feeling upset about unwanted fetish(?)

[anonymouses730]

I do not feel horny or aroused very often at all but when I do its because of this strange attraction I have. After climaxing the fantasy stops being attractive to me and I just feel embarrassed and ashamed. I think about this private shameful thing I do in relation to the rest of my life and I just cringe so hard. For context the fetish is about overeating. It typically involves fantasizing about something like a vague female figure eating sweets until she feels ridiculously full and then eating even more. I think it relates to seeking out internet fetish content at a really young age before I understood what was really happening. It was just a fascination to me then. I used to indulge it in pretty often but now I rarely do.

I suspect that might have something to do with the SSRIs I am taking. I have never been thin and have struggled with body image issues and eating habits in the past. I think I have a much better mindset around food and my body now but whenever *this* happens it is like im forced to confront this super complicated and uncomfortable(?) subject all over again. It doesn't help that I will sometimes eat a ton before indulging in the fantasy. I feel like an open wound.

My hope is that I will be able to completely rid myself of this embarrassing affliction. Nobody knows about it and I do not want them to, ever. I wish it was something else or just nothing at all. It doesn't usually interfere with my life a lot and I am able to mostly forget about it and think of it in the past tense but then it will randomly resurface for a little bit and bring back all these unwanted thoughts and feelings. I also wonder if this has severely impaired my ability to be attracted to ‘normal’ things. I guess it doesn’t really matter but yeah, any advice or feedback is appreciated. feeling bad

[Latha]

Hi there, Anonymouses730--welcome to the boards!

I'm sorry to hear that this interest has caused so much stress for you, but I am glad you felt comfortable reaching out to talk to us about it. I wouldn't say that this subject doesn't really matter--it does, because it clearly matters to you. I have some thoughts about what you've shared, and I hope they'll give you some comfort.

We see a lot of users come in with worries just like yours. They feel like their sexual interests are abnormal, somehow--too embarrassing to acknowledge, especially to other people. If you take a look around the boards, it is quite likely that you'll find others that share your exact experience with eating and feeling full. I'll tell you what we all tell them in different ways every time: you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I know weight and wight gain are often sensitive and stigmatized topics, and I understand why you might feel bad. But, there is really nothing wrong with eating or with eating until or past feeling full. There is nothing wrong with having a sexual interest that involves that. No one here would think any less of you for this, because we know it is just one of they many, diverse, and perfectly acceptable experiences someone can have with their sexuality.

You might be interested to know that it is not actually that uncommon for people to discover sexual interests when they are young, or to be able to link current interests back to memories of certain experiences. And sexual interests coincide with fears and stigmatized subjects often.

So, I want to emphasize that there is nothing wrong with your sexuality or your interests as they are. If you do want to explore attraction to other subjects, we usually find that it helps most to approach that with a sense of open curiosity and experimentation, rather than a sense that there is something about you that needs to be fixed. Because there isn't.

[anonymouses730]

I agree that there is nothing wrong with it but only because I do not believe in right or wrong. It just is what it is, but I don’t know that I like what it is. You are right, it is a VERY sensitive subject and I feel like I can never escape it. Food, diets, weight gain, weight loss, body image, the relationship between fat and health. The level of stigma is just insane and I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t trigger me sometimes. There is so much that goes into it. I feel like this attraction is like a monster inside me that shows up every once in a while and once I give it what it wants and it leaves I am left questioning so much and feeling so bad about myself. Maybe my issue is overthinking it so much. Words are just words and nothing really means anything. Still, I am not satisfied. Nothing feels resolved in any way.

[amber]

Hi anonymouses730,

I am sorry that you have been struggling in this way. I want to point out that our sexual interests are connected to the rest of our thoughts, wants, and anxieties. It may be that your relationship to food is the focus here - rather than your engagement with sexual content or thoughts.

Like Latha stated getting over any guilt or negative associations around our sexual interests is ideal for us all, but it also makes sense to want to work through feelings causing the stress you described. You are right that there is nothing inherently negative about feeling the sexual desire you do but it might be that for you it isn't positive.

You said you have been feeling better about your relationship with food, what were some things that were helpful? Have you ever talked to anyone about your mindset around food and body?

