Struggling with size insecurity

[iridescentcomet]

Hello, this is my first post. I remember finding this site but I didn't know it had a forum board of sorts as I thought it was only helpful articles. Anyways I thought it would be a decent idea to talk about something that I've been struggling with for a while as well as many others, which is the insecurity of my penis size. I know its a common struggle with many but I guess I just wanted help with how I perceive it. For reference I am single, on the chubbier side, have never been in a relationship, or have had any sort of real experience with someone else. Though sex does interest me as a topic a lot, which I guess is the reason I'm here.

I think the most frustrating part of it is never really being able to come to terms with it. I'm familiar with the statistics of the average size of both the penis and how "deep" the vagina can get (I'm sorry I can't think of a better term rn), how size and penetration is not everything in sex and how most women don't get an orgasm just from penetration, how there is more to a relationship than just sex, how my weight is covering what I can fully see of it, how my stress/anxiety induced ED affects how I perceive it at times, or how porn exaggerates size by a lot, etc. Point is, I can view this from a fully logical perspective on this but it doesn't help me reassure myself much if at all.

I have tried measuring myself, but I don't think I've ever been able to get a fully "accurate" measurement because of my weight and possibly ED, but I think I'm somewhere between 3.5 and 4 inches maybe more but I feel like I'm just coping. And I've had some people try and reassure me by telling me "length isn't everything, girth is more important" but that doesn't really help since I don't have much girth either (I've never measured the circumference to be honest, mostly out of... fear? shame? idk) but I can get a visualization of the average and how mine feels like it doesn't match up. I feel as though it in a weird spot where I know its not a micropenis but I have a feeling its below the below average mark.

The entire thing just frustrates me a lot and I just try to cope to myself by saying that if I lose my extra weight I'll finally get to at least be below average or that maybe I'm somehow a late bloomer and I'll finally get at least a small bit of a growth spurt in my early 20s. Then there's the fact that even if I did end up being in a relationship and having sex and that my potential partner would reassure me that it doesn't matter, I would just think they're lying to me or pitying me. And I know some people would suggest toys and I'm not against that, I would love to bring toys into sex if I could. I think its just the fact that since I have such an interest in sex as a subject, it frustrates me how the one part of my body that was literally "made" for sex can't even do its job well or at least it feels that way.

Anyways if anyone actually ends up reading and replying I am open to replying to your reply with more info.

[Heather]

Hi there, iridescentcomet (what a glorious username!). Welcome to the boards. <3

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so insecure and at odds with your body and your penis, in particular.

I think one of the things you might be missing in all the things you already know about this is that much like cisgender women often really struggle with breast size and shape, despite other people being a lot less judgmental about size and shape variation, the same is often true for cisgender men and penis shape and size. These are largely issues that are really only about a person and their own body, rather than what anyone else truly thinks or will think. With penises, in particular, the group who has always been the group overwhelmingly concerned about size is the group of people who themselves have penises, not people who sexually engage with people with penises. So, I hear you focusing a lot on other people, but I can just about promise you that the person most invested in this, and most concerned, will probably always be you (though I hope that soon enough you, too, can let this go and learn to accept and appreciate your body).

Much like breasts or vulvas and vaginas, penises are not just about sex, even though a lot of people get very focused on those body parts as "sexual" parts. No part of our bodies, really, was "made" for sex any more than our whole bodies were. Sex -- or more to the point, pleasure -- is just one thing our bodies, and any of those parts, can potentially do and experience. Like other parts of the body, including parts like our mouths and hands, that's just one aspect of those body parts, if and when it even is at all (as those parts won't feel sexual for everyone). I think that something that can make the kind of struggle you're having so much harder is only thinking about those body parts as being about sex or sexual appeal -- when we do that with any part of our bodies, or the whole of our bodies, it generally sets us up for a world of struggle, you know? And in your case, presuming your penis can't "do" sex is quite a presumption to be making, particularly since it sounds like you haven't spent much time exploring sex and pleasure yet. What's your relationship with your penis like when it comes to solo sex/masturbation? Does it still feel fraught to you like imagining sex with your penis with a partner does? Do you also struggle to enjoy this part of yourself *with* yourself?

