should i confront a toxic girl i told too much to?

[colugo]

so, basically, i have plenty of issues regarding sex, and when i was 14, i met many people that helped me embrace myself, mostly around 14-17 year olds. she was one of them, and we have 2.5 years age gap (technically 3), however, shes a microcelebrity and someone i admired a lot for her amazing art and media literacy, so my relationship with her was...quite different from usual.

we're not friends, but we talked about things that i would only tell close people, as in, really close friends, so this was de facto a situationship of some sort without the relationship escue things. oomfship let's say. she told me about her sexual thoughts, about her kinks, about her trauma, about many things id only tell my close friends. she got so personal that at some point i had to keep multiple secrets from the mass because only her friends knew those personal things and they'd ruin her reputation if i ever spread them, and those personal things were all, well, sex related. i was the only non friend to know them and i was fine with it, and i did keep them secret, though a few times i felt like she was trying to get a reaction out of me by telling me things she knew made me feel uncomfortable. (telling me things like "i always wondered what it feels like to experience *thing i experienced and vented about on story*" formatted like a vent, and on times not taking me seriously/venting after i vent) i didnt mind them at the time because "we all have intrusive thoughts after all". but then things got more personal and her behavior with me grew more disrespectful...

by 2025, she grew MORE personal, she randomly sent me nsfw art she made, and i was fine with it, i liked it and thought its just cuz we're both teenage girls and hormones go crazy and yadda yadda. i didnt mind it because we were, well, almost friends. everyone she knew thought we're friends and everyone i knew thought we're friends. though at some point, she also got very mean with me on parts. she gave me the silent treatment, criticized me without me asking her to, etc. and i did end up telling her i find it scary and disrespectful sometimes. she then told me to not think too much of it and so i just treated it as normal because she can be neutrally blunt like that sometimes without controlling.

so, this year, i ended up misreading her tone and accidentally pissing her off by being mildly irritating on purpose, which i do sometimes to get off my irritation, and ive noticed she does it too sometimes, but that's a different thing. we ended up discussing and resolving the issue okay, and then talking like usual, and we even decided to label each other as friends though i felt that she doesnt see me as a friend, but whatever. and from then on she continued oversharing with me. i was the first to know her crush rejected her, she told me about her fetishes in bigger detail, she sent me MORE nsfw (shes already an adult at this time) and she ended up cowriting smut fanfics that i read and supported a lot. until like 2 weeks ago, a new chapter was out and she let me know, though at that time i was stressed with school, and it was a fic with a fetish i feel ashamed of liking, and so i accidentally spammed her with feedback (not rudely worded) that she got irritated at, and so on the next day i apologized for it. she proceeded to ghost me for 3 days until i decided to message one of her friends that i talked to, without knowing theyre friends, and i asked them to message her for me and to ask her to let me know if she has an issue with me or something because im worried, like, full on panic attack worried. her friend messages her, and then proceeds to let me know that "ummm she better tell you that herself" so i start panicking and asked them to send me a screenshot of their own message. they misunderstand and tell that girl and then they tell me that she just doesnt see me as a friend. she then messages me herself to ask me to stop discussing her with her friends, "why are you so obsessed with me??" and then when i said i got scared i hurt her, she just said that she doesnt wanna discuss (not mad, apparently) and that its just never that deep with her. so we stopped talking (there was also me asking if she wants us to stop talking temporarily or permanently, to which she said "i dont know")

so i ended up discussing it with a girl on my private twt that she was friends with, and she just told me that shes like that with her friends too and probably only sees me as a fan that shes doing fanservice to (apparently including me knowing all of her personal info that even her friends don't know...okay....) and that im being emotionally abused and we have a terrible power imbalance and now i lost respect for her a lot but i still wanna fix things cuz im attached....so idk if i should confront her or no cuz shes genuinely just So terribly selfish but i feel so bad carrying all this rage undiscussed...so like maybe i should discuss it with her at least a littleit kinda contributes to my sexual insecurities too...

[KierC]

Hey colugo <3

I’m so sorry to hear how this dynamic has gone down between you and this person. I hear you about feeling this rage inside you that you can’t discuss. That must be really uncomfortable to carry around, so I’m glad you’re here to talk about it, because it really hurts more to keep these feelings inside.

It sounds like this dynamic has blurred the lines between fan and friend… which, to be honest, is not fair to you or responsible of her. There’s actually a couple levels of power dynamics I see happening here: the microcelebrity-fan dynamic, and the legal adult-minor dynamic. In both of these dynamics, she’s the one who holds more power (being a micro celebrity and a legal adult) and she is responsible for not abusing that power. So, telling you intimate things then pushing you away without explanation, bringing up things *you’ve* experienced and prodding you with it, telling you secrets that are stressful for you to hold and put you in a weird/isolated position, sending you more and more nsfw art as she becomes a legal adult… these are not things people do when they’re conducting a respectful relationship with someone. I think it’s particularly telling that you said you feel scared and disrespected and she brushed it off, you know? Nobody deserves to be brushed off when they’re feeling that way.

You know, there’s actually a thread on here where someone has gone through a similar situation as you, and as I’m reading through it I’m thinking a lot of the advice there is exactly what I want to say here. I wonder if you’d like to give it a read and see if any of the advice there resonates with you? You can read it here: viewtopic.php?p=87667&hilit=Lostbunny#p87667

Let me know what you think. We’re here for you <3

Oh, P.S.! To answer your question directly about whether or not to confront her or reach out, I’d say given her past communication and behavior, it’s likely that the confrontation may not give you the answers or clarity you’re looking for. Maybe you can talk here about what you’d want to say and why, and we can work through this with you?

