How to feel secure in your sexuality?

[initiald-ejavu]

Sorry for making 2 posts in one day, but I've just had both topics on my mind recently.

A lot of language I hear discussing sexuality is also essentialist. As in you're born gay, or straight, or cis, or trans, or monogamous, or non-monogamous, and there is nothing you can do about it. That there is this "true you" underneath all your confusion and distress, and you just have to find it!!

At the same time I also hear stories about people repressing who they "truly were" and discovering later in life that they're of a different orientation, or that they prefer a different relationship structure, etc.

Combining these two facts leaves me constantly anxious about my sexuality. So... there is nothing I can do to change it, and it's randomly generated, and I could be wrong about it??

How does one know they're "done"? Like... I've been a pretty simple cis monogamous guy my whole life. How do I know that won't change? That I'm not repressing without knowing it?

If I consider bicuriosity or non-monogamy, is that just a passing thought? Or is it some sort of repressed inner truth coming out? Thinking like this always terrifies me and I don't know how to deal with it.

How is anyone confident in who they are? I can never seem to be able to do that... I feel irresponsible engaging in relationships sometimes without having 100% certainty, even though SUPPOSEDLY everyone is in the same boat. I just have no idea how y'all cope.

[Anya]

Hey initiald-ejavu,

These are really great and complex questions. I'm glad you've brought them here.

You're absolutely right about the discourse around queerness and relational structuring. Some say it's biological or essential and preconceived, and others say it's fluid and developed over time or by our environment. These kind of starkly opposite arguments make it super difficult to identify how we actually fit into all of this and what it means about the feelings we have internally about what we want, who we want to be, and around whom.

First, and as uneasy as this might make you feel, for many of us there is no "final state" or "true you" that remains authentic forever. Just as people grow and change in their preferences toward living environment, taste profiles, friendships and boundaries, or passions and careers, I would argue that for most people, shift and change is an inherent part of queerness and relational structuring. Sometimes one thing feels better than another, or better with one specific person, easier in one country or harder around family. There are constantly influences to our sexuality beyond just "what or who we want," although even that is subject to change just as we change internally over the course of our lives as people. So to answer your question, I would say there is never a point where you are "done" finding out about yourself. It is not a traditionally satisfying conclusion, but one that through acceptance (or tolerance for the time being) and curiosity, can get a lot easier.

I think this is where a lot of people get that confidence you talk about. We tend to first think it comes from them "figuring out" this elusive, tricky thing that we can't quite seem to get a good grip on, but if we think deeper, what at least I've realized is that it actually comes from the radical acceptance of them not knowing who they are in every given moment. People have begun to treat labels and identities as fixed boxes which we must contort and conform ourselves to fit in, but really, it should be the other way around. Labels and identities as we know them are communication tools, they work for us, and its our job as individuals to develop our own understanding of them as they suit us. This means we can make new ones, shift old ones, or use multiple it that's best. There is of course merit and validity to the work of many elder queers in molding the identity labels as we know them, so maintaining lesbianism, for example, as to remain only between non-men, or transness to exclude cis people is important to keep these terms specific and grounded in shared experience. But we also must realize that this "shared experience" is vast and entangled with the whole rest of our lives and selves.

I'd love to keep talking about this so please let me know if you'd like to keep discussing. In the meantime, there are a few articles id love to share with you:
Straight, Gay And Everything In Between: On Sexual Fluidity
The Answers (For Now)

[initiald-ejavu]

Some say it's biological or essential and preconceived, and others say it's fluid and developed over time or by our environment.

I don't think either of these cases is less terrifying than the other. If it's preconceived, but you can be wrong about it, that is practically equivalent to it being developed by your environment from a first person view. In both cases it is out of your control. Even if it is developed through environment, that doesn't mean you can change it by changing the environment very reliably. Conversion therapies don't work. Whether they CAN work in theory and we just don't know how is a question with no practical bearing for my life right now.

Either way, you can wake up tomorrow and suddenly, all the attraction you felt is gone. Suddenly, this configuration doesn't work anymore and you "know it". Suddenly, the relationship that makes you happy is doomed because a little dictator in your head has decided "Ehhhh yea, actually you're *insert new sexual identity here* now. Good luck and fuck you I might change my mind again!!"

We tend to first think it comes from them "figuring out" this elusive, tricky thing that we can't quite seem to get a good grip on, but if we think deeper, what at least I've realized is that it actually comes from the radical acceptance of them not knowing who they are in every given moment.

See, I'd have NO problem with this... If it were just about me. But by the nature of this topic, it isn't, is it? Sexuality and relationships are closely tied. If my sexuality changes (again I will emphasize against my fucking will) then suddenly something that meant so much to me can go poof.

It feels so terrifying to me to love and build relationships on the shaky ass and unstable foundation of human sexuality. Sexuality is WEIRD.