[anonymouses730]

Whats made it better for me is understanding that words are just words and it is okay that nobody else will see things the way I do. Everything is so endlessly complex and I feel that it is impossible for me to adequately express myself through language. When someone says something that triggers a reaction in me I don’t have to try and form an arrangement of words in response. It is all clear to me and I don’t need anybody else to understand. It just doesn’t matter what anybody says. Let go of the words, disengage. That is not to say I don’t get bothered sometimes anyway because I really do. There is no resolution, nothing I can tell myself that will make me unreachable. Unreachable as in the noise can never get to me. I think my problem is thinking into it way too much. I am constantly overthinking and it really sucks. That is in part why I feel so uncomfortable about this ‘interest’. It is like I will be totally entranced and then the post-nut clarity kicks in and I am all but forced to confront this past obsession that brings about so many unpleasant feelings.

[Latha]

Hello Anonymouses730

You're right that language is an imperfect tool, and that communicating with other people and expressing yourself can be difficult and complicated. The thing is, people who care for you and respect you will take the time to listen anyway. They'll try their best to understand you and support you in the ways you need, even when they don't quite get it.

If we haven't understood how you are feeling, we would like to hear about it--please feel free to tell us if so! It is also okay if we disagree--we might suggest certain ways of looking at an issue, but we won't think any less of you if you think differently. Ultimately, our goal in interactions like these is to work with you to help you feel more comfortable about your relationship with yourself and your sexuality.

You don't have to like this interest or make a point of engaging with it intentionally if it causes you distress. If you want, we could focus our discussion on figuring out how you might explore other fantasies, or on your relationship with food in general, as Amber suggested. But it is possible to dislike something and know it isn't for you without feeling awful about yourself. If you know that there is no objective right and wrong with these things, I wonder what is making you feel so bad?

You've mentioned that the stigma around weight feels inescapable. Have you heard messages from people in your life/in your environment that make you feel worse about your relationship with food?

[anonymouses730]

‘Language is an imperfect tool’ is a MASSIVE understatement to me. I don’t agree with anything I’ve ever thought, written, typed or said. Not to veer too far off course but this trouble with language, communication and my relationships to other people is a gigantic part of my life. I won’t even attempt to elaborate. One thing I will say just for context and clarity is that I am a nihilist. I don’t believe in good or bad or right or wrong. I don’t believe in meaning. ‘There is no truth, there is only you and what you make the truth. ‘ That pretty much sums it up for me.

Ok, so for starters, people love making fat jokes. Jokes are jokes and morality is subjective. Still these jokes often fall in the category of just lampooning fat people. This is especially prevalent in internet culture. One such example is the insufferable ‘big back’/‘big and greedy’ trend that my mom and sister love so much. You can’t open the comment section of art depicting a fat body without seeing nasty comments. You cant open the comment section of a video of an actual fat person without seeing nasty comments. You can’t spend time with family without hearing it reinforced over and over and over. Fat isn’t just a neutral descriptor. Fat = ugly, greedy, lazy, gluttonous, barbaric, lacking discipline, dirty, gross, inferior, incapable, deserving of ridicule. Fat people should always be trying to lose weight. Fat is embarrassing and unruly. That might seem dramatic but it could have something to do with the sexual thing. Now, none of those words really mean anything to me but I can’t not think about it at all. I am alive. I have to be doing something while I am conscious. I also have to eat. I am 5’3’ and around 145 lbs last time I checked, so fat-ish. That number is not static. Weight fluctuates and what you do on a day to basis has a direct impact. I don’t know.

I think instead of heavily stigmatizing fat bodies we should be encouraging practicing healthy habits because they are known to make people feel better. I don’t really know anything though, I’ve never known anything in my life. Depression or whatever has me in this horrible slump right now so I haven’t really been eating well or getting regular exercise lately. I think that makes me feel more vulnerable. I am on a waiting list to see a shrink so maybe when that happens I won’t be totally alone trying to get out of this miserable place im in. As for the ‘interest’ I have I guess it isn’t an issue that I need somebody’s feedback to address. It just felt pressing in the moment but the true subtext is that I am miserable and crazy. I thank you for the support. Sometimes being super isolated is a lot and you just want someone to hear you, you know, and you provided that service free with no strings attached so thank you.

