I’m worried my crush is obvious and making someone uncomfortable

[Asking Queries]

Hi everyone,

As discussed in previous posts, a few months ago, I met an indescribably handsome transmasc person at the LGBT center of my college. I’ll call him Tex so I don’t reveal his real name.

When Tex is close to me, talking to me, looking at me, etc, I cannot function well. I can’t concentrate on what I was doing or who I was talking to, I am intensely aware of his presence, my hands go shaky, and I smile and can’t stop smiling. I feel safe around him and remember the feelings and interactions fondly. It sometimes really feels like he’s flirting with me, although he might just be very friendly.
I am worried that I am making him uncomfortable with my reactions; with how obvious it must be (at least in my view) that I have an intense crush on him. I especially worry about the involuntary smiling,—one of the few times I have been sexually harassed involved a very creepy guy grinning at me. I’ve considered that he could simply avoid me or interact differently if he was uncomfortable, but that isn’t reassuring enough to me.

Complicating things even more, I asked him out on a date maybe two months ago, which he politely declined, and he is a student worker. (The boundaries at the LGBT center of when the student workers are on and off work are somewhat blurry, which can be confusing.) I haven’t tried to flirt with him since he decided the date offer, and never when he was working, but I sometimes say quippy things that may seem like flirting or which are probably influenced by my crush on him.

Aside from not going to the LGBT center—which doesn’t really feel like an option, because I have friends there and it’s a lovely and safe space for queer people—I’m not sure what I can do. As I noted in a message to a friend, “I can’t exactly say ‘you’re so hot that if you’re just being silly in your flirting, please stop, because I don’t function well around you, and that isn’t worth it if this isn’t going anywhere’, especially because I asked him out and he said he wasn’t interested”.

If anyone has ideas on how to deal with this, please let me know.

AQ

[Becky]

Hey AQ!

Crushes can feel so exciting! But you're right, it's important that we make sure that our behavior isn't affecting other people in a negative way.

If you asked Tex out and he said no, thank you, I think you need to take that at face value that he isn't interested in pursuing anything outside of friendship right now.

The feeling like you are flirting is a bit more complicated because I'm not there to hear what Tex is saying to you and vice versa. If you and Tex have a quippy, banter-y sort of relationship that can be fine! When you say something quippy to him does he keep the conversation going? Or does he like laugh and change the subject or stop talking? These can be communication signs to look out for to see if it's ok to continue or not.

If it's really too hard to find the line between flirty and friendly-- maybe it's worth a conversation? Like, "hey, so you probably know that I like you because I asked you out. But sometimes I still feel like we're flirting and it's a bit confusing for me. Can we talk about that?" I think you absolutely can ask someone to stop flirting with you-- for a ton of reasons! But definitely, "I wish you wouldn't flirt with me because it's confusing" is certainly valid.

Continuing to be flirty with him is also going to make getting over this crush that much harder.

Whatever you decide to do, I don't think you should have to stop going to the LGBT Center. That sounds like it's an important place for you. I think it's definitely worth finding a way to cool down the flirting with Tex so your crush on him can have some time to fizzle out. I don't want you to feel like you can't go to your safe space.

For what it's worth, I think it's really awesome that you asked Tex out! It's really hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable like that. I'm sorry it didn't work out at the time but that was really brave!

We also have some nice articles about crushes if you'd be interested in some reading on the topic:
Quickies: Crushes
Puppy Love: The Do's & Don'ts of Crushes (With Help from a Very Small Dog)
How Do I Tell If Someone Is Into Me?

This one is from Teen Vogue, not us, but still a nice article!
How to Get Over a Crush