I'm extremely confused by my gender and I've been for a while

[azure]

Hi, so. I've been reading posts on here for a while, but this is my first time actually speaking up about my experience. I'll try to word this the best I can, but english isn't my first language so I apologize if something I say seems clumsy

To begin, I just want to say that I've known for a while that I'm queer. I come from a very close minded family, who doesn't support any kind of queer identity so I had to learn pretty fast to hide it. I identified as pan in the beginning, and then 3 full years of being a lesbian. I knew i liked girls in a way, the problem was, did I like boys?

So during this whole time, I was pretty confident as a cis lesbian. Then I started to discover more about the community. Demigirl, nonbinary, genderfluid.. I tried all of those identities, while always keeping a feminine aspect (with my pronouns for example, it was always she/they both or one of these).

And then I don't know, something just clicked. It was a really weird period of my life. I was very stressed at the time, and adding to that, I was asking myself, "what if I'm actually a boy?"

The thought just seemed revolting to me. After all of these years of rejecting boys, I was considering being one myself? Eventually, I identified as a trans boy for a year in 2024/25. (With weird on and off phases where i didn't really know). I had a really bad breakdown where I confused my parents by cutting my long hair super short (I still have them short now, and I still enjoy being mistaken as a boy from time to time)

I had a boyfriend at some point, and I found myself happy being in a mlm relationship. Eventually it ended and somehow I felt even worse after. Months later I'm in another relationship, and this time wlw (I still was hesitant about my gender, but I ended up identifying as sapphic again). And it felt less great than when I considered myself a boy.

The thing is that, I like when people use he/him on me, or they/them (but in my language, they is not socially accepted at all so that makes it either she or he). I'm also very sure I like girls, but I can only be romantically attracted to them. I'm not turned on by any sexual activity I could have with them, which should be an issue if I'm a lesbian since I can picture sexual activities with a boy. But I can only picture it with a boy if I'm a boy myself. As a girl I'd just feel uncomfortable.

I love makeup, and I wouldn't say that I enjoy dressing feminine but I like some aspects. But once again, with my family, I can't fully dress how I'd like to be, and I think I prefer "masc" clothing. I don't think I would want to go through any medical surgery to change my body, but I'm still uncomfortable with my chest from time to time and I experience gender dysphoria.

I don't know if this is relevant, but I'm a maladaptive daydreamer and when I imagine things, I never picture myself as a girl. It can be something that I don't know how to describe, or a boy. I've had multiple dreams where I was a boy and I found myself drawn to every single one.

Which brings me back to this constant questioning. Am I trans even if I don't feel the need to medically transition? Or is this just gender envy? I know I'm probably not genderfluid/demigender cause I tried it already and it doesn't feel like me. Adding to that, I'm becoming an adult soon and with my family the situation is even more stressful to me because I can't talk to anyone about this. I have friends online, but as an individual I don't like opening up and I don't know how to explain my feelings without writing endlessly (as you can see)

It seems like such a non issue now that I'm writing it but really, it makes me so anxious. I love being a woman, a feminist, loving girly things. But at the same time, sometimes it just makes me feels so empty to be one. And when i identified as a trans boy, I found myself missing that part of me, even if I was really happy. I liked loving women as a sapphic woman. But I know I'm not a woman (or entirely sapphic for that matter. That's a discussion for another time but I also feel disconnected from other identifies as someone who's been in the lesbian community for a while, and who found comfort in it). Being a boy would mean leaving this behind and it's so scary.

The fact that I know I can't really be myself with my family is even worse. Is it even worth it to ruin my days by worrying about this, knowing damn well that one day I'll have to let go and be "normal" for my family? I wish I could've been. I love them very much, I wish they understood.

I should let go of labels, but I crave to be labelled. I feel safer that way. There's some moments where I try to convince myself that I am cis, with my irl friends for example. They're all straight and cis, so I try to be like them. But there's always something to remind me that I'm not quite like them.

[Sofi]

Hi azure, welcome to the boards!

I'm sorry this has caused so much anxiety for you. I understand why, and it's valid. From what I'm reading, it sounds like you enjoy both being a [trans] boy who dates boys, and also a girl who dates girls, but not really much else in between. Is that right?

