Lack of Sensation

[goldielocks247]

If this is the wrong place to ask, I'm sorry, but I'm asexual and I am a virgin. I always felt strange about things and wanted to try having sex, but I was worried and wanted to try first using a dildo. I realize when I used a dildo fully for the first time, the only thing I really felt was when it entered me, but when it was inside of me, I felt really nothing. I could tell something was inside of me, but it didn't feel good. I was standing at first, then decided to sit on the edge of the bed and neither position felt...good? Is this normal? Am I doing it wrong? Because people always make sex seem so pleasurable and I'm not feeling it. In fact, the only thing I am is sore for the next two days. Any suggestions or comments that can help would be appreciated.

[Andy]

Hi and welcome to the boards, goldielocks247!

This is the perfect place for such question and we are happy to talk about this with you so no worries.
You know, I am not surprised at all that it didn’t feel good for you and for a couple reasons. The biggest one being that it doesn’t sound like you were particularly aroused or excited about trying it out in the first place, and how our minds feel plays a critical role in how or if we experience pleasure because that’s where it happens, not it the stimulated body parts.

We can talk about and give you resources about what other forms of stimulation might feel better for you (because just insertion doesn’t feel like a whole lot for most people) or how to use the dildo so it could potentially be more enjoyable and comfortable for you. But before doing that I would like to make sure sex, including masturbation, is even something you want to explore for yourself.

Can you tell us what is it that brought you to trying it out in the first place: is it curiosity, thinking everyone else is doing that so you should too or something else?
How do you feel thinking about trying masturbation: are you excited, aroused, nervous, scared...?
What do you expect from experiencing sex?

I also want to do a little mythbusting. It sounds to me like you only consider sex to be inserting something (like a penis) into vagina, but by this logic for example partners where neither of them has a penis couldn’t be having sex and that simply is not true. You can read about what else sex can be here: What's Sex?
And hopefully it helps to see there there is a looooooot more to it than penis in vagina, and that for a lot of people find the other kinds of it better for them.
It might be also helpful to read about the concept of virginity and why it is only a concept, not something that has any anatomical correlate, and not a very helpful one in general: Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context

[goldielocks247]

I know that I'm asexual, but I kind of just wanted to see if I was missing out on something. I have people that have wanted to have sex with me that I haven't, I just wanted to try the dildo route first to make sure it was something I would be comfortable with. The first time I tried it, I think I was more so nervous/excited about the idea. The second time I tried it, I thought I would be more into it, but I was just completely shocked at the lack of literally feeling anything inside of me. I felt it entering, but I didn't feel like any sensation what-so-ever on the inside if that makes sense? It could have been the positions I was in, I'm not sure. I feel a little different than most people and I wanted to try to see if sex was indeed for me. I do have men that want to have sex with me, it's just I know they are well endowed and if I can't enjoy it with an average sized dildo, I don't know how I will enjoy it with a person. Does that make sense? I was just wondering if the lack of sensation was a normal thing for most woman. Because maybe I was right and penetration sex isn't for me. I just wondered if I was doing it wrong or if I was different physically. I realize I'm all over the place, but this is new for me.

[Latha]

Hi there, Goldielocks247!

No worries. You are not all over the place, but it is okay to be confused. We know that it can be really hard to figure out how to make pleasure happen, and we don't mind talking to you about it.

Trying out sex on your own before you try with other people is a good idea--it will let you focus completely on exploring what works for you, without the pressure/distraction/logistics that might come with being with another person.

The apparent lack of sensation you've noticed isn't unusual--if you look around on the boards, you'll find lots of users here who report similar experiences. For one, the vagina does have fewer nerve endings than other parts of your body like the clitoris--many people find that vaginal stimulation tends to feel better when it happens with clitoral stimulation. And also, as Andy explained, insertion (and any other kind of sex, really) tends to feel most pleasurable when you are already in the mood.

You can decide that you are not interested in insertive sex, but I wouldn't say that you don't have the capacity for it based on what you've noticed physically.

I understand that you may not feel sexual attraction to other people or want sex generally, but are there any sexual activities/dynamics/fantasies that sound like they would feel good to you? Have you tried any activities other than vaginal insertion?

[goldielocks247]

Yeah, I think I'm just discovering I really am 100% asexual and the penetrative sex just isn't for me. It does make me feel weird and awkwardly different that I don't like it. People tend to glorify sex and make it seem amazing, but for me? I can't find that appeal. I tried using a dildo for the third time and I actually REALLY tried to get into it, but while I was using it, I still had that lack of sensation and this time it actually made me feel like throwing up. I don't like it. Thank you both for responding. I think it's just hard for me to come to terms with being asexual. I really thought this was something I might have wanted with having penetrative sex, but I'm realizing after three times of trying...I don't want or like it. People talk about g-spots, but I couldn't find any area that actually felt "good". And trust me, I tried.

[Heather]

No one has to like any particular kind of sex, and everyone gets to only do what they do enjoy or want to explore, and pan anything they don't.

I want to echo what has been said here to some degree already in saying that it's actually pretty unusual for people with vaginas to really enjoy sex that is ONLY or mostly something going inside their vaginas. I'd say that feeling yucky about it, even to the point of feeling nauseated, would be a common way to feel if you were engaging in any kind of sex you din't actually really want (rather than just being curious in the way you've been) or that you weren't taking part in because you were really excited about it. I say that to you just so you can also know moving forward that the ways you have been feeling are reliable cues about what you want and don't! Feeling bored, or yucky, or sick -- or just plain not liking a thing! -- are all excellent signs that something sexual either isn't for you, or isn't something you, someone else, or both of you are doing in a way that feels right for you. <3

As has been explained, vaginal sex not feeling good can have a good deal to do with what's going on with the internal and external portions of the clitoris -- the g-spot, which you mentioned, is also a part of the internal clitoris, for example, so if someone isn't both very excited and also hasn't usually had or isn't concurrently having a good deal of clitoral stimulus, the g-spot won't be kind of swollen in the way it tends to need to be for it to feel like anything. Most folks who enjoy vaginal sex are usually engaging in and first or concurrently enjoying other things besides *just* vaginal sex, things like kissing, touching other parts of the body, clitoral stimulation. Lastly, vaginal sex with a dildo tends to feel different than, say, vaginal sex with fingers or even a penis. So, should your feelings change in the future and should you find this kind of sex is ever something you want to explore with someone else (or on your own again, with a toy), these are some things you'll want to bear in mind.

Same goes with this and any other kind of sex and exploring things based on what other people say or you think others enjoy. We're all so diverse sexually, so what kind of sex someone else says they like, or does like (because sometimes those things don't match) often won't be that helpful to figure out what we do and don't like, especially if that person isn't also our sexual partner.

But it sounds for now like you couldn't be more clear about not liking what you tried and not wanting to do that again. I hope you don't feel like you have to defend what you do or don't like to anyone, including yourself. Like I said, we're all different, l and it's okay for all of us to like what we like and not like what we don't when it comes to sex.

Is there anything else we can help you with around any of this, including in feeling more comfortable with your ace identity?