Romance media, gender, and sexuality.

[LopezMonty]

I don’t think it’s uncommon for people to discover parts of themselves through the media they consume. I don’t think it’s unusual for sexual discovery to come from watching porn or reading smutty writing.

I’ve become very annoyed by the double standards that people have around queer people when it comes to these things. No one interrogates a cishet man for discovering his heterosexuality through porn. But since I’m transmasc, I must be a fetishist if I discovered my homosexuality through BL. I must not be trans enough if my transition goals are to look like an androgynous BL character. My interests, and even the ways I experience sexuality are constantly labeled as female. Because I like reading porn over watching it. Because I find emotional connection to be sexy. I never perform sexual masculinity correctly because I’m trans, but I don’t perform any kind of femininity correctly because I’m “too much of a man”.
I’m probably some kind of nonbinary, which makes everything more complicated.

Despite this, I’ve found a variety of romance media to be useful. But also comforting and painful at the same time. My queer awakening was a show called Yuri on Ice, which I didn’t even know was queer. I realized the variety in my attraction to men through BL manga, Danmei novels, and shows like Heated Rivalry. And gay porn. I have to admit that.
Interestingly enough, I keep thinking about a game called The Arcana. I played it when I was just realizing I was trans, and I adored this character named Asra. For years, I thought Asra was a man, but when I found out they were nonbinary, I somehow became even more attracted to them than before.
My favorite romance games are the ones where I can be nonbinary, and where I can pick whatever presentation and pronouns I want. And the characters I end up attracted to the most are usually also nonbinary or some kind of gender fluid.

However, while romance media feels like a lifeline for me, it also feels like that lifeline is slowly choking me to death. As if romance is only possible for me in fiction, not in reality.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for, here. How do I overcome these feelings? How do people open themselves up to romance in real life? How is anybody sex positive?! Everything seems to fill me with shame.

[Becky]

Hey LopezMonty!

I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with feelings of shame. Before I jump into a response, I have a few questions if that's ok.

Why do you feel that the media you enjoy is choking you and that romance is only possible for you in fiction?

Do you think that you currently act in ways that indicate that you're not open to romance in real life?

What do you think being "sex positive" means?

[LopezMonty]

1. Romance media, to me, feels like a lot of other people and works of art do: an aspiration or dream, one that will never come true. I don’t exactly know how to describe my reasons for feeling like my dreams won’t come true. Logically, I know that’s not true, but I can’t convince myself of that emotionally. I guess if I had reasons, I’d say because I’m trans and neurodivergent. The whole not belonging among other people for one reason or another.

2. I think I act unapproachable. I’ve had multiple people tell me that, before getting to know me, I gave off the impression of someone who would eventually snap and hurt someone. Though, that was years ago when I was significantly more depressed than I am now. I’m not very social, though that’s a mix of natural introversion and unnatural fear of rejection. Like with most other relationships, I feel like I’m not open to romance because I feel like I’ll mess it up.

3. I think being sex positive, at the most basic level, is not feeling shame around sex and sexuality. Being open to it and open to yourself and others in that way, however you feel comfortable. Accepting sex as something that you can enjoy without guilt.

[Becky]

1. I can understand why you feel that way. And you're right, romance media like movies, books, and TV Shows are portraying a super idyllic, extra magical, butterflies in the stomach all of the time, everything just works out! type of romance. Which, as I'm sure you've realized, isn't usually how real life is...

But just because real life isn't always as magical as the movies (although it can be!) I don't believe that means you'll never experience an exciting and deep romantic relationship. If a romantic relationship is something you want to experience I am so, so confident you can make that happen.

What might your life look like if you started living it like a romance novel? How would you show up for yourself? How would you interact with other people? What small moments of magic and connection might you notice in your every day?

As for being trans and neurodivergent, I understand why these are barriers. There's still a lot of stigma around and bias against trans and gender non-conforming people as well as neurodivergence. I think the best advice I can give here is to find people who understand you and your lived experience. There are a lot of trans people out there who are t4t (trans for trans) meaning they are primarily interested in forming romantic (and sometimes even platonic) relationships with other trans people as a form of solidarity and also to be with people who understand their lived experience.

Either way, just getting to know more trans and neurodivergent people will allow you to see people like you in happy relationships and give you a community to talk about the difficulties of dating with.


2. I totally get this. I'm a pretty introverted person myself and it often feels like the world is set up for extraverted people. And it's not unnatural to fear rejection. I think that's a very normal human experience. We crave community and socialization, it makes sense that rejection would be scary.

I can also tell you that EVERYONE is scared of "messing up" when dating and making friends. None of us are really taught how to form relationships, especially as we move into adulthood and we lose access to spaces like school where friendships seem to form just because you're in close proximity to each other.

What comes up for you if you ask yourself "what is the worst that could happen if I'm rejected by somebody?"

