I'm just upset because I'm not sure

[coffeebeans]

I am not sure if im bisexual or if I'm faking it for attention. I never (or barely just one) had crushes before and I tense up at the mention of sex and most things sexual . It just makes me uncomfortable.I feel out of place because I never related to fawning over boys like other people make it seem Do i recognised when someone pretty? I guess but I was never interested in any of that . I zone out alot in my own world when I'm doing most things.

But I get jealous when I see women kissing in art , in the media I read,movies. the couple in real life and I dont know why anymore. I feel embarassed and ashamed because I think about being with women sometimes but it mostly reduces to cuddles kissing and maybe having a family with me and her and like one kid . Then suddenly most of the time I started having sexual thoughts with women. But then everything just switches because I think about being in relationship with men as well just dont want to have sex. My thoughts on who I want to be in a relationship with changes depending on the day month year.

I feel like uncomfortable at the mention of sex when it comes to men or just when someone mention it.

I never had a crush on a girl before and I cry because what if I dont actually feel this way for women and it because of trauma and I never supposed to have a relationship with a girl. What if I don't feel a connection if I do go and date a woman. I would be so disappointed and I dont know why. I read romance book and watch movies but even though I enjoy them alot I can't relate or I just get upset to finish anything. I want to feel the same rush but I get a voice in the back of my head saying I'm faking it. I wanted to call myself bi , but then stopped because I wanted to know for sure , then I wanted to be unlabled but I can't stop calling myself bi.

I wish I could get overmyself because I dont know what to do. I want to tell my mom about figuring out my sexuality but I feel like it would make me feel worse than anything. It had a time where she ask me randomly about my sexuality and I just said im straight to avoid trouble but she said I dont even know.

Sorry if this was to long

[Latha]

Hi there, Coffeebean--welcome to the boards! No worries, your post was not too long.

I'm hearing that you noticed some signs that you are attracted to women (feeling jealousy and longing when you see depictions of relationships between women, imaging having a family with a woman, thinking sexual thoughts about them) and men (imagining being in a relationship with a man). But, you're upset and frustrated because it feels like you can't justify calling yourself bisexual at this point. Thank you or reaching out to us. We can definitely talk about what you might do about these feelings.

Let me assure you: you don't need to have had crushes or feel comfortable with sex to know that you are bisexual. You don't need to like men and women in the same way or amount at the same time. You just have to notice that you have the capacity to be interested in relationships with men and women, or with people of more than one gender. And it seems like you have.

Really, you don't even need to be totally sure to adopt a word of identity. That is a high bar to meet when people are so complicated--we often learn most about ourselves and what we want by trying things out. Based on what you know now, if understanding yourself as bisexual feels good or right, if it feels like something you want, you can do it. You can always change how you identify if you learn different information about your self, but what you feel now matters. You would not be hurting anyone by calling yourself bisexual.

I'm curious about your concern about faking being bisexual for attention. What does it mean to fake a sexuality for attention, in your opinion? What attention would you get? And why do you think you might be doing such a thing?

What if I don't feel a connection if I do go and date a woman. I would be so disappointed and I dont know why.

Would it help to hear that being attracted to women does not mean you should feel a connection to every woman you meet? Not feeling a connection with a woman you date would not mean that you are wrong about your sexuality. There are so many different women in the world, and so much diversity in who they are are people. Gender can be a part of your understanding of who you would be compatible with in a relationship, but I'm sure you have preferences beyond that.

Along similar lines, do you think you should you be able to become very close friends with every woman you meet? Have you ever met a peer that you didn't have much of a connection with? I think it would be a lot to expect yourself to be intimate friends with everyone--it is the same with romantic relationships.

There are really so many ways to be bisexual. I want to offer you a few resources of ours, which get into what it means to be bisexual, and discuss some of the ways bisexual people can understand their sexuality. Would you look over them, and tell us what you think?:

• If I only want to have sex with women, but not date them, am I bisexual?

• From Erasure to Ownership: A Bisexuality Journey

• Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz

[coffeebeans]

hi sorry for the late reply

I'm curious about your concern about faking being bisexual for attention. What does it mean to fake a sexuality for attention, in your opinion? What attention would you get? And why do you think you might be doing such a thing?

I dont know what faking being bisexual actually looks like but I just had the thought about women suddenly and I'm scared that I'm leading someone on. Whenever I think about relationships with women I feel anxious and my stomach just feels like something moves in it and it makes noises. But then if I think what if I am just straight I feel depressed that if I am straight I would never feel satisfied and I just feel so jealous about seeing sapphic women in a realtionship that I really want it. I dont know how to describe it . Just a weird way to feel and I probably sound entitled and selfish.

I want to feel normal about it. Like I'm not hurting anyone for having thoughts about women or other girls but im afraid I'll get caught or that I'm just fetishizing them for some reason.
I also dont know why I want to use different pronouns it just feel nice but somehow just this bothers me.

