Can’t reach orgasm from partner

[zoey]

Me and my boyfriend have been sexually involved for over a year. I have struggled reaching orgasm from him. We have tried sex, oral, and using hands. We go for so long trying to get there that it starts to irritate and hurt. I can finish on my own. I’m not sure where we are going wrong.

[Heather]

Hey there, zoey. Welcome to the boards. Let's see what we can do to help you out with this. <3

Most people learn to orgasm first through masturbation, rather than through sex with a partner. Even when you're with someone you trust and enjoy being with, there's a certain level of social pressure that can make it tougher to get there, especially when you haven't gotten there before on your own, and we also will often need to tell or show a partner the kinds of things we have learned get us there on our own for them to learn, with us, how we can get there together.

Since you can get there on your own, have you been able to share what works with you with your partner, either by showing him, telling him, or both?

I also want to add that *trying* to reach orgasm is usually the surest way NOT to experience orgasm. Instead, we usually need to be focused on pleasure, and exploring it in an open-ended way, without a goal of or attachment to orgasm. And by all means, if and when we're at the point where all we're doing is trying to orgasm and things are't even feeling good anymore, we've for sure jumped the shark. When you two are sexual together, are you able to just explore and experiment, focusing on what feels good without either of you having orgasm as a goal? If you have done that, does that feel any different for you?

[zoey]

Hi Heather, thank you for your reply! I have shown and told my boyfriend what works for me. and he tries to do it but doesn’t really get anywhere. I feel like it doesn’t always feel that good even though he is trying to do what works for myself. It just feels like someone’s touching me instead of it actually feeling good or making me feel aroused. This is where I’ve become confused because how is he doing what I’m saying but it often doesn’t feel that good. It makes me feel like I don’t know what I like anymore so now I don’t know what to tell him to do. He asks what I want him to do but I never know what to say. It has definitely caused some problems within our relationship. I feel unsatisfied disappointed, and defeated because nothing seems to work.
P in v sex doesn’t really feel that good either. It honestly barely feels like anything. I don’t know if that’s a me issue or what it is. I know I can finish from clitoral stimulation. We have tried using a clitoral vibrator but it still doesn’t always work or takes a very long time. It even sometimes hurts after using it so I don’t even like it that much.
Not reaching orgasm again and again makes me feel really pent up with no like release. I think it has started to make me enjoy sexual intimacy with my boyfriend less. We have tried doing things without having the goal of orgasm but it still seems to feel the same. Regardless it just leaves me feeling disappointed because it seems to be reoccurring issue. I hide the fact that I am feeling disappointed but I can’t help that I feel that way. I consider if maybe I’m the problem and there’s something wrong with me and that’s why I can’t orgasm from him. I don’t really know where to go from here.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry that this has been creating such hard feelings for you! I'm also really sorry you feel like you have to hide how you're feeling from your partner, and you're right, your feelings are what they are. We can't control how we feel about things, and it's reasonable to feel disappointed when we are disappointed.

No one person is ever "the problem" in a situation that is about more than one person, I promise.

I have some more thoughts, but first a couple more questions to fill in some gaps in my understanding of your situation.

Can I ask how turned on you generally feel with your boyfriend, before and during any kind of sex together? Are you usually very excited when you're going to be sexual with him or not so much? I ask that because any kind of sex generally will only feel good -- or even like anything at all! -- when we're excited about it before it even starts. It may also be that you used to come to it excited, but all of this frustration has changed that for you. If so, that'd be helpful to know.

Can I also ask how you two decide what kinds of sex you're going to explore in a given session, and, when and if something doesn't feel good, like intercourse, are you letting them know that -- including stopping that kid of sex altogether, rather than continuing to do anything that doesn't feel good -- and talking about it together to try and sort out what doesn't feel good, what adjustments you might try making, or to think of something different to do instead?

That you are hiding your feelings from him also makes me curious about that and the rest of your relationship: are you two generally good about communicating, including about things that are hard or difficult to talk about? Can I ask you to tell me why you feel like you can't be honest with him about any of this?

[zoey]

I definitely used to be more excited but now it feels less exciting because I just feel like I’m going to be left feeling unsatisfied every time. Even when I was excited normal sex didn’t feel like much still. Not really sure why that is.

