Am I Experiencing Gender Dysphoria?

[Seraph]

I've recently made a post on this board about not feeling very happy with how I look (and I do apologize if I made this thread too soon after my previous thread I just thought it would be better if this was its own topic). I've been giving it more thought since I first posted the topic and I have been wondering if what I am feeling can be described as gender dysphoria. I apologize if what I am about to write is really messy or does not make any sense I have been very stressed out over this today and I am somewhat overwhelemed with stuff at the moment.

I've never been able to pinpoint what about me feels so "off" when it comes to me feeling ugly. I can't really point to one trait in particular that I feel bad about I just always have been unhappy with how I look in general. There are a few things about myself that I believe I would prefer if it looked more steryotypically feminine (I apologize if anything in this post comes off as steryotypical). I've always liked having longer hair and I really dislike it when I am pressured to cut it short. I also have always felt weird about my hands. Its hard to explain but I've always just thought that more feminine looking hands looked better than masculine ones.

I believe that I may enjoy wearing some typically feminine clothes more than typically masculine ones, such as dresses or corsets.

Lastly, I have always had a dislike for what is seen as typically "masculine" in society. I've never liked sports or wanted to be super strong or anything. I know that there are tons of guys like that but I've never really vibed with most stuff that society expects men to be into. I've always seen a "female friendship" as something more desireable than a "male friendship".

I do have some doubts about this however. I've never really had any extreme thoughts of unhappiness with being my current gender that I have read that some people online do. My biggest worry that I have is that non of these thoughts that I am having are "real". Its kinda hard for me to explain what I feel, but part of me is worried that what I have talked about in this thread so far are simply thoughts created by my mind to give me something to believe in that would make me more "interesting" (I do not mean that I believe that transgender people are attention seekers I just worry that my mind is making me think I may be experience gender dysphoria because it would somehow make me more unique in a way). This has been causing me some trouble because I worry that the answers any question about my gender that I ask myself are biased in some way and I am having a hard time telling if what I am feeling is real or not.

I've also never really had any discomfort with my genitals. I have wondered a few times before about what it would be like to have femal genitals and I have never been super bothered by the idea of having them. I know not all transgender people feel that way about their genitals I just wanted to throw it out there as well.

I really do apologize if anything I wrote in here is offensive or steyoptyipical of trans people or women. I have been wondering this for a bit now and I just would like to know if these are common thoughts that people with gender dysphoria have.

[Latha]

Hi Seraph!

No worries, it is not too soon to make a new thread. And also, your explanation of your feelings does make sense. It is okay to be unsure of what to make of them--we can try to think through your concerns together.

Here are some initial ideas:

There are a few things about myself that I believe I would prefer if it looked more steryotypically feminine (I apologize if anything in this post comes off as steryotypical)

Making sure we don't fall unto harmful or limiting stereotypes is a worthy goal, and finding the best language to communicate that is a work in progress--I understand what you mean, so no need to apologize. I'm hearing that there are a couple of features commonly associated with femininity that you'd like to have, like long hair. You've described them as feminine too--if I may ask, is that language that you like identifying with? Would you feel good thinking of your body/actions/self as feminine, or being thought of as feminine by other people?

(One way to be sensitive to the nuances of gender is to separate physical features and the gendered meanings we attach to them. You might for example, name the specific anatomy of genitals (e.g. vulva) instead of using 'female genitals'--again, I get what you mean, but it is an imprecise shorthand.)

part of me is worried that what I have talked about in this thread so far are simply thoughts created by my mind to give me something to believe in that would make me more "interesting"

I'd like to suggest that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be interesting, and that having that (very common) motivation doesn't have to discredit your wonderings about your gender. My guess is that there are many interesting things in the world that you would not want for yourself--the fact that you are thinking about femininity justifies examining your gender.

