I have not been told "The Talk"

[ForThe20thTime]

Hello, I am an 18 year old male. I was never told "The Talk". What is it anyway. I am aware of what the talk is, but don't know of its contents. But I do know little in general as I have have m##turbated many times and mostly it's due to a hairstyle and not the usual s#xual content mentioned on the website. (I don't know why, but I skipped directly to the topic of m#st#rbation as I'm familiar with what that is, but not the other s#x articles, should I read them?) With fanfic sites a lot of times I'd avoid the s#xual content but I'm wondering why K#nktober is popular. Sorry for censoring words here. I'm nervous to say them anyway despite saying 18.

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards.

There's no need to censor words here unless it makes you feel more comfortable to do so. "The talk" is usually referring to a discussion about what sex is, although often it doesn't involve much safety, consent, or inclusive information. That's why we're here!

I do think you should go through the site and read more articles. I'll link a few basic ones here, these are a great place to start. Let me know if you have any specific questions from these or if there's a more specific topic you want to learn about. Our site has thousands of articles, so I suggest exploring it more!

With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
What's Sex?
Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

[ForThe20thTime]

I was not told "the birds and the bees" at all (I'm from a southern United States state). The one thing I was aware about was masturbation for some reason. And mostly the masturbation was because of a pretty hairstyle, but not of a sexual act. I never had sex education at all and I'm unaware of many sexual things unless I looked them up on Scarleteen which I found online. I'm also wondering why it's a popular topic in fanfiction too (like the October challenges I keep hearing about) because I'm 18 now and I avoided those when I was younger. But why is it that for most of my life, my masturbation was due to certain hairstyles and images of long hair? I never had lube either. Why is it that I'm 18 and mostly unaware or don't know many things about sex?

[Latha]

Hi there, Forthe20thtime

Why is it that I'm 18 and mostly unaware or don't know many things about sex?

I think you are asking some great, important questions! We can try to find answers to this one together. To do that, I think we should start with how other people often learn about sex. As you noticed, there is 'The Talk' about 'the birds and the bees' that many parents seem to have with their children. Then, lots of people learn about sex from friends or peers or siblings. And many take sex education classes in school.

What has your education been like, generally? Did you go to a school, or were you educated at home? Growing up, did you know a lot of kids around your age? Did your teachers or peers ever talk about sex?

To address your other questions:

I'm also wondering why it's a popular topic in fanfiction too (like the October challenges I keep hearing about)

Hmmm... I'd guess that sex is a common focus of a lot of art because people make art about the things they are interested in, and many people are interested in sex. From a fandom perspective, sex is also a common intimate activity, so people might explore how certain characters have sex as a way of appreciating their motivations and relationships. Here's the Fanlore page on Kinktober in case you'd like to hear a little about the history of the event. (Fanlore is like wikipedia for fandoms and fan culture.)

But why is it that for most of my life, my masturbation was due to certain hairstyles and images of long hair?

I wouldn't say there is anything particularly strange in feeling sexual interest in response to seeing certain hairstyles--for lots of people, sexual attraction can happen in response to physical features, not just sexual activities.

[ForThe20thTime]

I used to go to school, but in my US state, they never teached sex education to me. I obviously never learned about sex from others since it was never taught at school and I never saw any friend outside of school. Never had the talk either but I'm aware of what it's called and that others have it for some reason because I read a lot of Wikipedia and social media, so I'm using Scarleteen to learn about sexual topics because I found out about this website, as I'm 18. I noticed I never had "the talk" in my life, as parents never told me. But I'm trying to best to learn on this website, and it's great website too. Has a lot of information on sex.

Also have one question about masturbation, too. When I turned 18, it feels like I can do it multiple times a day to my penis and still get the white fluid (come) to come out, unlike the previous times where I could usually masturbate usually one time. And usually it was due to an image of long hair (on a woman) and I find it pretty, and something in me also makes it something that I masturbate to and then I come (as why is it a response to that and why do others have other interests that gets them off and masturbate to). Why is that?

[Anya]

Hey ForThe20thTime,

The internet can be a pretty vast place so we're glad you're here and happy to help you answer any questions. Were you able to read any of the articles Sofi shared with you? There's some pretty comprehensive information there so it would be a good place to start. Articles have the opportunity to go much more in-depth per-topic than we can here on the boards.