We sometimes discuss things we are going to try and other times we just do whatever. We have researched things like different positions, how to make a girl finish, how to give oral to a girl, etc… and we end up trying some of those things sometimes. We have yet to find anything that has helped.
When doing anything that involves clitoral stimulation it seems to get really irritated, maybe because I can’t finish so we just go for awhile trying. Then I’m left feeling a sharp uncomfortable feeling down there so nothing will feel good for at least a day or so when it feels back to normal.

I have brought up how it doesn’t really feel like anything but I think he can take that in an offensive way. I also think my lack of wanting to have sex can be taken to heart. I don’t think traditional p in v sex will really be able to do anything for me but I don’t know. I will communicate when the sex is painful and then sometimes we will just stop or adjust, but other than that even if it doesn’t feel good I just let it continue. Oral and hands are the only way I feel I could reach orgasm. When it comes to those I usually say when something doesn’t feel good or I just tell him to stop all together. When it comes to oral if it doesn’t feel good I do sometimes just let him continue doing for a little bit. I do it because I feel defeated and by the way his demeanour it looks like he feels the same way.
We have had issues before regarding this. Such as slight arguments and frustration. I feel like I don’t get much out of the sexual aspect of the relationship. I think our communication sometimes lacks in our relationship and often just leads to arguments. We have argued about this stuff before so I think I just try to be cautious now and I’d rather say nothing so that no argument happens. Every time we talk about this topic it just seems to kill the mood because we both are at a loss and have no idea what to do now.

[Heather]

Thanks for filling me in on all of this. I have one more question -- and it's a doozy -- and then I have some things to offer up. Just a heads-up, though: I'm at the end of my workday and have to head out, but I will be back tomorrow and I can dip into this thread first thing and offer you what I can.

Here is that doozy of a question: do you think that a sexual relationship is actually the right kind of relationship for the two of you?

I ask because it sounds like you've never really felt particularly excited about being with him sexually, even before you had this mountain of frustration under everything, and like the sex between you has never felt at all good for you. It sounds like you have been looking up a lot of general advice -- which is rarely helpful, since there simply are not things all "girls" like or don't: just because someone has the same body parts doesn't mean they will like things the same way -- but not having good open conversations or sexual exploration that's really based on just exploring what YOU like with any success. That you feel like you have to just "let" sex that you aren't enjoying continue suggests to me that you've somehow gotten the idea you have to do that, which doesn't speak to a great dynamic between you (though it may be you think that with any partner, and if so, we can certainly talk about how to unpack that whether you stay with this partner or not). It also sounds like talks about this have not ever gone well or been productive between you, to the point that you now feel silenced. All of these things don't bode well when it comes to you two actually being able to create a sexual relationship and connection you both enjoy, feel satisfied with, or even just basically feel good in.

Might it be possible that some of what's happening here is that you two keep trying to have a sexual relationship when it just isn't a good fit? Unfortunately, being attracted to each other is only one aspect of all this -- sometimes we will be attracted to each other, and want to be sexual together, but find that sex with each other, even after a while of trying a lot of different things or approaches, just isn't right for us with someone.

I'm sorry to leave this on that very difficult question and note, but I will be sure to pop back here first thing tomorrow for you.

[zoey]

Sounds good! Thank you for all your help today. I hope you have a great night.
The sex between us was never really good from the start. We started off by just hooking up and then ended up getting into a relationship with each other. At the beginning I was excited to have sex with him because I liked him and was attracted to him. My feelings for him are even stronger now and I am still very attracted to him. After we did start having sex I felt like it wasn’t as good as people make it out to be. I thought maybe sex just wasn’t for me. I would often dread having sex because it just didn’t feel enjoyable. I kept doing it because I liked him and I thought maybe it would get better over time. He was really eager to just try to please me at the beginning with oral and I actually would sometimes enjoy it. I’m not sure when or why it became less enjoyable. I feel like it could be that I feel that he doesn’t prioritize my pleasure as much as he used to. We have tried using a vibrator so I can finish. We use it a lot of times after we have sex or oral but he doesn’t really pay me any mind when I’m using it to finish. He kind of just watches a show and instead most of the time. I also don’t really like how the vibrator makes me feel after, sometimes I feel like it hurts and leaves me feeling irritated down there. The vibrator sometimes can’t even get me there or it takes a very long time.
I have the desire to have sex and do those things. I don’t want to not have sex but I just want to enjoy and feel satisfied by it. I still want to have sex with him but I want to have pleasurable sex with him. Same thing goes for oral and anything else. My libido is still there but I just don’t always allow myself to always engage because I feel not satisfied and unfulfilled.
I would say we both probably have a pretty high sex drive compared to most people. We would have sex daily if not multiple times a day. Since we started off doing this before we even started dating I felt like it would be hard to limit it now. For the first while I wouldn’t give him oral and he said he felt like I didn’t like him because of it.
He is my first body so I don’t really have any other experiences to compare to this. I don’t know if me and him just aren’t sexually compatible or what it is. I don’t know if I would feel satisfied by someone else in these ways.
We have really progressed in our relationship and I do really like him. We and met each others families and all sorts of things. The biggest issue for me is just the sexual aspect of the relationship. He seems to be satisfied with our sex but I’m just not. I want to be with him. It makes me sad that we have been together for a year and haven’t been able to solve this. I feel like with a year we should have been able to figure it out by now. I don’t know what to do if we really aren’t sexually compatible. Is that really a sufficient reason to leave someone? It’s just hard because I do love him but there’s just something that isn’t working for us.

