pregnancy scare after losing virginity

[hihihaha]

I just turned 18 not so long ago. Please be patient with me as I have never had sex ed in secondary school and everything I'm experiencing is very new to me

My last period started on September 30th and ended on October 4-5. According to my period trackers my estimated date for period is November 5th. According to my app, it says that my ovulation day will be on October 21st. I did not take any plan b pills.

I had sex on October 10th in the morning. He used a condom during penetration but I took it off halfway to perform oral. We tried the penetration a few times and kept stopping because it hurt a lot for me. He finished on my face and chest area. We checked the condom by filling it with water and found no holes. But I'm still very scared of the what ifs and contamination.

On October 11th at night I noticed some blood which looked dried up. There was no discharge and it was only a drop. People said it was most likely bleeding due to me losing my virginity.

On October 15th I had a very bad scare and started to eat a lot of pineapples and papayas with the seeds (I know it's stupid). On October 16th I ate more than I did the past few days. October 17th, when brushing my tongue in the morning, I threw up. Like it just shot out once and it looked yellow and watery which was kinda scary.

I had very light spotting on October 17th like really little. On October 18th I saw more light red blood in my discharge (more than the past few days). On october 18, when wiping I saw blood in my discharge again. But this time it was dark red brownish and way more obvious which is even more scary considering the fact that when i did some research it could either be ovulation or implantation bleeding. PLUS I won't get accurate results if i test now and i still have to wait longer which is driving me nuts..

I actually went to a gp clinic on October 12 for a consultation and ultrasound to check on myself and honestly the doctor only told me that the best I can do is wait to take the pregnancy test just in case. As for the ultrasound, the doctor said that everything looks normal so that's a relief.

I have been so stressed about this and not able to sleep soundly despite knowing my chances are thin. I absolutely cannot tell my parents about this and I don't really have any other trusted adults around me whom i feel safe to talk about this to. Please let me know what's happening if possible and what I should do.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards. <3 No need to apologize for not getting sex ed: that certainly wasn't your fault! And this is what we're here for.

Something important to know is that menstrual tracking apps CANNOT give accurate estimates of ovulation ahead of time. They simply don't ask for enough information to do that: knowing when periods have happened just isn't enough. I don't know why so many of them keep acting like they can do that, it only seems to cause people stress, and it also gives people a false confidence in knowing when they ovulate, which can also create real problems for people. In the future, if you do want to be able to track your ovulation more accurately, this is what you need to do to do that: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sexual- ... -about-fam

You also never need to fill a condom with water to check for holes. Even a tiny hole in a condom will generally turn into a very visible rip in a few strokes. If your condoms broke in any way, rest assured that you would have been able to tell very easily.

It sounds like there was always a condom on during intercourse (and if you want, let's talk about how you don't have to keep trying anything sexual when it's hurting, and how that actually isn't a good way to go for a few reasons). I also want to make sure you wanted your partner to ejaculate on your face and chest, rather than that being something he just did because he wanted to.

It also sounds like you barfed because you ate a lot of fruit and then more food than usual, but regardless, even if you had become pregnant from this, you would have only *just* become so by the 17th, and usually too soon for morning sickness. There simply haven't been the hormonal changes yet to create that symptom. Implantation bleeding is also very rare, and rarely something people will even know happened when it does. If and when it does happen, it is only very brief, very light spotting. People also do not bleed with ovulation, though some will occasionally have very, very light spotting, once more, usually unnoticeable. It sounds to me like what you were seeing was some old flow from a previous period, which can happen sometimes.

It's not seeming very likely to me you will have become pregnant, but it does sound to me like you'd feel a whole lot better if you could see a pregnancy test with a negative result on it. It's too soon for you to get an accurate result yet -- usually the body will start making the hCg hormone a test tests for around the same time you'd expect a period -- but are you able to get one so you can take it around the end of this month/the start of the next one?

