

I think my fellow volunteers have made some pretty good suggestions for you regarding the 'how tos' of masturbation and orgasm, I would really recommend you look into the articles that we've provided. Going Solo: the Basics of Masturbation is a great starter for solo sex, and How to Get Comfortable miught help with partered activity! I'd give both of those a read and once uyou've finished if it stirs up more questions or something we are happy to talk with you.

Besides that, I'm wondering if you could help us understand what kind of help you'd like with these things? Are you seeking information and education on these things? Or just some reassurance that all of this is totally okay and normal (which it is)? How can we best help you?

[lilikoi]

Yay! That is very exciting! It sounds like experimentation is helping you find the things that get you aroused. That is very exciting!

To address the itchiness, using clean hands is always important to avoid irritating your skin. Sometimes material can cause friction which can lead to itchiness or burning so the rubbing through your panties could have been the reason.

Let us know if we can help you with any other questions about arousal for now!

[naira]

hi, i don't know if i felt the feeling or not i mean i did not get that aroused feeling while i was making out

[lilikoi]

Hi naira,

Sorry for the misunderstanding. Let me make sure I am understanding you. Based on your early posts, it sounds like the activities that work to give you flips (I love this description of arousal by the way!) include listening to your partner talk, thinking about him touching you, and when he touches your butt and thighs. That same feeling doesn't happen when you two are making out and it also doesn't happen when either of you touches your vulva (inside the vagina or outside on the labia and clitoris). Is that right?

If that's the case, I get why it would be confusing to feel flips sometimes and none at other times. You mentioned struggling to do clitoral stimulation. If you have access to a hand held mirror, it is helpful to use that to identify where the clitoris is on your body. This article has diagrams you could use to get familiar with your body. Maybe feeling around without looking is making it hard to find the right spots for arousal.

I am also wondering, and you do not have to answer this, have you had negative history with touch in the past? The brain controls our arousal but there are so many nerve endings in vulvas. If you are not feeling the same level of arousal on your vulva as on other parts of your body, I wonder if there is something blocking your brain from noticing the touch. Sometimes it can be the place where we are, it could be the person that we are with, or something from the past that blocks the feeling.

[naira]

hi, i don't have any negative history with the touch, but i did feel quite a few times when he touched on my cloth

[mikky]

Hi naira,
I'm not totally sure what you mean by this- can you say more?

[naira]

hi, I mean when he usually used to touch me I could feel those flips and butterflies but when we were making out I didn't feel anything but I was breathless and I wanted it more so is that normal??

[Latha]

Hey Naira,

So, you didn't feel anything while you two were making out, but you did feel breathless, and like you wanted to continue... That sounds normal to me, in the sense that it does seem like one of the many ways we can feel while being sexual, and it doesn't seem like it hurts.

I wonder, when you say you didn't feel anything, where is this lack of feeling located in your body? What are you expecting to feel, there?

[naira]

hi, i was expecting those same flips and butterflies but more while we were making out. But now when i think of our moments i feel that a little

[lilikoi]

Hey there naira! Have you two been doing the same things for a while? Do you think changing something (like new positions or or talking about what you want before you do it) could make it more exciting for you?

[naira]

hi, no he used to touch which would make me feel good and about rubbing down there idk i don't feel anything even when i try, and yeah we do talk a lot of stuff before dng and that excites me and arouses me a lot

[Latha]

Hi Naira,

What I'm hearing is that you feel excited and aroused when you and your partner are together, but you don't feel much physically from direct touch--both on your own, and with your partner. Is that right?

If we're looking to understand why that is happening, and how you might explore more pleasurable sensations, it might help to consider these questions:

• When you touch yourself while aroused, what do you feel? Are there any kinds of stimulation that do feel pleasurable or interesting?

• Have you noticed differences in how clitoral and vaginal stimulation feel? Have you explored other erogenous zones on your body?

• Outside of sex, can you think of physical sensations and activities that make you feel good?

[naira]

hi, i tried touching myself but i did not feel anything atleast not how I feel when my man touches me

[Anya]

Hi naira,

Is masturbation something you are interested in learning more about? It seems like you might be experiecing some waves in arousal both by yourself and with your partner, is that right? Sometimes you feel something and sometimes you don't?

There are some articles i'd recommend you give a look before coming back, and once you do let me know what you're thinking about.
Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation
Sexual Response and Rogasm: A User's Guide
The Great Arousal Mismatch: When Bodies and Brains Don't Line up

[naira]

hi, i mean when i was fingered i don't know what i felt but i wanted it more( the fingers hurt or hit at some points but not lasting one i wanted it more of that hurt i mean that wasn't somethg like hurt hurt ) , this time i wasn't that conscious about other things but idk if wanting more is pleasure or is it just the beginning. this time i don't feel any poking thing and after all that when i entered my fingers i found lot of slippery fluid was it arousal??I mean his fingers were also wet but i didn't touch it.

[Becky]

Hey naira!

Throughout all of this it sounds like to me you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to feel pleasure and feel it quickly. Does that sound true to you?

Sometimes, whether we're by ourselves or with a partner, it can take a while for our bodies to "warm up." This is sometimes referred to as responsive sexual desire. Meaning you don't necessarily feel sexual arousal until you are in the moment.

