Late night/early morning gender realizations.

[ratherslowseal]

It is nearing 2 AM and I can't sleep in tomorrow, but it's running through my brain, so let's go.

I think I have come to the conclusion that my reluctance to identify with maleness stems more from dysphoria around not embodying the sexual characteristics of an endosex man rather than simply not being being male at all.

For a relatively long time (to my lifespan, that is), ever since I became self-conscious about it, I have been hesitant to refer to my attraction to men as gay or homosexual and instead just label it as queer. The more I consider it, the more I think that this choice isn't/wasn't actually an authentic reflection of the nature of my attraction, but rather a category that I was, in some way, forced or relegated into without knowing it.

I have internalized the idea that, because of my non-binary transition (i.e. I do not wish to have my sex characteristics wholly reflect that of an endosex man) and the fact that my gender is not exclusively male, that I am "not allowed" to inhabit the territory of being male and what comes with it. That it invalidates my attraction being towards the same (or, more similar than different) sex than I.

It is intertwined with the pressure put on trans men to feminize ourselves, to forgo certain paths or aspects of transition in order to minimize the physical markers of a masculine and/or male identity and make us more "desirable". I think part of me feels that I would not be wanted if I did not fit the mold of a small, skinny, androgynous/borderline tomboyish, white trans boy so well. But it's not really these qualities that I dislike, because they just happen to describe me, I just happen to physically align with a certain stereotype. It's that I feel like, because of these characteristics, I am placed into a script where my identity is only allowed to orbit manhood as opposed to inhabiting and passing over it as well. Where I can only be subordinate, as opposed to a partner on equal footing. Maybe a weird metaphor but I hope it gets the point across.

For a while now I've been going by both "they" and "he" pronouns, though most people only use "he", and I find the trend interesting but I don't mind it. I started to ask people to use "he" as well after I realized that it is a really effective way to get people to conceptualize my gender correctly. At a certain point I realized that most people truly do not know and do not realize the expansiveness of non-binary gender identities/experiences, so by only offering "they" I don't do myself any favors in communicating to other people that I am way closer to being a man than anything close to a woman. I have now realized that, similarly, describing myself only with neutral labels (or at least anything that doesn't specifically confirm maleness) feels... defensive? See the above paragraph. On the other hand, asserting maleness, or at least my proximity to it, feels proactive. It does not give people room for misinterpretation, except for not providing a complete picture on its own. Which is fine for strangers and most people.

I also have some thoughts about "they/he" versus "he/they". Maybe I'm thinking too hard but IDK. I just really wonder how most people interpret this difference in order. I feel like the most straightforward assumption is that the former is prioritized and taken to be more integral than the latter. Like with the former, it would seem more acceptable to basically exclusively use "they", but with the latter it would be acceptable to exclusively use "he" instead. But also, I highly doubt most people are gendering me based on my pronoun pin and are instead just reading me as male because I look like a little twink-y metalhead and I sound like a dude. Except when they misunderstand my name to be a feminine one which shares the first syllable. It only happens once in a while but I'm still figuring that one out. Maybe I just need to enunciate my words better.

Accepting the fact that I can be a man, or at least male in some way, feels very authentic, but also somewhat scary. It's new. It also brings up some friction, or, makes friction which already existed more undeniable. That being that my boyfriend is closeted. Very early into our relationship, before we were together really, he told his mother/parents that he had a date with me (mostly his mother. His dad is... somewhat emotionally checked out. I had never met a workaholic until then.) before I got the chance to have a conversation about if and how to disclose about the nature of our relationship and what gender his parents were under the assumption that I was. Unfortunately, that gender is Girl. So they are under the impression that I am his girlfriend. Totally heterosexual couple. Weird. He has tried to convey to them that I am non-binary but they do not really get that.

But, the thing is, I do not really want to be non-binary to most people, it is so much easier for me to just be a guy if the other person in question is not going to understand the expansiveness or nuances of being non-binary that allow for me to inhabit that and also be close to maleness. It is really easy to still be misgendered if I am conveyed as just being non-binary/neutral because it doesn't confirm a male identity that my voice, dress (I will usually purposefully present as masculine to do this, if I don't then I'll get misgendered more), and name already suggest. Also I just have a terrible hunch that most people view "non-binary" as "thing weird girls do" which is unhelpful and barely better than straight up being misgendered. I'm sure some people have a better experience with that though.