At this point, you've noticed some things about yourself that give you opportunities--to try new clothes, presentations, or ways of relating to yourself and other people. Actually experiencing what it is like to do the things you are curious about will give you a lot more information about what would work for you, gender-wise. Your feelings could very well be a result of gender dysphoria, or they might not, but this isn't a theoretical exercise where you have to worry about bias leading you astray--it is practical. The only person your gender exploration would really affect is you, so the only question that matters is whether your gender (and presentation) feels comfortable to you and makes you happy.

Not all trans people start out with clearly identifiable thoughts of unhappiness about their gender. But choosing to present differently is a neutral action. You wouldn't have to reach a particular state of extreme unhappiness and suffering before you, for example, transition. You'd just have to feel the effects of transition are worth it to you.

What do you think of this so far?

[Seraph]

Thank you so much for responding to me.

I would not be bothered by being labeled as feminine, however I suppose I don't really know how it would make me feel since I don't really have experience being refered to as a woman. I've been thinking more about my looks, and I do like a lot of typically feminine ways of dressing and styling however I wonder if the reason I like female expression more than male expression is because I am attracted to women and not because I would be happier if I was a woman.

Another thing I thought about is a reoccuring fantasy of having a femal friend who offers to dress me like a woman and do my make-up. Again I can't really tell if this is me wanting to be more feminine or if I am attracted to how women look so I instictivly think feminine looks are more "desirable".

To respond to your question, I would like to try and see what I feel like if I were to express myself differently but I don't know where to start. I worry that if I ask a friend or somebody close to me to refer to me with she/her pronouns and I end up not really liking it that it would be very awkaward for me to tell them to go back to he/him pronouns when refering to me.
I really want to try wearing a cute dress, but I don't know how to go about it. I don't feel comfortable with my parents knowing that I am experimenting with how I dress even though they are pretty progressive people. I'm afraid of buying and trying on a dress in a public store because of public judgement and I am afraid of ordering something online because I doubt my parents will respect my privacy about what I ordered even if I tell them that it is private and I don't want them to know.

[Latha]

Hello Seraph,

Thank you for your considered response!

I wonder if the reason I like female expression more than male expression is because I am attracted to women and not because I would be happier if I was a woman.

I would like to point out that plenty of men are attracted to women and do not have the slightest interest in female expression for themselves--for a lot of those people, the thought would repel them because it would feel incongruent with their gender. You have good reasons to explore this further, as things are now.

Another thing I thought about is a reoccuring fantasy of having a femal friend who offers to dress me like a woman and do my make-up.

I wish you had that--trying a whole new way of dressing and being can get confusing or overwhelming, and it is nice to have help. Do you have any friends who might be familiar with the conventions of women's dress and style, and who are supportive of trans people?

I worry that if I ask a friend or somebody close to me to refer to me with she/her pronouns and I end up not really liking it that it would be very awkaward for me to tell them to go back to he/him pronouns when refering to me.

I can see why this situation might feel awkward. Would it help to be upfront about the fact that you are exploring things, and are not sure? Lots of people who are open to transness go through periods where they try different pronouns--anyone who is reasonably familiar with the concept shouldn't judge you.

Too, it is not the same, but you could also adjust the pronouns in your profile here (we wouldn't mind any changes you make), and try a pronoun and name testing site like this one: https://chocolate-pancake.github.io/pro ... mestester/

I really want to try wearing a cute dress, but I don't know how to go about it.

Each of your worries are understandable. If I had it my way, I'd snap my fingers and make public judgement disappear forever. I am sorry to hear that you can't expect your parents to respect your privacy as well.

I wonder if you have a friend who would be open to receiving packages for you and who wouldn't pry--do you think you could have a package sent to someone else's place?

Too, do you know whether there are any LGBTQ community centers near where you live? Sometimes, such places have community closets to help trans and questioning people find clothing and explore new styles--you could reliably expect support if you visited.

[Seraph]

Thank you so much for responding!!!

Sadly, I don't really have any in person friends. I have always found it very hard to socialize with others and I don't have anybody in person who I can really go to for something like this. I do have a few online friends who I can talk to. There are also no LGBTQ community centers near me, but if I ever come across a place like that I will give it a chance.

