""Dating"" Advice for a 21 year old living at home

[RedThrowaway]

I say ""dating"" because it's not romantic dating, more like the sexual equivalent, as in "trying to find sexual partner(s)".

For context: I am a neurodivergent adult. I live with my family, and I don't yet have my driver's license. I have been exploring kink and sexuality alone for a while now (read: masturbating, getting myself sex toys, writing and reading smut, etc.), but I feel... idk, sexually lonely? I want to explore those things with other people. I don't want to do romance, and I don't want to do one night stands. I also am terrified of getting kidnapped by using dating sites or sites like Fetlife. Because I can't drive, I can only go to meetups/munches/etc. within walking distance (a few miles from my home). I don't know how to tell my family that I want to have sexual relationships without romance, especially ones with kink elements. Help. How do adults normally do this.

[Latha]

Hi there, RedThrowaway!

We'd be happy to help you think of ways to meet people. To start, I'd like to get a sense of what your resources and options are. Then we can figure out what you might share with your family. You may not need to tell them explicitly that you are having sex with the people you meet, let alone more details about your preferences.

Given that 1. you don't want a romantic relationship or one night stands, 2. you are concerned about safety with people you meet online, and 3. you live with family, I'm imagining that you want to develop an ongoing sexual relationship with someone, where you can get to know them before you do anything together and where you would feel safe going to their place to have sex. Is that right? Do you think you would be able to meet people at your place, instead?

I like the ideas you have so far, like looking for meetups/munches that are within walking distance. Have you been able to find such events? Too, making sure that you have a reliable way to get there and leave is a very important part of staying safe. Some more questions: Do you think you would feel okay walking in your community at all hours, or are there times you would need to avoid? Who would you call if you needed someone to pick you up? Is getting a cab a feasible option if you ever need it?

Going to spaces and events that are dedicated to helping people find sexual partners can definitely help, but socializing more in general spaces and getting to know people is also a good way to find people you would be compatible with. Do you think that could be an option for you?

[RedThrowaway]

Hi there, RedThrowaway!
Given that 1. you don't want a romantic relationship or one night stands, 2. you are concerned about safety with people you meet online, and 3. you live with family, I'm imagining that you want to develop an ongoing sexual relationship with someone, where you can get to know them before you do anything together and where you would feel safe going to their place to have sex. Is that right? Do you think you would be able to meet people at your place, instead?

Something like that, more or less. I think the easiest solution is a long term sexual relationship, but I'm not sure if it would be "getting to know someone platonically before getting to know them sexually" or "establishing at the beginning that this is sexual", if that makes sense. The latter sounds easier (because you can be upfront on interests without having to worry about coming out to someone you're close to and ruining a friendship because they think you're into weird stuff), but I don't know how easy it is in practice (most people are looking for friendship before romance before sex).

I like the ideas you have so far, like looking for meetups/munches that are within walking distance. Have you been able to find such events? Too, making sure that you have a reliable way to get there and leave is a very important part of staying safe. Some more questions: Do you think you would feel okay walking in your community at all hours, or are there times you would need to avoid? Who would you call if you needed someone to pick you up? Is getting a cab a feasible option if you ever need it?

One thing I'm realizing in my research is that there aren't many munches within walking distance before 6 PM, and that might be an issue walking around. I would probably be scared to call for a ride home after 7:30-8.

I've debated online alternatives, but I'm really scared to put myself out there. I know that blocking and ignoring is a thing, but I'm still worried about the dangers of online communication.

Going to spaces and events that are dedicated to helping people find sexual partners can definitely help, but socializing more in general spaces and getting to know people is also a good way to find people you would be compatible with. Do you think that could be an option for you?

Maybe? My biggest issues are 2. most of the socializing I do is transactional (ie talking to the cashier at the grocery store), and while I have a few friends, none of them are people I'm sexually interested in. I'm also scared about knowing someone in a general space and then proposing sex, for reasons I discussed above, and because I don't know how to propose sex without romance. Romance without sex seems easier for other people to comprehend, and confessing romantic feelings seems easier than confessing sexual feelings.

[Heather]

I think this is one of those things where there has been a real generational change over the last few decades; when I was coming up, the opposite was true. Far more people could understand sex without romance that vice-versa. So, let's see if I can't offer some things from that perspective that might help you out here.

I think that one thing to keep in mind is that sex without romance doesn't mean sex without care or even love, or sex without commitment, or sex without connection. What a lot of people call romantic feelings (there's actually no clear definition of this now, in part because historically, romance was not actually disconnected from sex, but also because what people call romance varies between people a lot) are actually feelings that we can and do experience with sexual connection or with platonic friends we're really into or excited about.

You might find that this article is helpful for you, even if all of it isn't applicable when it comes to what you're looking for or how you want to initiate sexual interactions or relationships: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex.

As noted in a few places in that piece, direct and clear communication can go a long way. For example, if you want to ask someone about exploring sex together, but neither a romantic framework or a one-night-stand feels like what you want, you can say that -- that you're ultimately looking for something primarily sex, and not romantic, but long-term, and is that something they might be interested in? You can also say that if you're going to explore sex with someone, a one-night stand is probably not what you want (I say probably, because honestly, you may find after being sexual with someone once, you don't want to be with them again, because not every sexual connection feels right, and sometimes we can only learn that after actually being sexual with someone, so locking yourself into something over time with someone before you even know being sexual with them feels good isn't likely a thing you want to do).

I don't actually think that online comms are dangerous so long as you protect your privacy. I really don't. We can talk about how to do that if you like, as well as how to meet people from online safely, but ultimately, especially when it comes to seeking sexual interactions and relationships in 2026, and all the more when anything like BDSM, impact play or role-play is involved, online will often be the difference between having a real dating pool and not having one, especially if and when in-person options like munches (which you will also often only find out about via online) aren't within reach for you. That said, it also seems like we can talk some about your idea that getting a ride at night is unsafe. or walking somewhere around dinnertime is. Again, I can't speak for where you live, but as someone who has lived and grown up in major cities, that's not my experience -- in reality, dangers exist at every hour of day, but so does safety, and there are ways to protect your safety at every time of day without limiting your life. <3