[Heather]

We have tried using a vibrator so I can finish. We use it a lot of times after we have sex or oral but he doesn’t really pay me any mind when I’m using it to finish. He kind of just watches a show and instead most of the time.

zoey, I wish that I had been recording audio while I was reading this so you could have heard the sound that came out of my mouth when I read these sentences. It sounded a lot like I have heard animals sound when people step on them by accident. I'm so, so sorry this is the kind of thing you have been living with. This is awful.

I highlight this for a few reasons. One, to me, it's a very clear illustration of the deeply shitty place things have gone to in this relationship and dynamic, and I also think it doesn't say good things about your partner and his behavior, at all. It tells me he has basically removed himself from an investment in your pleasure: he's given up, checked out, and he's also okay with giving up WHILE still being sexual with you, knowing you aren't enjoying yourself. (Which I believe he still knows even though you two have stopped talking about it.) I also can't help but wonder if this isn't some sort of passive-aggressive punishment, where her's mad at you, himself, or both of you, and so he's decided to do something where you're forced to be on your own in your sexual life if you want to even try at pleasure, even when your partner is there. Turning on a show while your partner is still engaging in any part of the sexual session you have been having with them is just an outrageous thing to do.

(I confess, I also pictured what I'd do if a partner ever did this to me, and I couldn't decide if I'd throw the vibrator at them -- which I am not advising, to be clear -- kick them out of my bed and my place, or just break up in that moment right there and then. That all said, when you find yourself in the deeps of a dynamic like this, sometimes you're so low it's hard to even access your own outrage anymore, let alone act on it.)

Anything is a sufficient reason to end or change a relationship, honestly, but sex in particular is not some kind of separate room where what happens there somehow is not connected to the rest of your relationship. In fact, it's where some of our deepest connection will often be happening (or not), and where the dynamics are often a reflection of the rest of our relationship, be that good or bad. People in earnestly wonderful, mutually beneficial sexual relationships won't have the rest of the relationship be crummy: it is usually equally good. People in relationships where the intimacy and communication between them -- sexual or otherwise -- is broken won't somehow be able to be in a great relationship otherwise. You didn't answer my question about how things go for you two when you're dealing with conflict or others kinds of hard feelings, and my guess is that's because so far this is the main place there has been conflict and hard feelings. It sounds to me, though, like things probably would go about how they are going here if you two were in conflict with other things. I bet you'd feel shut down, I bet your boyfriend would not do a great job working this through with you and communicating, and I bet you'd feel alone in things you're in together.

The fact that you feel like you have to stay at the same sexual frequency even though you aren't enjoying yourself, that you can't bring it up anymore, and that you are still having lots of sex you do not enjoy -- not just that isn't resulting in orgasm, but that you're just not even really enjoying -- is really bad news. Mind, it may be that some of your own ideas about how people should do things in sexual relationships needs adjusting, but ideally, your partner would be helping you in making those adjustments, not behaving in ways that keep you stuck in these unhealthy sexual mindsets.

