I feel like a creep

[blahaj78]

Sometimes when I masturbate, I start thinking about my crush in a sexual way. I don’t mean for it, but my mind just wanders that way and I don’t catch it very fast (I have ADHD if that means anything.) I feel so guilty for this. Like a creep. He is my friend, and yet I think about him like this and he has no idea. I find what I think about attractive even, which makes me feel even more bad. Is this normal? Is it bad?

Also, is it normal for masturbating to be so messy? I use a towel, but it gets really soaked and there are a lot of fluids that come out. (I feel dysphoric calling it squirting but I think that’s what it is, if you have ideas for a different term for it please tell me.) And tbh, the fact that it is so messy and having to clean it up after does make me feel dysphoric for some reason…

[KierC]

Hi Blahaj!

Masturbating to the idea of a crush, or someone you know who you enjoy thinking of when you masturbate, is very normal and it doesn’t hurt anyone on its own. Because it’s only happening in your head, it exists in the realm of fantasy and it doesn’t hurt anyone. But I hear you that these thoughts are bothersome to you. Do you want to talk more about why you feel badly about this?

Yes, it is normal for masturbation to be messy! But I’m sorry it’s causing you to experience dysphoria. It sounds like part of the dysphoria comes from the mess and part comes from how to think about or describe it. The good news is that you can call it whatever you want! If “squirting” feels dysphoric for you, you don’t have to call it that. Are there other words you think about using that might feel better, like “ejaculation”?

Do you have thoughts on how the mess-part might tie into your dysphoria? Is it seeing the mess, touching it, or something else? Maybe we can figure out a way to minimize the part of this that triggers dysphoria.

[blahaj78]

Hi, thank you for the reply!

I feel bad because maybe it will make the friendship unbalanced, because I like and think about him more than he likes me. And I’m worried if I’m sexualising or objectifying him, that it means our connection isn’t genuine and I’m just using him for my own fantasies. I feel really guilty for it.

I think calling it ejaculation will help. I think seeing the mess, and hearing it come out, has been dysphoric for me, and then having to clean it up is a reminder of the dysphoria.
I have words for my anatomy that help to ease my dysphoria with them, but sometimes when I am masturbating, I am reminded of the real words for my anatomy and they pop into my head. It’s really dysphoric

[Heather]

Hey there, blahaj78.

You know, someone objectifying someone doesn't talk about them like you are your friend. You are considering him as a whole person, and concerned about your relationship together. Someone who thinks of someone as an object doesn't do that. Sexualizing is also language meant to address objectification. Having sexual feelings for someone or about them isn't sexualizing them, it's having sexual desire for/feelings about them. We can also both have sexual feelings for someone and have a real friendship with them: friendship and sexual feelings (or sex, for that matter!) aren't mutually exclusive. <3

What do you think you might need to feel better about these thoughts when they happen?

[blahaj78]

Hi, thanks for the reply.

Honestly, I don’t know what I need to feel better. What you said did help me a bit though.
I think I just feel bad about having a crush in general. And I feel bad about talking about him with my friends because I’m scared of if I talk about it too much or if they will feel uncomfortable with it.
This is the first time I’ve really felt this way towards someone, and it’s all very new and scary. I don’t understand my own feelings, how I’m supposed to act or think, and if I’m being too attached and unhealthy or not. Being autistic probably doesn’t help.

[Heather]

It probably doesn't, but being autistic also doesn't make this impossible, by any means. I promise you don't need to be scared of your own feelings. Even though they can for sure be confusing, they can't harm you or anyone else, they're only feelings, not actions, just like thoughts are only thoughts and not actions. <3

I also get how in the intense newness of a crush, we can want to talk about that person ALL THE TIME. You can always just pre-empt any conversations about him with friends by letting your friends know that if it feels like too much to them, to just give you a friendly nudge and you'll simmer down. Sometimes it's nice to have that help from friends to keep us from becoming so hyper-focused on a crush that we lose our own sense of self or the rest of our lives.

I'm happy to get into detailed talk about the concerns you have about attachment and how you can be sure you're behaving in ways that are healthy and feel right for you. want to toss out some examples of some parts of this you want help navigating?

[blahaj78]

Thank you <3 Is it really okay to talk about these things here if it doesn’t really relate to sex ed?

I’m worried if I’m becoming too attached and at what point is it unhealthy and taking up too much of my life?
I get more excited than usual when I see his texts, I value and remember them more than I would anyone else. I miss him when we can’t hangout. I felt a jealous of his friends who can see him every day at his school and are closer to him, which scared me.
I also have spent so much time overthinking our interactions, being anxious and self critical about if I’m likeable, and trying to discern how he feels about me.
I have also spent time playing the games he likes or watching movies he likes to talk about it with him. I genuinely do like doing those things, but I’m scared if I’m changing myself too much for him.
I overthink about the right time to text him, if I’m bothering him, and if I text him too much or too little.
So, is this too attached? Is it normal for a crush? I don’t know

[Heather]

This is about sex ed! Sex education is also relationships education and feelings education. Sex is multi-faceted and complex and by no means is just about people pressing body parts against someone else's body parts. <3

What I hear you describing here is how a lot of people feel when crushing: we get more excited hearing from a crush than others (crushes are documented as bringing about giant dopamine spikes, which is why they can feel so intense and emotionally swollen). We feel longing when it comes to the object of our crush. We fixate on the things they like and are interested in. We overthink our interactions and try to figure out how that person feels about us. All of what you're describing here is very typical crush stuff, even though I get that it can feel anything but typical.

I do think it's worth paying attention to your concerns, though, and trusting your own intuition. How about trying to introduce him, for instance, to some of the things you like so you're not both just talking only about things that have to do with him? How about you just try and be mindful that other people in your life are getting a similar amount of attention or texts? How about your remind yourself that however this person feels about you doesn't determine any kind of universal likability or lack thereof? However this guy feels about you, all that tells you is how this one guy feels and thinks about you: it doesn't tell you more than that, or impart anything universal, you know?

I don't know if this would be helpful to you, but sometimes when I have been in crush or new relationship energy mode, I will just also ask my friends to help keep me balanced and honest by asking them to help me stay focused on more than just my crush and my feelings, whether that's about doing things together that are about our relationship, not my crush or new relationship, or just letting me know that I have been talking nonstop about said crush for 20 minutes and they're bored.