How to cope with past child-on-child sexual assault between a family member?

[nyancatsparkle]

When I was 4 my older brother (14 at the time) and I were innocently playing in the living room. I remember we were dancing and and he had asked me if I wanted to know what real dancing was like. He took me to his room and we got in his closet and sat on the floor for a little. Then he layed down and told me to lay on top of him. We laid there for a little until he made me lay down on the floor as he got on top of me. All of a sudden he started kissing me and pulled my pants down to look at my genitals, and then continued kissing me.

Eventually my mom found us in the closet and questioned us separately. Since I was just a child I didn’t know exactly what we were doing but I knew it was wrong. When my mom asked me questions I was scared I would get in trouble and didn’t tell her anything. I saw her having a talk with my brother in his room and I went downstairs to watch TV and cried. Later my brother came downstairs and asked me if I was crying because he had gotten in trouble ( I certainly wasn’t but instead was crying because what he did made me upset) and gave me a hug as well as a dollar.

Now I don’t see my brother very often but when I do I can never get myself to speak to him. I don’t even like being in his presence; I basically just avoid him the whole time. I hate feeling this way because I’ve always wanted an older sibling to talk and relate to, but I can’t seem to be able to do so because of my experience with him. Are there any ways in which would help me cope with my past and help me talk to my brother again?

[Sofi]

Hi nyancatsparkle, welcome to the boards.

I'm so sorry you went through that experience. Unfortunately, it's common for kids to not know how to react in those situations, and be scared to tell adults out of fear of getting in trouble, so I don't want you to feel like you could've handled it differently because you were very young and you did nothing wrong. I'm sorry you've had to carry that and are now struggling to be around your brother as a result of what happened.

We are happy to provide support and be a safe place for you to vent and talk about this, and we can also provide you with resources to find a mental health professional to talk to, since this is something we would recommend to process with a professional. Do you need some resources/help finding one, or do you already have a therapist you are seeing?
Also let me know in what other ways we can support you. <3

[nyancatsparkle]

I would like to be helped with finding resources please!

[KierC]

Hi nyancatsparkle,

We’d be glad to help you find resources. It sounds like in-person, one-on-one therapy with a mental health professional might be what you’re looking for here. Did I understand you correctly? If so, if you’d like to send us your location using our contact form so it’s private, I can start looking at options for you. <3