Here's the good news: having had this experience is going to make it a lot easier for you in the future to tell when someone isn't a good sexual partner much earlier on. You ask if things would be different with another partner. I assure you: with someone different than this, and who was approaching your lack of enjoyment and satisfaction differently than this, it 100% would be. It's a bummer this is your first partner, because if it wasn't, I think it would have been a lot more obvious this wasn't a good sexual fit much earlier on. Again, the good news is that from here on out, it will be easier to tell that expressly because of this experience. <3

Here's the bad news: I don't think this sounds fixable, and I do think that you two are not at all likely to be able to work this out so far as having a sexual relationship goes. I can't speak for how you'd do as say, really close friends, because I just don't know enough about the rest of your relationship. But if it helps to know, I have exes where, over time, we worked out that being sexual or romantic partners wasn't right for us, or wasn't right anymore, and I am still very close to some of those people and their families -- in fact, I think of a couple of them as family. So, if you two are somehow super-great outside sex (which seems unlikely, but who knows), really love each other, and still want to be in each others lives, I suspect not being in a sexual relationship will only improve that relationship. If things really aren't that great otherwise, I'd encourage you not to get stuck here because of the sunk cost fallacy: the idea that because you already have invested time and energy in something, you should stick with it, even though the more logical, better choice, the choice that would better support you having actually good and satisfying intimate relationships, would be to move on. It sound to me like you're a very sexual person: years of having lots of sex that sucks for you sounds terrible, including because if and when we do that, it can tend to really kill our sexualities, and you may find you turn into someone who loathes sex and finds yourself trapped in something where you feel obligated to still keep doing it even though it sucks for you, and even though the relationship it's happening in is also otherwise fallow.

I suspect, too, that this isn't just a problem your partner would be having with you. I bet similar dynamics haver happened with any previous partners he has had and will with any future partners unless he changes in some big ways. That he still apparently is able to enjoy sex when his partner isn't tells me that he's either a really selfish partner, or that he's just really sexually insecure, and he's been dealing with that very badly, or both.

Whatever the case may be, I'm sorry to tell you that it's hard for me to see this doing anything but just getting much, much worse.

I'm really sorry to share all of this with you -- and I confess, I struggled with how much to say -- but anyone my age has seen any number of people lose years or even decades of their lives to relationships like this they managed to get totally stuck in, and I'd really hate to see that happen to you. You sound insightful, smart, caring, and also like someone who really wants and would really enjoy actually good, actually deep, and actually satisfying intimate relationships. In a word, you deserve better than this, and better than this is absolutely out there in the world for you, but you're not going to find it in something where you have to basically give up on your own pleasure -- and where your partner clearly already has, and doesn't have a problem pursuing his own with you even knowing it's not good for you -- and have sex you don't like and say nothing about to stay in the relationship.

That was a lot, obviously. I can pop in and out today as you can, I don't want to drop a bomb like this then leave you alone in it, and I want to help you work through this as best I can. Again, I'm really sorry that I don't have different answers for you, but I also think it's vital I'm honest to try and spare you years or more of this, and to try and do what we can to set you on a path where you can actually find and enjoy a sexual relationship that's good for you. <3

[zoey]

Yeah it is pretty disappointing that it has gotten to this point. Especially when I even tell him how I want him to like touch or kiss me while I use the vibrator after sex. I feel like in order to finish in those times I need him to engage with me or else it makes it really hard to finish because I’m not really feeling it anymore.
I agree, I’m pretty sure he knows that I’m not satisfied with things still. I do wonder if it stems from when we had a big argument about this. I said how sex doesn’t really feel like a lot and expressed how I felt sexually frustrated. When I said these things I was trying to just communicate but he took it as more of an attack. I think it makes him feel insecure about his anatomy or performance when it comes to sex.
I do feel like sex plays a big role in a relationship. I think a relationship is like a deeper friendship with someone that you are intimate with. With a lack of intimacy it would feel more like a friendship to me. Our relationship has been pretty rocky so the sex not being good might make sense. There also might be built up resentment from past issues we have had so that probably plays a factor as well.
You would be correct us dealing with conflict never goes too well. I feel like I take accountability but he usually doesn’t. When I do something wrong i apologize, when he does something wrong he says “I did it because you did this…”. When I have brought up things that were bothering me within our relationship he has told me that “I’m asking for too much”. When all I asked for was for him to actually listen to me when we are having any type of conversation. It’s like I can’t bring things up because it’ll always be turned on me.
I too would hate to be stuck with having bad sex for years. I feel like one year has already been a lot. I don’t really see a point in having sex if it’s not enjoyable for me, I’d rather just not do it then. I feel like especially now that I’m still pretty young I should be having enjoyable sexual experiences rather than having bad ones.
He has only really had one and done partners and not someone that you continue being sexual with. I think he only had one that lasted a little bit of time, but I’m not really sure how that went. I do feel kind of weird that he’s had more experiences than me and I don’t know why that is. Maybe it’s just because what we are doing isn’t the best but I wouldn’t know since this is pretty much my only experience.
The snuk coast theory is definitely something that plays a role in what I do. Feeling lost and lonely also plays a role. The feeling of not knowing what to do or feeling so alone is pretty scary to me.

