Mixed about my Sexual Desires

[insert_username]

Ive been feeling a sort of way about this for a while, especially as it clashes a tad with my aromanticism/asexuality. I don't doubt that I don't feel sexual or romantic attraction because I went about 18 years of my life before any sex things ever appealed to me, and romance is just something I actually forget about sometimes until someone brings it up. I think now I just have more libido.
But I really really want to feel pleasure i think. Like perhaps that's a bit selfish and I feel like it conflicts with my desire for genuine connection as a whole but I think I just feel a yearning to have sex without the whole person bit or the attraction bit, just so I can maybe experience a new level of sexual pleasure or something.
It just feels so great and I'd love to have a new range of experiences to draw from or figuring out what makes my body tick. Its both so interesting and yet I weirdly feel like there's more to life than pleasure i should be chasing, like real people. It kind of feels weird to think of a person that is real in any fantasy. Maybe that's why I attach myself more to fictional characters. Even real life porn stuff I've seen just doesnt hit the same as art rendition of characters of media i like doing it.

Like what genuinely gets me off the most is the concept of someone invisible [no gender] helping me in some way, but idk how to categorize that. Like is that what one night stands and hookups tend to achieve? Because that weirdly feels like I'm at some all time low if I ever truly named it that way. Sounds weirdly pathetic like as if I've exhausted other options, even though I know the ones im aware of dont interest me.
I don't want a sexual relationship where i have to depend on one person i am continuously attracted to. That has never happened. All my "sessions" have spawned from looking at good enough fictional character nsfw material and things [which has led to discovering some interests i didnt know i had], and any singular person ive never felt any way for where i [as far as i know sex attraction] want their body or something. Or to be sexual around one person or anyone.

Even if i did figure to try this stuff as a brief hookup thing, where would I even go to DO that is the better question. Like if thats within jurisdiction to answer that could be interesting but idk.

I sort of end up in this thought cycle every time I masturbate and I never quite know what to do about it or how to figure out what I want and need.
And I've ended up turning to ut a bit more often than I usually do (not helped that I made a seperate social media for nsfw, but I dont post pics or anything its mostly just for storage of art from other pplor shitposts.)
And I feel like im sinking further into something weird even tho I dont do it often enough to "be addicted" because its gone from 1 time every two weeks to 1-3 every few days.... idk maybe im just yearning to be happy i dont know.