Shame and confusion around my fetish

[vilumm]

For as long as I can remember I've had a fart fetish and I really don't know how to feel about this anymore.. It brings me alot of shame and indulging in it (watching porn) only leaves me feeling worse.

I have tried coming off porn since I thought that might be the issue, and have been off it for about a week now but the withdrawal symptoms have been so bad and I'm starting to have fantasies of this fetish that I'm just trying to suppress it but it's not helping.

I can't even tell if I enjoy this fetish anymore of it's just a compulsion of sorts and it's causing me so much stress and making me feel terrible because I'm just so confused and don't know what to do.

I'd really appreciate any help at all because I'm too embarrassed to speak to this about anyone else, thank you.

[char]

Hi vilumm, welcome to the boards I appreciate you sharing your story here, and I can see how you've found it challenging to deal with your sexual fantasies. It's unfortunate that our society has framed some fantasies as "acceptable" and some as not. Never mind that these are just fantasies; these scenarios do not directly harm others in real life. Not to mention that you don't have to bring them into reality if you don't want to. This is also why we don't refer to sexual fantasies as "fetish" or "kink," since the definitions of those words can vary from one person to another, and some people have used these words to dismiss, make fun of, and shame others who have sexual fantasies that are seen as "atypical."

For many of us, suppressing what we feel often doesn't help--especially when we do it out of shame and guilt. It's not because you haven't done this "long enough," but rather your thoughts and feelings on your own sexuality. (By "sexuality" I don't just mean your sexual orientation, but a range of aspects in your sexual life, as you can read further here: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sexuality-wtf-it-anyway.) Have you taken some time to think about your sexuality? The things that work for you, and the things that don't? How and where did you get your sexuality education--if any? It could be helpful to reflect on these, especially related to your sexual fantasy and engagement with porn. Additionally, have this level of stress affected your daily activities? If it has, it might be useful to discuss this with a therapist, since compulsions can be a sign of a mental health diagnosis like OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). Aside from the article I gave you above, you might find these ones helpful too:
- Undoing Sexual Shame
- How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms

[vilumm]

Thank you very much for the reply char, I really appreciate it. I'll make sure to read through all of the posts you've linked.

Honestly I haven't thought much about my sexuality and the more I look at it the more I just don't understand it. I think I like vanilla stuff too but this fetish does it the most for me, so much that I feel abnormal.

Growing up in a Christian home (despite dismissing those beliefs for a long time) definitely hasn't helped. Barely got any sex ed too.

I'll look into seeing a therapist because lately the stress of this has been making me feel less energetic, I feel like it's weighing on me since I don't understand it. But alot of the information on this website might also help me make some progress in the meantime, thanks again.

[Heather]

Hey there, vilumm.

You know, there really isn't such a thing as a "normal" sexuality, much in the way that there isn't such a thing as a "normal" nose. I mean sure, most noses have two nostrils, work for respiration and smell and also stick out from people's faces, but not only does what's in common with noses end about there, some noses don't even have those things in common. Much like the noses on our face, our spiritual beliefs, or our interests, human sexuality is incredibly diverse, which is why you will usually hear sex educators like myself debunking the idea there's even such a thing as sexualities that are normal or abnormal.

Related to what char said, when we villify sexual thoughts we're having for any reason, that only usually tends to make them stickier. If we want to have them less often for any reason, or we want to dial down their intensity, our best bet is usually to do what we can to relax about them, just accept them, and not beat ourselves up about them when they happen. If you can try and start to do that, I suspect you'll both feel better and, in time, be better able to suss out if these thoughts are actually sexual interests you have and may want to explore in any way or if they've just become intrusive thoughts for you at this point.

I also want to add that I'm not sure what you've been feeling that you are describing as withdrawal symptoms -- and I don't want to discount whatever those feelings have been -- I want you to know that there's no such thing as "withdrawal" from porn or any kind of physical symptoms as a result. Withdrawal is a framework and term that's used to describe chemical withdrawal people have from chemical substances like alcohol or drugs -- it's not something that happens with media or behaviours. Do you want to talk some about what you've been feeling that you have thought was some kind of withdrawal?