I have no idea how y'all accept this fear.

And my problem with it isn't self-preservation even. I am pretty comfortable with personal pain. I am not worried about a relationship ending due to my partner's preferences changing for example, as if that happens, I would prefer if they left and found happiness. I would never want them to remain and torture themselves. I would support them and be happy for them, even if in the short term I'd be torn up and wrecked. And I sure as hell wouldn't blame them for changing cuz lord knows sexuality is weird.

But I personally take GREAT issue with hurting people who haven't wronged me. I find it... unfair? Disgusting? Unacceptable? That I can wake up tomorrow and through some nosense in my head the relationship could end, and it would be my fault for not even knowing my own damn preferences!

I think I can kind of predict the reply I'll get based on those last two paragraphs. Something along the lines of "You're within your right to take risks that you accept others taking with you. It wouldn't be your fault if you changed, we can't control our sexuality" but... UGH.

I sometimes feel like entering a relationship is like strapping guns to your hands yknow? Like, I'd never do anything to actively hurt this person, but I may slip. I may change. Something out of my control can happen that will hurt them terribly. And it causes me so much anxiety to know that I can hurt them so badly without having a say in the matter. Active hurt I can mitigate and do something about... but change? The heck am I supposed to do to defend against that??

How can you live with the fear that you may change in a way that would wreck the most important relationships in your life? I love this girl. I just don't wanna hurt my baby... T.T

Lawd knows what I'll do if I ever have kids amirite? Sigh...

[amber]

Hi initiald-ejavu!

I do you hear you and your worries and certainly understand the anxiety of not-knowing when it comes to your sexuality (or any other aspect of yourself). What I will say is I think we're going off on the wrong path here.

People don't really wake up one day with a new sexuality. Like Anya said, our life experiences and people we meet allow us to grow as people and change in sooo many ways (sexuality included!). The truth is that your worries here about sexuality could be applied to literally anything. You could be in a long-term relationships which ends for a million reasons. That isn't a failing.

It is true that a relationship ending may bring hurt to someone you care about or to yourself - but that is the risk we sorta take to build deep connections. We also accept the pain of grief, for example.

It sounds to me like these feelings are more about an overarching worry on hurting people you care about, with sexuality as the current focal point. Have you ever experienced this worry manifest in other ways? Have you ever talked with a mental health professional about these worries?

[initiald-ejavu]

I am currently in therapy for it.

Yea... I have this worry whenever I'm in a relationship but the justifications vary. Sometimes it's "What if my sexuality changes" sometimes it's "What if I don't find them attractive anymore" somtimes it's "What if I'm secretly evil" etc

And at no point is it every symmetrical. It's never "What if their sexuality changes" or "What if they don't find me attractive anymore"

Thanks for pointing out to me that this is similar to everything else. I'll try to remind myself of that.

It's the "this isn't a failing" part that I seem to struggle with a lot. I still have some risidual guilt for breaking up with my ex for example even when I KNOW it was the right thing to do as I was completely losing my mind trying to force myself to stay in that relationship. I seem to have this idea that ME causing hurt is not okay, but others causing hurt is okay (so long as they're not malicious of course)...

[amber]

I am glad that this is something you are working through! It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself while you work through these feelings.

Are there things you do to take care of yourself when you are stressed?

Here is an article that you may fing helpful when thinking about selfcare -- Self-Care: A La Carte!

[initiald-ejavu]

Are there things you do to take care of yourself when you are stressed?

Sometimes, althought the point at which I decide "Hey, this is enough stress to warrant self care" could probably be brought down further. I typically only do these things when I've had a generational meltdown earlier in the day/week. It's more maintenance than kindness. I'm working on tipping it the other way slowly.

I read that article. It all sounded like the kind of comforting advice you'd get from grandma on a random afternoon because you're sad. It was very nice to read.

[initiald-ejavu]

Also I will add, I reflected on this a bit more and, I feel really silly for not having noticed this earlier!

The truth is that your worries here about sexuality could be applied to literally anything.

This has stuck in my mind. This is clearly not about ethics or not wanting to hurt my girlfriend or anything like that. The emotions are real but they're not an explanation. This is about some sort of internalized shame around sexuality, has to be.

If this was really purely about fearing to hurt my girlfriend, I should be just as scared of a meditation video turning me into a celibate Tibetan monk and ruining my relationship, as I am of porn or attraction to others changing my sexuality and ruining my relationship.

But I am not afraid of that. Because if I genuinely one day discovered that I want celibacy and to live out my days as a monk I would think "Welp, sorry I didn't know earlier, sorry for breaking your heart, but I have to choose what is right for me". And it will be sad and tragic and terrible, but that is all: tragic. Not evil or wrong like it would be around sexual topics...

Thank you Scarleteen. This is genuinely very eye opening.