[KierC]

Hi coffeebeans,

You’re not late at all! You’re welcome to reply to these posts whenever you’d like.

You also don’t sound entitled or selfish. It’s okay to have questions about your sexuality, and we’re happy to be able to help talk with you about it. It sounds like you like women, but you’re concerned about fetishizing women and faking attraction.

It doesn’t sound like you’re faking attraction to women, especially since you think about it often and get feelings in your body when you think about them. I’ll say, too, the whole thing about “faking” being bisexual is a bit fraught. I think there’s a lot of discussion in our culture around this, and I typically file those sorts of accusations (“such and so isn’t *really* bisexual”) as a form of bi-erasure. What do you think of that idea?

Can you tell me a little more about why you’re concerned about fetishization? Would it be helpful for you if we talked about what that means a little more?

Too, can you tell me a bit more about your concern with using different pronouns?

[coffeebeans]

For fetishizing women I don't know how do you know if you sexually attracted to someone or you just like the idea . Because I think I like women like that but if I did how come I never had a crush on a girl before or just notice that before. The only reason I think I like women that way was because of porn but I don't want it to be another weird fetish or something I have hear of. I actually want to kiss and cuddle and just be cozy.

It seems weird and I don't know if I'm faking it . And I hear other talk about there feeling for women and it sounds great but I want to feel the same way like romantically but I'm not feeling it. I still want to be in a relationship but it just switching all the time like one minute with a guy then a girl.

I don't think I could trust myself because my thoughts been moving fast and my mind been all over the place lately. And I think whenever I've been thinking about being with a girl and I feel great my mind immediately goes to think about being with a guy to see if I feel the same. I don't think it's matter the gender but I don't know what else I like and I'm turning 20 but I feel weird and childish. Like I have grown up at all.

And how do you know what you want like preference and stuff like that. People seem to know what they want and like but I don't know. I was reading about butch women and it was so good. I felt great after read the book I wanted to like change my pronouns and experiment with the way I look . It feels great but I feel like I'm doing everything so fast and randomly too.

[Heather]

Hi there, coffeebeans.

You know, what I'm hearing is that, as is the case for a lot of queer people, what gender or person you're attracted to probably simply varies, and also that you don't yet have any dating experience, period (right?), so you're struggling when it comes to figuring out if any of your attractions or interests will really manifest outside your head.

I think some of the trouble here is that you're trying to base most or even all of this on things like what you read in books, see in other media or your ideas of attraction, ideas that aren't based in any actual experiences of feeling attracted to actual people, which is what orientation is really about.

People don't need to have actual lived experience with attraction or sex to have ideas about their sexual orientation, for sure, but without any lived experience, it's actually pretty hard to know what's what. What appeals to us in fiction, movies or other media just isn't often the same as how we feel about real people in our lives, including because those things are largely fictions and fantasies. It may be that a large reason this is so confusing is that you're trying to reach for an orientation before you've experienced much or even any attraction IRL and that you're getting caught up in your head with all of this. Generally, it makes a lot more sense to only try and name or categorize our feelings of attraction -- and not jealousy, not intellectual curiosity, but feeling literally drawn in your body, head and heart to actual people in your actual life -- only after we've had at least a few years of feeling those attractions, not before.

You say you're worried about leading people on, but I'm not seeing you actually pursuing anyone to date yet: is that right? If so, can you tell me why you're worried about your effect on people like this? I'm also not concerned about your fetishizing anyone. But it does feel like you've got yourself spinning out about this because you're simply trying to do something -- figure out your orientation -- before you have enough and the right kind of information or experience to do that.

Why not simply, for now, figure you're questioning and give yourself some real time, over years, to see what happens with your attractions in real life and then think about how to name them? Why stress yourself out by trying to claim orientation when that is outside your life experience so far instead of waiting for when it is and comes more easily to you?

[coffeebeans]

No I 'm not dating anyone I've never been on a date before. Do I try to go on a date now ? I didn't want to go on a sapphic dating site because I heard that people had problem with people who aren't queer taking over that space. Also heard a bunch of stories about women who weren't sure leading other women on . I wanted to be sure on my own so I don't waste anyone time or hurt people or just be disappointed . I really want to be in a relationship I think but I also want to be sure that I'm ready.

And I know I could just be honest about questioning but I don't know if anyone would want to date me.

[char]

Hi coffeebeans. I think you've just answered your own question there when it comes to dating--if you're not yet sure about your labels, and you worry that you're giving people "false hopes," you might want to put a hold on dating. Should you choose to date, I think people would be able to distinguish whether you're purposefully leading people on or you're simply still figuring things out. But perhaps, instead of approaching people romantically, you might find it useful to connect and interact with queer people platonically. You could find online or in-person communities near you, if that's possible, and chat with them about how they come to terms with their identity and experience. If finding identity-based community is difficult, you can look for communities based on your interests instead. Do you think this is possible for you to do?