But, the thing is, if I am not going to be misgendered, then my identity has to explicitly contradict what his family (excluding his younger brother) believe me to be, that of basically a (albeit strangely gender non-conforming and deep-voiced with a man's name, lol) heterosexual woman. It would out him, or necessitate him coming out. Which is scary and uncomfortable. I mean, I was fucking terrified that my mother would have a bad reaction, I put it off for years, and I ended up with an extremely supportive parent. I can only imagine what it's like to consider coming out to a family with a religious/Catholic background. On the other hand, my discomfort and the invalidation of my identity is the other side to his comfort as someone believed to be straight.

I could possibly continue but I have only a little more than four hours of sleep time remaining.

[Latha]

Hi there, Ratherslowseal! I'm glad this is a space where you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts, and I hope you've been able to get some rest.

... Maybe a weird metaphor but I hope it gets the point across.

I wouldn't say that is a weird metaphor--it gets your point across well. All I can say is that I agree. You do not need to avoid androgyny or make your body or gender match those of the most unambiguously 'masculine' endosex men. Manhood and homosexuality/gayness are yours to claim if you want them--not conditionally, not as a subordinate, but as an equal. Congratulations on coming to this understanding of yourself, and for advocating for yourself with other people! Strategizing to make people gender you correctly can really be challenging because people do have so many different unhelpful ideas about the subject.

if I am not going to be misgendered, then my identity has to explicitly contradict what his family (excluding his younger brother) believe me to be, that of basically a (albeit strangely gender non-conforming and deep-voiced with a man's name, lol) heterosexual woman. It would out him, or necessitate him coming out.

I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend's parents have been misgendering you, and that they might not be at all supportive if he came out. If I may ask, have you had the chance recently to talk to your boyfriend about the discrepancy between who your are and the way his parents see you? Have you had a conversation about how much he is comfortable taking a stand with his parents, and what realistically might happen if he does?

Is your boyfriend closeted to people other than his parents? Would acknowledgement and recognition from other people and places in his life make you feel more validated about your identity and relationship?

[ratherslowseal]

We've talked about it a couple times, and I brought it up again when we called earlier this evening. He's not comfortable talking to them about it on his own, which I understand because I'm certainly not either, although I don't know them half as well as he does, so he has that advantage over me. We intend to talk to his parents (or more likely just his mom) together, in some kind of low-stakes environment, although I have to rely on him to help figure out when and where that would be. It might be another month before we have a decent opportunity.

We expect at minimum a bit of friction. And, if there's a lot and they present literally no chance of getting over themselves and accepting someone who their son cares a lot about, then I guess they just don't get to see me anymore and could just miss out on a relatively significant portion of their son's life. And I don't really want to cut them out of that possibility. I cannot imagine doing that to myself, if I were them.

My biggest fear with this is that they're going to ask questions that I have a hard time answering because I just have a wildly different worldview and philosophy than them, especially as it pertains to this subject. Earlier I explained to my boyfriend that, even though I am non-binary, I don't really want his family (including his extended family, though apparently his maternal grandmother actually took it pretty well) knowing me as such, because it leaves too much room for misinterpretation with no progress towards being gendered and viewed more accurately. He told me that he's pretty sure telling his parents I'm a guy will go even worse, but that pretty much just confirms that they wouldn't respect my non-binary identity, either, it would just be viewed less "offensively" since that means I'm not denying my so-called "biological sex" or whatever.

Back to the topic, if they ask me why I think I'm a boy or how I can be one... I just am? Who cares if I don't have a natal penis or whatever they think is a determinant of maleness? But I can't tell them "Sorry, this is a reductive and bioessentialist assertion which neglects the historical-economic development of the gender binary, the consequent qualities transferred onto either gender, and an individual's unique relationship to gender roles, presentation, and their sexed/gendered body parts and functions as conditioned by the time and place in which they live." But I also loathe the idea of doing Trans 101, I'd rather be doing, like, Trans post-grad.

Maybe it's more accessible and accurate to say that I was born one way and assumed to conform to that gender, but doing so feels deeply wrong and I feel most authentic when I can present myself as a guy and change myself to reflect that. But that also invites other questions, like if they question the idea that I present myself as male because I have long hair and dress vaguely "alternatively" (even though it's seeing men with long hair and presentations which are simultaneously masculine and expressive that has made me so confident and comfortable with myself since exploring black + death metal).

I'm just scared I'm going to fumble answering something and look stupid or that I don't have an answer, even though it's more likely because I'll struggle to articulate the truth in words that meet them where they're at.