I noticed you said you tried the genderfluid identity and it didn't feel like you. Can you tell me more about that? I ask because it's not rare for folks who feel similarly to you to use that label and have a different gender day by day (as well as decide their gender expression for that day). Since some times you feel like a girl and like girly things, but other times you feel better as a boy, could this be something you can explore more?

Believe it or not, a lot of people wouldn't mind their partner not having one specific gender identity, and maybe even if your partner is also genderfluid or similar, you could sort of get the best of all worlds. I mention that to give you some hope that it doesn't have to be all or nothing and that you can definitely find a relationship that fits your wants. There's not really a need to fit into one box when it comes to gender and sexuality, which I'm sure you know, but I just wanted to reiterate. This is your journey and you're allowed to use whatever label you want (or none), and that label is allowed to change over time as much or whenever you want it to. If you sit with that for a moment and let it really sink it...how does it feel?

[azure]

Hi Sofi, thanks a lot for taking the time to reply to me!

I definitely don't think I fit in one box with my gender. That's maybe why I'm not exactly satisfied by saying genderfluid?

I feel like it's not exactly me because I'm not one gender everyday, I think. In my opinion I feel it more as something that's "everything or nothing", if you know what I mean. I could be both at the same time, but somehow every time I try to settle with a label it doesn't fit for some reason. Maybe it's just me being picky, or I don't really understand the labels to their extent, I don't know.

I guess one thing that doesn't really help is that I tie my gender and sexuality together when trying to figure it out. I know I probably shouldn't, but it's hard not to. I don't want to have a "confusing" gender but at the same time I feel like it is very complicated..

Being in between feels weird to me, because I've always pictured things kind of in black and white (girl/boy). And this peace I had with myself kind of got troubled once I figured out I wasn't exactly cis. That's probably biased and a bit of internalized homophobia talking but I didn't want to believe it so I tried to ignore it by switching to "simple" labels to be socially accepted. (I hope this doesn't come off as offensive, I promise it's absolutely not my intention, I'm trying to put my experiences into words.)

Adding to that, despite how fem I present, I always feel more comfortable when being addressed with masc terms. So I like to present fem sometimes, masc sometimes but I'd rather be described masc, no matter how I'm presenting for the day. Maybe not entirely a boy, but masc nonetheless.

I hope this kind of makes sense, I can explain further if you need

[Heather]

Hi there, azure: just offering up something small for you in case it hits for you. Once upon a time we had a volunteer here whose gender experience sounded a lot like yours, and they called themselves "genderfree." Not sure if something more liek that feels like a good for for you, but just thought I'd put it out there in case.

[azure]

Hello Heather! I appreciate you sharing this with me. That does sound pretty good. I guess the concept of not being anything is kind of what I'm looking for, despite also wanting a specific label. I don't know if that's what I am but I'll think about it, thank you!

[Sofi]

I'm so glad the term Heather shared resonates with you! Take some time to let that sit and see how it feels. We're here if you want/need to come back and discuss this further at any time <3

[darkingbog]

hi azure,

i read through these posts yesterday and felt like adding a few ideas. thank you for sharing your story here. you seem really cool!
i also struggle to explain myself without using a lot of words, so you're not alone in that.

i get that youre saying that you want the reasurance of having a "simple gender." i would invite you to explore if you might be able to find that same reassurance in accepting that your feelings about your gender might not always stay the same. kind of like: "my gender is my gender and i'm okay with defining it when it feels right and not forcing myself to define it when i'm not sure." does that make any sense? also, i think there's an article on here about being unlabeled (i'm not sure if i've read it,) if that's something you're interested in.

i personally know people who are genderfluid who don't describe themselves as having a gender that is different every single day when waking up. genderfluid can be like your gender changing or shifting every once in awhile, or having a gender that depends or who you're dating, etc... your identity doesn't have to be exactly like the definitions that you'll see online, because in truth, it's mostly for you, not others.

finally, many trans people don't want to go through surgery or go on hormones! you can be trans and not want to medically transition.

[Heather]

What a wonderful addition, darkingbog. Thanks for helping out. <3

[darkingbog]

of course, heather! it's actually been quite fulfilling to be active on these boards, forum-style communication is fun!

[Heather]

I love when people have that experience. . Yay!

