I’m looking for any discussion around this, Idk if this is the spot. Idk if there can be any actual advice that can be given other than just work on being better. So any sort of feedback would be great, maybe i’m not seeing where i’m lacking.
Background: I struggle to know what my “label” is, so i don’t really use them. I guess technically I’d be a lesbian but I still question it due to my lack of experiences and media i favor. Like I like hot men and fictional media about them or even adult written media featuring men, but when it comes to real life I get so put off.
Anyway, I struggle to be excited for other women/girls who are going on dates with men. I feel really mean when it comes up but I just can’t help it.
I can pretend/ embellish, or get try my best to excited for them just because I love them
But like I wonder if there’s something I can learn to be better? Practice is helping… sorta.
I don’t know, maybe i don’t want to think about my sisters and close girl-friends engaging with men, or feeling attraction to men. Or being wanted by men.
1. I honestly just feel zero or feel a bit of repulsion
2. I think it is a direct mirror showing me how I am different and makes me feel I am “missing” something.
3. I am still trying to learn about women’s pleasure and liberation this year. Though , It doesn’t help that the these women feel it from men. It’s like their joy and pleasure is coming from something I have no desire nor interest in and it’s hard to connect with them about it.
4. Also with my gay friends have different personality, everyone’s chill about who they’re into and going on dates. When it comes to the straight women it’s like they are soo over the top with how cute or wonderful this guy they met yesterday is. Like I just don’t get it i feel so mean and I can’t match their energy the way they want me to. I guess I feel that men shouldn’t have this huge glamour effect on them because I don’t feel that about them.
I feel like i’m always thinking “well im glad because you’re glad” but I don’t actually care about the situation.
I sound like a man hater, I am not, It is literally only when the subject of Attraction, desire, and sex come up abt Men and Women.
Social Skills (error 404!)lol
Forum rules
We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.
Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.
Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.
Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.
Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
-
Latha
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 1427
- Joined: Sat May 22, 2021 8:13 am
- Age: 23
- My primary language: English
- My pronouns: they/she/he
- My sexual identity and orientation: Queer
- Location: USA/India
Re: Social Skills (error 404!)lol
Hi Preble,
Though it is kind to be supportive of other people's joy, you are still allowed to recognize that you don't have particular investment in relationships with men--don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way that you do.
Time and practice may be what will help ultimately, but we can still talk: I wonder if working through some of the mixed feelings you have about men and dating might make it easier to find less complicated happiness in the happiness of your friends.
Here are some questions: (answer whichever ones feel answerable)
Though it is kind to be supportive of other people's joy, you are still allowed to recognize that you don't have particular investment in relationships with men--don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way that you do.
Time and practice may be what will help ultimately, but we can still talk: I wonder if working through some of the mixed feelings you have about men and dating might make it easier to find less complicated happiness in the happiness of your friends.
Here are some questions: (answer whichever ones feel answerable)
- So, these women you know are attracted to men and wanted by them. What does that mean for them and their relationships? Does it feel like it implies something about them?
- I'm curious about why it feels like your friends being in relationships with men makes you feel like you are missing something. If you picture it, what do they have that you don't by dating a man? (Security and social approval, perhaps? Or something else?)
- If you think on it a little, does anything come to mind for why different (neutral) has become different (negative) here?
- Do you have any close connections with men?
- If you think about feeling put off when it comes to real life men, what thoughts come to mind? Does this only happen romantically/sexually, or in other situations as well?
-
Preble
- not a newbie
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Sat Jun 07, 2025 2:56 am
- Age: 20
- My primary language: english
- My pronouns: she/her
- My sexual identity and orientation: Lesbian
- Location: nv
Re: Social Skills (error 404!)lol
I'm curious about why it feels like your friends being in relationships with men makes you feel like you are missing something. If you picture it, what do they have that you don't by dating a man? (Security and social approval, perhaps? Or something else?)
Definitely social approval.