[Heather]

I was just coming back to edit my post to mention that it feels like there is a LOT of insecurity here. Like, an "I am not ready for a sexual partner yet because I am much too insecure" level of insecurity. It was right for you to bring it up and a couple who wants to work things like this out welcomes that and will start talking about it together. It sounds like he both didn't want to do that and like he lacks the emotional maturity to address and work on his insecurity.

Of *course* you still need him to engage with you when you are using the vibrator not AFTER sex, but as part of the sex you're having. It doesn't stop being sex, after all, just because he -- or any other partner -- is finished, unless that person wants to communicate that they need to be done for some reason (they don't feel good, they're so sorry but they're passing out, they just really stopped feeling it), at which point it would be up to you if you also stopped or continued on your own with the vibrator. What sounds like it is happening here is that he feels done for himself and is not invested in your pleasure, and is also massively insecure with his inability to invest in your pleasure and is punishing *you* for it. And TBH, the more I hear, the less surprised I am this is someone you're able to experience any kind of pleasure and sexual expression with at this point, let alone orgasm. You have objectively been describing really bad sex -- this isn't just about your opinion. I *promise* you, sex with a very different kind of partner, someone secure, someone who is truly invested in your pleasure as least as much as their own, someone you feel differently with is SO different than what you're describing. Another piece of good news is that you've probably had the worst sex of your life in this relationship, so it's probably all upward from here.

When I do something wrong i apologize, when he does something wrong he says “I did it because you did this…”.

You know, some of what you have said throughout about all of this had already made me (and us, as a team, I talked to a couple other staff this morning about this, because we're collectively feeling for you) a little worried for you. I'm not seeing any abuse per se, but responses like this are a red flag. So is being able to enjoy himself when you are literally connected to his body and not enjoying yourself. That makes me worry about a lack of empathy on his part, or seeing you as a whole person, and those things are reasons to be worried about someone/something in time going from just crummy to abusive.

I also find it telling he has only had brief hookups. I suspect at least part of that is because the people he hooked up with didn't want to hook up with him again.

YES. You are right, and I'm so glad to hear you say it. There IS no point in having sex with each other if it is not enjoyable for anyone. That is true for every single person alive, including you. Sex is FOR things like pleasure and connection. It is not and should never feel like an obligation or like a requirement. When it does, something is wrong. Same goes, as I said, with a partner even being *able* to enjoy themselves when their partner isn't. That is generally a sign that part of what is wrong is that person and their lack of care for their partner and their experience. Sex is a vulnerable place: no one should be going into it with someone else yet still alone. <3

I also think it's important you listen to yourself and your feelings and clearly stated wants here:

I do feel like sex plays a big role in a relationship. I think a relationship is like a deeper friendship with someone that you are intimate with. With a lack of intimacy it would feel more like a friendship to me. Our relationship has been pretty rocky so the sex not being good might make sense. There also might be built up resentment from past issues we have had so that probably plays a factor as well.

You're very clear about what you want, and that in a sexual relationship, sex is very important to you. It also sounds like you're saying that you really don't have a good -- or even much of -- a relationship outside sex.

So.
Your sexual relationship is just objectively awful, and to the point you feel completely silenced about it, and like you have to have sex you do not enjoy or even particularly want.
The rest of your relationship lacks intimacy, to the point that sex felt like the only place you had it, but it also lacks it now.
Your relationship as a whole has not been good, and at leastv one of you holds resentments.

It also sounds to me like you're saying you're not really friends now, so trying to be friends in the future doesn't feel like a realistic option.

I know that being in a spot like this can really suck -- a first big breakup is also a big deal -- and it is so easy to get stuck on the time and energy you spent in it. But I think that we ideally are getting things from every relationship we are in as it goes along, so time doesn't make it more valuable: it is valuable, if it is, as it goes along. And in your case, it sounds like this relationship has truthfully offered you very little, and even done you some sexual and emotional harm. This is the kind of situation where it makes sense to think not about what we invested so far, but about how we can cut our losses b efore they just keep accumulating and getting bigger, you know?

Again, I'm sorry this is what I have to say, but it's hard for me to see how staying in this relationship is anything but bad for you, and very likely to get worse. When you talk about being scared, can I check in and see if any of that fear is about a fear of what he might do if you do break this off?