I love this girl but am struggling to get over her

[Eli_314]

Hello -

Any advice on how to emotionally detach from someone you like but you know you can’t be with? I’ve had a massive crush on This girl for 2 years now (we’ve been on the same college club sports team for the last 2 years). She’s in a long term relationship and always has been since I’ve known her. I’ve been through a lot with her emotionally (in my own head, I’ve been really quiet about the situation to other ppl, including her), it’s a long story. I’ve had lots of fantasies of her and have masturbated to her a lot (which I kinda feel bad about but also not really cause it’s just my own thoughts)

But basically I’ve accepted the fact that she can’t be my person. She’s even shown sides of her that make me ponder if we’d even be a good couple. Like, She’s a really fun, kind and respectful person, but she be a little cocky sometimes honestly.

The point is, I know I can’t be with her, I don’t even think we’d be a good match, but I still like her. I think a lot of it’s because I feel such a strong physical attraction towards her. Which I can’t blame myself for because boy, is she beautiful. But like I just can’t detach emotionally from her even though I kinda want to. Every time I look at her I still feel a lot of attraction.

For context, I’ve been single my whole life and still don’t have a partner which is why I’ve been looking into getting sex toys lately which is a work in progress.

Any advice for emotionally letting go of her? I know this site is mainly for sex related questions in relationships but I just wanted some extra advice about this situation since it’s been lingering on me. And yes, I do have a therapist who I see and she’s great, but I always like to have more people’s perspectives!

[Latha]

Hi there, Eli! No worries, we can answer questions about relationships and feelings, too.

Often, what helps with emotional detachment is just getting some distance from the person in question. I understand that is probably difficult, since you are on the same sports team, but just to check--can you see any ways to put some distance between the two of you?

If you can't avoid being in the same spaces, you could try to avoid the kinds of warm interactions that deepen connection. Do you think you could be cooperative/generally kind, but focused on interacting with other members of your team when you socialize?

As another question, are you interested in dating right now? Making an effort to meet and appreciate other people in romantic/sexual contexts might show your mind other viable options, and that is something that can mitigate lingering attraction.

[Eli_314]

Yes, I am very interested in dating right now. I tried tinder and hinge but like it just wasn’t doing it for me. And I spend so much time with school and sports that I hardly have anytime for much else so I’m kind of in a debacle when it comes to dating. Not really sure how to really get myself out there.

As for the distance. Yeah, there are ways I could intentionally create distance. But also like, she’s still a good person and I want to still have a. Connection with her. So I’m not sure about just avoiding all the interactions that deepen our connection. Is there like a more middle ground approach where I could still talk to her but maybe like approaching interactions with her differently? It’s just so hard because she’s just so adorable.

But yeah, I am very interested in dating and having sex with other people. Although personally, I don’t just want to jump right into sex as soon as I steady seeing someone. I want to make sure I know them and trust them first because then I could really enjoy intimacy with them. I’m Just not quite sure how to really get myself out there right. Is with the tight situation I’m in with school and sports.

[Anya]

Hey Eli_314,

This is a tough situation to be sure. It's totally understandable to not want to detach fully from her, especially when it would mean really going out of your way to distance yourself. I think that you don't necessarily need to remove her entirely from your life but you do need to make sure you're respecting the decision that she made to be with someone she loves who happens to be someone else. It can hurt like a sword through the heart to watch someone you're so into, not be as interested in you, but its a good skill to develop; being able to sit with your own feelings and still hold a friendship between you two. I would still really pay attention though to if it starts to feel too overwhelming. In this case, I would then think about separating further until you can feel fulfilled in your own life without her around, but until then I think finding a muddle ground is a good idea.

It also makes a lot of sense to kind of passively use dating apps or try to go slow in finding someone else. I think it's definitely best not to jump into any one thing right now, but it's understandable that this is pretty hard. Socializing and meeting new people in this day and age is certainly harder than it used to be, especially when you're already a busy person. I think the best course of action here is to try and go new places to experience new things by yourself or with friends, and sometimes you just happen to be in the right place to meet someone new. Focusing too much on what might be tends to distract people from what currently is, so as best you can try too be present with your friends and yourself, I think this will be the most conducive way (even though it seems like the other way around) to make new connections. Do you have any ideas of what you could try, in this respect? (i.e. going to concerts, bookstores, the mall, sports games, or just spending time out in the world with friends?)