[Anya]

Hi anonymouses730,

I think these questions and frustrations around the limitations of language are important ones. It can sometimes be hard to see outside of the present moment and realize that how we think and talk about things is not universal or inclusive a lot of the time, because there is so much more than what we can verbalize. Especially when we talk about desires, sexuality, and culturally taboo topics, verbal language often hits the same wall again and again.

I think you're also right in noticing how social norms around weight and body size are impacting your fantasies. I mean, at the heart of almost everyone's fantasies are deeply rooted beliefs within a culture. In many global cultures, but importantly, not all, there is a heavy stigma towards fat people. That's true. This makes it totally understandable to me that you would, above everything else, feel this kind of repulsion after engaging your mind in the fantasy you mentioned. Because on a grand scale, there is this very real belief that fat means unhealthy, and even though you said the words you named meant nothing to you, I would challenge that a bit. I think that in different ways, they all mean something to everyone, seeing as this concept we're talking about is sooo widespread.

It seems like you are aware, or at least able to be mindful, that this rhetoric about fatness generally is just all lies rooted in a deeply misogynistic, racist, heteronormative, capitalistic agenda, so I'm not going to go in depth on this myself. But I do want to just link you to an advice column we have on the topic, as they helped me think differently when I was dealing with similar kinds of difficulty rejecting social norms around weight and size.
How can I trust someone else will like my body when I hate it so much

Now for the fantasy piece. I want to first mention that if you're feeling at all alone in this, I would recommend taking a closer look through the boards because trust me, having and then feeling shame about a fantasy like this is not uncommon. There are quite a few other users here on the boards, even in just the last few weeks, who have all come in worried that they are weird, that there's something wrong with them, or that they will never get over a compulsion towards something that doesn't make them feel great. The good news is, though, they (and you) ARE normal and not weird, there is NOTHING wrong with you, and whether or not you want to pursue engaging with this fantasy, it is a choice I am confident you can make. I think that seeing a therapist is a great idea, so I'm glad to hear about the waitlist (as annoying as waiting can be). It can be so frustrating when your brain and body don't totally align on desires or arousal, but you are not alone in that place, and there will be a way out.

In the meantime, I'm curious if you're open to helping yourself out in other ways. You mentioned that due to some depression, you haven't been exercising as much and eating in ways that don't feel so good. Are you open to shaking up your routine at all and seeing if it changes how you're feeling? This could mean going for a walk a day, incorporating more nutritious foods and lots of water into your diet (even one ingredient at a time, don't feel like you need to go all in right away), or trying to avoid internet content on dieting, fat-shaming, universal health solutions, etc.?

How do those things feel, and are there any other things that you can think of that might sound supportive?

[anonymouses730]

It’s not that I’m not trying to get out of this place I am in at all, it is just really complicated. I have a really erratic sleep schedule and I often will come home from school and just sleep all day. I really hate being awake. I love going on walks but I haven’t really been doing that for the past couple of months just because everything has really gone to shit. As for the eating piece I don’t really think about eating three balanced meals a day. I am a vegan and nobody else in my house is and I don’t do the grocery shopping so sometimes my options are kind of limited. I will pretty much just eat whatever is on hand and tastes good enough. I think I sometimes eat when I am not particularly hungry just for the sensory experience of eating. I feel like that is just a symptom of a much larger issue with how my life has become. I want to make it better but I have to go the school everyday which I can’t even begin to describe how awful of a barrier that is. I wish I could just have some time to get my life together. I know I cannot enlist the ‘help’ of anyone else at the moment and I don’t want to but I am majorly drowning right now. I wish I had time to reverse this decay. I just need someone to give me a break but I know that won’t happen and I’ll just have to try and adapt and manage my time differently but that feels completely insurmountable to me right now. I hate food and I hate eating. I really, truly do.

[Andy]

Hi there, anonymouses,

I’m really sorry to hear you are feeling like this and especially that you can’t see a way out at the moment, it sounds really rough, so please don’t put the blame on yourself for it<3

You have mentioned having negative feelings about food and eating a few times, so I wanted to ask if you have been evaluated for an eating disorder and if not, if that is something you would be able to talk to your general practitioner about, if you have one? They would be able to give you a referral to a specialist and you might get the help you need sooner this way. A big part of eating disorders management is usually about body image and the messages we get about bodies from outside, which sound like something that might be helpful for you. How does that sound? Would you like some assistance with accessing the care?