It's less about being in the relationship, and more about the pursuit. I dont mind and I do have fun hanging out with these women and their boyfriends, I dont mind them showing any affection/PDA, at all. I feel neutral, I literally dont mind. Though sexual conversations do gross me out a bit but probably just cause I know these people and rather not think of anyone I know engaging in sex.
I feel like I am missing the part of me that is supposed to light up in a conversation like that. We will get approached by a man and he's asking for her number, I just feel really repulsed like he shouldnt even impose on our time, and then I find out she actually is really excited and thought he was cute. My brain doesnt even register if the man was cute or not so I have to be like ohhhhhh yes how wonderful. All I saw was someone who only started a conversation for his gain, but I have to realize that she is gaining something too, the opportunity to connect with someone. Its just hard and new for me. I guess I just dont care that he “worked up the courage to say something” and feel more that he shouldnt even look at me/us with eyes that want anything more than a platonic conversation. And then I ended up being like a cockblocker/not a good wingman by accidentally ruining the vibe.
If you think on it a little, does anything come to mind for why different (neutral) has become different (negative) here?
“Different” has come from neutral to negative because I am having real people/girls look at me waiting for my reaction and I have nothing to give. I feel that I am receiving a low grade on a test.
I wrote this post because today my faults were directly called out. My sister was telling me about how they ran into someone and how the boy was so shy, cute, and how nervous he was to speak to her. Just how adorable!!
These descriptions that are getting her all giddy just make me like “ehhhhhhhh” Like I can't fake getting giddy when my stomach is starting to turn. And so she was like “are you asexual like oh my god”. I said no, I just kind of shrug, we move on, later in the conversation I try to overcompensate. I tried to get excited with her, I asked questions, what is she going to wear on the date, oh my gosh I hope it's this, that, etc, idk. Asked for more descriptions of what he looked like which kind of helped get me more smiley I guess.
It's hard to ooh and ahh at things that are not ooh and ahh.
From this conversation I hope you get a better understanding of the type of girls I am around. Like I am gay but we are only really starting to speak about romantic/sexual things now that she is trying to meet more men and go on dates. She calls me asexual because I can't get ecstatic over a man. Which that doesnt even make sense. Like I get she was joking but like… it's just frustrating for the women to not understand me and expect me to be like them. She doesnt make me change, knows I am gay but like you'd think she'd stop expecting it by now.So this is where I had to write this post, I need help getting a better balance with these women so that It doesnt have to be a harsh obvious change in my face when pleasure being received by men comes up. Even non sexual pleasure, like its lame. I feel like their joy could be so much better if it wasnt wasted on a man, but that is not how that works, they like men. I also feel like I see a lot of male validation in it, and I need to reframe that. Not every time theyre excited about a man is simply a need of external validation, but it's hard not to see that way when I have a baseline zero care for what a man thinks of me. (in a sexual/ romantic way)
Do you have any close connections with men?
Yes, I think highly of these men and do care what they think of me. I have my brothers and my other sisters' husbands. My best friend is a man but is gay so we see eye to eye on these things. I had close relationships with boys in the past who I think so fondly of and they were just the sweetest things. I am now meeting more men regularly and meeting men with good intentions who do not ask for phone numbers and they are always wonderful. We dont start up about romantic prospects. It is always about the events we’re at or our lives. Getting out more often and meeting these guys is definitely helping my perception of men for sure. I also spend a lot of time with my brother and his girlfriend.
If you think about feeling put off when it comes to real life men, what thoughts come to mind? Does this only happen romantically/sexually, or in other situations as well?
The only thought in my mind is “ew.” It is really only in romantic/sexual situations. I am put off when it's a boy I dont know, and the conversation around him is only romantic/sexual. Previously I said, I have to remember that these girls and men are looking for human connection. It neutralizes my feelings a bit.
I guess it is the gender and the male body. Then add a girl being sexually/romantically interested in the male. I just go yuck.
