Can’t reach orgasm from partner

[zoey]

Me and my boyfriend have been sexually involved for over a year. I have struggled reaching orgasm from him. We have tried sex, oral, and using hands. We go for so long trying to get there that it starts to irritate and hurt. I can finish on my own. I’m not sure where we are going wrong.

[Heather]

Hey there, zoey. Welcome to the boards. Let's see what we can do to help you out with this. <3

Most people learn to orgasm first through masturbation, rather than through sex with a partner. Even when you're with someone you trust and enjoy being with, there's a certain level of social pressure that can make it tougher to get there, especially when you haven't gotten there before on your own, and we also will often need to tell or show a partner the kinds of things we have learned get us there on our own for them to learn, with us, how we can get there together.

Since you can get there on your own, have you been able to share what works with you with your partner, either by showing him, telling him, or both?

I also want to add that *trying* to reach orgasm is usually the surest way NOT to experience orgasm. Instead, we usually need to be focused on pleasure, and exploring it in an open-ended way, without a goal of or attachment to orgasm. And by all means, if and when we're at the point where all we're doing is trying to orgasm and things are't even feeling good anymore, we've for sure jumped the shark. When you two are sexual together, are you able to just explore and experiment, focusing on what feels good without either of you having orgasm as a goal? If you have done that, does that feel any different for you?

[zoey]

Hi Heather, thank you for your reply! I have shown and told my boyfriend what works for me. and he tries to do it but doesn’t really get anywhere. I feel like it doesn’t always feel that good even though he is trying to do what works for myself. It just feels like someone’s touching me instead of it actually feeling good or making me feel aroused. This is where I’ve become confused because how is he doing what I’m saying but it often doesn’t feel that good. It makes me feel like I don’t know what I like anymore so now I don’t know what to tell him to do. He asks what I want him to do but I never know what to say. It has definitely caused some problems within our relationship. I feel unsatisfied disappointed, and defeated because nothing seems to work.
P in v sex doesn’t really feel that good either. It honestly barely feels like anything. I don’t know if that’s a me issue or what it is. I know I can finish from clitoral stimulation. We have tried using a clitoral vibrator but it still doesn’t always work or takes a very long time. It even sometimes hurts after using it so I don’t even like it that much.
Not reaching orgasm again and again makes me feel really pent up with no like release. I think it has started to make me enjoy sexual intimacy with my boyfriend less. We have tried doing things without having the goal of orgasm but it still seems to feel the same. Regardless it just leaves me feeling disappointed because it seems to be reoccurring issue. I hide the fact that I am feeling disappointed but I can’t help that I feel that way. I consider if maybe I’m the problem and there’s something wrong with me and that’s why I can’t orgasm from him. I don’t really know where to go from here.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry that this has been creating such hard feelings for you! I'm also really sorry you feel like you have to hide how you're feeling from your partner, and you're right, your feelings are what they are. We can't control how we feel about things, and it's reasonable to feel disappointed when we are disappointed.

No one person is ever "the problem" in a situation that is about more than one person, I promise.

I have some more thoughts, but first a couple more questions to fill in some gaps in my understanding of your situation.

Can I ask how turned on you generally feel with your boyfriend, before and during any kind of sex together? Are you usually very excited when you're going to be sexual with him or not so much? I ask that because any kind of sex generally will only feel good -- or even like anything at all! -- when we're excited about it before it even starts. It may also be that you used to come to it excited, but all of this frustration has changed that for you. If so, that'd be helpful to know.

Can I also ask how you two decide what kinds of sex you're going to explore in a given session, and, when and if something doesn't feel good, like intercourse, are you letting them know that -- including stopping that kid of sex altogether, rather than continuing to do anything that doesn't feel good -- and talking about it together to try and sort out what doesn't feel good, what adjustments you might try making, or to think of something different to do instead?

That you are hiding your feelings from him also makes me curious about that and the rest of your relationship: are you two generally good about communicating, including about things that are hard or difficult to talk about? Can I ask you to tell me why you feel like you can't be honest with him about any of this?

[zoey]

I definitely used to be more excited but now it feels less exciting because I just feel like I’m going to be left feeling unsatisfied every time. Even when I was excited normal sex didn’t feel like much still. Not really sure why that is.

We sometimes discuss things we are going to try and other times we just do whatever. We have researched things like different positions, how to make a girl finish, how to give oral to a girl, etc… and we end up trying some of those things sometimes. We have yet to find anything that has helped.
When doing anything that involves clitoral stimulation it seems to get really irritated, maybe because I can’t finish so we just go for awhile trying. Then I’m left feeling a sharp uncomfortable feeling down there so nothing will feel good for at least a day or so when it feels back to normal.

I have brought up how it doesn’t really feel like anything but I think he can take that in an offensive way. I also think my lack of wanting to have sex can be taken to heart. I don’t think traditional p in v sex will really be able to do anything for me but I don’t know. I will communicate when the sex is painful and then sometimes we will just stop or adjust, but other than that even if it doesn’t feel good I just let it continue. Oral and hands are the only way I feel I could reach orgasm. When it comes to those I usually say when something doesn’t feel good or I just tell him to stop all together. When it comes to oral if it doesn’t feel good I do sometimes just let him continue doing for a little bit. I do it because I feel defeated and by the way his demeanour it looks like he feels the same way.
We have had issues before regarding this. Such as slight arguments and frustration. I feel like I don’t get much out of the sexual aspect of the relationship. I think our communication sometimes lacks in our relationship and often just leads to arguments. We have argued about this stuff before so I think I just try to be cautious now and I’d rather say nothing so that no argument happens. Every time we talk about this topic it just seems to kill the mood because we both are at a loss and have no idea what to do now.

[Heather]

Thanks for filling me in on all of this. I have one more question -- and it's a doozy -- and then I have some things to offer up. Just a heads-up, though: I'm at the end of my workday and have to head out, but I will be back tomorrow and I can dip into this thread first thing and offer you what I can.

Here is that doozy of a question: do you think that a sexual relationship is actually the right kind of relationship for the two of you?

I ask because it sounds like you've never really felt particularly excited about being with him sexually, even before you had this mountain of frustration under everything, and like the sex between you has never felt at all good for you. It sounds like you have been looking up a lot of general advice -- which is rarely helpful, since there simply are not things all "girls" like or don't: just because someone has the same body parts doesn't mean they will like things the same way -- but not having good open conversations or sexual exploration that's really based on just exploring what YOU like with any success. That you feel like you have to just "let" sex that you aren't enjoying continue suggests to me that you've somehow gotten the idea you have to do that, which doesn't speak to a great dynamic between you (though it may be you think that with any partner, and if so, we can certainly talk about how to unpack that whether you stay with this partner or not). It also sounds like talks about this have not ever gone well or been productive between you, to the point that you now feel silenced. All of these things don't bode well when it comes to you two actually being able to create a sexual relationship and connection you both enjoy, feel satisfied with, or even just basically feel good in.

Might it be possible that some of what's happening here is that you two keep trying to have a sexual relationship when it just isn't a good fit? Unfortunately, being attracted to each other is only one aspect of all this -- sometimes we will be attracted to each other, and want to be sexual together, but find that sex with each other, even after a while of trying a lot of different things or approaches, just isn't right for us with someone.

I'm sorry to leave this on that very difficult question and note, but I will be sure to pop back here first thing tomorrow for you.