Guilt

[bigbywolf]

Heya. So my partner is kind and a good person and none of my emotions are a reflect of what he's done.
But whenever I get my period I feel immensely guilty that we cannot have sex (I know we can still have it, but I'm not comfortable with doing that). To the point where sometimes I want to tell him that I don't want to hang out with him on the day because I feel like I'd just be "useless". I know that's not the reality of the situation at all, but it's nonetheless how I feel. Also, due to me unexpectedly just getting my period, we're about to have the longest gap between sexual encounters (it'll be three weeks).
I don't know why but I feel terrified that this time alone is enough time for him to get bored. But I simultaneously know this isn't the reality. I wish my feelings weren't so extreme. I know three are other things I can do while not being able to do anything p in v, but that thought does little to make me feel any better.

[Mo]

That does sound pretty upsetting, and I'm sorry that these feelings of guilt are so strong.

Is this something you've talked to your boyfriend about in detail? I think that's a good place to start. You say that types of sex other than intercourse don't make you feel better about not having intercourse; is this because you don't enjoy them much? Or you think he doesn't? It may be helpful to lay out these feelings with him and talk about kinds of sex you both enjoy that might be comfortable for you both when you're having your period, and about ways you can both feel close & engaged with each other when you aren't being sexual, so you are less worried about losing his interest or affection when you aren't actively having sex.

It might also help to think about what you bring to the relationship and what he enjoys about you specifically. I know you're saying these thoughts are coming from you, not him, but maybe part of this talk can be about how you aren't useless when you're not having sex and only worthwhile when you are.

[bigbywolf]

With other sexual activity - it's not that I don't enjoy it, I love giving him oral and hand jobs and just touching him in general - I probably have a higher sex drive in general and I just like making him happy. I don't know why it's "not the same", it's kind of like if I made he offer to do things for him while we can't have sex, he'd think I was just doing it to please him, even though I tell him I enjoy it too. I guess resolving that just involves talking to him some more. I talked to him yesterday briefly about the guilt I feel and he said pretty much what you have, that there are more ways than sex to be physically affectionate and close.
With thinking about what I bring to the relationship, I just can't. I have a lot of issues with my perception of myself and part of the insecurity about being the reason that sex can't happen is because even though I KNOW there are reasons my boyfriend and any other partner I will have want to be with me, I can't think of any myself. My boyfriend knows this and he gets very sad when I say how useless or pointless I feel when I can't do things like have sex with him.

[Sam W]

Hi bigbywolf,

That sounds like you've got some rough emotions running around in your head. I'm glad you've opened up this conversation with your boyfriend, and it sounds like he's receptive to talking about it and helping you when these thoughts come up. So, I think your plan to have a more involved conversation is definitely a good way to go.

Sometimes, if you feel like there are moments where you need reassurance from your partner about your own value (because some part of your brain is being a jerk) to ask for that explicitly. Or, if you're not comfortable being super explicit about it, some people have an agreed upon codeword that they use that can signal "I am in X brainspace" so that partner knows to react in a certain way. Do either of those sound like approaches that might help you?

[bigbywolf]

Actually interesting you should mention the 'jerk headspace' and 'codeword' thing. My mother and sister have depression, and though I'm undiagnosed I know the extent of the sadness I feel isn't "normal" (I say this because i have been "normal" and as such think I know what "abnormal" is.). The whole concept of depression frightens my boyfriend because he's had an entire lifetime free of people who to his knowledge have never been depressed. The term itself terrifies him, but he's understanding and says "broken" people rather than "depressed" people (maybe not the best substitute word, but definitely better than ignoring when something's up). He knows to be extra sensitive with me if I say I'm having a "down" week. It's just talking to him about the specific thigs I need reassurance on that I need to do. Thanks for letting me talk this all out

[Karyn]

That's what this space is for.

Is there anything else we can help you with around this? Do you feel okay initiating a conversation about needing some reassurance from time to time with your partner?