If you would like to read more on the how eating disorders can interact with sexuality and how to take care of yourself in that aspect, we have two amazing articles on that here: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... want-again

[anonymouses730]

reviving this thread because the problem feels relevant to me again and im curious what someones input might be. i think i like being chubby and eating a bunch sometimes but because of all the jokes and harsh aggressive stigma from my relatives i feel too ashamed to really admit this to myself. im a little embarassed of how much of a glutton i can be but this is also probably plays into whatever weird subconsious idiosynchrosy makes me like this.

whenever im around people i feel like i have to dress, move, and even breathe in a way that hides my fat or else ill feel super vulnerable and exposed and uncomfortable. i wish people wouldnt talk to me about weight or eating habits or weird stuff like that. especially because most of the people i talk to are my immediate family and when they start making those kinds of jokes and conments and stuff it makes me feel really violated and unsettled because of this super personal weird perversion that i have. im having a hard time convincing myself that this isnt gross and depraved of me.

i feel like i should be ashamed of myself but at the same time these peculiar tendencies feel like theyre deeply engrained in who i am and im not sure that i even completely want to shake them because im still sort of able to derive pleasure from it and part of me seems to love my pudginess and appetite so much. usually i just like to eat and do what i do and i dont think too much about it other than enjoying the fullness sometimes. but when i feel compelled to humor this ‘kink’ or whatever i end up feeling like a gross monster right after.

this all feels really personal and perverted to me but i just wanted to get it off my chest and seek input because im feeling kind of down about this right now and its hard to make myself feel better when everything is like a mirror to me.

[Latha]

Welcome back, Anonymouses730! I'm so sorry to hear that you feel down right now, but I am glad this is a space that you feel comfortable returning to when that happens.

Here is my input: I think you've identified the nature of the issue here well. Though I understand they feel awful at the end, these fantasies and interests are not too perverted to acknowledge or anything you should feel ashamed of. It is okay that they give you pleasure, because it is okay to like to eat and to enjoy the sensation of being full. The problem is not you or your fantasies, it is your environment. When you are surrounded by messages that tell you that there is something wrong with your body and with your relationship with food, it is very difficult to not feel like that is true. I bet that if you were in a different environment, with people who shared your values around health and fat justice, who didn't make cruel comments and jokes, and who would listen to you and respect your boundaries, you would feel a lot better about all this.

I'm not surprised these comments have left you feeling violated and unsettled. It is terrible for the people around you to act this way, and from your immediate family, this is a special betrayal--they've made it so you can't even feel at ease with them.

How does this sound to you? If you would like, we can chat about what you could do to counteract all of this fatphobic messaging that you've heard.

[anonymouses730]

yeah i definitely agree that i wouldnt be upset if i didnt have to deal with the way these people act about that sort of thing but nobody cares when i express discomfort at it and to them i know that i am the degenerate and i need to hide this proclivity to avoid total humiliation. i know they have no idea about how it makes me feel but i cant imagine continuing to say things that clearly make someone uncomfortable for like, no reason. its kind of frustrating sometimes but i guess im just overthinking it.

i used to try to repress these thoughts completely and i was really insecure about my body and had a bad restrictive relationship with food. i was really nuts about it and would always spiral and vent to people about how ‘fat and ugly’ i was. keep in mind i was like 13 and would mostly just talk to my sister. of course shed tell me i wasnt fat which seemed to be what i wanted to hear but that never made me feel better. thats probably part of the reason why they still try to compliment me by saying i look small which just makes me uncomfortable now. to me its like i know i have been guilty before of making jokes myself and perpetuating the stigma but thats only because i was figuring out how to cope with it.

anyway, you just cant expect people to be that considerate or even remember or care about any of that stuff. they dont think twice about it, its nothing to them. it kind of makes me feel like i should be ashamed that its something to me. this makes me want to be more distant from them to be honest. they make me uncomfortable too often for me to feel like being around them that much. i hate feeling like there is something wrong with me.

i guess theres nothing really wrong here. i know im weird but im all about embracing weirdness and stuff. i just feel this need to be alone because the things my mom and sister say really upset me sometimes and i know i cant argue with them because every time i do they start spouting a bunch of stupid bullshit at warp speed. like theres no way i can think of the arrangement of words to defend myself that quickly, its just not possible. i can hardly believe i am expected to attempt to explain how dumb what theyre saying is to me and i know i just shouldnt hold it against them, its all just a bunch of jumbled up word vomit.

its just so abundantly clear to me but at the same time i know they mean well so i just have to tolerate it because its not that serious. my sister tells me that i act like i think im better than everybody. i dont think that at all. we are just very different creatures i guess. sometimes i feel like i hate being social but that might just be because im surrounded by people who are testing me all the time.

