Friends, Benefits, and In-betweens

[Anand]

Hi, I'm Andy, and I've got a question about sex in relationships!

I've been getting closer to this friend, and I enjoy spending time with her. At first, we were just acquaintances because of our common friend groups, but now we're starting to spend more time with just the two of us. She's really awesome, and it's amazing to have another Queer friend. We're able to have conversations about everything, especially topics such as intimacy and erotic literature.

I really enjoy spending time with her, and I value her wholeheartedly as a person too! However, she is also my type, and I am very attracted to her. The thing is, I don't think we'd be compatible romantically; I believe our sexual preferences align. I'd really like to ask if we could be friends-with-benefits (FWB), but there are a few issues...

1) She's already interested in someone. She said it's something that isn't time-consuming, and she doesn't have plans to act on it. However, I still don't want to seem disrespectful of her own interests, just because I'm interested.

2) She is very friendly with me. Not in a flirty way, but in an "I like you just as a friend way. I understand this doesn't mean she might not be interested, but I don't want to assume either.

3) I'm a bit scared that what I'm asking might not be appropriate. I'm not scared of her reaction or what she might say, but more that I may make her uncomfortable by asking. We're both mature, and we both talk about sex. But is it ok for teenagers to be FWB, or is that something I should wait for when I'm older?

At the end of the day, I'd like to continue being her friend, whether we become FWBs or not. However, I'm not sure if I should even approach the topic or have this conversation in the first place.

I'd really like to hear another person's opinion on this!

Cheers,

Andy

[char]

Hey Andy! I'm glad that you got a friend who seems to be interested in you as a person and is also queer. It's no wonder that you're wondering about pursuing a friends with benefits (FWB) arrangement with her.

As you can read in this advice column about FWB, the best way to know if your friend is interested in adding physical intimacy into the two of you's relationship--which is what FWB is to a lot of folks--is to ask her. It doesn't need to be called an "FWB" if the name feels uncomfortable. People of all ages can definitely do this, provided that they understand the risks that come with having sex (not just physical, but also mental; and this also applies to anyone wanting to have sex, not just in a relationship model like this) and that their expectations are aligned. When discussing this with her, it's good to identify the kinds of activity you're comfortable and uncomfortable with beforehand. That way, you'll be more prepared in your offering. Have you been able to put your thoughts into that? Also, what are the things that worry you the most when it comes to getting in a sexual relationship?

I hope this should be easier for you to do, especially if this wouldn't be the first time you talked about sex with her. If she ended up saying no, at least you got that answer from actually talking to her about it, rather than only keeping it in mind.

[Anand]

Hello!

Thank you for the response!

When discussing this with her, it's good to identify the kinds of activity you're comfortable and uncomfortable with beforehand.

I know what I want and I have a brief idea of what she’d be interested in too. But that’s a good reminder, and I’ll make sure to include that in the conversation!

Also, what are the things that worry you the most when it comes to getting in a sexual relationship?

What I’m worried about is the fact that she has told me she has a crush on someone. Even though she said it wasn’t a large part of her life, I don’t want to ignore that part. Should I even bring this up if she’s already into someone? If I were to ask her about having an intimate relationship, should I acknowledge the crush?

An aspect I am thinking about is contracting an STI or herpes. Even if both partners have never been sexually intimate with each other or another person, I believe there’s still a risk with herpes since in can be contracted during childhood. (Do correct me if I’m wrong!)

However, I’ve been reading some of the articles here, and I believe I have the means of protection for oral and manual sex.

The only thing is, I don’t have access to lube. What can I use as lube if I don’t have regular lube?

Another aspect I am worried about is not disclosing my sex life with my parents. On one hand, I want to be more open with them about relationships and my health. We’ve been working on our communication, and not disclosing this feels like I’m going against them. On the other hand, like most teenagers, talking about sex is still an embarrassing subject. I’m still working on talking about Queer topics with them, but the big sex talk still feels daunting. Any advice?

I hope this wasn’t too convoluted! Thanks again for the response and I hope to talk to y’all soon!

Cheers,

Andy

[Anya]

Hey Andy,

I think it makes a lot of sense to feel conflicted about bringing up her crush or not. I will say, if she has told you she's not planning on acting on it, I think bringing it up isn't rude or overstepping. I think your best course of action would be to say something along the lines of what you've said here! Asking her if this is something she'd be interested in, and saying how you know she likes someone else and you don't want to diminish that, you just want to put this out there to see if its something she'd want to try. I think it's also a great idea to preface the ask by saying her answer, whatever it may be, doesn't change how much you still also want to be platonic friends with her.

On the topic of STIs it's great that this is something you're thinking critically about! If you're in the U.S. you can look into getting tested at a Planned Parenthood, or ask your doctor. If you don't have a doctor or aren't covered by insurance (which Planned Parenthood will ask you for unless you can pay out of pocket) you can look into local free health clinics. Usually there's a few in medium-sized cities so depending on where you live, that could be an option for you. You're right in thinking that STIs are not only contracted sexually, but can be in one's system since birth so its a good idea to get a full panel test when you're thinking about becoming sexually active. If you can't access an STI test at the moment, the next best thing to do is, like you said, use protection such as condoms. Condoms and lube can generally both be bought at any convenience or drug store without any age restriction. Getting real lube is gonna be better than any DIY alternative you can find, especially because of the risk of bacteria and other contaminants when using DIY lubes, so as best you can, i'd buy some at the store.

On the last point, talking to your parents. At the end of the day this is really up to you! It's fantastic that you're building a trusting relationship with them right now and want to talk to them about this, but I don't think you need to consider it "going against them" if you decide not to. I'm sure they'd love to know the things you're dealing with and potentially help you make the best decisions for your health, but its also okay to keep this to yourself until you do feel ready to tell them. They aren't going anywhere, take your time figuring it out for yourself and let them join you in that when you feel comfortable. How does that sound?

[Anand]

Hello!

I think it's also a great idea to preface the ask by saying her answer, whatever it may be, doesn't change how much you still also want to be platonic friends with her.

This is exactly what I wanted to get across! I think just being honest and having a direct conversation might be the best way to go with it instead of making a bunch of assumptions in my head of how the scenario can go!

I think I’ll check out my local health clinic/doctor’s office so I can get the proper supplies!

Thanks again for the response, this sounds great and I’m really glad there’s a resource like this for people to have!

Cheers,

Andy

[Anya]

Andy, we're so glad you asked for our help!

It sounds like you're off to a great start here and going about things in the best way we can hope for. Don't hesitate to reach out anytime for further support, advice, resources. We're here to help!