I've done some looking around on the internet and came across this website https://genderdysphoria.fyi/. I don't know if its a trustworthy source or not, but after doing a lot of reading there are many, many experiences listed here that I found that I related too. In a lot of ways it made me feel like I was finally understood a lot of the feelings that I've had in my life. However, I really fear that all of the ways that I relate to some of the stuff on there may just be a series of coincidences.

As I've said before, I've never really enjoyed a lot of things that are seen as masculine for people my age (19). I've always felt a discomfort with athletics in particular (obviously there are a lot of women who enjoy playing sports however whenever I've been invited to play a sport with other guys I just never really enjoyed the idea of doing that). I'm always worrried about being percieved doing stuff typically seen as guy stuff.

To be honest, I'm just really scared. I've always felt that I've been an observer in my life and never the one directly in control and I am starting to wonder if this is the reason why. I know that there are all sorts of reasons why somebody may feel that. But if I am realy experiencing gender dysphoria, I'm just really scared of what happens next. I know that the only person who can answer this question is me, but I would love to have some advice on where to start, even if its a small thing.

[amber]

Hi Seraph!

I totally hear you on these overwhelming feelings as you discover more and more connections to the feeling of gender dysphoria or gender questioning. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to take some slow but measurable steps to 'test' your feelings. As Latha mentioned, this journey is not a sprint and taking time is nothing to be ashamed of.

How would it sound to connect with an online friend regarding your desire to try out she/her pronouns? My personal gender journey started by trying pronouns on in an environment which I knew would be excepting of my exploration - which for me was also online!

How do you feel about makeup? I ask because makeup is usually a little easier to hide/conceal and may hold less worry for you than say a dress but also can allow you to play with femininity in a creative way. No pressure, just a thought!

[Seraph]

I have thought about contacting some of my online friends and it is certainly not something I am opposed too, however I would feel like im putting a lot of weight onto them by including them in this. Also, like I mentioned earlier im worried about what they would think of me if I end up not feeling good about it. I suppose that is just a fear I have to work through.

When it comes to make up it is something I would like to try, but I dont know the first thing about it. Buying it would be tough since I dont know what to get plus I dont know where I would conceal it. I definitely dont want to take any of my mother's makeup without her permission since it belongs to her. My only other worry is about when ill put it on. I dont have a mirror in my room so I would have to do it in the bathroom unless I buy a mirror (though I really do not like looking at my reflection and I would have nowhere to put it). With all that said I would really like to try putting on some makeup, do you uave any advice on where I can start with that?

[amber]

I do understand your fear about putting some sort of burden onto your friends. My intuition is that they would be more than happy to help you! What if you tell them exactly what you are feeling - that you maybe want to try some things but do not know if they'll stick. That way there is no pressure or expectation. Are any of your friends queer themselves? If they are, I am so sure they will be understanding of your journey.

Makeup can also seem pretty intimidating but I actually think it is a much easier thing to try and hide. You do not need a whole face full of products to experiment and you can go to sooo many stores to buy products which are pretty low price. All of that makes me see makeup as lower pressure. What if you started with 1 item, like a lipgloss? It would be easy to take with you in the bathroom to try on right before you shower and no one would know besides you. How does that sound?

[Seraph]

I do have some queer friends including a few trans women (though I would feel weird asking a trans girl to help me I feel like I would be reducing them to just a trans person I can ask for help from and not a human being with their own will that just happens to be transgender). I just dont know how to approach them about something like this.

I definitely like the idea of trying lipgloss on. Next time I have the chance ill look for something at the store that feels right for me.

[amber]

Instead of jumping to conclusions about how your friends may feel you need to just ask and trust that, if they do not have the capacity, they will say no. It can be as simple as , 'hey would you be willing to talk through something personal with me?' and see where that goes.

I am so glad the lipgloss sounds like a doable step for you! You can let us know how it goes if you would like too!

