So I *am* a boy...

[Masc_Cinderella]

I just keep feeling this deep longing, and I keep crying over it. I guess I am, in fact, a trans man, in the sense that its obvious and that I can't deny it anymore. But *not* in the sense where I actually truly feel like it. I still feel like nothing. Everything still feels so far away. And, honestly, it feels impossible. I want to believe that it is, that I can be a beautiful, pretty man. That I can go on T, deepen my voice, remove my facial, chest, and arm hair. That I can push through how black people are hypermasculinized and be a graceful, flowery gentleman. I'm moving out next week, so being in an environment where I can truly be a boy is in reach. But it feels like it doesn't matter, because everyone treats me like a doll, or a concept. And it feels like the closer I get to truly internalizing that I'm a boy, the more it feels like I'm going to die. Like its going to slam into me and my heart is going to stop. Like an anvil is waiting to fall on my head. Like the grief is going to become too much to bear and I'll pass out. I do want to try and believe that I'm a boy a little harder, and have all the faith in the world, but it feels like something horrible is going to happen.