Romance media, gender, and sexuality.

[LopezMonty]

I don’t think it’s uncommon for people to discover parts of themselves through the media they consume. I don’t think it’s unusual for sexual discovery to come from watching porn or reading smutty writing.

I’ve become very annoyed by the double standards that people have around queer people when it comes to these things. No one interrogates a cishet man for discovering his heterosexuality through porn. But since I’m transmasc, I must be a fetishist if I discovered my homosexuality through BL. I must not be trans enough if my transition goals are to look like an androgynous BL character. My interests, and even the ways I experience sexuality are constantly labeled as female. Because I like reading porn over watching it. Because I find emotional connection to be sexy. I never perform sexual masculinity correctly because I’m trans, but I don’t perform any kind of femininity correctly because I’m “too much of a man”.
I’m probably some kind of nonbinary, which makes everything more complicated.

Despite this, I’ve found a variety of romance media to be useful. But also comforting and painful at the same time. My queer awakening was a show called Yuri on Ice, which I didn’t even know was queer. I realized the variety in my attraction to men through BL manga, Danmei novels, and shows like Heated Rivalry. And gay porn. I have to admit that.
Interestingly enough, I keep thinking about a game called The Arcana. I played it when I was just realizing I was trans, and I adored this character named Asra. For years, I thought Asra was a man, but when I found out they were nonbinary, I somehow became even more attracted to them than before.
My favorite romance games are the ones where I can be nonbinary, and where I can pick whatever presentation and pronouns I want. And the characters I end up attracted to the most are usually also nonbinary or some kind of gender fluid.

However, while romance media feels like a lifeline for me, it also feels like that lifeline is slowly choking me to death. As if romance is only possible for me in fiction, not in reality.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for, here. How do I overcome these feelings? How do people open themselves up to romance in real life? How is anybody sex positive?! Everything seems to fill me with shame.

[Becky]

Hey LopezMonty!

I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with feelings of shame. Before I jump into a response, I have a few questions if that's ok.

Why do you feel that the media you enjoy is choking you and that romance is only possible for you in fiction?

Do you think that you currently act in ways that indicate that you're not open to romance in real life?

What do you think being "sex positive" means?