[Latha]

Hello Anonymouses730,

Through your posts, I hear a tension between how you feel and what you think you should feel. An example might be your frustration with your family for how they've been acting, and your sense that you can't blame them. Their words upset you and make you feel so alone and ashamed, but because they have know idea how you feel and they mean well, you say you have to tolerate it.

Is that really true? Something that stands out to me is that you have tried to talk to them about the things that make you feel upset. Their responses just leave you feeling like they don't care, or like they can't be expected to remember what bothers you.

i know i cant argue with them because every time i do they start spouting a bunch of stupid bullshit at warp speed.

you just cant expect people to be that considerate or even remember or care about any of that stuff. they dont think twice about it, its nothing to them.

If this is them meaning well, it isn't enough. You have told them that you are hurt--they just don't seem to be listening. Rather, it sounds like they turn around and get mad at you, and then you start to doubt yourself and the validity of your own feelings. No wonder! I imagine it is impossible to interact with them if you don't accept the things they say without question.

There is nothing wrong with you. You don't have to feel ashamed for being bad about the things you hear from you sister and mother, because most anyone would in your situation. It is hurtful that they don't seem to be listening to what you are saying, and that they keep making comments and jokes that have leave you feeling awful.

you just cant expect people to be that considerate or even remember or care about any of that stuff. they dont think twice about it, its nothing to them.

Is it true that you can't expect anyone to care about how you feel, or is it just some people?

There are folks (like you, I believe) who wouldn't make these comments about weight and eating in the first place, because it would simply go against their values for how to treat other people. But setting that aside, wanting to be treated like your feelings matter is a reasonable and normal expectation in any relationship.

Does this make sense to you?

[anonymouses730]

well it should be like that in theory but like you said I feel like its not a big deal and it shouldn’t matter to me. hypothetically i can try to be more assertive but it would just be awkward and embarrassing especially because the main reason that stuff bothers me is because of this personal defect i have. i know i seemed to have accepted it in the other post but thats probably just because the idea seemed attractive to me at the time. when im not in that weird sexual mindset it feels more like a disturbing and embarrassing thing that ive had wrong with me. and yeah that could have something to do with the type of messaging im surrounded by. yea i disagree with it but nobody really cares what i think and why should they? i hardly even care what i think. interacting with people is exhausting and trying to come up with the arrangement of words to express my supposed feelings is just plain stupid, i know better. i know by now that trying too hard to explain usually just makes everything worse. next time they say something that makes me uncomfortable i could try being more serious about it but really it doesnt matter. people are scary and make no sense. you set yourself up when youre counting on others. moral of the story is nobody cares and thats probably for the best. my mom and sister can be super annoying sometimes, yes. but my mom is super chill and lets me do my own thing and my sister is my friend. my complaints are trivial when you step back and look at the bigger picture. im not being cynical, just honest. its hard not to be all ‘I HATE EVERYONE!!!’ but being alone makes me feel better. also i guess youre right that they are different from other people and just because i cant expect them to be much better doesnt mean the same principle applies to everyone else. but thats hardly relevant to me right now. i cant see myself having friends. im too weird and neurotic for that. too much effort and for what? if it happened naturally and didn't require so much effort than maybe that could be nice, but it doesn’t happen like that in real life so why bother.

[amber]

Hi anonymouses730, I hope it is alright for me to jump in here.

I am hearing you about that lack of motivation to stand up for yourself against the hurtful comments made by your mom and sister. I wonder if waiting for the comments, and planning a reaction, is causing some of those challenges.

How would that conversation change/feel for you if you initiated it? What I mean by that is planning a time to sit down with your mom and sister and let them know that you want to set a boundary about comments about your body. You could say something as simple as...it hurts my feelings to hear comments about my weight or body, would you mind not talking about that while I'm there?

Do you think this sort of initiated conversation would work better for you. How about your mom and or sister, do you think they'd be receptive to your honesty?