coming out, and i'm ASIAN

[lalalalazy]

hihihii! first post!
i want to come out to everyone besides family. pronoun and flag badges, even using a new name in class so my classmates get the idea, that sort of thing. but FEAR. prevents me.

things to say about this:
-my family are, and always will be, blatant homophobes. aside from one cousin, she's cool. we're all Muslim (im 4th gen Pakistani and parents are homophobic, ableist, racist, you name it.) ANYWAY, coming out to my parents will be very dangerous and possibly not good for my safety, so i'm not even going to try.
-my school is very trans supportive. i've been questioning my gender and sexuality for a while now, and i think i got it! bi, girlflux, and ace! (maybe demigirl/enby, pronouns are a different story...) i know many trans people in my school, and even school records systems are very inclusive.
-my friends are mostly chill. I would trust them with my life. i think. honestly none of them would deliberately put me in danger by outing me to my parents.

parents. My mum used to check my phone and Whatsapp a lot and I have learned to clear conversations with my girlfriend and deletemessages with swearing/discussions of things they don't like. I also keep my socials in the Samsung secret folder thing, so they can't see my discord or pinterest (believe me pinterest gets bad).

school. ugh. i can bear the mean kids in my year bothering me about my new name, but I'm worried about parents' evenings. what if someone, be it a friend or enemy, slips up and uses the wrong name? that would be bad.

I feel as though the idea of being "out" is over-romanticised, although that might just be me. Everything is going perfectly for me, seemingly, like deleting texts and clearing away the parts of me that they hate when parents are near feels like clockwork. i am scared that even making a badge reflecting my sexuality/pronouns/gender and wearing it in school will disrupt the very precariously balanced "schedule" and I would love to be "out", but I don't know if I can.

does anyone out there have this very specific experience? or even- vaguely? thanks

[lalalalazy]

extra things!
-i'm afab
-my friend wanted to buy me some badges but i'm afraid of it disrupting the ""schedule"". I would have to remove them from my uniform every day and keep them in the library, and I am a forgetful fool.
-i love being myself (mostly). i'm queer and asian! though struggling with other issues, I stand tall!

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Lalalalazy! Congratulations on finding an identity you feel comfortable with! It is wonderful to hear that you love being yourself, and that you stand tall while acknowledging your struggles.

I am sorry, though, that your family has put you in a position where you can't be honest with them about who you are. We're happy to chat about your options for coming out, and help you think about how to make sure this process is as safe as possible.

I'd like to start with your school, since we know they are supportive of trans students. Having some more information about how exactly your school handles trans students' needs should help you figure out what you can do without fear... Do you know what their policies are for protecting students' privacy when they can't be out at home? If you don't, could you ask 1. friends/peers who have come out at your school and 2. teachers you trust about how these things are handled?:

• If your name and pronouns were changed in your records, what name would be listed on the documents that your family has to see?

• Do your teachers have a plan in place for referring to trans students during those parents' evenings?

• How does your school handle disciplinary and safety issues between students? If you talked your school about mean kids bothering you, would they have to communicate about that to your parents?

One fact we have to be prepared for is that, the more people who know, the less control you have over where this information goes. You're right that even the most well-meaning people can slip up. Since your happiness and safety are on the line, we should be sure to consider all options carefully--we can figure out what the risks are, and which ones are manageable together.

-my friend wanted to buy me some badges but i'm afraid of it disrupting the ""schedule"". I would have to remove them from my uniform every day and keep them in the library, and I am a forgetful fool.

So far, it sounds like you are managing this schedule really well. It can't be easy, and it would be a lot of pressure expect anyone to keep track of these things.

If your friend wants to give you a present, is there something they could give you that would make your identity recognizable to your friends and peers, without being notable to your parents? What would you think of wearing discreet pins or jewelry in bisexual/girlflux/ace/enby/demigirl colours?

[lalalalazy]

hi! im very grateful for your reply!!

i realised my school records can be seen easily by parents. however, my gender is listed on their system as "Not Specified" which is pretty funny

school welfare department usually talks to kids who are being mean. I can handle them, because they're mean to everyone. they accused my friends of being trans/gay even though they're not, they see being lgbtq+ as a joke.
i'm not bothered by them and if they did actually try to harm me then welfare will do something about it without outing me to my parents I reckon

I suppose with parents' evenings I just have to trust them, because I don't know their policies. i could always ask someone on Monday though, just to find out if telling my teachers is a good idea

i like the idea of using discreet pride stuff- I have a little embroidery on my bag with the bi colours as stars lol
honestly flags like girlflux aren't really recognisable (i know they don't need to be, but I would love to find something like that.)
holding up the ""schedule"" is pretty rough but honestly it's cool


maybe I can just make my own discreet pride stuff and wear it. it seems a lot easier

thankyousomuchhhh!!!!!