So theyre looking at me and I cant help but yuck their yum! Its written on my face!
How do I not get weirded out by women that are genuinely attracted to men, when I cannot relate. I do not get their attraction to men or wanting them to touch you or perceive you. It makes me cringe. My cringing makes it hard to be happy for the women speaking about their attraction cause im seeing it at face value instead of being glad for a woman being happy.
Lastly, I think there is a pedestal difference as well. Like I was very excited the other day to be complimented by this girl but that was just a plus, these girls make a compliment from a man a huge deal. Then, I am expected to match their energy but I just dont really care as much as they do.
Definitely social approval.
It's less about being in the relationship, and more about the pursuit. I dont mind and I do have fun hanging out with these women and their boyfriends, I dont mind them showing any affection/PDA, at all. I feel neutral, I literally dont mind. Though sexual conversations do gross me out a bit but probably just cause I know these people and rather not think of anyone I know engaging in sex.
I feel like I am missing the part of me that is supposed to light up in a conversation like that. We will get approached by a man and he's asking for her number, I just feel really repulsed like he shouldnt even impose on our time, and then I find out she actually is really excited and thought he was cute. My brain doesnt even register if the man was cute or not so I have to be like ohhhhhh yes how wonderful. All I saw was someone who only started a conversation for his gain, but I have to realize that she is gaining something too, the opportunity to connect with someone. Its just hard and new for me. I guess I just dont care that he “worked up the courage to say something” and feel more that he shouldnt even look at me/us with eyes that want anything more than a platonic conversation. And then I ended up being like a cockblocker/not a good wingman by accidentally ruining the vibe.
If you think on it a little, does anything come to mind for why different (neutral) has become different (negative) here?
“Different” has come from neutral to negative because I am having real people/girls look at me waiting for my reaction and I have nothing to give. I feel that I am receiving a low grade on a test.
I wrote this post because today my faults were directly called out. My sister was telling me about how they ran into someone and how the boy was so shy, cute, and how nervous he was to speak to her. Just how adorable!!
These descriptions that are getting her all giddy just make me like “ehhhhhhhh” Like I can't fake getting giddy when my stomach is starting to turn. And so she was like “are you asexual like oh my god”. I said no, I just kind of shrug, we move on, later in the conversation I try to overcompensate. I tried to get excited with her, I asked questions, what is she going to wear on the date, oh my gosh I hope it's this, that, etc, idk. Asked for more descriptions of what he looked like which kind of helped get me more smiley I guess.
It's hard to ooh and ahh at things that are not ooh and ahh.
From this conversation I hope you get a better understanding of the type of girls I am around. Like I am gay but we are only really starting to speak about romantic/sexual things now that she is trying to meet more men and go on dates. She calls me asexual because I can't get ecstatic over a man. Which that doesnt even make sense. Like I get she was joking but like… it's just frustrating for the women to not understand me and expect me to be like them. She doesnt make me change, knows I am gay but like you'd think she'd stop expecting it by now.So this is where I had to write this post, I need help getting a better balance with these women so that It doesnt have to be a harsh obvious change in my face when pleasure being received by men comes up. Even non sexual pleasure, like its lame. I feel like their joy could be so much better if it wasnt wasted on a man, but that is not how that works, they like men. I also feel like I see a lot of male validation in it, and I need to reframe that. Not every time theyre excited about a man is simply a need of external validation, but it's hard not to see that way when I have a baseline zero care for what a man thinks of me. (in a sexual/ romantic way)
Do you have any close connections with men?
Yes, I think highly of these men and do care what they think of me. I have my brothers and my other sisters' husbands. My best friend is a man but is gay so we see eye to eye on these things. I had close relationships with boys in the past who I think so fondly of and they were just the sweetest things. I am now meeting more men regularly and meeting men with good intentions who do not ask for phone numbers and they are always wonderful. We dont start up about romantic prospects. It is always about the events we’re at or our lives. Getting out more often and meeting these guys is definitely helping my perception of men for sure. I also spend a lot of time with my brother and his girlfriend.