My boyfriend is closeted to his family (for now, I don't think he anticipates that lasting a whole lot longer), except his younger brother. Unfortunately there aren't a whole lot of spaces or other people I am at/around with him due to my schedule, but once the fall semester begins and we're both back in school, that is another accepting space. I'm not seeking validation from his parents, though, I just don't care about putting up with not being respected.

[char]

Hi ratherslowseal. Seconding what Latha said, I'm glad that you've discovered something about yourself. I'm also sorry that your boyfriend's family isn't the most accepting of the two of you, though.

I can understand how inconvenient and exhausting it can be having to explain your identity and relationship to others--educating others not only takes time but also physical and mental energy, especially if these people already have their own assumptions in regards to queer and trans folks. I think you understand that you don't have to explain everything with 100% accuracy to others, but at the same time, the misconception can be upsetting too.

While I don't think we can predict when your boyfriend's family would ask you stuff about your identity, it does sound like you and your boyfriend understand how his parents would react if he told them you're a guy versus if he said you're a nonbinary person. If you don't feel like explaining Trans 101 to them, what do you think of... gauging their understanding of gender if the occasion allows for it? You don't have to ask them directly, but you can observe their attitude towards news related to trans folks, for example. If they show curiosity and empathy, you can start talking about gender little by little--maybe redirect them to resources about trans folks as well if you don't feel like explaining too much.

We expect at minimum a bit of friction. And, if there's a lot and they present literally no chance of getting over themselves and accepting someone who their son cares a lot about, then I guess they just don't get to see me anymore and could just miss out on a relatively significant portion of their son's life. And I don't really want to cut them out of that possibility. I cannot imagine doing that to myself, if I were them.

You're on point with this--parents should be supportive of their children's relationships. But if that were the case, I think it says more about them than you; they refuse to welcome you into their lives, which is their loss for refusing to be curious about the different walks of life and showing compassion to those that aren't like them. Regardless of the outcome, I do hope you and your boyfriend are always safe. ;;

[ratherslowseal]

I want to thank you both for the understanding and support.

I'm not really sure if I'd ever get the opportunity to bring up anything from recent news related to trans people. I already do not talk to his parents that much, because most of the time when I am at his house it is after I get out of work so it's like 9 PM or later, also due to the fact that I just don't know how to talk to them. I also don't know anything about celebrity news, which is usually brought up as an example, since it's more humanizing I suppose? I don't think bringing up how awesome it is that testosterone was removed from the controlled and monitored substances list in Illinois out of the blue would be a very good conversation starter.

Also, maybe I am misunderstanding the intention of your suggestion (as in, what purposes doing the above would serve me), but his parents already know that I am non-binary. My boyfriend has always referred to me appropriately and at some point early on clarified that, because his mother's response to him sharing that he was going on a date with me was confusion around why he would want to date "someone who doesn't know what gender they are". They just continue to misgender me, at least after meeting me in-person. Which comes across to me like they are intentionally being... obtuse? about it, since I pass maybe a good 80% of the time in any other context. I was literally gendered correctly by some stranger middle aged man last week while I was with my boyfriend, his little brother, and his mom.

Also, I am very sorry if I am repeating myself at this point. Maybe I'm not, but it sure feels like it.

[Heather]

I hate it when the people we know do a worse job with our gender than people we don't. It just feels so crummy.

Before I say anything else, have you corrected them yourself about their gender, maybe including saying something about how being misgendered makes you feel? It doesn't sound like it, but in case I'm missing something, if you have done that, how did that go?

I do want to remind you that you get to have whatever boundaries you want with whoever you want them with. For example, we can correct someone who misgenders us, but decline to answer any or even all questions they might ask about us or our gender, too. For example, "My pronouns are they/he, and probably like it does for you, it feels bad to me to be misgendered, so I'd appreciate it if you could try and use the right words for me, thank you." If that's followed by any or a bunch of questions you don't want to answer for any reason, you could reply with something like, "I appreciate that you're curious and want to know more, but I'm not comfortable answering those questions with you right now." Get what I mean? Does that feel like something you feel like you'd be able to do for yourself?

It sounds like a whole big conversation with them would be way too much too soon for you. Trying to find an in-road for that big talk also feels daunting. On the other hand, they are presenting you with a wide open opportunity to at least start by asking them to gender you correctly when they misgender you, which seems to me like the easiest place to start. What do you think?