Crossing boundaries

[bricknmortar]

Hey yall.... I just had a really bad experience I want to get off my chest I feel very awful and ashamed. I was having sex with my partner, and for once I just felt like our communication was really bad, I had no idea what I wanted and we just kept.... going, getting rougher and rougher and now I feel unsatisfied and a little shaken. My partner isn't really telling me how they feel and I'm so ashamed I didn't tell them to stop, I don't feel like I was assaulted I just feel like I wasted our time, and its my fault for having sex in a bad headspace. Again I am so ashamed. I feel horribly alone and disgusting. Why did this happen. If I tell them will they be upset with me??

-Brick

[char]

Brick, I'm so sorry that the last sex you had was unpleasant. How are you feeling at the moment, and were there any updates from your partner about this after you posted?

It's completely understandable that you're upset about this too. There are times when sex--solo or partnered--doesn't go as expected, even if it's with people we like and find safe to be vulnerable with. Even if we were sure that everything went well initially. At the same time, there are things that are beyond our (including your partner) control that can influence our enjoyment and comfort, and it's okay not to be able to immediately name them.

How can we best help you?

[bricknmortar]

Hello, it's been overnight and I'm kinda just waiting for a response. My partner told me they felt paralyzed and needed some time to think about it before talking. I told them that I felt scared and I wish we'd stopped. Anyway. I just want it to be over, I want to forgive them and move on, but it's going to be a lot more painful and complicated than that.
-Brick

[amber]

Hi Brick,

I am so sorry you experienced that. I want to start by saying, no good partner should be upset with you for addressing your feelings after a sexual experience.

I am hearing that you've put a lot of blame on yourself for what happened. It sounds like your feelings about the situation are complicated and that is ok. You are not a bad person for having conflicted thoughts or feelings about a sexual experience. You also do not have to consider a moment assault for you to feel negatively about it.

I am sorry your partner is not being there for you in this difficult time. I think some self-care and relaxing would do some good. We actually have an article all about it here, Self-Care: A La Carte!

What do you think would be most helpful to you at this time?

[bricknmortar]

I'm not really sure. I'll read the self care thing, thank y'all for the resources.

-Brick HO

[amber]

Of course!

Not knowing is totally ok, If you think of anything we can do feel free to reach back out.

[bricknmortar]

Thank ya'll. I will say I was reading the list and felt a little stunned at 'masterbation' which has triggered some.. worrying feelings. Idk. Like I've been avoiding sex in any forms, I don't really want to think about it at all, but now i feel like. Curious and a little horny, but also very very afraid. I don't really know what I’m asking here I’m just. worried. Is this wrong?

-Brick HO

[amber]

Your feelings are not wrong. Like I said, having conflicting sentiments is not only ok but common.

The list is meant to give a general idea, some of which may not be the best for you at this time. Instead it may be more helpful to think about what you normally do to relax or release stress..?

You are still processing the experience, and you may figure out what you need, but giving yourself grace while you figure it out is important.

My shift ends soon, but I hope that this helps you think about what stress/anxiety relief could look like for you in the moment.