Pregnancy scare

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

I want to start this off by saying I know I am incredibly stupid and I know I could have handled things better but I didn’t. I feel like after rerealizing what I have done with my partner I feel like I was just so stupid and there really is no excuse for my stupidity, I’m just scared.

So me and my partner occasionally have vaginal sex (maybe like 11 times the past 3-4 months) and we use protection every time but at the start we don’t. My partner does it so that their penis gets hard and I never really bought it but I just didn’t question it.

We usually do that around 5 minutes each time and they never ejaculate inside but there’s always a risk.

The first time this happened I was really worried and I didn't know that I was going to experience that or what was going to happen to me since my parents were really strict and I didn’t really have a means of going anywhere (they don’t know about any of this). They kept telling me it was fine, it was totally normal, and they’ve done this plenty of times and no girl has complained or said anything about it.

I find this really difficult to believe but I’m assuming their other past partners mentioned their boundaries before hand and so there were no misunderstandings. I guess since they said this and nothing happened I was more relaxed and less afraid about the consequences of what could happen. The more I think about it though, I just realized it was really stupid of me to be ok with it even for a second.

My period is due in around 3 days from now and I’m feeling all the PMS symptoms I usually get but they not as strong as they usually are. I’m just worried that my other periods I had were not real periods and it was just “light” spotting which doesn’t make sense since my periods weren’t light but anything’s possible. They’ve also been really regular and when they’re a little off, they’re always a bit earlier than expected. I know I can’t get medical advice here and I know what I was thinking for a few months is really dumb but thank you for reading all this.

[Heather]

Hey there, gnarp_gnarp. I'm soing to start by asking you not to call yourself stupid or otherwise denigrate yourself here. You're not stupid. Instead, what I am hearing, frankly, is that you're being coerced by your partner into doing something that isn't okay with you because of the risks it poses, and it sounds like you haven't felt able to draw a line with them. Coercing a partner into anything is never okay.

It doesn't matter what they have or haven't done with their past partners, because this is about you, their current partner. That said, it may well be that their current partners also were coerced by them and also were not actually okay with this.

Your partner isn't the person who can become pregnant here (and STIs are also an issue, especially if one or both of you isn't getting regularly tested), you are, so what you need is what needs to be centered here. Have you ever tried telling them that this is not okay with you, and that if they want to have sex with you, they need to use condoms properly, which includes having them on the whole time, not just some of the time? If so, how did that go? Did they still try and talk you into what they want?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

No we haven’t talked about this yet. We’re both busy so I don’t think we’ll see each other for a while. I’m just worried about what to do with myself right now since I still have to deal with the consequences

[char]

Hello gnarp_gnarp_2. In the meantime, do you think it'd be helpful to go through our pregnancy panic companion again? If you've reread it, let us know if you got anything you'd like to discuss further.

I also wonder how this sexual partnership has meant for you. With our past conversations in mind, it seems like there has been some considerable bumps in this relationship you have with this person: namely, the coercion and the challenges you've faced in communicating your needs, preferences, and boundaries. How do you feel about this relationship so far, after knowing this person for a while?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Hi char,

I mean I feel like a lot of it was just experimenting and see what I liked and disliked because I kind of got into this without figuring out myself first. I do wish I got to know myself sexually a bit better but I also feel going into this partnership wasn’t a bad idea either because I still trust this person and I like them.

I still like the physical parts of our relationship, I just feel like I should be more careful and wary of what I can accept. We’re both busy so it’s hard to talk to them and a lot of times we don’t talk much at all. Honestly I kind of wished we met in a different time where we would be a better version of ourselves to each other. I know they wish that too

[Latha]

Hello Gnarp_gnarp_2!

It is okay not to know everything about what you enjoy before you have sex with another person, and I wouldn't say getting into this partnership was a bad idea on your part. It is just that your comfort is important enough to justify a proper conversation, even if both of you are busy. Taking time to care is not optional.

The next time you can meet, before you do anything sexual, do you think you could sit down to talk about making sure you have enough protection against pregnancy, and talk to them about how this pregnancy scare has made you feel? Their response to your worries so far has not been acceptable, and it is important that that changes if you are going to continue to have sex with them. Too, you mentioned before that your partner was feeling frustrated from you not being about to orgasm. Did you have a chance to talk to them about that?

I appreciate that you trust and like them. Conversations like this is where they can show whether they are worthy of that regard. If they try to convince you that you should not worry about pregnancy risk again, or dismiss you in other ways, I really think they are not a safe partner to have sex with. What do you think?