Questioning Gender

[Rawr]

Hey all! About three or four years ago, I did a lot of self questioning about my sexuality. Finally when I was about 15, I am 18 now, I decided that I was polysexual. Since then I have dated very rarely. I mostly dated guys but I have had a girlfriend and another person who has just recently come out as MTF. This ex of mine coming out as caused me to realize that I am not completely sure that I am a woman.

I notice that when I am crushing on/dating another female that I tend to be the more... dominate I suppose is the right word (I'm not sure I want to use masculine). I tend to be the protector and such. But when crushing on/dating a male I am more of a mix between dominate and submissive. I have recently started talking to my best friend, who identifies as a cisfemale, about my questioning my gender and she just seems to dismiss me. I am really confused as I am not sure if what I am doing is questioning my gender or just reading far too much into something that is not really that big of a deal.

[FanndisTS]

Hi, Rawr!

Remember, first and foremost, that your identity is your own. If you're not sure about your gender, don't dismiss your feelings just because it's unconventional or uncomfortable for others! Also, even if you do end up identifying as male, non-binary, genderqueer, or anything else, your identity doesn't have to stay fixed! The most important part about figuring out your gender identity is figuring out what label (or lack thereof) you feel comfortable with. Even mild gender-dysphoric feelings can build up over time into something that makes you feel uncomfortable in your own skin (as someone "mostly-female" who just recently started identifying as non-binary, I know).

When I decided to start identifying as non-binary, several people made the argument that since I'm only a little bit "masculine", the whole gender wasn't worth it, and that is just plain wrong. Find the identity that feels the most comfortable for you, and go for it! Even if it's not a "big" change, even if you're not moving very far along the gender spectrum, it's a big deal to you, and that's really the only important thing. If you do end up deciding you're female, though, don't feel pressured! Whatever your identity is, it's YOURS, and you deserve full support.

Do remember, though, that -- as you've implicitly acknowledged -- "dominant" does not necessarily mean "masculine" and "submissive" does not necessarily mean "feminine". Also remember that gender-fluid is a thing!

Good luck with your introspection!

[Rawr]

FanndisTS,

Thank you, having someone else say that I am not making a big deal out of it makes me relax easier. I don't necessarily have gender dysphoric feelings. I am comfortable with my body but I feel the way I identify is wrong. I am feminine but I am more then that and not feminine at the same time. It is very confusing as you can imagine. I have looked at gender fluid and that seems closer to how I feel but still not completely right. I've also looked at androgyne (I didn't know there were sub-sets of androgyne) as a possibility.

[FanndisTS]

As I understand it, gender dysphoria and body dysphoria aren't necessarily the same thing, but it's been hard for me to research it without coming across all the old medical diagnoses for trans* people, so I usually quit more quickly than I probably should. By my estimation, however, what you are describing is what I would call gender dysphoria. If you don't feel comfortable labeling it that way, though, then don't. It's all you in this discussion.

Here is a great list of different non-binary labels and other terms relevant to non-binary people:
http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/7214341 ... binary-and
Remember, you don't have to label yourself at all, if you don't want to, or you could just go with the general "genderqueer" or "non-binary". Another option is to make up your own label!

Another helpful resource:
https://www.genderspectrum.org/quick-li ... ng-gender/

[Rawr]

It seems I got gender and body dysphoria confused, oops. Thank you for clearing that up for me The links are wonderful by the way! It looks like I have a lot of researching to do so I can find what feels right for me. I like that I could just leave it at non binary or genderqueer. Thank you so much for trying to help me.

[FanndisTS]

No problem, and good luck!