Help

[emmy09]

Ive been with my boyfriend for a year. At first, I went out of my way to hang out with him and get to know him and all, but idk why now, since im more comfortable with him, im like physically incapable of being with him when we're not just the 2 of us. At school or with my friends, I just physically can't be in "relationship mode" with him anymore and he feels unwanted. Im uncomfortable with doing PDA and all, and he knows, but he stills feels unloved and ashamed. What do I do?????!!!!

[amber]

Hi emmy09!

This sounds like a tough feeling. I am wondering if you'd want to share a little more about what it feels like when the two of you are alone. In relationships (both romantic, sexual, and platonic) we tend to continue seeking out intimacy and closeness as the relationship grows. This often looks like spending time together doing mundane things or seeking each other out for support.

Because your feelings have changed I think it is important to ask how you are feeling about the relationship overall. Maybe thinking about if it is a relationship you are really wanting to continue?

[emmy09]

I definitely do want to continue the relationship. I think that I've always been a bit avoidant like I'm describing near the end but I made a bit more effort because I wanted to get to know him. It seems like since we know each other now and I'm comfortable with him, it's coming out more. With him and our families, everything's fine, but it's just when we're in a context where I can't have most of my attention on him, like with my friends or when I'm busy or whatever, I just really don't feel like talking or being near him for some reason. I'm really at a loss...

[Latha]

Hi there, Emmy09

Here is what I'm hearing: when you interact with your boyfriend, you feel like you need to give him most of your attention. When you can't do that, it sounds like the pressure of interacting with him in relationship mode is too much, so you avoid it. Does that sound right?

Given that you want to be in this relationship, I can see how this discomfort would be really confusing. I want to see if asking a few questions can shed some light on what is happening:

• Building off of Amber's thought about intimacy, do you feel comfortable being vulnerable around your boyfriend, or do you feel like you need to be able to meet certain standards in order to interact with him? How would it impact your relationship if you interacted with him when you couldn't give him most of your focus?

• Could you tell us a bit about what your relationship with your friends is like? Do you feel comfortable being vulnerable with them, or talking to them about your relationship?

• Do you feel like you have to project a certain image of your relationship in front of other people?

[emmy09]

For my boyfriend, I am comfortable being vulnerable with him, but not in a public setting. It just makes me uncomfortable and feel like I need to run (fight or flight type of thing)

My friends know about my relationship, it's not like I'm ashamed of it. Even they ask me why I don't spend much time with him (at school) and why I don't like going up to him or whatever.

I don't feel like I have to project a certain view of our relationship, I'd just rather keep my love life and school/friends life separate. As I said, for some reason my body always chooses flight mode to move on from if he's talking to me or wanting to hug me in front of others. It just embarasses me, IDK why...

[Sofi]

Honestly, it's okay if you want to keep your love live and school/friends separate. That makes sense and there's nothing wrong with that. Even the fact you're not comfortable with being physically intimate with him, such as hugging and stuff, in front of people at school, is okay. It does sound like that's what he wants, though, which is also valid, but you two will have to talk about how you can meet each other at a place you're both comfortable and if you can't, whether you might be incompatible. You both deserve to express your affection in the ways you feel comfortable and safe doing so.

It does sound like you want to try to work on this so you can get to a point of being able to show him affection publicly, right? Can I ask if this is something YOU truly want, or do you just feel pressure to do it so you don't lose him/so he's happy?