[azure]

Hi! I don't know if it's okay for me to talk here again considering it's been a little while.. Sorry for being so late, darkingboy. What you said did resonate with me, and I've looked a bit of stuff about being unlabeled. I went with it for a bit.

But.. I feel like this constant questioning is never ending at this point.

The thing that bothers me with the genderfluid label is that I still have to "call my gender something". Because it changes every minutes, genuinely. Reading what I said in the past, it's not really "everything or nothing" anymore, it's like I'm walking through a fog without ever getting out. I don't know if it could influence it but it's possible I have OCD (not diagnosed yet, but I possess a lot of the symptoms. But that's to take with a grain of salt as I'm not sure). So for a minute I'm like, yeah nvm I must be a girl. And then I think about it and I'm like, what! never! I hate being cis. And then I think again and I'm like yeahh I'm nothing at all. It's this constantly in the back of my mind. In the end, I still get distressed and go back to being a girl because it's safer. I really wish to know, I see people who are so sure of their identities and it's so frustrating. Maybe I'd be fine if it was "just a girl" or "just a boy". But the fact that this questioning is so complex stresses me out. I feel embarrassed at the thought of having to explain to people what I am, especially since I don't know. I look like a girl to the people around me so it wouldn't "make sense" for me to not be one. (apologize for the terms I use once again, I don't mean harm it's just to explain)

I love dressing feminine, the thing is, when I dress fem I know people see me as just a girl and I hate it. I'd like it more if people didn't see a girl behind the makeup. Another thing is that I feel like I'd enjoy dressing fem better if I didn't have a chest. Like, if I look at it like that, dressing up kinda feels like an art or a performance to me. But people don't see it like that because of my chest. I guess when I view it that way I want people to be confused when they look at me. For example i've been dressing ultra fem for uni and everytime I come back home I feel so dysphoric. I'm "prettier" when I dress fem, and I often feel like if I expressed I'm not aligned with being a girl it'd just come out weird especially since I don't make efforts to look masculine. Nobody really knows me in uni yk, but with the front I put up I know they think in their head "that's a girl". And I hate it so much.

But once again it's a vicious circle since I can't dress masc. I don't have a lot of clothes, and I can't be too obvious with my family. Which brings me to this state where I wonder, if I COULD dress masc all the time, would I even bother dressing fem? And I guess I wouldn't. Because when I really try, I succeed to pass. This summer I got mistaken as a boy a few time, and it made me so happy. A man told me I had a very androgynous face (that didn't make my mom happy, hahah. But even she knows it, that's why she pester me to dress more lady-like)

I always feel wrong saying I want to be a boy, because I don't want all of the changes T could bring me. I'd love to have a deeper voice, more masculine build, but I don't want full on beard or bottom growth. I know it's valid and that some trans men choose not to medically transition, but I feel like I'm faking it in contrast to them. And there's this part of me that tells me I'd miss aspects of being a girl. I know it because when I identified as trans in the past, I felt longing for the person I couldn't be anymore if I choose to embrace this identity fully.

This is all over the place, so I can try to explain further things you didn't understand. I don't know why the concept of a label distress me so much, but I also feel very bad not having one. Nothing fits, nothing is ever enough. I pick up a label and it's a matter of weeks, sometimes days until I get another identity crisis. It's getting to a point where sometimes I don't do anything because I'm thinking about this again.

[Andy]

Hi azure,
and no worries, we and the boards are here for you however and whenever you need. Sometimes people come back even after years and we are always glad to hear how things are going with them. Although I am sorry to hear you are still struggling with this.

What I am hearing is that you experiences changes in your gender, which is something the word genderfluid is generally used for. But I am wondering why do you think that you still have to call your gender something on top of genderfluid when it is making you feel so stressed?
The words we use to describe ourselves are our own and should be serving us, you know. And the moment they start feeling like a weight pulling you down rather than a safe anchor, it is the time to just ditch them. Rather than trying to fit your experience in some narrow box, while not live the experience freely and if you ever find a word that fits you you can always start using that. And if not, that is perfectly okay to. Does that make sense?

[azure]

Hello Andy! I thank you for your reassurance.

I have no idea why I struggle so much to just let go and live it as it goes. When I say I'm genderfluid, I always feel like I have to explain everything that's going on inside my head, and since it switches so much I feel weird with it.