[Seraph]

Im still really into the idea of trying lip gloss, however the more ive thought about it the more I realized that I dont even know how or where I should buy it. Is there anything I should be on the lookout for when buying lipgloss? Also do you know what places would he good for me to look for it?

[Becky]

Hey Seraph!

There's plenty of stores where you can find tons of fun lip-gloss and all kinds of makeup-- Sephora, Ulta, CVS, Walgreens, Target, TJ Max... basically any pharmacy or grocery store is going to have at least a small beauty section. Even the dollar store will have some. If you're looking for a personal recommendation, I've had a lot of luck with NYX products (I get mine at Ulta). Their stuff is pretty good quality and not crazy expensive.

There's really nothing specific to be on the lookout for unless you know you are allergic to something specific. Some lip-glosses might use things like almond oil which some people are allergic to. Otherwise, just find a color you're excited about and try it out! You can always search Reddit or Pinterest for some color inspiration

Makeup is just a form of self-expression. There's no rules and no right answer. So have fun with it!

[Seraph]

Hello!

I wanted to write a quick update.

I was finally able to get some lip gloss today and I tried it on before I took a shower. to be honest I don't really know how to feel about it. I deffinetly did not hate it and I thought I looked somewhat good in it though I also didn't really feel any strong emotion in the other direction. To be fair I picked a transparent gloss because I didn't really know what would look good and I liked the way it made my lips shine. I'm still interested in experimenting with a few other things.

Part of me is second guessing these thoughts. To be honest, I don't feel like I can really trust myself with how I feel about this kind of stuff. I worry that a part of me is only feeling this way about these things because I have read so much about it that it is running into a confirmation bias issue where I assume my issues are cause by one thing just beacuse I know a little bit about it (sorry if this reads weird I'm somewhat tired lol)

I've always felt like a spectator in life. I've never really felt like I've been in control of myself before, and that the actions I take aren't really under my control I just experience the things that I do which is why I have some distrust towards this line of thinking.

one thing I wanted to ask is how common is it for cisgender people to question their gender? I've heard some people say that it is pretty common while others say that it is nothing more than a fleeting thought for most cis people. Obviously I know not everybody is the same so there is no concrete answer but I was wondering if you had a general idea of how common these thoughts are.

Another thing I would like to ask is if you have any advice for what I could try next? again I apologize if this doesn't read the best I am tired while writing, as usual.

[Latha]

Hi Seraph,

Congratulations on taking this step to explore! It is okay if you don't feel especially strong emotions about it, but I am glad to hear that you liked the lip glass.

(sorry if this reads weird I'm somewhat tired lol)

No worries, your explanation doesn't read weird. Your fears seem understandable to me.

Here are some of my thoughts:

how common is it for cisgender people to question their gender?

I'm not sure I can say how common gender questioning is among cis people, so I will leave that for someone else to weigh in. However, (and you can disagree) I want to suggest that whether the average person who questions their gender decides that they are cis may not give you helpful information about your situation.

For one, it does oversimplify: cis and transgender are the widest general categories with so much internal variation: two cis people may have radically different experiences of gender. Gender exploration frees everyone from the confines of expression and being that they don't actually choose. If the only outcome of this experiment was that you understood yourself more, or if you occasionally just wore lip gloss on a whim, it would still be worth it.

Secondly, how other people commonly feel cannot substitute for finding out how you feel. You might not be doing this, but I want to caution against a line of reasoning that goes: 80% of people who question their gender are not trans (I am making up that number) > Given how uncommon it is, I need a high (in practice: potentially unreachable) standard of evidence and I should not trust how I feel in the moment > If most other people are not trans, I am probably not trans. It is okay if you decide transition isn't for you, but I want to assure you that it is an option--one that is, as I said before, neutral. If a different conception of your gender feels good to you, then it is yours.

where I assume my issues are cause by one thing just because I know a little bit about it

Well, I'll say that it is fair to examine the things that trouble you to see whether being trans might explain them, and I also see why you would want to be careful about making assumptions. I appreciate that you are trying for a measured approach! All the same, I want to ask if you can find any other motivations to explore your gender. Could this be about more than the problems (solving them, fixing something about yourself)? Do you think it could be worth it to explore if it might help you become more comfortable, whatever you decide in the end?

