inconsistent guilt about extreme porn

[anonym12]

17m. i use porn with pretty extreme content (strong power dynamic type stuff) basically every night, a lot of the time when i feel bad, like it’s my way out of the feeling, but also, i do use it even when i felt fine before. Milder stuff feels flat now, and when i try it i end up comparing my body to the people in it and feeling worse ( Im short and skinny), so i go back.

I feel guilt for this content usage but inconsistently. sometimes i feel really guilty and disgusting during or after, and sometimes i feel nothing, even with the exact same stuff. sometimes i worry it says something bad about me as a person.

what bothers me most is the people in it. I know i cant know for sure the people in it actually agreed to it, and honestly in my mind even if they agreed to it, i feel like they are just being manipulated and no one could want this stuff happening to them. yesterday i felt really bad about what i’m doing to them by watching it. today i told myself i don’t care about them anymore, then that i never actually cared and only felt like i was supposed to. a few minutes later i realized i still think it’s wrong, even if it doesn’t feel wrong right now. Ive tried to stop using this content and always failed within like a day. I think i started masturbating when i was 9 or 10, and it was with content in the same category, but milder, that i use now. But within a year or starting it got much more extreme.

my question: how do i figure out whether i actually care about the people in it, when it changes so much depending on the moment? And if i can’t tell what’s real, how should i think about watching it?

[amber]

Hi anonym12 and welcome to the boards!

I want to start by sharing this article from out site which talks about porn and may offer some help to you in how you've been feeling about it -- Making Sense of Sexual Media

As for your question on how to tell if you care, I think you posting here is great evidence that you do. Porn is created to produce sexual desire in its viewers and so it isn't wrong or weird to be feeling those things from watching. Thinking deeper about where the porn comes from, whose making it, and what may be unrealistic about its content, is smart and healthy. Thinking through these things and creating boundaries of sorts with yourself and your comfort may help you not swing to and from stress and worry about this content. How do we do that.. well I think you ask yourself what feels most uncomfortable to you and go from there. So, what seems to be the most uncomfortable for you?