It sounds like to me you need to give yourself permission to take your time. For people with vaginas it can sometimes take up to 30mins (or more!) of sexual activity (foreplay, external stimulation, internal stimulation, etc) to reach orgasm.

Is this helpful information?

[naira]

hi, no i don't want to pressurize my self for pleasure or orgasm I just want to understand what is happening and what is what

[Heather]

Hey again, naira.

We haven't talked since the start, but I've kept up with this thread throughout, and I think that some of what is happening here is that you might not be understanding that it's perfectly normal for how we feel sexually, including how we experience desire, pleasure and arousal, to change from day to day: it is actually super unusual for it to be the same all the time. Because our bodies aren't the same every day, and our lives aren't the same every day, our experiences of sexuality also aren't the same.

Know how one day you can feel ravenously hungry, or crave a certain food, while the next day you have a light appetite and are in no mood for that food you wanted so much the day before? Know how during one phase of life you can think a certain food is gross, and in another, turn out to love it? Know how some foods feel good in your body one day, but not so good the next? Our experience of sexuality is often variable just like that.

Sometimes we will know why things are different from one day or experience to the next -- we're tired, something was more exciting when it was new, we're not feeling good about our body or relationship, we're stressed -- while other days we just won't know.

Do you get what I'm saying?

[naira]

hi , i want to know if what i felt was pleasure or not ? i am confused

[Sofi]

I’m not sure what you’re referring to, you’re asking if which specific feeling was pleasure?

And did you read Heather’s response thoroughly? They said some very important stuff that I think be helpful for you <3

[naira]

hi, yes i was about which specific feeling was pleasure. And yes I read her response and i understood it

[Sofi]

I'm not sure what part of this thread you're referring to, and regardless, it's hard for any of us to tell you if what you felt was pleasure - but I can send you some info about pleasure. I want to remind you pleasure isn't a purely physical sensation, but it starts in your brain. I'm taking some snippets from the articles With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body and I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment, but I highly suggest taking some time to read both fully.

"The largest, most important and most active sexual organ of the body isn’t a penis or vagina⁠. It’s the brain and its structures." "It’s the pleasure center of your brain that sends signals back to you that what’s happening feels good (or doesn’t), and it’s your brain and nervous system that transmits the feelings and sensations we have with orgasm⁠. Not only is sex about communication⁠ between people, it’s about the systems of your brain and the rest of your body communicating, too. The beauty of bodies and brains is that they don’t all communicate the same way. It may take time to figure out how your personal communication works, but it’s definitely worth the effort."

"Once you understand how the brain – what it is, what it does, all the systems it controls and responds to – is our largest and most important sexual organ, it’s a lot easier to see why we, as a people, can be so sexually diverse and experience any kind of sex so differently. After all, if sex was only or mostly about our genitals, even with genital diversity, it would be sound to expect that those of us with the same basic parts would have the same experiences with a given kind of touch. But we don’t, not by a serious long shot, and that’s primarily because of our brains. Once you understand how the brain is our largest and most important sex organ you can also begin to see how thinking differently isn’t necessarily a negative when it comes to sexual pleasure."

"Studies show that all types of pleasure seem to run through the same channels in your brain, so you can hit the same pathways with eating ice cream as you can with getting a back rub as you can with getting a hand job. It’s theorized that the brain has “hotspots” that create a ton of pleasure when they fire. [...] It tells us that sex is far from the only way to experience pleasure, and that if your sex life is lacking (or if you’re not interested in sex, period⁠) there are still tons of ways to feel good."

Let me know if you have any questions about either article, there's some super helpful stuff in there. <3

[naira]

Hi, I don't think i can masturbate, i really don't feel anything when I insert my fingers, and about the clit stimulation idk that doesn't happen only. But when my man does that I feel good i mean idk if its arousal or discharge but his finger goes in good only, in our recent make our session he entered his fingers and i felt damn good different from the previous times it was like they were hitting something inside but i wanted it more of it, is that called pleasure??and in between the session also when he put his hand in my pants there was no arousal later he put his fingers inside it went in i think i don't get aroused easily i don't understand when I try don't feel anything but with him idk if its really arousal but i feel somethg in my stomach like squeezing my pelvis.
But later when he removed his fingers there was blood on it, I checked in the washroom it was like spotting and nothing much and no pain, slightly felt uneasy maybe, is it something to worry?

[Heather]

There might be a few reasons things feel different with your partner:
• You may be someone who has a much easier time getting turned on with a partner than on your own.
• A partner may be able to do things you like that you can't really do on your own or that don't feel the same on your own because with your arms attached to your body or other things, you just might not be able to do those things the way they do.
• You may believe that sex is only sexy with a partner, and that belief may be getting in the way of you enjoying yourself.
• You may yet have found the things you *can* do alone that you enjoy.

Bleeding after this kind of sex, however, usually indicates one or two things: that you and a partner did not use lubricant, or enough lubricant, that your partner was too rough, or both. If you are not using a lubricant for things liek fingers inside your vagina, you'll want to do that and ask your partner to always use some, and if a partner is being so rough you have bleeding, you'll want to ask them to be more gentle. You might also make sure their nails are taken care of: scraggly nails or hangnails can easily injure delicate genital tissue.

[naira]

hi,
we didn't have sex it was just him fingering me and stimulating my clit and touching me, yeah i think his nails were a bit grown very little tho