So I *am* a boy...

[Masc_Cinderella]

I just keep feeling this deep longing, and I keep crying over it. I guess I am, in fact, a trans man, in the sense that its obvious and that I can't deny it anymore. But *not* in the sense where I actually truly feel like it. I still feel like nothing. Everything still feels so far away. And, honestly, it feels impossible. I want to believe that it is, that I can be a beautiful, pretty man. That I can go on T, deepen my voice, remove my facial, chest, and arm hair. That I can push through how black people are hypermasculinized and be a graceful, flowery gentleman. I'm moving out next week, so being in an environment where I can truly be a boy is in reach. But it feels like it doesn't matter, because everyone treats me like a doll, or a concept. And it feels like the closer I get to truly internalizing that I'm a boy, the more it feels like I'm going to die. Like its going to slam into me and my heart is going to stop. Like an anvil is waiting to fall on my head. Like the grief is going to become too much to bear and I'll pass out. I do want to try and believe that I'm a boy a little harder, and have all the faith in the world, but it feels like something horrible is going to happen.

[Latha]

Hi there, Masc_Cinderella.

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so scared and without hope, even as you accept that you are a trans man. I have a few questions I'd like to ask about what you've shared--I'm hoping that talking about them will help you find a way forward.

When you say that everyone treats you like a doll or a concept, it sounds like you don't feel heard, or like you have enough agency in your interactions with these people--is that correct? If I may ask, who is this everyone? Are there any specific behaviors/ways people treat you that particularly bother you?

When you describe your desires here, it sounds like you have both a pretty clear idea of what you want, and a good sense for where exactly you are not certain yet. With that kind of balanced clarity in your words, I'm curious about why you feel like becoming the person you want to be is impossible. Is it mainly about whether other people will recognize you for you who are, or something else?

Do you often struggle with the general sense that something horrible will happen? In my experience, having the support of a therapist can make it easier to learn to manage fears like that. Is therapy something you'd be interested in trying?

[Masc_Cinderella]

Thats right, I don't really feel like my opinions and wants matter. Its mainly with family and other boys around my age. It feels like they're trying to shape me into a confident, smart, sexy, yet loving and respectful young woman. And yes, while not blatantly and more so subtly in ways that I cannot perfectly describe, the sexy and family part goes hand in hand, but I won't go too in depth since I know this forum can't handle ongoing incest.
A nonincestuous example of this though is that my grandmother reallyyyyy wants me to be a chef, and keeps trying to matchmake me with this smart boy I played chess with once. While I do love cooking as a hobby, and I don’t have strong negative opinions towards this boy, I'd much rather create art and stories, and I'm far more into women. Maybe its my fault because I'm too scared to be upfront with her and tell her what I really want, but at the same time, she doesn't give me much wiggle room to do so. She has a lot of internalized misogyny going on, and while I don't want to say that I am a victim of misogyny because, well,, I’m a boy,, it *does* affect the way she treats me. Shes a "why don't you smile more? You'd look pretty" kind of person.
I actually don't really know why it feels like everything is going to end when I live my life as a boy. I have a hunch that I have some internalized gender essentialism going on, and that I may subconsciously think that ***everything*** about me and my experiences are going to change. But I know thats not true, so I'm really not sure. I'm moving out to college, actually, where there'll be therapy available and I think (really hoping for!!!) some prescriptions. I'm planning on seeing the options available for a therapist I trust and to get some mood stabilizers. I'm a little scared of the entire evaluation process because I'm black, and thats without a doubt going to affect how I get life saving treatment, if at all. But I want to try being brave and work towards a happier future

[Sofi]

I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling so much dread, that must be exhausting to carry constantly. You’re unfortunately right, race and ethnicity often play a role in the quality of medical treatment we get and it’s unfair. I do admire you for your courage to still pursue it. As a person of color myself I’ve encountered my own struggles with receiving proper physical and mental health support but I also keep having hope and working towards the kind of world I want to live in, and I think that’s a beautiful thing.

I also want to validate that in this situation you absolutely can be someone affected by your grandma’s internalized misogyny. It sounds like she has expectations of you that you know you don’t want to meet, which can be hard to accept, but is unfortunately pretty common in families. Ultimately, doing what feels most authentic to yourself is always going to be the best option, especially when we talk about career and who to date. Do you think it’s possible to just kind of go with what she says but still do what you want to do, or is she too involved in your life for that? In other words, are your only sensical options right now either to be a chef and date that boy or to tell her straight up you don’t want to do those things?

I do want to check in about your family dynamic and make sure you are safe. We can help find resources for you to reach out to if you need them, so please let me know. <3

[Masc_Cinderella]

Fortunately, I don't have to do anything she says. It hasn't gotten to the point where shes *forcing* me to do anything, but shes still pushy about it to the point where it upsets me .
I'm safe by the way, but resources would be nice. Sometimes my head gets twisted up and it feels like I'm 8 years old again, where my morals are easily influenced by those who have power over me. So anything that helps with grounding to reality and such would be wonderful...

[Latha]

Hi there, Masc_Cinderella

We can be glad that your grandmother isn't actively forcing you to do anything, but what is happening isn't great. Whether she intends it or not, she is pressuring you when she does not leave you enough space to express yourself, and when she does not listen. Your sense that you have to wait until you move out to truly be a boy doesn't come from nowhere--it sounds like it is grounded in your understanding of how your family would react if you did what makes you happy.

For grounding techniques, are the strategies listed in this resource useful? University of Memphis: Grounding Strategies

Can you identify where your morals, goals, and interests are different from those of your family? If you feel like you are having a hard time holding on to your own sense of what is right, I wonder if it would help to have something that reminds you of why you think the way you do-- like a notebook or document where you can list reasons why you have a certain moral stance, or where you can place things that remind you of what you want: videos/music/quotes/pictures etc. That way, when you are feeling unsure, you'll have things to help you recenter in one place.

My colleague Char was also thinking about whether it might help you to have ways to connect with and focus on gender euphoria and the positive possibilities of getting to move out, rather than on the things that make you feel afraid. Our resource on Gender Journaling might help with that.
(Also, if journaling feels awkward, simply venting on an empty notes app or discord channel works just as well.)