Lack of Sensation

[goldielocks247]

If this is the wrong place to ask, I'm sorry, but I'm asexual and I am a virgin. I always felt strange about things and wanted to try having sex, but I was worried and wanted to try first using a dildo. I realize when I used a dildo fully for the first time, the only thing I really felt was when it entered me, but when it was inside of me, I felt really nothing. I could tell something was inside of me, but it didn't feel good. I was standing at first, then decided to sit on the edge of the bed and neither position felt...good? Is this normal? Am I doing it wrong? Because people always make sex seem so pleasurable and I'm not feeling it. In fact, the only thing I am is sore for the next two days. Any suggestions or comments that can help would be appreciated.

[Andy]

Hi and welcome to the boards, goldielocks247!

This is the perfect place for such question and we are happy to talk about this with you so no worries.
You know, I am not surprised at all that it didn’t feel good for you and for a couple reasons. The biggest one being that it doesn’t sound like you were particularly aroused or excited about trying it out in the first place, and how our minds feel plays a critical role in how or if we experience pleasure because that’s where it happens, not it the stimulated body parts.

We can talk about and give you resources about what other forms of stimulation might feel better for you (because just insertion doesn’t feel like a whole lot for most people) or how to use the dildo so it could potentially be more enjoyable and comfortable for you. But before doing that I would like to make sure sex, including masturbation, is even something you want to explore for yourself.

Can you tell us what is it that brought you to trying it out in the first place: is it curiosity, thinking everyone else is doing that so you should too or something else?
How do you feel thinking about trying masturbation: are you excited, aroused, nervous, scared...?
What do you expect from experiencing sex?

I also want to do a little mythbusting. It sounds to me like you only consider sex to be inserting something (like a penis) into vagina, but by this logic for example partners where neither of them has a penis couldn’t be having sex and that simply is not true. You can read about what else sex can be here: What's Sex?
And hopefully it helps to see there there is a looooooot more to it than penis in vagina, and that for a lot of people find the other kinds of it better for them.
It might be also helpful to read about the concept of virginity and why it is only a concept, not something that has any anatomical correlate, and not a very helpful one in general: Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context

[goldielocks247]

I know that I'm asexual, but I kind of just wanted to see if I was missing out on something. I have people that have wanted to have sex with me that I haven't, I just wanted to try the dildo route first to make sure it was something I would be comfortable with. The first time I tried it, I think I was more so nervous/excited about the idea. The second time I tried it, I thought I would be more into it, but I was just completely shocked at the lack of literally feeling anything inside of me. I felt it entering, but I didn't feel like any sensation what-so-ever on the inside if that makes sense? It could have been the positions I was in, I'm not sure. I feel a little different than most people and I wanted to try to see if sex was indeed for me. I do have men that want to have sex with me, it's just I know they are well endowed and if I can't enjoy it with an average sized dildo, I don't know how I will enjoy it with a person. Does that make sense? I was just wondering if the lack of sensation was a normal thing for most woman. Because maybe I was right and penetration sex isn't for me. I just wondered if I was doing it wrong or if I was different physically. I realize I'm all over the place, but this is new for me.

[Latha]

Hi there, Goldielocks247!

No worries. You are not all over the place, but it is okay to be confused. We know that it can be really hard to figure out how to make pleasure happen, and we don't mind talking to you about it.

Trying out sex on your own before you try with other people is a good idea--it will let you focus completely on exploring what works for you, without the pressure/distraction/logistics that might come with being with another person.

The apparent lack of sensation you've noticed isn't unusual--if you look around on the boards, you'll find lots of users here who report similar experiences. For one, the vagina does have fewer nerve endings than other parts of your body like the clitoris--many people find that vaginal stimulation tends to feel better when it happens with clitoral stimulation. And also, as Andy explained, insertion (and any other kind of sex, really) tends to feel most pleasurable when you are already in the mood.

You can decide that you are not interested in insertive sex, but I wouldn't say that you don't have the capacity for it based on what you've noticed physically.

I understand that you may not feel sexual attraction to other people or want sex generally, but are there any sexual activities/dynamics/fantasies that sound like they would feel good to you? Have you tried any activities other than vaginal insertion?