""Dating"" Advice for a 21 year old living at home

[RedThrowaway]

I say ""dating"" because it's not romantic dating, more like the sexual equivalent, as in "trying to find sexual partner(s)".

For context: I am a neurodivergent adult. I live with my family, and I don't yet have my driver's license. I have been exploring kink and sexuality alone for a while now (read: masturbating, getting myself sex toys, writing and reading smut, etc.), but I feel... idk, sexually lonely? I want to explore those things with other people. I don't want to do romance, and I don't want to do one night stands. I also am terrified of getting kidnapped by using dating sites or sites like Fetlife. Because I can't drive, I can only go to meetups/munches/etc. within walking distance (a few miles from my home). I don't know how to tell my family that I want to have sexual relationships without romance, especially ones with kink elements. Help. How do adults normally do this.

[Latha]

Hi there, RedThrowaway!

We'd be happy to help you think of ways to meet people. To start, I'd like to get a sense of what your resources and options are. Then we can figure out what you might share with your family. You may not need to tell them explicitly that you are having sex with the people you meet, let alone more details about your preferences.

Given that 1. you don't want a romantic relationship or one night stands, 2. you are concerned about safety with people you meet online, and 3. you live with family, I'm imagining that you want to develop an ongoing sexual relationship with someone, where you can get to know them before you do anything together and where you would feel safe going to their place to have sex. Is that right? Do you think you would be able to meet people at your place, instead?

I like the ideas you have so far, like looking for meetups/munches that are within walking distance. Have you been able to find such events? Too, making sure that you have a reliable way to get there and leave is a very important part of staying safe. Some more questions: Do you think you would feel okay walking in your community at all hours, or are there times you would need to avoid? Who would you call if you needed someone to pick you up? Is getting a cab a feasible option if you ever need it?

Going to spaces and events that are dedicated to helping people find sexual partners can definitely help, but socializing more in general spaces and getting to know people is also a good way to find people you would be compatible with. Do you think that could be an option for you?

[RedThrowaway]

Hi there, RedThrowaway!
Given that 1. you don't want a romantic relationship or one night stands, 2. you are concerned about safety with people you meet online, and 3. you live with family, I'm imagining that you want to develop an ongoing sexual relationship with someone, where you can get to know them before you do anything together and where you would feel safe going to their place to have sex. Is that right? Do you think you would be able to meet people at your place, instead?

Something like that, more or less. I think the easiest solution is a long term sexual relationship, but I'm not sure if it would be "getting to know someone platonically before getting to know them sexually" or "establishing at the beginning that this is sexual", if that makes sense. The latter sounds easier (because you can be upfront on interests without having to worry about coming out to someone you're close to and ruining a friendship because they think you're into weird stuff), but I don't know how easy it is in practice (most people are looking for friendship before romance before sex).

I like the ideas you have so far, like looking for meetups/munches that are within walking distance. Have you been able to find such events? Too, making sure that you have a reliable way to get there and leave is a very important part of staying safe. Some more questions: Do you think you would feel okay walking in your community at all hours, or are there times you would need to avoid? Who would you call if you needed someone to pick you up? Is getting a cab a feasible option if you ever need it?

One thing I'm realizing in my research is that there aren't many munches within walking distance before 6 PM, and that might be an issue walking around. I would probably be scared to call for a ride home after 7:30-8.

I've debated online alternatives, but I'm really scared to put myself out there. I know that blocking and ignoring is a thing, but I'm still worried about the dangers of online communication.

Going to spaces and events that are dedicated to helping people find sexual partners can definitely help, but socializing more in general spaces and getting to know people is also a good way to find people you would be compatible with. Do you think that could be an option for you?

Maybe? My biggest issues are 2. most of the socializing I do is transactional (ie talking to the cashier at the grocery store), and while I have a few friends, none of them are people I'm sexually interested in. I'm also scared about knowing someone in a general space and then proposing sex, for reasons I discussed above, and because I don't know how to propose sex without romance. Romance without sex seems easier for other people to comprehend, and confessing romantic feelings seems easier than confessing sexual feelings.