[hihihaha]

I'm planning to take a pregnancy test by the end of this week, so probably on the 24th early in the morning. I already find it very unbearable to wait and make every possible worst outcome up in my head. If I miss my period I would mostly likely get another one in case. As for the ejaculation, he did actually ask me if it was okay for him to finish on my face. I agreed to it but of course it was kinda yucky. To be honest, i actually kept telling him to try to insert it in and go deeper despite it hurting very bad. i even changed positions (cowgirl i think..) and that hurt even worse lol.. Before the sex i was actually very nervous and unprepared, but i forced myself to get into it regardless, despite him asking me repeatedly if it's okay. I actually kind of regret doing it but that's on me. For now I'm actually very concerned about the bleeding mainly. Because when I checked my discharge yesterday the blood actually looked bright red and fresh which scared me so much.

[Heather]

Okay, so a couple things.

I hear you saying that no, you did not want him to ejaculate on your face. saying something is okay, or agreeing, isn't the same as us actually wanting to do something. I very much hope that moving forward, you feel able to ONLY say yes to things you also actually, truly, want to do. Do you understand that you -- like your partner -- should always have that right, and that a partner should only want you to do things you also really want to do? That sex is never something anyone should feel like they have to force themselves to do?

Similarly, please know that when things hurt, it's our body telling us to stop or change something. Not only is pain a signal we are probably injuring ourselves in some way, but pain you don't experience as pleasure (something that's the case for some people in some sexual situations) also will keep your body from actually feeling good. So, next time, don't keep trying when things hurt. Stop. For sure, trying a different position is one thing to try. But it also sounds like a lubricant might not have been involved here and like you didn't feel *ready* for this. So, if we could go back in time and give you a do-over, what I'd hope would happen is that you felt able to be honest with your partner about feeling nervous and unprepared, and told them it was too soon, and that they responded by, of course, being supportive, asking you if there was anything you wanted to do with them that day you DID feel ready for, and if not, that you two just stopped being sexual that day. (And if so, that you only did the things with him you did feel comfortable with and ready for, on top of actually wanting to do those things.) I also would love to go back in time and have your partner ask what you WANT, not what you're okay with. We should all need our sexual partners to be way more than just okay with what we want to do. <3

Given the bleeding: did you use a lubricant? I'm asking because this could well be an early period (can you look at your tracking app and give me the dates for your last 6 periods, by any chance? Or even 3?), but it also could be an injury. If you didn't use lube and kept doing things when they hurt, the bleeding could be from vaginal abrasion.

[hihihaha]

We actually did use lubricant, a lot. He actually kept adding more and fingering me whenever i said it hurt. My last period were:
sep30-oct4
aug25-29
july20-25
jun14-19
may15-19
apr15-19
mar9-13
After the intercourse it did hurt a little for me to walk but it did not really bother me. the pain didn't last very long too. I just had some minor cramps the past week though.

[Heather]

Thanks for filling me in. For future reference, putting fingers in someone's vagina when intercourse already hurts isn't a good idea. That generally will just be a very similar thing that can tend to hurt in the same way, especially if you're already sore. It sounds like maybe your boyfriend could use some help knowing and understanding what might even feel good for you, and like he's without that information. Do you want some help about how to both tell him what actually feels good, but also help just telling him no when things don't feel good or when you don't feel ready or comfortable?

Looking at these periods, it looks like you've had a couple months in there where you've had much longer times in between periods and then shorter times, so it's entirely possible that why there's so much bleeding, and why you are having cramps, is that what's happening now is your period. Does the flow you're having right now look or feel like it often does/you often do when you have your period?

(Btw, just so you know if it helps you relax at all, given the fluctuation of your cycles like this, an app absolutely could in no way predict your ovulation with any accuracy. This would even be an issue if you were doing your own charting in the ways we know can result in accurate prediction of ovulation.)

[hihihaha]

Right now I'm not having my usual period flow. Currently i only see the blood due to wiping and checking my discharge. The blood i see is inside the discharge. usually before my period the blood would just stick to my underwear but it's not like coming out because of my discharge. (I'm not really sure how to explain it) I also don't really think it's my period but i'm still not very sure.