Ultimately, I'm not sure there are many decisions you could make here that are not ultimately manageable if you change your mind. And you are allowed to change your mind at any point--you are not beholden to anyone other than yourself.

What do you think?

As for advice on what you could try next:

• Basic body care products are often gendered. Take a look around an aisle in a store. Is there anything that jumps out to you? Would you like to try a scent or product that is less common in the men's section?

• You mentioned that you like 'feminine-looking' hands. You might try a simple at home manicure/buffing your nails with one of those nail-buffing blocks (if you are unfamiliar, do a search for those words and it should turn up). Or, you could look into nail polish. The lowest key option would be a transparent clear coat.

• Are there any feminine accessories/jewelry that you've admired before? Would you look into buying a piece for yourself at some point?

• Is there any body language/positioning common among women that feels compelling to you? You could try to consciously adopt it to see how you feel. I'd tentatively recommend doing this without a mirror, at least at first. The way you would feel seeing yourself is not the same question as how you would feel existing in a body that moves differently.

• Do you play games/RPGs? Would you consider playing as a girl?

• Have you read our article on Gender Journaling?

[Seraph]

Thanks for the advice! There are deffinetly a few things I would like to try. Next time I'm shopping I'll make sure to take a look in the womens body care section. My nails have always been something I have wanted to do however I really do worry that it would be hard to hide anything I do to them. When it comes to body langauge I've always liked sitting with my legs crossed in a way that is usually seen as feminine however that can get uncomfortable after a while for the obvious reasons. I love to play games and I am totally down to try customizing my character as a girl (though tbh most of the games I want to play next don't have indepth character cusomization).

my biggest worry is still not being able to trust what I am thinking. I have had a lot of second guessing and like I said earlier I feel like my thoughts and my mind aren't trust worthy to believe if that makes sense. I was wondering if this was normal for people questioning their gender like I am. As you mentioned its really hard to define 1 common experience for people questioning their gender.

There is another thing that I want to share about my experience so far that I feel somewhat bad for feeling. I really started to question my gender recently after I started hanging out with some new people online. One of those people is a cool girl around my age. I've seen what she looks like and I just feel really jealous of her some times. I wish I could style my hair in a more feminine way like she does or dress in the clothes that she does. part of me worries that I'm a bad friend for thinking about her this way. Do you have any advice for situations like this? I understand if you don't.

[amber]

Hi again Seraph !

I am glad that Latha's suggests sound doable or exciting to you. I am also excited you were able to experiment a bit with the lipstick. You know it also makes sense that doing something more than once may give you greater clarity!

I do hear you on the struggle to 'trust' what it is you are feeling. I will reiterate what latha said in that it is ok to explore in this way no matter the outcome or how you feel. The act of exploration does not say anything about who you are - that is what the different ways of exploring is for. Do you feel this distrust in other areas of your life?

As for your new feelings about your friend, this all sounds ok and normal. It is common to admire someone's style or fashion choices. Most people use other people as inspiration to pick things out to wear or ways to style their hair. What makes you feel like a bad friend for these feelings?

[Seraph]

Thank you for responding.

I was wondering if you have any advice for other things I can explore that are easy to conceal/get rid of similar to trying out the lipgloss. I enjoy putting on the lipgloss I bought, I usually try it on everytime im about to take a shower.

I dont feel this same distrust for myself in many other aspects of my life. To be honest, I just cant tell if I may actually be transgender or if a deeper part of my mind wants to be transgender despite being cis.

When it comes to my friend, I just feel bad because of how envious of her I am. I just want to be able to look like she does, I want to be able to socialize like she does but ive always felt like socialization isnt something im allowed to be doing.