[Anya]

Hey lalalalazy,

I think it's a good idea to ask one of your teachers on Monday about policies. If there's a teacher you trust, or the person you expect to facilitate parent meetings is someone you can talk to, I would consider telling them your concerns so that they know it's important for them to address you in specific ways around your parents. But trust your gut, and do what you feels right in the moment.

Btw, I love the idea of making your own pride accessories. I used to make all my own pins and embroider pride stuff on the inside of button up shirt pockets and bags all the time when I was a teenager so I think this is a great idea! Also on the ankles of socks and hats that can fold up were go-tos. It can totally be hard to be discreet, and i'm sorry that you have to be. Rememeber that it is temporary, and in the blink of an eye you're going to be old enough to dress however you want and be whoever you want to be. Waiting is the most diffcult thing in the world, trust me, i've been through it. But it will get easier in time. You're doing so well right now! You got this.

[lalalalazy]

thank you! i really needed to hear the last part haha
i got lazy today but i'm going to go ask teachers and stuff TOMORROW! very grateful for the advice <3

[lilikoi]

Woo! Let us know how it goes! It's always so empowering to hear about people living their truths and navigating the world the way that feels best for them. Shine that light lalalalazy!

[lalalalazy]

hello! here's an update!!
talked to my counsellor and she said the school can use a student's pronouns socially without parental permission, but not names?? she's gonna arrange a meeting with the welfare lead person and me so i can figure out what to do

thank you sooo much lilikoi!! <3 <3

[maille]

Lalalalazy,

What great news! Way to advocate for yourself! That is an interesting school policy, but a great place to start. Is there anything you'd like to talk about in prep for the meeting with the welfare lead?

We are all so happy for you!

[lalalalazy]

hihi!
stuff i wanna ask the welfare lead:
-if teachers are even allowed to tell my parents about me being trans, in which case i will not come out.
-policies on bullying/homophobia by teachers and students
-if i can use a new name socially, without it on the records, and whether teachers are allowed to tell parents

oh and also!! theres something regarding school records that says because im above the age of 12, my parents dont have access to the records without my consent. technically i could get that updated. idk what that means for me though lol

lil update! my friend bought me the enby and bi badges! she literally stopped having a panic attack to tell me that i wore the enby one upside down lolllll. i don't think people noticed the badges yet but i love them and i leave them in my locker after school

[mikky]

hi lalalalazy, those are such good questions to ask. As someone who works in student records, I am personally curious about what policies your school has around your record privacy (very nerdy of me ).
I wonder also what planning you and these very supportive sounding folks can do that is tailored to what you might need-- like maybe reaching out to teachers before a term to give them a heads up on what name and pronouns to use, and when NOT to use those.

I love hearing that your friend is so sweet. And the panic attack distraction! Now you have a potential panic attack reducing trick up your sleeve- wear a badge upside down

Huge props to you for navigating your school/community and advocating for yourself. It is really awesome.

[lalalalazy]

hi, mikky!!
nerdy is cool, i'm looking for any gender identity related uk article i can get my hands on. love reading up about this stuff at 2am :]
im gonna assume this gov.uk stuff applies to my school cause it is UK law and i'm in england

https://consult.education.gov.uk/equali ... idance.pdf

If a child requests a change, schools and colleges should
make parents aware of the situation and can point them to support outside the
school environment if they request more
information. The only exception to this is the very rare situation where informing
parents might raise a significant risk of harm to the child./i]

^think this is relevant to me cause harm. yeeaa

In all cases, bullying of any child must not be tolerated. No child should be sanctioned for
honest mistakes when adapting to a new way of interacting with another pupil./i]

^okay that's very fair

Schools must record a child’s legal name in the admissions register. They may allow
pupils to change their informal (‘known as’) name if they believe it is in the best interests
of the child to do so./i]
it says it has to be with parental consent but i may be the "rare case" it mentioned.

goodnight i'll find out more this week cause it's a half termmm

[Latha]

Hey Lalalalazy!

Ohhhhh, independent research! That's a great way to be prepared to navigate transitioning with your school.

The sections you pulled all seem relevant to your situation. About the first point, I think there are two things to consider. One: who has to agree that you would be at risk of significant harm if your parents were informed? And two: what conditions need to be met for them to agree?

Ideally, it should be enough for you to tell them that your safety would be at risk if your parents were informed. But, I think it is best to check and see if that is the actual policy that your school is following. We should make sure that they'll take your concerns seriously.

Goodnight, and good luck with finding out more information this week! <3