[Heather]

I think I understand what you're saying.

I still think this may be a lighter period than you're used to, but I also think that we're ultimately just not going to know for sure until you have another couple periods.

In the meantime, since it sounds like you're not in any pain, I think we can assume you don't have an injury, but to play it safe -- and also because it sounds like you don't feel ready for or good during this anyway -- I'd avoid putting anything inside, or having anyone else put something inside, your vagina until the bleeding stops (including tampons).

Do you want help communicating the kind of things I mentioned in my last reply to your partner? And/or help figuring out what you actually do and don't want to do sexually for yourself?

[hihihaha]

Yes please, I struggle a lot with communication. I feel like I just don't want to have sex anymore until I get married so that I don't have any scares

[Heather]

You get to have whatever criteria you want for when sex is right for you and what you need for it to be right.

Obviously, that should always start with only ever doing what you actually want to try or do, and it should also always be a given that whatever you need to do to only take the level of risk you're comfortable with -- whether that's a pregnancy risk, an STI risk, an emotional risk, etc -- is always in the mix. I'd say another criteria to consider should always be a given, for anyone, is that you feel at least comfortable enough with anyone you're sexual with that you feel easily able to say no to things they want for themselves, but you don't want for yourself.

If you also feel like you want to save sex as a whole for a spouse, you get to do that. Sex should always be completely optional, and that includes people only having any kind of sex when it's in the context they want and feel safe with.

But it sounds like right now, you have a boyfriend who does expect you to be sexual with him, and with whom you have a very hard time saying no, so how about we talk about what you want to do when it comes to this relationship? Do you still want to be in a sexual relationship with this person? If not, is there another kind of relationship you want to be in with him? Would you like help figuring out how to figure out what sexual boundaries you want and need *with him* and how to express those clearly, if you do plan to keep seeing him?

[hihihaha]

Hii sorry for the late reply, I do still want to have a sexual relationship with him as I feel like it brings us closer. I just don't want to have penetrative sex anymore. And I told him that. He did say that he still wants to do it with me but if I don't want to it's fine. Honestly I know that the both of us want a slow and calm relationship that allows us to take our time, but it's very hard in my situation.. Because of his religion (Muslim), my parents actually did not want me to be with him and forced me to cut all contact with him before. That really broke me. I understand my parent's reaction but I feel like they never really understood my point of view. I've never really had any friends in highschool and would get so desperate for the slightest interaction every single day. After meeting him online I felt my whole world shifting. I thought that I've finally found someone who actually likes me for who I am. The fact that one day I'd have to convert and change my values just to be with him also makes me sick to my stomach. I really don't want to convert. But I just can't get myself to leave him. He has been so kind and thoughtful and I would never want to hurt him in any way. And because of my situation, I'd have to find excuses to go out and make up lies just so that I can see him. The duration of our meetups are usually not very long so we see these meetups as a chance to do everything we talked about on call. I'm just afraid that I won't be able to see him again so everything is just a big now or never. I feel very awful for lying to my parents, if they ever found out I'm doing all this, I feel like they would feel so hurt and hate me. I love my parents so much but the thought of breaking up with him makes my heart ache. (I'm so sorry for rambling)

About my spotting situation, I actually saw some blood in my discharge again but I guess it's from yesterday because it's lesser and brownish still.

[Heather]

You're not rambling, it's all good.

You know, here's the thing: sex all by itself -- whatever kind -- doesn't bring us closer. To get closer through sex, we have to also really open ourselves up to each other emotionally, and be mutually invested in emotional intimacy. That very much includes only creating a sexual life together that's based in doing things both people feel ready for and actually really want to do for themselves, not just because a partner wants them.

That will mean things like, say, your partner not just needing you to be "okay" with ejaculating on you if that's what he wants, but with you actually wanting that and being about as interested in it as they are.

It also needs to be more than "fine" for you not to want to have intercourse anymore (I don't use the term "penetration" for a bunch of reasons -- happy to explain if you want, but no need if not!) -- instead, he needs to be invested in finding the sexual things you both actually enjoy, and both feel ready for, and be much more invested in that discovery than in doing whatever he wants for himself.