[vilumm]

Thank you for the reply heather, it's very reassuring to learn that there's no such thing as a normal sexuality as you've said.

I'll try to accept this part of me some more and see how that goes. It's never caused me any serious issues but it seems that the fact it's "weird" or "gross" is pretty much baked in mind, to the point where I feel guilty.

I want to try and take steps towards accepting it as you have suggested, how could I do that? As for what I thought to be withdrawal symptoms, since trying to quit porn of this fetish I feel like my energy has dropped and my sleep as been worse. I've also been feeling more anxious and tightness in some muscles (chest and back mostly). I've also noticed a strong feeling in my chest whenever I think about this fetish (as if I'm subconsciously trying to suppress those thoughts, but I feel it in my chest).

I want to believe that there's no such thing as withdrawals from porn as you've said but it's kind of hard with all the stuff I've seen online about quitting porn because of the "negative impacts". How could I go about deconstructing this belief?

Thank you in advance, these posts are really helpful and in learning alot!

[Heather]

You're welcome. You know, changing a belief or approach just usually takes patience, repetition and time. It might also be that it helps to remind yourself that it's okay to be or for things to be weird or gross: lots of the animal kingdom, humans and our bodies very much included, are accurately described as weird, gross or both. Both of those things are just parts of being alive, I promise.

What you see online about quitting porn and withdrawal is not credible. If you want to share some of what you've read with me -- URLs -- I'm happy to walk you through some of it to show you where that kind of information is generally false. But you can also just do some of that yourself, if you like, by finding out more about what withdrawal is. The wiki on it is a good start: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drug_withdrawal

What you have been feeling sounds like a combination of depression, anxiety and stress to me, but only a healthcare provider could ultimately give you a diagnosis for what you've been feeling. It may also be psychosomatic: if you're feeling things you have read somewhere you will be feeling, it can happen that you ultimately convince your body to feel those things, even if you don't mean to. What do you usually do to manage stress and anxiety when you experience them? If you've been depressed or grieving before, what have you done in the past that's worked for you to manage those?

[lilikoi]

Hi vilumm! Hope it's okay to jump into the conversation!

To answer your question about how to accomplish self-acceptance, there are a number of options. Therapy can help by investigating shame and encouraging self-acceptance. (It sounds like therapy could be a useful stepping stone in many ways!) You can consume sex-positive information in the form of books, podcasts, or articles online to help destigmatize the many flavors of sexual arousal. Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown and The Body is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor are some of my favorites. Another option is to talk about your desires with other people. This method works best if you know you will be well received. You do not want to share a vulnerable part of yourself only to have it be ridiculed by a sex-negative perspective.

Since you've been vulnerable here with us, hopefully, even though we don't know each other, you can read my words and feel a little less alone! When I feel self-conscious about my desire, I like to remember that pleasure and arousal are not experiences that we get to choose for ourselves. They can have little rhyme or reason. But they help bring us closer to other people and make us human. I'll be honest, the idea that my brain wants to exchange fluids with a partner or wants another person's body on my body kinda weirds me out sometimes but that's just my brain being human. Like Heather says, it's just a reminder that we are part of the animal kingdom. But, if it makes me feel good, enhances my life without hindering anything, and I do it with consent from everyone involved, my rule is to lean into the good feeling. It takes some mental effort but it's been worth it so far!

[vilumm]

Thanks for the reply again heather. And well, aside from this fetish stuff, I have been a bit more stressed as off late, that could have contributed. I've used journaling in the past to help me through periods of depression and I found it to be very helpful, perhaps journaling about my sexuality and these fantasies could also help me understand and accept it some more?

I'll also try learning and getting a better understanding of withdrawal actually is as you've suggested. Most of what I've read online about quitting porn and withdrawals definitely planted the idea of those symptoms in my mind now that I think about it... the muscle tightness and everything.

[lilikoi]

Journaling sounds like a great idea! Let us know if the self-reflection leads to any new ideas or questions that we can help with! This article has some good questions for relfection: How To Actually Date Yourself