Did I do the right thing by getting back “together” with this person? I really wanted to

[iloveeveryone]

Hello, thank you!

I’ve been with this guy for the last few weeks, but (partly because I’m graduating college in a week and he is in the degree for 2 more years) we haven’t made it that much of a long-term committed thing, even though we do have an actual connection and physical+romantic-emotional+platonic bond. Because of a certain conversation, I thought we had established the expectation that even after I graduate, we would try to maintain romantic contact and be together, whatever that may look like.

But three days ago (Tuesday), he said we should have a “conversation”, and he said that we should “end things slowly” by the time I graduate, and not continue being together. What really hurt me was that he brought up my anxious attachment style (not that phrasing, but the concept) and said that things like the fact that he could tell that I was spending more time with him than on my assignments/professional goals, and some incidents where I overthought texts and sent him7-8 texts at once then ended up calling him to say that we should meet to define the relationship, “disturbed” him, and that “the most meaningful thing he could do for me was to make me realise that my self-worth didn’t come from others” while ending our relationship.

I thought all that was condescending and mean, and was really hurt thinking that my actions were the reason our together-ness was ending. I wanted to say that I thought it was mean, but then I decided to just get over the situation and not get into contact with him to say these things because I wanted to study for my final exams.

But then, yesterday, I went up to him to tell him that I didn’t want to talk to him or acknowledge him at all for my last week on campus, but we ended up starting to talk, oops. So then I told him all that was wrong with what he said, and that it hurt me, and that the things he said weren’t accurate, and were self-centred.

Then we ended up having a second big conversation: he kind of broke down and gave the explanation that he said those bad things because he “could feel we were getting closer” and wanted to avoid that commitment and those deep feelings, so he said things that would make me push him away. He also said that he had acted like his father in our conversation, making things about himself and making the other person the problem. He agreed that none of the things he said about me were true. We held hands, because we still liked each other, despite that bad conversation we had had.

Eventually, he asked me a choice: end things right now, amicably, and be friends, because “I would have every reason to do so” after how he acted in the Tuesday conversation, or “give him a second chance” (his words) romantically for the one week I’ll be on campus if I can look past the things he said to me, and we see after a week what we want to do after I graduate and we are in different cities for a few years.

I told him I wanted to ignore the mean conversation, and be together romantically for the next one week before I leave college. I like him, and I actually don’t care much about the mean conversation (assuming that his new explanation is correct, and he doesn’t actually believe the things about me he said). I really like him, and our relationship temporarily ending on Tuesday was really unexpected. I feel that that is enough reasons for me to get back with him.

At the same time, during our few weeks together + the Tuesday conversation, I did see signs that we were incompatible/not good for each other right now — his communication and always-joking-never-serious issues, and my anxious attachment style and thinking about him a lot and spending less time working because I was spending time with him (even now, I have a final exam day after tomorrow but since I chose the romantic option over the friend option and am overthinking it, I am taking your help and writing this message instead of studying).

I just couldn’t stand the idea of accepting being just his friend, even if becoming apart/not-romantic might be “better” for me in the long run!

There’s also always the principle that I don’t need to get worked up and anxious about things I don’t need to get anxious about — right now, we are together again, I am visibly happier, and I am also able to study for my exam.

But then also, the fact that he made me feel so bad on Tuesday makes me feel like it is bad and un-feminist of me to get back with him. Also, I had multiple conversations with friends and my sister about how our few weeks together + the Tuesday conversation made me realise that we are not a good match for each other anyway. And now I am going back on that!

But I think there is no way I could ever, in my current personality and who I am in life, have said to be just friends.

I also feel like even if you say I shouldn’t have gotten back together, I will not reverse my decision, partly because I already told him my decision, and he asked me twice if I was sure, and I said yes. I’ll just become even more guilty and anxious about my decision but without changing it…

Right now, our most likely scenario is that we are romantically together this week (but spend almost 0 time together because we both have exams), spend time romantically in the 2 days after exams and before I leave campus to graduate, then slowly fade apart once we are not spending time together IRL anymore.

I do think that I am getting anxious needlessly right now. I did what was better for me in the moment, and that is fine (as in, in the one week I will be on campus, I will be happier with him romantically than not with him romantically). Is it fine? Argh!

I don’t think I should need to seek validation like this, but what do you think?

Some other miscellaneous anxious-mind questions I had:
1. Why did he give me this choice? Does that mean he would have been more fine than me with being just friends? Doesn’t that mean he doesn’t like me as much as I like him?
2. I should have just said no to romance, and yes to being friends or nothing…
3. The fact that he brought up these specific things in the Tuesday conversation must mean he actually believes them somewhere inside him… should that be enough reason for me to not be with him again? If I go by my friend and sister conversations, yes, that is enough reason to not be with him.

Some other points for being with him again:
1. I couldn’t have said no
2. We like each other, and that counts for something — a lot, actually — and the stakes aren’t high — it’s not like I committed to a long-term relationship yesterday despite having doubts.
3. It does seem to be true somewhere that I did ‘hedonism’ by not looking long-term, and just saying yes to romance because I wanted to, but it’s okay, all good.

I also feel a bit guilty because I am also going through a former classmate’s death by su***de, and I should be sadder about that, not doing romantic stuff. I feel like you must be thinking “oh, these kids take things and people that won’t matter at all in just a few months or years, and make mountains out of molehills!”

Anyway, looking forward to your response.

Thank you.

[char]

Hi iloveeveryone. I'm sorry you're dealing with these complex thoughts. And all of these are happening when you're approaching your exams, too. I can see how it's caused you a lot of stress and anxiety.

For starters: in the end, no one can make the call for you to end things with this guy but yourself. On the one hand, since you're the person in the relationship, you are probably more aware of how things will go between the two of you—including how you both will navigate your differences and help each other communicate better. On the other hand, I can also see why your sister and friends think it's best that you don't date him anymore. What he said on Tuesday definitely hurt you, and sometimes we need other people to point out the flaws/imperfections as a third-party. Your friends and sister just want you to be safe. Regardless of your decision here, there will always be "what-ifs" and regrets, so for now, it can be a good idea to let things unfold while also taking care of yourself. How have you been holding up with these feelings, especially with the news of your former classmate?

As another outsider, I have some questions about this relationship. Maybe these questions can help you evaluate:

1. When your boyfriend apologized for what he said on Tuesday, did he say anything about working on to fix this communication issues? It can also be helpful to look back to how the two of you have solved conflicts before, big or small.

2. When you mentioned you have an anxious attachment style, is this something you've personally identified with for a while, or did someone else (aside from your boyfriend) point it out for you? You said that you once sent him 7-8 texts at once and called him after overthinking some of his messages—what were in his messages that made you worried?

I would also like to say that it's not inherently "unfeminist" to stay in a romantic relationship after a conflict. Obviously this depends on the conflict and whether there's a pattern of abuse or not, but being a feminist doesn't mean not having romantic relationships at all. Additionally, we can't interpret your boyfriend's intentions; the only way of knowing is asking him why he did what he did. Do you get what I mean?