Because the reality is, we cannot form relationships with others (romantic or otherwise) without putting ourselves out into the world and being vulnerable. And being vulnerable is scary because it opens yourself up to being hurt. So a lot of us avoid it altogether because that's easier and less scary.

The most important thing I think you can do, is be your own best friend and best lover first. I think it's really important that you recognize that you are a whole and complete person all by yourself and that you'll be there for yourself even when things get hard.

10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)


3. I think this is a pretty decent definition of sex positivity! However, I think sex positivity is a journey as well. Sex positivity is learning that sex is not an inherently negative thing (like a lot of puritanical/religious organizations would have us believe). But it's also accepting that sex is complicated and comes with complicated feelings. It's understanding that sometimes you won't feel excited about sex or won't even desire sex for a plethora of reasons.

Part of your sex positivity journey may be accepting and unlearning the shame that you feel. And that isn't going to go away overnight. It's something you have to choose for yourself and practice over and over again.

Whenever you catch yourself shaming yourself for enjoying sexual content or simply being a human with sexual desires (which btw, pretty much everyone has on some level) just pause for a second. Ask yourself, "where is that shame coming from?" and then remind yourself that you've been taught to feel shame around sex. It is not inherent to who you are as a person. Tell yourself, "this isn't true. I'm not a bad person for desiring these things."

And yes. You will have to do that over and over and over again.

I've worked through a college degree and a master's degree focused on sexuality and I STILL have judgmental and negative thoughts about sex sometimes. Because those biases and conditioning runs deep.

What matters is that you correct yourself. Usually the first, instinctual thought you have about something is the way you've been conditioned to think. The second thought is what you truly believe and how you want to actually perceive the world.

A Sexual Miseducation

Do you think it would be helpful to maybe reframe sex positivity as sex neutrality? You don't have to feel shame or negatively about sex but you also don't have to feel excited and positive about it either. It can just be.

[LopezMonty]

I do think framing it as sex neutrality would be helpful.

Thank you. Your response really has made me feel better about this.

[LopezMonty]

I think A Sexual Miseducation was helpful, but also not?

Being trans makes everything so complicated. I wasn’t raised religious, but even then, since I was a “girl” I was still taught that my wishes and desires meant nothing.
Even now, even if people view me as “a man” (again, I’m more enby than anything), I’m still not a “normal man”. And someone who’s abnormal doesn’t have desires that matter either.
Sex scares me. Since I experience so much dysphoria, I can’t even imagine it being a positive thing. Everything, from sex itself to sexual health to the doctors who oversee it to the partners I’d like to have, it all hurts me to think about.

As much as I want to escape it, I have a female body. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to remove my reproductive system by my 30s, but that probably won’t happen. Seeking sexual healthcare means admitting that I’m “broken”, or just pretending to be a woman. Some doctors would even refuse to see me if I undergo testosterone therapy.

All of the advice doesn’t apply, because I’m not a woman. But I was also raised to be one, so the messaging was the same.
I wish I was attracted to women. Though, that probably wouldn’t help.
Everyone seems to be disgusted by me equally.

But at least women pay attention to what their partner wants.

[Anya]

Hey LopezMonty,

This is totally understandable. It is really difficult to believe so much in yourself that you develop an identity solid enough to withstand other's opinions of you, especially when they contradict what you feel so deeply. It can also be incredibly frustrating to wait for things like the ability to take Testosterone or remove dysphoric body parts. You are definitely not alone in this feeling.

I wonder why you say doctors wouldn't see you if you're taking Testosterone? Do you mean you're afraid that you'll be turned away for a hysterectomy if they know you're taking T? This, from my knowledge should not impact your ability to remove your reproductive system, but do you know conflicting information?

I also want to challenge this belief that visiting a doctor or seeking sexual healthcare means you're "broken." From our perspective, seeking the healthcare you need has nothing to do with your worth as a human and certainly does not mean there is anything wrong with you. I know it's hard to actually believe that, but know that from our perspective at least, this is what's true to us.

I'm sorry you feel unappealing to others, it can be very difficult to see yourself from any point of view other than your own. It is often said, you are your own worst critic, and I think that's true for many many people. Like Becky mentioned in terms of sex positivity (or neutrality as well) sometimes the best thing you can do is think critically about your own emotions without overanalyzing them. Like say, asking yourself "what might be the purpose of that thought I just had," and realizing that sometimes our brains try to protect us from the harm others might do, but in the process, do even more damage since we're doing the harm to ourselves first.

I think it might also not be serving you to think so binar-ily about "women" and "men's'' wants or tolerances when it comes to a partner. Everyone truly is different and there are men, women, and non-binary people who each will view a person differently, but in general I'd maybe say that's more to do with them as a person than the willingness of their gender conditioning, even though that of course plays a part.

I want to share a few other resources with you that might feel helpful. Let me know what you think of these, if there are parts that stick with you, or don't resonate at all.
T4T Sex and Feeling Euphoric
How To Develop A Body Trust When Trans; An Introduction