Lesbian struggling with fantasizing about men

[lemonlime]

Hi! I’m gay, and I’ve know for around five years, and publicly identified as such for around 2 years. I dated a girl for a few months around 2 months ago and I’m not sexually into dudes at all. While I ideally would like to marry a woman, sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to put up with a man. I’m a Christian and I want to eventually marry a Christian. I do not drink/smoke/do drugs and I’m a pretty boring person. I’m worried about how I can find a woman that would want that too. I “dated” (it was middle school during Covid) a boy for a few months, and I used to find myself wishing we had not broken up. I’d mostly worked through it, but I’m becoming pretty good friends with a boy I work with and I’m wondering if I should just try to date him. He is really nice, funny, and we share similar values and wants. It would also have parental and church acceptance in a way I doubt I could ever have with a girl. If I had to marry someone right now out of anyone, boy or girl, I would probably choose him. Also, sex isn’t really that big of a time consumer in most heterosexual relationships to my understanding, so I feel like I could put up with it to make him happy. Am I crazy?

[Latha]

Hi there, LemonLime--welcome to the boards!

I think you are making a pretty reasonable evaluation of your circumstances. There are a lot of factors to consider when you are choosing who to marry, and no one right relationship type for everyone. If you've found a boy you trust--one who would be a good partner for you in life--you could date or marry him even though you are a lesbian.

However, I think it is possible to find a woman who wants the same things you do. A Christian who shares your values, your care for marriage, and your goals for life. If you haven't met any around you so far, it might help to look in spaces meant specifically for LGBTQ+ Christians, like the ones listed on these pages: LGBT Christian Meetups, Q Christian Community Groups, QueerGrace Online Communities.

I recognize that it would be more difficult to receive acceptance from your parents and church if you married a woman, and I am sorry for that. People do not always attend same kind of church they did growing up, and there are congregations that welcome queer couples. Would the idea of marrying a woman feel better if you could find and join such a community? How has your family reacted to you coming out, so far?

sex isn’t really that big of a time consumer in most heterosexual relationships to my understanding, so I feel like I could put up with it to make him happy.

Hmm... I'm not so sure about this generalization. There are plenty of heterosexual couples who have sex often, and there are many non-heterosexual couples who don't have sex at all. It really depends on the wants and needs of the individuals in the relationship, you know? Besides, many people want to enjoy sex with their partners, not just have it be something their partner puts up with to maintain their relationship or keep them happy.

You shouldn't have to put up with sex that you don't want to have. Even if it wasn't a time-consumer, that could still still take a toll on your mental health. You also should be able to be honest with a life partner, and they should want you to be honest with them. That might mean telling a boyfriend/husband that you are not interested in sex with them, or that you are a lesbian.

If you could find a woman who shares your values, would you still have concerns about sex in the relationship?

[lemonlime]

My parents were unhappy, and I had to quit my position in the church, but they said that they still love me. I can tell it bothers them and they, especially my dad, have made it clear that they believe acting on it is a sin. People at church do not know I am gay. I agree with my parents that it is best to avoid issues there as long as I can.

I plan to start attending a United Methodist Church once I start university. (I currently am a member of a Global Methodist Church) My parents want me too because they have adjusted somewhat to me being gay and still fully expect me to get married and have kids after I finds college, which I want too. They think I will have better chances at finding a Christian woman in an accepting church. There is still a fairly high likelihood I wouldn’t be able to be married in my church or by my pastor, though. Plus my dad has made it clear he won’t marry me/he can’t because he is clergy in the Global Methodist Church.

If I could find a community of people who are both Christian and queer I would feel a lot more comfortable. Making the person I’m with feel good is one of my favorite parts about sex, so I think I would enjoy making someone I love feel pleasure. I think I do have some fear around sex in general. I’ve never been able to orgasm, although I do masturbate fairly regularly. I think part of it is because I have trouble keeping going once I get close. Trying to figure out if there was something I was doing wrong is part of what led me to find Scarleteen.

My ex gf really liked phone/texting sex so I would lie and say that I was orgasming because I liked it too and I liked knowing that I was turning her on. I’m worried that if I date a woman she will be disappointed in me sexually. Most things just say do what feels good for you, but if I can’t even pleasure nyself I don’t know how I could please someone else. With a man I feel like being somewhat naive would be less looked down on.

[maille]

I am sorry to hear that your family has not been the most supportive and that you expect the larger church to follow suit. I am all for being the most authentic versions of ourselves, but not when our emotional and physical safety might be at stake, so you could very well be right that avoiding issues at church is the way to go. It doesn't make their non-acceptance suck any less, though,

I think attending a more accepting church would uphold your values and give you a safe space. Great plan! What do you think would help in the meantime, before you head off to college and are able to join the United Methodist Church?

Making your partner feel good is one of the best parts of sex! There are totally groups of queer folks who are narrow minded and have this idea of not wanting to be with 'baby gays' or less experienced people, but there are people, especially here at Scarleteen, that do not share that mindset. Everyone starts somewhere.

I'm sure if you've done any reading here on Scarleteen, and it sounds like you have, that you know orgasm doesn't have to be the end goal of solo or partnered sex. Do you still enjoy masturbating knowing this?