I hear you saying he's been kind and thoughtful: that's great news. Do you also feel like he can learn to bring those same things to your sexual interactions? Because so far, I'm not really seeing that in what you're describing, I'm seeing a lot of just him wanting what he wants and centering his wants in all this. But if he knows how to be that way in other aspects of his life and your relationship, he could certainly learn to do better in the sexual one, he'd just have to be invested in learning to change in that way. I'd be very interested in hearing how he responds to you in a conversation about all of this.

(I also have a new article coming out very soon about sex and obligation that I'll link you up to once it's live: I think it may be helpful for both of you.)

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience with your parents forcing you to cut contact with your boyfriend. That's such a rough thing to have happen -- I've been there before, too -- and I'm also sorry that you feel like you'd have to convert to be with him. You know, you don't, plenty of modern Muslim people have non-Muslim partners -- even spouses -- so I am curious why you feel like that would be something you had to do instead of a choice. Is that something he says he requires of you?

I do also want to mention that staying with someone because we don't want to hurt them is rarely a good reason to stay, because long term, one or both people in the relationship will usually get even more hurt over time in that setup. Staying with someone in a certain kind of relationship, instead, should be about the relationship being beneficial for both of us and making us both happy. If and when it isn't doing that and there doesn't seem like a way it can, staying is just making a commitment to growing misery for both people, truly. We can talk about that more if you want, too.

I strongly advise against lying to your parents, even though I understand that may mean you don't get to see your boyfriend in person for a while while you work things out with them. You're right, if they find out -- and it will be a 'when" not an if, parents almost always do in these situations -- it will be a huge mess, will fracture your relationship with them even more, and will also set them against this relationship ever more. My advice would be to abide by their limits right now, but ask if you all can keep talking about this with the goal of finding ways for you and your boyfriend to see each other that they also approve of so long as you are living with them. And maybe, if your household is very rigid like this, it might make sense for you to focus less on this relationship and more on starting to make a long-term plan to move out so you can have independence from them and make these decisions yourself, you know?

[hihihaha]

I'd like to point out that he actually does care a lot about my pleasure as well. During our first time he kept asking questions and checking on me. He also spent a lot of time trying to pleasure me. I would definitely say that he is the type of person that is always willing to try new things that will benefit the both of us. It is also his first time having a relationship and sex, yet I'm expecting him to take the lead (which is mostly why we did what he wanted). After that he actually asked me how to make me orgasm and is it okay if I teach him. I really want to emphasize that he is genuinely a sweet person and I may have been a bit harsh with my words initially when talking about the experience because I didn't really enjoy it that much. When talking about how it hurts after he said he felt guilty for hurting me.

As for converting, I unfortunately have to convert if I want to marry him in my country. Because according to the religious laws, Muslims can't marry outside their religion unless the other party converts. He has never forced me to convert and respects my boundaries. I think that if he actually marries me without me converting he might get fined or jailed. Furthermore, interracial couples tend to face a lot of judgement especially if it's with a Muslim and non Muslim.

Also, I really look forward to reading your new article!

[Heather]

Thanks for educating me on the cultural aspects of all this where you are. That's always so helpful given we're an internationally-serving organization and it's really hard to keep up with all the particulars of everywhere. I'm so sorry that it's so rigid and restrictive.

I do want to add, though, that it's very common for people your age to have relationships that are loving and wonderful, but that don't lead to marriage or even stay the relationships they are for more than a few years. In fact, what's most common is that most sexual and romantic relationships people are in in their teens and 20s last anywhere from a few months to a few years. And if and when that happens, that doesn't have to mean there was no value in that relationship. I can easily think of a few different relationships in my teens and 20s that were so important for me in different ways, but which ended rather than being lifelong. It may be that you and your current partner find that in time, your difference in religious beliefs means it's best for both of you to shift this to something like a close friendship, and I hope you know that if that's ever the case, that it really can be okay. Two of my exes are literally my very best friends. <3

But we don't have to go there now, and unless you feel like it's only okay for you to be in something sexual/romantic that can lead to marriage, I don't think you need to, either. I think focusing on this relationship -- and everything going on in and around it -- now, as it is in the present, is the way to go.

