Not sure if early "I love you" is necessarily bad.

[ratherslowseal]

Hello people of the Scarleteen message boards,

I am not sure if it is necessary to contextualize this post from my last. I have made a lot of progress with myself since my last (and first) post in the fall, and I've been in a tremendously better place since then. I feel as though, after a lot of personal struggles before and since graduating high school, I am finally learning how to be myself. I have never been better.

Right into the new year (it started a little before Christmas, actually), I began hanging out with a boy I knew from the student Pride group at my college who I had been eyeing (literally... I am not very subtle, apparently people notice when you stare at them) since I first saw him in September. After hanging out a few times, I told him about my feelings, and he felt the same. We have spent time with each other at every given opportunity since (his class schedule and my work schedule are not the most compatible). I absolutely adore him and spending time with him. I feel so comfortable with him. We laugh together, we talk about and navigate weird things, we're close and affectionate. We really "click". I am so happy with him.

We are both young (I am 19, he is 18) and in our first relationship. We are also both maybe-probably autistic (though we have different experiences considering/discovering it, and relatively different traits and histories, but also some similarity). I think that is very relevant to the point of this post (I know I take forever to get there), because, with both of us (more or less), our experience as (maybe-probably) autistic children, and teens, and now young adults, we did not have all the interpersonal experiences that are often considered like, eh, milestones at certain ages, although my experience (or, lack of) is more "extreme" than his. My point is that this culminates in a lot of longing, and so, when you do find someone, it is very, very special. I mean, I cannot speak for other people's experiences, but I am pretty sure having your attraction and affection for another person be reciprocated is generally a very special experience, but, for me, it is completely novel, especially when it encompasses someone's entire person, and to have someone desire everything that I am in turn. Being queer (and trans) also amplifies this experience, at least in my case.

Now I will get to the point. On Friday, when he was over for the afternoon/evening, we were cuddling while waiting for the cookies we made to come out of the oven, and we were talking, and he told me that he loves me. I had some thoughts and feelings about this, but at the moment we didn't have a lot of time before he had to leave, so I didn't want to start a conversation about it right then (and I think I'm glad I have had some time to mull it over, anyways). Obviously, we are very early in our relationship. Which is of course relevant to my thoughts/feelings about him saying this, but I do not think that provides the entire picture, and I do not feel that saying "I love you" is premature solely because it was said in the context of a very young romantic relationship.

The word love can refer to different things. When I think of it, I think of love the feeling, the state of being, and love the action, the practice. In my/our situation, saying "I love you" and meaning the latter would be premature, it would be bringing a desired future into our present that we do not yet have. And I want to be in the present with him. I want a future together, but I want a present first, and I think love as a practice precludes having a shared history, routinely showing up for another, and allowing that other person to routinely show up for you. Caring and being cared for, repeatedly, time and time again. And I want that, but it is not something that we have between us right now, it is something that is built over time.

But, having thought about it, I don't think that saying "I love you" and meaning the former---love the feeling---is necessarily premature (in our case). I experience a lot of feeling towards him, which could also be described as the feeling of being in love. I just don't feel so ready to say those words yet, or the need to. And, to me, if he does feel that way, and saying "I love you" is an authentic expression of that, then that is okay with me, I don't think it's necessarily bad or premature or anything. It's okay if we arrive at that point at different times, or express the same emotions differently. I just want to talk about it with him, and be on the same page. I've just been waiting to do so, because I would rather talk about it in-person, when we are both physically, mentally, and emotionally present. Two of those things can also take place on call, but he'll be over for dinner tonight, so I have the opportunity to talk to him about it face-to-face.

I guess I just wanted to run my thoughts by someone. Thanks for listening to me yap.

[Heather]

It's nice to see you again, and I'm so glad to hear you're doing so well. <3

You know, I think all of your thoughts on this are right on. You're right, really connecting with someone is exceptional, and all the more so when our pool of people we can connect with is small, as will almost always be the case when we're queer, neuroatypical, or both. I also agree with you that saying I love you, or feeling love, pretty soon in a relationship is not automatically a problem. Life is short and full of struggle: feeling and finding love is always a good thing, if you ask me. You also seem to have a really good handle on what actively loving one another really looks like vs. just saying those words.

I think where we can better look for potential or current problems is in the stuff that happens around an "I love you." Does it feel insincere, or like it's about someone trying to get something from us? Does it feel drama-ful or controlling: does it feel like love bombing rather than love? Does it seem like a way someone is trying to get us to attach to them sooner than we're doing it, or because they think we're pulling away? Is it being said inside or about something that seems really good or something that doesn't? This doesn't sound like any of those things to me, what you have described so far sounds very wonderful, and for both of you, but if in doubt, asking yourself some of these questions might be helpful.

[HarlanStormwood]

You’re approaching this really thoughtfully and maturely. I love how you’re distinguishing between love as a feeling and love as a practice, that’s incredibly self-aware. Wanting to talk it through and stay present shows care, not fear. You’re handling this beautifully.