I think that another tricky thing you're dealing with here is imagining theoretical future partners instead of working from experience with actual partners. I think that in the world we all live in where capitalism and related things like white supremacy and diet culture, it's very, very hard to imagine partners who truly love and accept our whole bodies and all their parts without bringing the kind of exacting judgment to them that we've often learned to bring to them ourselves. But I promise you, when we're with people who we are truly connected to and who see us as whole people, including in any kind of sexual relationship, it's a lot easier to feel that acceptance -- and often more than that, enjoyment and appreciation -- in a real way.

And that's one big piece of advice I'd give you. I hear you presuming that your penis is some kind of problem, or is not right in some way, and that the best you're hoping for is a partner who accepts that body part. But that's ground zero, and it's not how it goes with people who are truly excited to be with us, something that never comes just from having a body part that meets some kind of standard. People who are truly excited to be with us tend to enjoy and appreciate the uniqueness of our bodies, and, when we're in a sexual relationship, also enjoy exploring them, enjoy exploring shared pleasure with them, and enjoy finding out the unique ways each of our bodies and all their parts can be together.

I'd also encourage you to remember that "average" is just a mean of everyone's body parts. Average sizes for penises, in any respect, are just the middle of a lot of penises who are on one side of that average, and a lot of penises on the other side. In reality, the "average" isn't a given size, but instead a lotttttttttttttttttt of diversity. There are millions of people with penises who have one the size yours is. It's not weird nor lacking, it's just one of many, many variations.

Can you talk a little bit about where you feel like you've gotten the idea that there's something wrong or lacking about your penis? What kind of ideas about bodies and their parts did you grow up with? What attitudes and ideas about bodies and their parts do you feel like you're soaking in now, and where do you feel like they're coming from?

[iridescentcomet]

Hello Heather, thank you for replying to my post.

To answer your questions "What's your relationship with your penis like when it comes to solo sex/masturbation? Does it still feel fraught to you like imagining sex with your penis with a partner does? Do you also struggle to enjoy this part of yourself *with* yourself?"

1. "What's your relationship with your penis like when it comes to solo sex/masturbation?"

I think I understand this question and I'll try and answer to the best of my ability. I guess its somewhat surface level? I use it in a way that bring me pleasure with a mix of other play with other body parts (nipples, butt, etc.) But I guess I haven't given it too much thought outside of that. In a weird way I sometimes treat it with grace as if it was a person if I'm trying to reassure myself, like I'm not mad at it, I'm mad at myself? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense.

2. "Does it still feel fraught to you like imagining sex with your penis with a partner does?"

Sorry, what do you mean? I'm confused on how to answer this question.

3. "Do you also struggle to enjoy this part of yourself *with* yourself?"

I guess in a sense, yeah. I think it mostly stems from the thought that it "could" be better. Like I said with the previous question if my answer made sense, as much frustration I have with it, I don't blame "it" I blame myself/my genetics. I still get pleasure from it but if I was "satisfied" with it I feel as though I could get more pleasure.


I also did want to reply to something you said which was "People who are truly excited to be with us tend to enjoy and appreciate the uniqueness of our bodies, and, when we're in a sexual relationship, also enjoy exploring them, enjoy exploring shared pleasure with them, and enjoy finding out the unique ways each of our bodies and all their parts can be together." I understand this fully and understand it is true, but even then I struggle to accept it. Maybe its just from a lack of relationship experience. Also I guess to roughly put it in a way my therapist said is I fear as though I can bring my full physical/emotional connection because of it. I don't remember exactly what she said but I'll clarify her perspective when I see her later this week.

And to answer the end of your post, I think it just came from a build up of social commentary on what people think of small penises and how that might apply to me. None of it was ever really directed towards me but hearing what people thought online or hearing people use it as an insult to others kind of just made me absorb it as my thoughts towards myself I guess? For ideas about bodies and their parts that I grew up with, nothing much tbh besides weight and how I need to lose it but that's a whole other can of worms. As for attitudes and ideas, well I acknowledge that everyone's bodies are different and that they need to find what works for them. But for my body, I just keep soaking in the idea that I wish it was more to my liking, but who doesn't.

