How to deal with a hopeless romantic

[rolfedewolfe]

Hello again,

I will get right into it : I have a friend that has a history of having crushes on guys that don't care about her. She just recently got out of one of those crushes, and now she is beginning to develop another crush already !

The thing is, this new guy is quite nice to her, but I personally think she needs a break from this romance stuff, seeing as how badly her last crush went. And also I don't believe he is quite in her age range (he is 17 and she is 21).

Her last crush went badly because the guy was indecisive, but it was also partly due to the people around her encouraging her. They convinced her to confess to him while she was having a breakdown over him ! And of course it went badly, which I knew it would. I always try to avoid encouraging / entertaining her crushes, to avoid shit like this (pardon the language).

So, back to the new guy. I'm not sure how to go about this, knowing she is terrible at handling crushes. In general she is kind of bad at standing up for herself and she lets herself be walked on too easily. I feel like it's not right that she is already starting to develop a new crush right after dropping a major one. I already see people encouraging her with this new crush, and I feel like this is gonna be an endless cycle.

[Sofi]

Hi rolfedewolfe,

Ah, I can tell you really care about your friend and don't want her to get hurt. That's awesome and she's lucky to have a friend who's looking out for her.

Unfortunately, people will sometimes make their own decisions no matter what advice we give them, especially at her age. You could try to talk to her, but it also might end up making her feel like you don't support her decisions, so it's a bit of a toss up. With some friends it's better to just let them make their own choices even if it means they end up with their feelings hurt, because after all, that's impossible to entirely avoid in life anyway. Of course, if you think she's physically in any danger, that's a different story. So while she probably could use a break, it doesn't sound like she wants one, and it might be better for you to just be supportive of her. Do you think that's something you can do?

[rolfedewolfe]

Hello Sofi, what do you mean by supportive ?

[Becky]

Hey rolfedewolfe!

I think what Sofi means is trying to find a way to be happy for your friend for now. Listen to her when she gushes about her crush and be excited for her when she is excited.

Now, I know this sounds counterproductive to you and it is a fine line to walk-- especially when you are concerned about her getting hurt. But if you come in too hot and try to tough love her and tell her that she's a hopeless romantic and let's herself get walked all over, she may pull away from you and then you won't be able to be there for her if/when things come crashing down.

In your case, this looks like being happy and excited for your friend while she is happy and excited and be ready to have her back and encourage her to find people who treat her better if she comes to you and says, "I don't think this guy actually cares about me."

Does this all make sense? I know it's really frustrating when you have a friend or loved one who is acting in ways that aren't beneficial for them but I promise it is so much more important for you to be there for them when they need you than for you to be "right" in this situation.

(For what it's worth, I do agree with you about the age difference. That is probably enough of a gap that there are some developmental differences-- so maybe this will run it's course pretty quickly?)

[rolfedewolfe]

Hi Becky,

I see. Unfortunately, I can't do that, it would be very unnatural for me. I am someone who goes about romance in a kind of straight-forward way, and all this gushy stuff is really not my thing. And it clearly doesn't benefit my friend, so I'm not gonna entertain it like it won't have repercussions in the future.

So what now ? Do I start setting boundaries with her around this topic ?

[char]

Hi rolfedewolfe! Reiterating what Sofi said, I think your friend is lucky to have a thoughtful friend like you. I also believe it's possible for you to let her know that you got her back in your own way. On her previous crush, have you been able to let her know your concerns? If you have, how was her reaction?

If she was rather not receptive of your concerns, I think it's a good idea to set some boundaries with her. For example, you could let her know that you won't encourage or hype her crushing on this new guy, but you'll be there if anything bad happens. (In other words, boundaries are focused on your actions, rather than hers.) If something bad did happen, you may want to avoid telling her "I told you so" but still support her with practical advice if she asked for them. What do you think of these?