Masturbation and desire are certainly complex topics, but nothing we can't help you understand a little more clearly! First, on the question of why you feel more able to/interested in masturbating frequently, it really comes down to hormones. Hormones are biological chemicals in everyone's body that help us to experience emotions and desires, as well as how you grow up and go through puberty (i.e. growing body hair, getting your period or being able to produce sperm, mood changes). A change in hormones is very very normal at your age and is likely the reason you feel more inclined to engage in masturbation more consistently. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and the frequency you describe is well within in the common range we expect.

If you are not familiar with the idea of puberty, please visit: Not Everything You Wanted To Know About Puberty (But Pretty Darn Close).

On the question of why we desire and find some things sexually arousing, there are a lot of explanations; but most of all its really just a personal preference thing. Some people, like you, enjoy hair as an exciting sexual interest, and for others, any number of things could be exciting in the same way. All of this is totally normal and everyone has different attractions in this way. The reason you body finds masturbation to be a satisfying response to looking at or engaging with your desire is really just because that's how bodies work when were presented with things we find sexually appealing. To be aroused by them and then want to masturbate is very common. Now, of course this all relies on the fact that you are in a safe, private place to express masturbation, but generally speaking, masturbation is an understandable response to imagery you find appealing. Does this make sense?


For more info on masturbation, please read:
- Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation

[ForThe20thTime]

Hello, since I'm 18 I've been getting sex-ed from Scarleteen and its been good. I also have another question. Is engaging in viewing pornographic material okay when I'm 18? I've been using your site to understand how sex works and it would helping me understand. But I like particular languages as an American, and I like the Indian languages and the country itself (this was my SFW interest). But on an index of pornographic sites, I actually found an "Indian sex stories" website. What happens if my language interests become joined with discovering NSFW content relating to the language/culture? I don't browse NSFW all the time though. I do look at SFW sites relating to my linguistic interests too. But I've always been aware foreign countries are for other SFW things, not only porn; they have unique cultures too. Since I'm 18 I'm discovering sexual content for the first time (become more aware, since I wasn't taught that much earlier on). Now I'm wondering why that many machine translation services that allow words like "penis" and "ejaculate" or sexual descriptions.

[KierC]

Hey there ForThe20thTime

It’s totally okay to consume sexual media when you’re 18, yes. But, it’s important to know that sexual media like pornography is not the best educational tool for understanding sex and sexuality. In fact, viewing pornography and taking it as a reflection of real-life sex can set folks up with some really unrealistic expectations for sex. Pornography varies greatly from real life in a few notable ways. We actually have a series of articles about reality-checking mainstream porn that you may find interesting:

Bare Bodies: Reality-Checking Mainstream Porn
Sex on Screen: Reality-Checking Mainstream Porn

With regard to pornography that features different cultures, I would be curious about how these other cultures are portrayed, because it could very easily wade into the waters of racial fetishization. I’m not saying you’re doing that! I’m just saying you may run into pornography that is made for fetishizing reasons, not for purely exploratory/appreciative reasons. Does that make sense? To better understand where the media you’re consuming lies with regard to fetishization, I would ask: who is making this media? Who are the actors? How is this culture being portrayed in this media?

[ForThe20thTime]

Yes, it makes sense. Then, something different, I'm not doing that. Oh. Sorry, so you mean the Scarleteen ive been reading is more accurate for the information? I know sex isn't like those videos, and its more like Scarleteen describes. I only read a little of Scarleteen so I understand a little. Do you think I would have to read it all day so I can understand and catch up on knowledge? To explain, I live in a US state of GA. They never taught me sex ed in school and I never got the talk, so I had to learn a lot of things here. I also never dated before I was 18. And I'm 18 now. Why is it that I feel nervous to talk about sexual things unless it's here so you help me understand, and explain to me why I'm like this due to where I am?

[KierC]

Hey again,

Before we continue, I wanted to ask if you’re using any sort of AI to write your posts? I’m having a little trouble following your writing, which made me wonder.