There are a few things that ive thought about over the past week that I want to bring up here. One thing I want to ask is what does gender euphoria feel like. I assume it is one of those things that is different for everybody but are there any common experiences that you may know of? Another thing I wanted to mention is how I feel about my body. Ive said before that im really not happy with how I look and I cant really place why. A few of these things are commonly seen as male traits (such as facial hair, body hair, my hair style, and a few other things). However, ive also never felt a large discomfort with having a penis. Seeing that I have one does not make me uncomfortable however the idea of a romantic partner ever seeing me my penis really does make me uncomfortable. Is this a common feeling for people questioning their gender?

[amber]

Your worries about 'not really being trans' are only possible to understand through the exploration. You said Latha's suggestions seemed appealing, how about trying those out next. Of course, getting more makeup could also be an option if that is something you are interested in. Colored lipgloss may be a small but impactful jump.

I hear you that you are feeling uncomfortable with how much you want to be like your friend, but I do not think it is inherently a bad thing. Maybe it would be easier to pinpoint the things about her style or her social life which you like instead of looking at wanting to be her whole person. Does that make sense?

Gender euphoria is used to describe any strong feeling of excitement or joy in relation to ones gender. Often times it can manifest through different gender expressions or maybe from hearing a new name or pronouns.

I do think all these things which make you uncomfortable about your body sound like they may be related to your gender questioning. The truth is no one here, or anywhere, will be able to give you the answers about yourself except you. That is why we keep saying that exploration is good - it allows you to explore and then reflect on how you feel.

[Seraph]

I deffinetly want to try the colored lipgloss, thanks for the reccomendation. I was wondering if you have any reccomendations for trying out clothes? I'm still too uncomfortable with the idea of my parents knowing that I am experimenting with my gender which puts me in a tricky situation because I am scared of them finding any clothes that I have at home. Furthermore I feel scared of going out in public and trying on something new. Obviously this puts me in a tricky place because I can't really think of a good place to experiment with female clothing, I was just wondering if you have any advice for a situation like this.

[mikky]

Hi Seraph,
You mentioned you don't have many in-person friends, so I am guessing there likely isn't someone else's house you could go to or try things on at-
But as you've probably heard before, clothes do not have gender. There's absolutely clothes that are culturally seen as more feminine/for women, or more masculine/for men, but a lot of the differences in the garments that are in a mens vs a women's section come down to things like color, cut, neckline, and shape. You might see if there is something in a store or online that is exciting but a more subtle difference or "neutral." I do almost all of my shopping at thrift stores, which at least in my area are much less gendered and binary- they group things by type of clothes, like jeans, t shirts, shoes, etc.

[Seraph]

Thank you for the advice!!
Sadly, most of the thrift stores in my area tend to seperate things by gender. I am just really scared of being seen buying something like a skirt, which I do want to try wearing, or being seen walking towards a changing room with one and somebody pointing it out.

[char]

Hey Seraph. I hear you with thrift stores being separated by gender--that's a thing where I live too :") I can't say I know how safe you'd be, but it might be a good idea to grab multiple things at once ahead of walking to the changing room to try them on. For instance, instead of just grabbing a skirt, you could grab another T-shirt or two, then sandwich the skirt between them. You don't have to buy all of them, of course. Another would be folding a long denim skirt in a certain way, which will make it look like a pair of denim trousers. Aside from thrifting, you could also shop online, but that would depend on how likely anyone at home would peek at your packages before you do. What do you think?

[Seraph]

I'll totally try the sandwhich method you suggested! To be honest, I'm still worried about being seen by others in the girls clothing isle but I can go when its not busy I suppose. I do want to bring up a point I brought up earlier again. A few posts back I said that I worry that I am confusing my attraction to women, and by extension things commonly seen as feminine, for possibly questioning my gender (for example wanting to wear feminine clothes because I think I'll look good in them because I am attracted to them in general). I've still be thinking about my gender nearly every day since I've made this post but recently I can't get this thought out of my mind. Is what I am describing really that uncommon of a belief?