Still feel anxiety and I don't know what to do anymore

[coffeebeans]

I know I not supposed to label myself right now. But know I'm feeling anxious and I need help??

I don't know what to to anymore. I'm just scared and I used to be excited when I was questioning my sexuality but I still feel anxiety and my tummy hurts.

I wish I could talk to someone about it but I can't because I don't think anyone would understand how I'm feeling right now. My parents will think I'm making a big deal over nothing and I don't know what else to do. I want to think about being in a relationship with the same sex without feeling anxiety.

[char]

Hi coffeebeans. I'm so sorry that you're currently feeling anxious. Just to be clear, what kind of help can we offer you to make you feel less anxious? Is there anything that prompted this feeling?

Know that we can't help with mental health issues, but we do have a list of resources that you can check out: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

[coffeebeans]

I want to enjoy f/f media again but I get anxious about it. And I try to attach myself to a character but I really don't feel like I have space to enjoy stuff anymore. I feel like I'm being watched. Never felt that way for anything else I watch but now I don't think I could enjoy it anymore.

And I used to think about being in a relationship with a woman and sure I was anxious it wasn't as bad as now and I still liked it.

I like pretending I'm a different gender or at least at little gender non conforming and it makes me feel better when I'm thinking about being in a relationship with someone. I don't think I feel comfortable anymore and I can't do anything about it.

Happy pride and sorry about that

[Heather]

Happy pride to you, coffeebeans.

How about we talk about what exactly you think you're feeling scared of? Where do you think this anxiety is coming from, and what do you think these fears are based in?

[coffeebeans]

I think it because I still feel uncomfortable with myself and my thoughts maybe. I can't find a job and my parents wouldn't let me work so I can't really go anywhere if I wanted to. Plus they would worry if I go away from home for to long. Do I can't really say I could go to pride (it's a night event) to meet other people.

I feel like if I was finally able to go out and meet people it wouldn't be what I expected. Like what if my feelings somehow changed and I don't actually feel the way that I do? I don't really want my feelings to be "a phase" but I really wouldn't know what I like or want if I don't go out for experience.
I feel like I'm running out of time in figuring myself out and I don't have anyone to talk to about it because I rely on my parents so much I'm scared they kick me out. When I told my mom about someone being kick out of their home because they're parents found out they were trans she said she feels like children who queer or trans would have to keep whatever they feel to themselves.

Maybe it would be better if they did kick me out so I finally learn how to fend for myself idk. When I talked to people my age they just told me what I feel was just a phase or it probably because of trauma but idk anymore.

[Heather]

Well, I can certainly understand how you're feeling given all of that. It makes sense to me that you'd feel pretty overwhelmed, anxious and fearful with all of that in your head.

You're talking about some things that are actually happening, and present real issues, and some other things that are projected fears, not things that are actually happening. And, looking at most of those, I suspect most of that won't be what does happen, while some of it could, but would probably feel different for you than you image, or be less devastating than you imagine.

Are you open to my talking about that latter group, the things not actually happening, with the aim of helping avail you of some stress and fear around those things?

[coffeebeans]

I think I'm open to talking about the latter group if it'll help? Can you please

[Heather]

Happy to.

I feel like if I was finally able to go out and meet people it wouldn't be what I expected. Like what if my feelings somehow changed and I don't actually feel the way that I do? I don't really want my feelings to be "a phase" but I really wouldn't know what I like or want if I don't go out for experience.

It may well be that when you start meeting people it won't be what you expect, in a lot of ways, probably in some you're thinking of and in others that aren't on your radar or otherwise part of your expectations.

But in my experience, self-discovery, in particular learning things about what we want and what we don't, tends to be more positive than negative for people, because it makes us within closer reach of creating or finding what we want. By all means, if and when we learn things that contradict something we wanted to be, we can need to make some uncomfortable adjustments sometimes, but that's okay. Those usually are things we can all handle.

I also want to remind you that human sexuality tends to always be shifting, changing and evolving over a lifetime -- when people let it, anyway -- and so honestly, all of our sexualities are always in a phase one way or another. Phases, when they exist, don't make the place we were in before any less valid or relevant than the place we're in next. For example, just because you're a young person now doesn't make the phases you were in up to now -- infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, etc -- any less real or impactful. Can it be hard to move from one phase to another sometimes, and might we have grief about it sometimes? Yep and yep. But if and when that ever happens to you, be it about your sexual identity or something else, you have the capacity to experience that change and any grief around it, process it, honor the whole thing, and keep living your life, you know?

That said, I think that people telling you your bisexuality is a phase have really gotten into your head. If you feel it, I think you can trust that that's because it's there. Other people can't and won't ever know better than you when it comes to yourself. You're the expert of you.

I feel like I'm running out of time in figuring myself out and I don't have anyone to talk to about it because I rely on my parents so much I'm scared they kick me out.

There's not only no timetable on figuring yourself out, that's literally a lifelong process for everyone, and that includes when it comes to sexuality. There's no "too late" starting on any of this -- throughout history, so, so many people have only even realized they were queer or trans decades later than the age you are now. You can't run out of time for this because your whole life is the time you have for this. It might help to know, too, that a lot of people won't ever feel like they totally know for sure what their sexual identity is, or what its whole shape looks like. Again, that's largely because this is something we're all learning through all of life -- heck, even as someone who was very precocious, and earlier than most people when it came to things like dating and sex and sexuality, and who is a sex educator themselves -- I'm still learning things about myself in this arena all the time, and I'm in my 50s.

I also want to make sure you know that most folks your age these days are in a similar place you are -- not entirely sure about a lot to do with their sexuality, and often with little to no life experience exploring it with other people. You're not behind in this, I absolutely promise you.

That said, I hear that living at home with your parents is something that's both really limiting you, and making you feel very fearful about all of this. Would you like to talk some about your living situation and see if it isn't possible to at least start planning to make a change so you can live independently in time?