can't feel anything~

[acearohanda]

i am afab. but i feel nothing. i can orgasm through direct stimulation (clit, vaginal penetration, entrance stimulation, anal sometimes. you can assume solo.) i dont feel anything beforehand like clit stimulation just feels like I'm rubbing anywhere, vag penetration will either be nothing or a stinging (literally my ass takes less prep than my boypussy.) orgasm feels okay for the 2 seconds it lasts. no feel good feelings after.

looked on oh joy sex toy and main scarleteen and basically all of it is I USED TO LOVE SEX. but i never have felt anything. there was one article on scarleteen that sounded more like my experience but it boiled down to "bro get aroused" which like. lol. lmao even. I've never been aroused in my life. never been wet. i dont think i even have a libido. even when i was on testosterone shortly, nothing (bc yknow as my doc said 0x2 is still 0.) I've checked my labs and hormones. this has been 20+ years (there wasnt anything before that, i was just prepubescent.) I've been on meds, ive been on no meds. no change. and these things preceded the unpleasant sexual experience I have had.

i want to feel good i want to enjoy sex and masturbation I'd love to experience sex someday and it not just be a reminder I'm broken. like. i dont even feel like a human. or animal for that matter. and this is not like I'm repressed and shameful about sex. my autistic special interest is fictional gay porn. i am ashamed of not having libido/arousal/pleasure I'm ashamed of not having what seems to be a pretty universal mammalian experience. but I look all over and no one seems to have experienced this complete lack of all of it and everyone just acts like "well if you never had it it's not like you're missing it".

[mikky]

Hey acearohanda,

I see you came in with this a few years ago, and I don’t want to drag you through a similar conversation if it doesn’t feel helpful. Because this is not new, and because you haven’t connected with what you’ve found that is made for a general audience, I do think seeing a sex therapist is going to be a good next step. An individualized setting, with someone who has a lot of knowledge and acute experience in this field, seems like a better fit for you. You can look at folks who are licensed in your state here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/ther ... ex-therapy or through the AASECT directory here: https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory.

I would argue that arousal/sexual pleasure/libido not a universal human experience, and if you poke around the message boards and see what other folks bring here, it is an extremely wide and varied spectrum of relationships to pleasure, arousal, and libido. It isn’t what makes us human, or animal, and I can understand the pain of feeling inhuman. I am also sorry that people are minimizing your experiences and frustrations, and that when you are searching for other people like you, you’re feeling even more isolated and alone.
When you were here in 2023, it seems like we asked what does feel pleasurable in your life (sexual or non-sexual), and at the time, the answer was “nothing.” Is that still true?
What do you like about fictional gay sexual media?
What, if anything, do you see us as being able to help with?

[acearohanda]

oh i guess i did...

honestly I haven't seen anyone talk about having no sensation AND no libido/arousal that are upset about it. I've seen a sex therapist before but she just kept asking what arouses me or what touch feels pleasurable and telling me to explore those except when the answer is "nothing" what am i supposed to do with that.

yeah answer is still nothing. i havent felt joy (or anything really) in a decade. doctors and therapists are stumped on what to do bc treatment is always for too much feeling not nothing.

i mean i like my boys being in love and codependent and feeling stupid good. things I used to dream of. but special interest is basically just what i can tolerate doing at this point.

sorry it doesnt matter sorry i wasted your time because i forgot I'd already been here i should probably delete the thread.

[Heather]

I don't think you've wasted anyone's time. Just because you weren't able to solve for this in the past with advice we gave you then doesn't mean you wasted our time, it just means that either what we suggested didn't work or that you didn't feel like you wanted to try what we suggested (which would also mean the advice we gave you then obviously wasn't a fit for you).

I'm going to ask what may be an incredibly obvious question, but have you ever been evaluated for depression by any of these therapists?

I ask because usually, when someone is not able to access any joy or pleasure, and describes just feeling kind of flat, all around, for a long, long time like this, depression is one of the most common reasons why, and, if and when that is what's going on, it also -- usually -- is treatable. Depression is also one of the most common reasons people have some of the sexual issues you're reporting here.

[acearohanda]

i mean I've been passively suicidal since i was 11. but the no emotions has only been the past decade. and the sexual nothing has been my whole life.

i have tried every antidepressant. i have tried ketamine treatments. I've tried tms. nothing has helped. atp me and my therapist both agree the depression is a symptom not a diagnosis. and yknow I've known hundreds of depressed people and none of them have this complete numbness for such an extended time. its the other thing that makes me broken and inhuman. and every time i do mention it I usually end up wishing I'd just kept pretending to be normal bc being told its depression when it doesnt act like anyone else's depression and doesn't respond to me doing all the things for depression

no functioning sex things no emotions (which means no passions, memory issues, learning issues too!) like. I'm at best a high functioning corpse.

[sesmith]

Howdy, acearohanda! I've struggled with treatment-resistant depression and trying a huge range of therapeutic options and have some thoughts here. The first is that you aren't alone in this; lots of people have experienced severe depression like this, and it sucks, and opening up about it is the right thing to do. You may not have encountered people talking about experiences that feel similar to yours, but I assure you, they're out there.

I know others have told you this but I'll say it as well: Everybody (and body) experiences sensation differently, and society and pop culture send a lot of messaging about how we are 'supposed' to feel when aroused or experiencing pleasure, but how you, as an individual person, feel may not align with those. There's no right or wrong way to experience stimuli. BUT, if you haven't done so already, you might want to think about ways to switch things up a bit, like using lube, toys with different textures, and even wearing a glove, rather than going barehanded, to see if things feel different for you.

Third, while this feeling of dulled/absent sensation has been a lifelong issue, it sounds like your depression has been as well, and the first step here is that you gotta get to the bottom of the depression. It's really hard to be in your body, to experience sensation, to feel comfortable, when your brain is making you feel low, and I don't think you're going to resolve this without addressing the depression—I know you have been trying and haven't landed on the right modality yet, and have firsthand experience with how frustrating this is.

A few things to suggest: One, I think you need a new mental health provider, and I would recommend possibly a psychiatrist specifically. Although counselors and other kinds of therapists are great, an MD can have access to more options—you could even consider a neuropsychiatrist, who has even more experience with brain anatomy and physiology. You also need to talk to your primary care provider, or establish care somewhere to start that conversation. If your therapist told you that your depression was a symptom of something else but didn't offer followup suggestions, that's not good, and if you haven't been talking to your primary care provider about this or they're not taking it seriously, that's also not good.

Any number of things could be contributing to depression; you mentioned that you had some bloodwork done, but it's worth repeating and checking on a wider spectrum of levels, in addition to discussing whether you might have apnea or another underlying health issue. Your mental health provider and primary care provider should ideally collaborate with you, together, to share information and explore options. Mental and physical health very much interact with each other and can create feedback loops, and when you're in a very stuck place, it's important to figure out where the blockage is.

You may also find it helpful to poke around and see if there are support groups or online closed communities for people with treatment-resistant depression, especially fellow trans people, because you may be able to connect with people who are going through, or have experienced, what you're feeling. That helps with feeling less alone, and they may also have suggests and recommendations for clinicians who can help you out.

I'm only here for a brief window this week so other members of the Scarleteam will pick back up with you, but I'll try to check in and they'll flag responses from you to make sure I see them!