I really do try to put it aside, but you know, it always comes back at this little thought on the back of my head and I can't help but listen to it, which makes me doubt everything all over again. I'm someone who likes routines and despises explaining stuff, the fact that this is so out of my control scares me a bit.

[Andy]

I’m sorry you are feeling this way because there really is no need to explain anything, people shouldn’t really need to know your gender at all in the first place when talking with you, just the pronouns you want them to use at the moment.

I get not liking feeling out of control. I wonder if it might help to try reshape thinking about it not as something "new scary things happening to you" but rather as "usual fluctuation of how you experience gender", where the experience stays fully yours. Like someone might for example wake one day craving sweet breakfast and a savoury one the next day, or wanting to go on a walk in the morning and then wanting to stay at home in the afternoon, many people get up feeling more masculine one time and then more feminine at other.

This sounds like it is really stressing you out, so I am wondering if you have access to some kind of mental healthcare support, like a therapist or counselor through uni for example?

[azure]

I guess I do look at it as something scary happening to me. Since I look pretty feminine, I haven't told anyone irl that I prefer to go by he or neutral pronouns (even though neutral isn't really an option in my language). So I have to stick to she. It kinda makes me feel like I do have to explain, and unfortunately I don't want to face it. I suppose it plays a part in the gap I feel between my gender and me. Online it's easier, I can meet people with whom I feel comfortable enough to share it.

I'm going to try what you said about changing my point of view on it. I don't really have access to metal healthcare support because I wouldn't be able to afford anything like that alone without making my family suspicious. I think there might be a counselor at my uni but once again I'm worried they might reach out to my parents or something.

[Andy]

I hear you neutral being complicated in your language, it’s in mine too (though people are being creative and it’s been slowly changing)

Do you have any queer friends or other people around you? I’m asking not only because they might be good people to start trying other pronouns with, but also simply because navigating queerness by itself without supportive people who can relate is much much harder. If not, would you be interested in looking for some queer communities around you? Many universities have queer student clubs or support groups that are great places to meet new people.

Mental health care services at schools and unis are usually free. And I don’t know what country you are in so I can’t speak of how it works there legally, but in many countries you have the right to medical confidentiality even before you are 18. If you are not sure, reaching out to that service and asking about that might be helpful? No matter the laws, any counselor should let you know if and how they have to report something and would discuss that with you first while taking into account your situation in the family.

Speaking of that situation, I am sorry it is what is it. And I wanted to ask what you are worried might happen if your parents found out about your gender identity or that you are seeking mental health care?

[azure]

That's great to hear changes are happening on your end for more inclusivity. It does for me too, but it's only really being taken seriously by open minded people for now. Still a pretty good start, I'm very glad!

I have queer friends, but online once again. I have someone I knew irl, but he's far now so our friendship is online as well. I'm pretty much surrounded by straight people, haha. Although my close friends were open minded when I came out as a lesbian in the past, I don't know how'd they'd react to a whole pronoun change. I don't even know how I could approach the subject, back then I did it without knowing everything that could've went bad yk. For gender it's different, because my irl friends are all girls and our friendship has always been built on this understanding we had of each others. As for other queer people around me, I have no idea where I could even begin to search. I mean obviously, there must be a lot of people with whom I could connect to but I don't even know where to look. There's an association in my uni but the meetings are held too late for me.

I've never really spoke up about this stuff, that's why I'm a bit reluctant to go see a counselor/therapist. I could try though, so I'll think about it.

About my family, it's just that they're all really religious and homophobic (I'm really sure, they make it clear unfortunately) so I have to keep quiet about all of that. My mother believes it can be "cured" cause it's a "trial". This sort of stuff.

[Sofi]

I do think seeing a mental health professional to process a lot of this could be good. Being able to talk about this out loud in a non-judgmental space is already so helpful, but adding on a professional who can guide you in working through the feelings that come up is the cherry on top. I'm also sorry to hear about your mom's belief that being queer can be or needs to be cured. I hope you don't hold much or any shame from that anymore. <3

I wonder if you're able to join even one of the meetings at your university, because it could be super helpful to even just go once and meet some folks and if you connect with some of them you can exchange contact info and see about building a friendship. It sounds like a great opportunity and space to meet likeminded people!