Death Grip

[Maximil]

I cant nut whenever I get a handjob, or a blowjob, but when I jack off myself I can nut, ive been reading that it might be death grip and it told me to stop masturbating for a week for the penis to regain its sensitivity, is that true? If not is there other ways to get me to be more sensitive

[Heather]

"Death grip" is not a medical or scientific term, but a colloquial one, and however you grip your penis during masturbation, you can't change how sensitive it is. Masturbation, unless there is literally an injury, can't change how the nerve endings in and around your penis operate, no matter how you do it.

I don't know who "it" is that told you things, but if you're getting sex education or information from a bot of any kind, or from somewhere random on the internet -- not from sex educators who both aren't trying to sell you something and who know what they're talking about -- but you only need to change how you masturbate if you want to.

You say you are looking for ways to feel more sensitive. Are you saying you aren't feeling the level of sensation you'd like to feel?

[Maximil]

I dont feel the level in sensation id like to feel, but i dont get how i can cum when im doing it myself, but when my gf does it i dont cum.

[KierC]

Hey Maximil,

You’re not alone in finding it more difficult to orgasm with a partner, and there’s a few reasons this can happen. Partnered sex can introduce more variables to a sexual interaction and, while it can be great, it can sometimes complicate your sexual response simply because there’s another person there. It can be easier to orgasm when you’re the one touching yourself and controlling how it feels. On top of that, sometimes when you’re in a sexual situation with another person, the nerves, anxiety, and even just the cognitive attention toward another person can make it harder to orgasm. I think of it in a similar way to when people say it’s harder to do something with someone watching you. Know what I mean?

Can you tell me a little more about what happens when you can’t orgasm with a partner? Are you experiencing pleasure just not orgasm, or is the whole experience a little less arousing? Too, do you feel relaxed and present during these interactions?

[Heather]

I do also want to add that you've had all the time -- years probably -- to practice what you're doing and learn your own body. Your girlfriend hasn't. It takes time to learn what a partner likes and how to do things the way it feels good to them, on top of the things Kier brought up. It also takes communication: have you talked with her about what feels good and doesn't, and maybe also showed her some of the ways you touch your penis to help her learn what you like?

[Maximil]

Ive talked to her about the things i like, but when she does it I dont really feel anything, i really wanna try to fix that tho.

[KierC]

Hey Maximil,

I hear that. It sounds like you’ve communicated what you like and she does it, but you still don’t feel the level of sensation. Can you tell me a little about how your mental state feels in these situations? Do you feel relaxed or do you tend to feel in your head/disconnected?

[Maximil]

Whenever she does it, my mind just goes blank, i dont think theres any pleasure on my face, and most of the times she doesnt wabt to do it because she doesnt make me cum.

[KierC]

Ah, I understand. This may have a lot to do with your mental state during sexual encounters. Do you typically do any foreplay with your girlfriend ti make sure you’re both aroused and wanting to be sexual?

[Maximil]

We usually makeout, and usually she gives me a hickey, then we get to it.

[Heather]

Good morning, Maximil.

It sounds like your girlfriend might be missing that anything and everything she's doing with you (just like you with her) should be something where the focus is shared pleasure, not just -- or at all -- doing things to help a partner experience orgasm or ejaculation.

I will also say this: you're young when it comes to having sexual relationships, and it may be that your partner doesn't fully understand that any kind of sex with a partner is usually something people only really enjoy when the focus is pleasure and connection, not orgasm. She may also not fully understand that she doesn't have to do anything sexual with you if she's not actually into it. Have you and your girlfriend talked about what she actually *enjoys* doing with you, and wants to do with you regardless of whether or not either of you experience orgasm?

[Maximil]

we are both 17, she enjoys me eating her out

[char]

Hey there! It's good that she's told you what she likes. When it comes to your mental state, aside from doing other activities to keep you both in the zone, would you say there are external factors that influence your ability to focus? Even if we've done such activities, it's not impossible that our focus is broken because of the heat or the underlying fear of getting caught, for example. Do you think that applies to you?

[Maximil]

It could be that my family yells alot, but my mind is usually blank when she does try to makr me cum

[amber]

Hi Maximil!

It sounds to me like the stress of trying to feel pleasure is blocking you from actually experiencing anything. There are a couple things I think may help.

Firstly, is your mind 'blank' when you masturbate? Are you thinking or fantasizing about things at all? It can be helpful to bring those desires and fantasy to your mind even during partnered sex.

I also think it could be helpful to take that pressure away from sex by focusing on your partner's pleasure. It also might be helpful to try mutual masturbation, or you and your partner touching yourselves while together. That may get you out of your head a bit and the lessen the stress of feeling good.

Does this give you what you need to solve your problem?

[Maximil]

Id say my mind is usually blank while masturbating, i always focus on her pleasure so I do her first, is there any other things that could be causing me to not cum?

[Heather]

You know, Maximil, I think this has gotten overcomplicated. I don't actually think it matters if you're spacing out or there isn't something specific in your head. It's common for people, during sex, to go into a fairly floaty state sometimes, and that includes in our heads. That's often part of the relaxation sex can involve, even.

I think, like I said a couple times in this post, you two are both young and new to each other. Those things combined will often mean people don't have a full range of sexual response together.

It often takes a couple -- of any age -- time to learn how to reach orgasm together: time to get comfortable with each other sexually, time to learn what feels best for each person, time to get good at communicating, including telling each other how you're feeling during any kind of sex, and responding to that feedback. That last part does really matter, by the way. For instance, if, given what you came in asking about, your partner's mouth doesn't feel like there's enough pressure there for you, you can ask for things like more pressure or the addition of her hand to the mix (or yours). Are you both asking each other how things feel as you go, letting each other know what feels good and doesn't even if you aren't asked, and then changing up what you each do based on that shared information?

If either of you are focusing on orgasm, instead of just focusing on what feels good to you both, that also will always be a barrier to orgasm. We all most often get to orgasm via pleasure and making pleasure -- feeling good on our own and together, enjoying the experience and each other -- the focal point, not orgasm.

Beyond all this, we're just not going to be able to tell you why you don't orgasm with your partner yet. People do and don't orgasm all the time, every day, and the why of both is both knowable and unknowable, and even the knowable parts are so, so diverse, we'd truly have to be right there in anyone's given experience to be able to say much more about why orgasm or any other part of sexual response did or didn't happen.

It does sound like it may be worth a conversation with your girlfriend about if the oral sex that's about your genitals is something she actually likes or enjoys, or if she thinks it's only something someone does to make orgasm happen. I say that because there are plenty of people out there, usually women, who feel like fellatio is something they have to do for any number of reasons, but who aren't actually enjoying themselves. There are also people, including women, who feel very differently, and when that's the case, there's often more exploring and experimenting going on because that's part of what makes it enjoyable for both people. It's also how people tend to learn how to engage in a given sexual activity on any given day in a way that feels good to them and their partner. If that process isn't happening, if this ever feels liek something your partner is phoning in, or is only laser-focused on orgasm with, it's probably worth checking that this is something she even likes doing, which is much more important than whether anyone reached orgasm or not. <3