By all means, sometimes we also want to try things because we don't know if we like them or not, so it's also not like a partner has done us wrong if they ask if we want to try something, and we do and say yes, and then we try it and it turns out we don't like it. That process is often part of finding out what we do and don't like with a given partner, after all.

It does sound like no one taking the lead, but you two sharing the driver's seat could help a whole lot. Same goes for being sure to communicate when things hurt and asking to STOP if and when they do, and being honest about things you try and don't like, or things you don't actually want to try in the first place. You two also might be helped a lot by each filling out one of these: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... -stocklist

This is a tool a lot of therapists and educators use to help people figure out what they really do and don't want sexually, what they are and are not interested in, and what specifics they need around any of that. There are simpler versions than this one, but I think the things this one has others don't really matter, like asking about boundaries. and then looking for the places where you have overlap of things you want, and then talking about this from there?

[hihihaha]

Thank you for sharing the tool with me, I'll make sure to check it out!

I really apologize if this is getting repetitive but today, 21st October I saw brownish pinkish blood in my discharge again and I'm getting really scared. I've been super anxious because I can't even get a test right away and there's a constant reminder that the spotting could potentially mean something. Should I get a consultation at a GP clinic again? And should I test right away when it is October 24th? I really don't know what to do and I feel so hopeless.

[Heather]

Of course.

This isn't getting repetitive, you just continue to have the same issue! Mind you, it is very unlikely this has anything to do with pregnancy. The most common situation with bleeding once someone has become pregnant is a total lack of it not spotting.

I still strongly suspect you've just had a weird period at a weird time, but if you can access that healthcare, it sounds like you'd feel a lot better talking with a healthcare provider about it and getting their input. I don't think you need to test yourself if they can run a test for you, but if you don't want to ask them to do that for some reason, then sure, I see no reason not to take another test if you think that will help you out.

I want to also add that over the decades I have worked with people in pregnancy scares, I've often found that one thing that can make it tough for people to let go of a scare is if they have not had some big talks with the partner they got there with about doing things differently moving on. I can see why that would be an issue, because somewhere inside, then, some part of you is going to stay scared because you haven't set any boundaries or made any agreements with that partner that will at least leave you feeling relieved about not having to keep being scared with future sexual experiences.

So, you might also try having a talk -- it doesn't have to be in person -- with your partner, and making clear that moving forward, that a) you are not comfortable having or ready for intercourse, and b) that from here on out, before doing anything sexual together again, you want to talk about what those things are, make sure they are things you want to do and feel comfortable doing, and if they are, what kind of precautions you need to feel better about any of this moving forward. In the event you're still feeling how you were the other day, like you'd like to save sex for later on, or a different context, period, that'd be the thing to share.

I want to also assure you that we don't need to be sexual to experience and nurture intimacy, and being scared about all of it together can create more of a trauma bond than a bond-bond, anyway. I hear you about wanting closeness with your partner, but in light of how you've been feeling, as well as the current restrictions around your relationship (we can talk about that, too, if you want, given you are of an age where your parents can't actually decide who you see and who you don't), it seems like it might actually be a good time to explore other ways of nurturing and experiencing intimacy besides sex. This piece should be of some help with that: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots. <3

[hihihaha]

Thank you so much Heather, for the advice on sexual relationships and boundaries. I really appreciate it.
I also would like to ask, which pregnancy test is most reliable? Since I will be taking it on the 14th day after sex, and my period is still due on november 5th.

[KierC]

Hi!

The generic pregnancy tests will be just as accurate as the more expensive ones, and they’ll all have the same accuracy if taken after 14 days You can read more about pregnancy tests, including what kinds there are and why, here: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/pregnan ... ancy-tests