feeling ashamed, lost in a cycle

[wnderingsol]

(sorry if this is the wrong channel) Hello everyone, i'm new to scarleteen and just really wanted to seek guidance about an issue i've been having that has been causing me dysphoria, stress, shame and anxiety for a long while.

For only around a year now i've had an issue with masturbation and i really want to stop. i'm a trans girl - and i discovered that sort of material a lot later than most people my age. I was uncomfortable trying it, and only for a short while it relieved me of some stress, but only momentarily. and for the better part of 2025 I've wanted to break the cycle and stop entirely, and have tried so many times but just couldn't. It has caused me a lot of mental breakdowns because i just don't want that to be who i am, but my current hormones and the current state of my body has been fighting my mind, and i really can't take it anymore. I also find that regular material in that genre doesn't arouse me and it's only the "uniquer" things like fantasy-transformations (specifically gender related) that get me somewhat aroused (even though i would much rather not be at all, but it feels so out of my control). I'm not on hrt yet, but i hope to be sometime in early 2026.

if anyone has any advice to help me or have similar experiences i really appreciate anything because this year has been really difficult for me.

[char]

Hi wnderingsol, welcome to the boards. You're not on the wrong channel! I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a rough time this year

I think it might be helpful for you to know that you are not alone. A lot of users have come to us sharing this particular concern. Even though there isn't a standard on how much someone should masturbate in a week or how they should go about it, it's not rare for people to feel like their sexual fantasies come out of the blue and don't represent who they are and what they like. A lot of us are also raised in communities where sexual desire is frowned upon, which influences the feelings of shame and guilt we may feel towards certain sexual fantasies.

Before continuing this conversation further, I'd like to ask you some questions. What are the methods you have tried to stop masturbating to this particular fantasy? How did they go, and why do you think they didn't work? Also, could you elaborate more on how this fantasy makes you feel, especially related to your wellbeing?

[wnderingsol]

@Char

Thank you,

As for methods, I’ve tried in the past to really try hard to change my mindset and to remember each day that I don’t want to (although that sadly doesn’t do much), and I’ve done deep cleans of bathrooms to try and discourage myself in the event that I get a strong unwanted urge. I guess the only reason why I feel connected to that specific type of media is because I’m trans, and the overal theme of someone finally becoming their true self inspires me and it is something I long for. But like I said, I really have never truly enjoyed this habit, it always feels disgusting and It is only a temporary relief from stress. That’s why I’ve really not wanted to make it integrated into my brain, my current hormones have more control over me in those urges than my actual brain - which in turn causes me major dysphoria.


Sorry for rambling, if you need any clarification on specific things I’ll try my best

[Sofi]

Hi wnderingsol, hope it's okay for me to jump in. I'd like to point out that when we feel shame about something (or 'disgust', which almost always comes from/hand-in-hand with shame), and we try to repress it or deny it, it often makes the problem bigger. That's because we aren't addressing it head-on and working through what the foundation of it is. In your case, trying to just ignore these urges to consume sexual media and to masturbate is only a band-aid solution, whereas ideally we can break down why you feel shame and disgust around it, process those feelings, and decide from there how you want to proceed. Does that make sense?

You mentioned that you feel aroused by fantasy gender transformation content but don't want to, and it sounds like you think there's something wrong with it. Why is that? From my perspective, there's nothing shameful or disgusting about what you've described, and even if it's niche content it doesn't mean it's not commonly consumed or that it's wrong to view/read it. So I wonder why you feel this way - is it from something someone said, or just a feeling you have? Do you remember the first time you felt that way?

[wnderingsol]

@Sofi

I don't necessarily think there's something wrong with feeling aroused by it - and I understand why I am, it's just I don't want to be "addicted" to that feeling more or less. And I don't want to get lost in it when I'd much rather pursue my own transition goals. I'd say I've had this mindset ever since the first time I tried, which wasn't that long ago (like I said, I found explicit material later than most people my age). I've always understood that masturbation is completely normal for any human being to do, but I know it can be a serious compulsion - and I would much rather feel happier by becoming the person I've always dreamt of being than being stuck in an cycle that only distracts me from getting where I want to be.

I hope this makes sense?

[maille]

Hi, wnderingsol.

I wanted to let you know that I don't consider you an addict and really only think of things as being problem behaviors when they are harming you, harming others or harming you day to day activities. That being said, I hear that you are really uncomfortable with how much you are consuming this media as well as the desire to consume it. Does that sound right?

I wonder what we can do to help with some of the feelings of dysphoria surrounding this. Have you been able to identify things that normally help?

[wnderingsol]

@maille

Yes I've been uncomfortable with consuming it, not that it's necessarily "wrong" but I'd just much rather focus on working towards a brighter future for myself and my transition, rather than being stuck in a temporary feeling that only provides very temporary relief. I don't really have an outlet for helping with my dysphoria at the moment - I'm not currently out to my parents/immediate family, and it's something I've been navigating by myself, with the help of my therapist and people on a different online forum specifically for trans people like myself.

[amber]

Hi wnderingsol,

Hope it is ok for me to jump in! I want to reiterate how common of a feeling this is and that I am sorry it is causing you stress.

While reading the thread I have gathered that your uncomfortability may be coming from the the lack of control you feel over your actions rather than masturbation in itself. Does that sound accurate? If so, it could be helpful to work on ways (even if they are small) to feel more in control. What would masturbating without this contact look or feel like for you? How about continuing to try and redirect when you feel like consuming said content?

I also want to add that I am glad you opened up here. It is not easy not having the support of those closest to you, but I am glad you have found community as well as a therapist who uplift you! Have you ever thought about bringing these concerns up to your therapist or people who you feel comfortable opening up to?