Also I probably should have mentioned this before but the reason I started feeling like this about my size again is because I went skinny dipping with friends for the first time. It was actually really nice and freeing. They didn't make any negative comments or anything but even then I couldn't help but compare myself to them even when flaccid. As if there was some noticeable difference between me and them, like why couldn't I be more at "their level."

[Heather]

Of course, and thanks for answering my questions.

You don't need me to tell you that growing up with people focused on your weight and soaking in any kind of diet culture can do a real whammy on our body image. I've been there, too, and I'm sorry to hear that's been part of your life experience.

I am hearing you clearly voice the idea that a "better" penis is a bigger penis, and by all means, that's hardly an unusual way to think. But I do think it's important to point out that, like I mentioned earlier, that's something that is primarily thought by people who themselves have penises -- even more so, by cisgender men -- not by the partners of people with a penis, or even by other folks who are decently educated when it comes to this stuff or at least who can recognize that bigger = better is a tired old patriarchal and capitalistic framework to pretty much anything it is applies, penises very much included.

It sounds like you already have the facts when it comes to things like this -- including, I presume, the knowledge that bodily orifices that are often part of the sex people with penises have basically only open as much as the size of what's inside them, and also don't go on forever: in fact, people with very long penises, in particular, often have to learn how to be sexual with partners in ways where they keep some of the length of their penis outside a partner's body because otherwise sex can be unenjoyable for those partners -- so facts obviously won't be the answer here. This is, as you came in very clear on, a mindset issue.

I do think there's some good takeaways from both the fact that when you are not comparing, you can have a decent relationship with your penis, and from the experience you had swimming with friends. Seeing that you were the only one in the group who was being judgmental about your own body at least, I hope, helped illustrated that this isn't really an issue about what other people think, but one about what you think.

I want to try something: how do you think that you might approach a partner with a penis in your future who themselves has the kind of issues with their penis that you do? What do you think you might think about a partner with a penis that looks a lot like yours, and what do you think you might say to them if they voiced the kinds of feelings you are to us to you?

[iridescentcomet]

Hmmmm. Ironically I've never really thought of this scenario before and I'm surprised I haven't.

1. "how do you think that you might approach a partner with a penis in your future who themselves has the kind of issues with their penis that you do?"

The obvious would probably be me empathizing with them, reciprocating feelings, thoughts and whatnot.

2. "What do you think you might think about a partner with a penis that looks a lot like yours, and what do you think you might say to them if they voiced the kinds of feelings you are to us to you?"

I would want to reassure them but I would find it hard to since I myself haven't reconciled with those same issues. I wouldn't hate them or their penis because of it, and I don't think I would view them in a negative light because of it.

Honestly I'm kinda stumped here. Like I said, I wouldn't view them or their body negatively because of it. I'm with them for a reason, no? Because I love them and their body. But how am I supposed to help someone with the same issue as me when I haven't even found peace within me over that issue? All I feel like I could really do is be there for them or maybe try and navigate it together since we're in the same boat. I'm sorry I don't have the best of answers here.

[Heather]

It wasn't an assignment, so I assure you, there's no best or worst here. I just want to see what happens for you if you think about this in some different ways. Sometimes, if we can change the context of our thoughts, we can see some things we might not otherwise, or think differently than we have been.

Do you think that you, yourself would feel like that partner's penis was a problem for you as a partner, even if it looked like yours? What about if you had a partner with breasts who felt they were not as good because they were not bigger breasts? My sense is that you're a sensitive and smart person who, if this was about someone else, would have a much easier time believing that bigger does not equal better, and who probably wouldn't even consider other people's body parts in this light unless something about them activated your own insecurities about yours. <3

It sounds like your friends are people you like: do you happen to know if any of them do have or have had any body image issues of any kind? I ask because I'm wondering if perhaps a body image buddy, of sorts, where you could each get support from the other when/as you're feeling negative about your bodies or their parts might be something you think could be helpful to you (and to them, which is always a nice things with help, I think, when it can be mutual, so you don't have to feel like you're asking someone for something they don't also benefit from in some way).