[colugo]

i read through most of that thread and there are stuff that could help, but i genuinely don't know how to deal with my rage without letting her know how i feel just to like. let out the steam but i still do have some sort of admiration but only towards her skills...so id be sad if she blocks me or something...im also pretty concerned for her safety so id like to let her know that, too, especially considering she was in a similar position as me in the past and still very much pushes herself in more adult spaces (literally cowrites smut with a married 27 year old...???) despite only pushing 19it throws me off a bit and i also feel a bit bad for the 27 year old cuz it seems she only cares about how well they write smut....and overall im also mad that she kinda ignores my struggles on purpose. or well, more like she simply doesnt give a shit cuz i just KNOW she gets me she just doesnt care. but no fan should know such personal informationif it was someone else she could've been banned, without a fanbase or in the worst case, blackmailed, considering that the fandom we're in the characters are 17-18 years old nd people take this very seriously sometimes....

but really i feel a huge need to let her know how much respect i lost nd how mad i am cuz i only keep fussing ab it to my best friend and ex girlfriend and everyone else that i know and i remember my best friend kept saying "WHAT THE FUCK???" when i read the conversation i had with her ex friend cuz really the disrespect she has for me is insane +the things she did to trigger me and her ex friend are just awfulher ex friend knows me since years too so she really opened my eyes ab the situation but it kinda just made me feel worse hearing it from someone else....cuz like wow my thoughts turned out to be real and apparently she acts the exact same with her friends it honestly sucks a lot to lose respect for someone you've been awfully close with since 2 years nd looked up to since 3 years........but like i always get the most humongous urge to post ab her on my public twitter or insta close friends where shes on both of them just so she can know

its stupid but im just so sad i feel bad for all of my friends having to listen to my 5 minute voice rants on messaging apps on an almost daily basisi even feel nauseous or get unusually fast heartbeat thinking ab her and it makes me feel so physically bad cuz im js that angry but if i end up doing something ill probably do it in december cuz shes not in the mood to talk yet +november is her birth month i dont wanna ruin her 19th.....

[char]

Hi colugo. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you; I can tell that this dynamic has been troubling you a lot. I can also see how you feel conflicted about whether or not you should tell her how you feel.

Like Kier said, confronting her doesn't sound like a good idea, especially knowing she's had a history of conflicting with her ex-friends. I don't think it's worth potentially emotionally exhausting yourself by talking to her, when you could be channeling your emotions through other means. How do you think we can best help you sorting out your emotions?

[colugo]

i dont quite know unfortunatelyi already spam my private social media with vents ab her and stuff but like really i keep feeling like i should just let her know at the very least that i dont feel respect for her and that she should probably be more cautious online cuz really idk how to stop feeling so angry ab her constantly

[KierC]

Hey <3

It’s okay not to know what would help right now. It can be hard to do that when you’re feeling really upset, I get that.

I hear you that you really want to reach out to her. The safety concerns may be something someone in her life might bring up, but that is something for someone who is not in a fan dynamic with her, you know? The person in more immediate need of care and support is you, I think, because you were brought into a power dynamic that she mishandled and that’s left you feeling rageful and confused. See what I mean?

This is just the sucky part, but I think you should really consider not reaching out, and instead do what you can to sort these feelings without her involvement. I know this does NOT feel good right now, and I realize you’ve been venting to friends and on your private socials and you still want to reach out, but truly she is not the person who is going to be able to help you feel better after this relationship. That help is going to come from the people who care about you and respect you (like your friends and yourself).

If I may share, I have certainly felt this before too. I’ve been in relationships that were crummy, ended in crummy ways, and I’ve felt like the other person messed up and I needed them to know it so badly. I must say, though, there’s not one time when me reaching out and laying into someone has either changed their behavior, helped them see, or helped me feel better Honestly, it’s mostly just prolonged the harmful dynamic I was in and sometimes made me feel even worse.

I find it’s most helpful to reserve those feelings and thoughts for those who will hold what you say, who will listen to you and who will care for your feelings. Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s not that person. But the good news is that there are good people to talk to about this!

If you’re feeling like venting to friends isn’t helping you let go, and if you feel like this continues to be really distressing for you, it may be most beneficial to work through some of this with a qualified professional. This isn’t like punishment/“time out corner” stuff, this is just like “you deserve the best care that’s actually going to help you feel better and not keep you in a rage state.” Sometimes things can be unclear over typing but I do want you to know I’m intending to say this with the most care, I really feel for you here <3

I’ll pause there for now, but do let me know what you think.

[colugo]

thank you for your reply and im sorry that you had to deal with such things!! i unfortunately dont know if ill be able to get professional help, though, as its really not a common practice in my country and my parents are unaware of this whole thing and probably would be mad at me if they ever knew cuz im bulgarian......the majority in here is homophobic and my parents are mildly homophobic too nd im quite secretive about my online situations so if they ever find out it got THAT far and especially with someone from a different country (shes from a neighboring country) theyll probably put control on my phone which will be super limiting and unsafe as me and my friends love to make stupid jokes, and many of the people i trust are from different countries i only ever opened up about talking to people from other cities but thats about it

and overall my past psychologist was a very weird ableist woman so after that we also lost some trust towards people of such areas in town, too

i think closest to a professional mental health worker is my psychiatrist sister and if i remember correctly she also studied psychology too or is studying it now??? but idk if shes the proper person for that..i trust her a lot tho..

[Heather]

Chloe, I think if you feel close to your sister and trust her, she sounds like an excellent person to ask for help and support around this and the other things you're struggling with. What do you think about asking her if she can make some time to hang out with you so you can ask for her advice and support with some things?