If you think about feeling put off when it comes to real life men, what thoughts come to mind? Does this only happen romantically/sexually, or in other situations as well?
The only thought in my mind is “ew.” It is really only in romantic/sexual situations. I am put off when it's a boy I dont know, and the conversation around him is only romantic/sexual. Previously I said, I have to remember that these girls and men are looking for human connection. It neutralizes my feelings a bit.
I guess it is the gender and the male body. Then add a girl being sexually/romantically interested in the male. I just go yuck.
So theyre looking at me and I cant help but yuck their yum! Its written on my face!
How do I not get weirded out by women that are genuinely attracted to men, when I cannot relate. I do not get their attraction to men or wanting them to touch you or perceive you. It makes me cringe. My cringing makes it hard to be happy for the women speaking about their attraction cause im seeing it at face value instead of being glad for a woman being happy.
Lastly, I think there is a pedestal difference as well. Like I was very excited the other day to be complimented by this girl but that was just a plus, these girls make a compliment from a man a huge deal. Then, I am expected to match their energy but I just dont really care as much as they do.
-
KierC
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 923
- Joined: Tue Mar 12, 2024 2:10 pm
- Age: 29
- My Awesomeness Quotient: I can and will reupholster anything
- My primary language: English
- My pronouns: She/they
- My sexual identity and orientation: Queer
- Location: Chicago, IL
Re: Social Skills (error 404!)lol
Hi Preble!
It sounds like you get a bit of the ick when hearing your friends talk about attraction towards and excitement about men. From reading what you’ve shared, I’m getting the impression some of the discomfort comes from unfamiliarity (which is understandable, by the way. Personal experience is a huge part of how everyone comes to form their opinions). I also hear you saying that you’ve been able to help yourself feel a bit less negatively about it, and that your perspective is changing now that you have more interactions with men.
I’ll say, you should never be expected to emote the way someone wants you to. If you’re not feeling super giddy hearing about romantic interest regarding a guy, that’s okay! Have you tried mentioning how you feel to these friends? Would you feel comfortable doing that?
I’m wondering, too, if it might feel good to be in community with other people your age who don’t have a romantic or sexual interest in men. Have you considered looking for queer communities or clubs in person to meet people who might talk more about stuff you like talking about?
I think you’re on the right track with reminding yourself that this can be good for others but not your thing, and that doesn’t make other people’s thing weird or bad. If you continue to remind yourself of that when you feel this icky feeling come up, it may get easier to celebrate your friend’s joy without being overwhelmed by your personal feelings about it. Know what I mean?
It sounds like you get a bit of the ick when hearing your friends talk about attraction towards and excitement about men. From reading what you’ve shared, I’m getting the impression some of the discomfort comes from unfamiliarity (which is understandable, by the way. Personal experience is a huge part of how everyone comes to form their opinions). I also hear you saying that you’ve been able to help yourself feel a bit less negatively about it, and that your perspective is changing now that you have more interactions with men.
I’ll say, you should never be expected to emote the way someone wants you to. If you’re not feeling super giddy hearing about romantic interest regarding a guy, that’s okay! Have you tried mentioning how you feel to these friends? Would you feel comfortable doing that?
I’m wondering, too, if it might feel good to be in community with other people your age who don’t have a romantic or sexual interest in men. Have you considered looking for queer communities or clubs in person to meet people who might talk more about stuff you like talking about?
I think you’re on the right track with reminding yourself that this can be good for others but not your thing, and that doesn’t make other people’s thing weird or bad. If you continue to remind yourself of that when you feel this icky feeling come up, it may get easier to celebrate your friend’s joy without being overwhelmed by your personal feelings about it. Know what I mean?
-
- Similar Topics
- Replies
- Views
- Last post
-
- 7 Replies
- 1101 Views
-
Last post by Kimctv