You’re welcome to read as much as you want to, we’re not here to tell you what to do or how much of our website to read. If you have a question and want to read up, definitely do so!

[ForThe20thTime]

Hey I don't use AI at all. Sorry for my writing being a mess. I am autistic too. I never tried to ask an LLM to write my sentences anyway, I don't do that. But I can explain I do live in the US state of Georgia, and I was never taught sex-ed in school, had the talk, and I never dated before I turned 18 (I am 18). Why is it that it's unusual for me and I feel nervous when discussing sex-related topics, because I was never taught formally and many times online sex comes up. I also have another question too. I have always believed adults are expected to know "dirty jokes" and innuendos. What if an adult does not when they're 18?

[char]

Thanks for clarifying that. Just to be sure, is this your current question? I'm asking so we can better help you:

• I have always believed adults are expected to know "dirty jokes" and innuendos. What if an adult does not when they're 18?

Additionally, going forward, it would be great if you could focus on one question at a time on your post. This would make the conversation easier to follow. Thank you in advance!

[ForThe20thTime]

Thanks. Yes the question above is my current question. You can answer my question about that ("I have always believed adults are expected to know "dirty jokes" and innuendos. What if an adult does not when they're 18?")

[amber]

Hi ForThe20thTime,

I guess it is true that people expect 'adults' to get dirty jokes or innuendos but I promise you we all do not! Just like with all types of jokes, it can be pretty specific to our culture, the way we grow up, access to different communities, etc. Did you ask this because you are worried about being 18 and not getting these jokes? If so, I can promise you it is ok to not!

It sounds like you are struggling with the realization that you did not learn about sex at the same pace as others. Does that sound correct?

I think it would be helpful to take some of the pressure off to 'master' the topic of sex. Instead, you could engage with some of our most popular articles and let your curiosity guide you through learning. I am a sex educator who still learns new things about sex very often! There is no need to know everything - especially right away!

[ForThe20thTime]

Yeah it does sound like I am struggling with that realization. I am currently learning about sex via Scarleteen since I am 18 and realized I didn't learn as much as others so I didn't learn at the same pace (never had real sex ed classes or the talk since I'm from the US state of Georgia). All I know is Scarleteen is a good resource, but (question 1) is Wikipedia also a good resource for sex information? I use both. I do notice adults have to learn about sex first to get the jokes, but a second question is why is it that various articles online have things like "Things only adults notice in [media]", when those media aren't targeted towards adults but sometimes include innuendo, etc.

[Becky]

Hey ForThe20thTime,

Have we told you yet that it is totally okay that you don't know all of these things right now? I know it might feel like you're the only one who doesn't get innuendos or didn't get "the talk" but I promise you're not. Especially in the US, it is actually extremely rare for anyone to get anything resembling comprehensive sex education. And you say that others got "the talk" but I would make a hefty bet that their parents didn't give them as much helpful information as you think (because their parents probably didn't get any formal sex education either).

As for getting innuendos, I would also argue that you actually don't need to know very much about sex to understand innuendos. Mostly I think we learn sexual jokes and innuendos from movies and TV shows rather than any deep understanding of sex or sexuality. It's actually a bit of a problem because I think a lot of young people learn some negative thoughts *about* sex because sexual innuendos are not super useful at portraying actual sex or sexuality.

I found a resource you might enjoy. This video is a little old but it's from someone trying to help non-native speakers understand the nuances of English better. I think it might be a helpful resource because it explains innuendo as part of our language from a beginner perspective: How to Understand Suggestive Remarks

As for Wikipedia, it's not a bad resource at all you just need to know how to use it. It's always important to remember that Wikipedia can be edited by anybody-- however there is a very dedicated group of Wikipedia "volunteers" (meaning they aren't employed by Wikipedia, they are just very dedicated to the cause) who are regularly fact checking and updating any changes made to the site. In my experience, Wikipedia is a surprisingly reliable resource because, like Scarleteen, they have very dedicated people working to make sure facts are accessible. A good trick for Wikipedia is you can always check the cited sources at the bottom of the page to learn more about the topic you are exploring and get more context about it.

So what kind of movies or TV shows or books do you like? Where is it coming up for you that feel like you're missing some subtext or innuendos?

