"Authenticity" and how to know if you're lying to yourself

[initiald-ejavu]

Hey guys, this post is kind of a continuation of the last one "How do you feel secure in your seuxal identity" but I want to zoom in more on the process. And it's also gonna be more philosophical

I realized from my last post that I still definitely have some purity culture built into me, as part of me considers a change in sexuality to be "selfish" or "evil" whereas other changes are not.

I always believed sexual idenities are fluid and that they may change over time, but then I start to wonder how you actually spot such a change. At what point does a passing thought become an important one, and part of our identity? At what point are you just lying to yourself?

I hear you guys tell people often "You're going to have to decide what sort of relationship/identity you want" and I always find that odd? Because at the same time we also "cannot choose what we're attracted to".

Just the two concepts already betray different approaches. "Lie to yourself" assumes there is a truth about you, and "decide what you want" assumes there isn't. Idk how to square them. Are all the decisions really equally valid?

If someone is attracted to men and also feels that this is the work of the devil, there is 2 directions they can go: They can either embrace the attraction and lose the "work of the devil" bit, or they can embrace the "work of the devil" bit and work to actively suppress the attraction. Are both of these options equally valid?

Because a part of me feels like it's not all choice. That there may be times where "decide what sort of identity you want" doesn't apply, and there is clearly a better option. But if you'll remember from my previous post, I hate essentialism, the idea that there is a "core" to you that is much better to stick to and you just have to find it and you'll be happy!!

I don't know what to do anymore to square these 2 concepts. How can "all choices are valid" be true while at the same time there being cases where one is "lying to themselves"?

And if I AM doing the latter, and there IS some core I'm hiding, how do I know? Cuz that idea terrifies me.

[char]

Hey again initiald-ejavu. Since we've been discussing things intensively for a while, how about lightening things up a bit? Maybe we can talk about your own experience. How do you describe your own identity as of now? How do you feel about your identity in relation to attraction, partnership, and so on? I remember you mentioning that you have a girlfriend--have you been talking to her about how you feel + what you think?

[initiald-ejavu]

I'm not sure that asking me about my experiences will lighten things up. I wouldn't be discussing things intensively if I didn't have intense experiences. But I will share anyways.

My own experience is: I am monogamous but I have some curiosity about ENM that makes me feel incredibly guilty. This is the current flavor anyways. I've had these same reactions with things like "what if you lose attraction to your girlfriend", or really any sexual topic/doubt that threatens the relationship. Every time I get something like that I have at least one of (usually all of) the following reactions:

1- You bastard monster how could you? You probably don't even really want it, you're just selfish and greedy and insatiable. You are doomed to hurt anyone you love cuz you can't even figure out what you want.

2- Does this mean you secretly can't live without it? That it's a "core part" of you waiting to be discovered? That you're doomed to destroy your relationship if your girlfriend doesn't want to do it with you? And I fall into this cycle of panic where it seems that the destruction of my relationship is imminent and uncontrollable and against my wishes. And then I calm down a bit and chill out.

Then the cycle repeats whenever I find someone else attractive or whenever I observe that my attraction to my gf is even slightly less than last time. Though thankfully, much less often than it used to a year ago. Now it's a monthly/twice a month thing. Still excruciating, but not as frequent at least.

My girlfriend is aware of everything I talk about here. I would consider it straight up unethical to keep thoughts like these secret as they affect her. She advises me to chill out and that curiosity and the ebb and flow of desire is fine. And when it comes to acting on any of these fantasies we'll cross that bridge if we get there and that we will both handle it with love and care, no matter the outcome. I hear this and it still doesn't remove the terror I have of changing against my will.

A big part of me just strongly hates this curiosity and wishes I could just be my idea of a "proper" boyfriend, IE, only attracted to his girlfriend, simple and straightforward. A part of me thinks that the reason I even consider ENM is to have "licence" to find others attractive without guilt. I just don't know what's happening with me and I spent about 6 hours panicking about it yesterday.

So yea... sorry for not exactly lightening up the mood. My experience is unfortunately just that of me being a scared mess atm.