[ForThe20thTime]

Thanks. Yeah you told me. It's ok. I separated my questions so it can be easier to understand. Native English speaker but it's a nice ESL video about suggestive remarks (those ESL teachers do a very good job at explaining my own language). I do like others learning English. Those citations on Wikipedia definitely help. Helps me understand. I bet many people are discovering Scarleteen and it helps them understand sex more. I use Scarleteen to learn about it and it's great. And the AO3 users probably read these kinds of resources to understand it better. I bet AO3 and Tumblr users had to learn on sites like this one, is that correct (Question 1)? Second question - I thought Scarleteen was about sex (it's also about romance and gender) but many films and TV shows have kissing scenes. Raimi Spider-Man has the famous MJW-Peter upside down kiss and the Winx in the 2004-09 show do have romantic relationships, and there is kissing in it. Certain genres of movies/TV don't have romance scenes, but if it's something like Spider-Man or Winx, why is it common for them to have those scenes? (Romance is not the same as sex.) Third question - I've never really dated anyone before I was 18 and I've heard it's common people in their teens do date others their age. I haven't dated before. My fourth question is As I am 18, is it common to date?

[mikky]

Hi ForThe20thTime,

1. I am sure that some people who use AO3 and Tumblr use Scarleteen or other sites like it to get information, but people get information from all kinds of places. It's really hard to know where someone has learned about sex without asking them, and even then, it's probably a complicated answer. Why are you wondering about where AO3 and Tumblr users get information? Is it because you read/hear about sex in those places?

2. You're right that a lot of movies (as well as books, TV shows, video games) have romantic plots and kissing scenes. I think that there's a lot of reasons for why- it can be exciting, add interest and drama, and appeal to people emotionally. In an action movie, writers want the stakes to be high, and giving someone a romance they need to fight for is pretty high stakes. A lot of people love romance and kissing scenes, and a lot of people do not care about that at all and would prefer that to be left out.

3. Some teenagers date, some don't. It is becoming actually less common for teenagers to date. It can be interesting and exciting and help people learn about themselves and one another, but so can many other activities.

4. Just like teenagers, some adults date and some don't. Is that something that you are interested in doing yourself?

[ForThe20thTime]

Sorry. I wonder because on spaces unrelated to AO3 and Tumblr where it is talked about where people post about it like Reddit, they often talk about the E (explicit) rating of fanfiction (a common thing I hear about is fanfic being called smut), along with the occasional mention of dead doves, etc. and I think it's common for many fics to be explicit or T for some reason. I used to use Tumblr but dont have an account, and I don't have a Reddit account but I keep hearing about these things by going to their URLs. And about romance scenes I personally like them (like the fairy Winx and their bfs in 2004, and spider-man 2002 upside down kiss scene). I do wish I could date, and I'm 18 so yeah.

[Becky]

Smut has become kind of a catch all term for any written media (fanfiction, books, etc) that contains explicit sexual content. Usually they are stories that have a plot that focuses heavily on romance and the main characters will have sex. The amount and explicit-ness can vary which is why different sites have different ratings. Sometimes you will see people use the chili pepper or "spice" scale. So 4/5 chili peppers is a really "spicy" book and will have a lot of sex scenes in it.

"Dead dove do not eat" is a reference to the TV show 'Arrested Development' where the main character Michael sees a paper bag in the fridge labeled "DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT" and opens the bag to see, as stated, a dead dove. And he says "Well, I don't know what I expected."

The joke is that most people would expect that the warning on the bag is a lie because it is pretty unusual to keep a dead animal in the fridge but then it turns out there is in fact a dead dove in the bag and because Michael was told explicitly that the bag has a dead dove in it he shouldn't be surprised. You can view the scene here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUKmq7UMJys

When someone tags a fanfiction "dead dove do not eat" it is a warning to really pay attention to the other tags because they have likely tagged some content that would be upsetting or triggering to certain users. "Dead dove do not eat" is telling the reader that the author is serious about the tags and if you read the story anyway and become upset by the content despite being warned that it has upsetting content in it, then it's your fault for not listening to the tags. So take them seriously, basically.

Have you taken any steps toward dating? Are you apart of any clubs or do you use any dating apps?