I think I'm ready

[Rocky]

Hello


This is a long story, sorry about that. 


I am a 20 year old biological female who identifies as gender nonbinary. I feel more male than female, and wear men's clothing, but there is definitely a feminine streak in me. 


My relationship with birth control and the idea of sex is complicated. I'm a virgin, and thought that I was asexual until I was 18. 


My parents gave me the talk when I was 10, shortly after starting fifth grade, and I remember being traumatized and crying and saying that I was going to be a virgin for life. The idea of sex felt dirty to me, and I barely thought about it for years. I know my parents were not trying to corrupt me, they are super liberal and have supported my entire life journey, and I'm thankful for them. 


When I was a freshman in high school, there was a guy who sexually harassed me constantly. He never actually touched me, but there was a time when he told one of my friends what he would do to me if he had his way with me. The friend refused to tell me what exactly he said, but I think he wanted to rape me. I don't think I was ever as scared as I was while it was happening. I didn't tell an adult what was going on while it was happening, even after I had a massive panic attack later that year that messed with my mental state for the next few years. I told my therapists a couple of years later, after he was out of my life, and didn't tell my parents until a little over a year ago. Looking back on it, I really wish I told someone earlier, because I know that my parents, my mom especially would have made sure he got punished. The idea of him raping me scared me into thinking I was ace until I was a senior. 


I started my first relationship my junior year of high school. By then I was out as pansexual and nonbinary. I was with this person for over a year, and I'm happy that it happened. Even though we were official, we never really did anything intimate, except kiss. We didn’t really want anything more to happen. When things ended, I still considered myself ace and preferred females, I was even ready to label myself as a lesbian. 


My senior year, I was competing in a forensics competition, and while I'm waiting for the first round to start, I met a young man who was also a senior. We had met before and I remember talking to him, but we really clicked this time. He seemed sweet and nerdy, my type of person. Then I realized he was on the conservative side, and I said, “I’m a lesbian and identify as nonbinary. Are you okay with that?” He said that he considered himself to be conservative, but said that he thought people should do whatever makes them happy. I was okay with hearing that, and he exchanged phone numbers. I told my friend about him the next day, and she asked me if I had a crush on him, and I realized that I did.


We talked for the next couple of months, but I really didn’t like the idea of telling him that I liked him. The fact that I had a crush on a cisgender guy was weird to me, and also with him being conservative, I had no idea if he would view me as a biological female or not. In January of that year, I went to see the doctor for my physical, and I told her that I liked him, and maybe I should finally start thinking about birth control. I went home not thinking much of it, and we started talking, and that was when I realized I wasn’t asexual. I started freaking out, and told him that I felt like I was having an identity crisis, and he was what was wrong. There was no way I was going to say, “I want to have sex with you!”, I was very vague and said I was thinking about doing something I never did before, by that I meant masturbation, but with the way I was wording things, I think he thought I was going to hurt myself. I reassured him saying that what I wanted to do was harmless, and that I was going to be speaking to my counselor about it later that week anyway. I think he was still a little worried about me. 


A little over a week later, we were talking, and he said something that ticked me off, I knew he wasn’t trying to, but what he said made me realize there was no way I was going to be with him, and I said, “Sometimes I feel like with my gender identity it makes it even harder to find a relationship.” I just got mad and sent the text before I realized what I was doing. I think that made him realized that I liked him, and it freaked him out, because he stopped talking to me then. It took a month to accept that he ghosted me. I wonder if he just couldn’t accept that I was part of the LGBTQ community. Well, that’s his problem. 


Since I had that identity crisis, I was really starting to think about birth control, and I told my parents that I wanted to see my doctor as soon as possible, and I ended up getting really emotional when I told them. They didn’t understand why I was so emotional, I never told them about being ghosted till later. My mom scheduled an appointment, and my dad thought I wanted to have sex with one of my friends who was younger than me who came from a more religious background. This chat sent me again to the counselor’s office in tears where I said that I didn’t want to be traumatized about my sex life before I even had one. I love my parents, and like I said, they are super supportive, but seriously, I thought my dad knew better than to make assumptions like that. It was hard enough that I was trying to get birth control even though I knew there was no way I was going to have sex with the person who made me realize that I wanted sex. At least I was going to be ready for college. 


I literally almost died while trying to get birth control. I settled on an IUD, and got one in the Spring of that year, but when I went back to get my ultrasound a couple of weeks later, they found out that I had a fibroid tumor in my uterus that caused it to balloon over three times its normal size. It prevented the IUD from going in all the way. The real sting of that was that I found out about it hours before I was going to go on stage at my school and give a very personal speech about my growth as a member of the LGBTQ community, and I was super tempted to blurt this information out, but I didn’t. 


At first, the doctor didn’t think that the tumor was going to hurt me since it wasn’t cancerous, and suggested an implant. For some reason, the tumor combined with the implant caused me to almost menstrate to death, and I went into the hospital with my hemoglobin level being a 5.3. I was in the hospital for 5 nights, received a gallon of blood, a unit of plasma, and had to have a D&C. I almost didn’t move into college on time. I got the okay from my doctor to move in the day before, but I had to get an additional operation a couple weeks later to get the tumor removed. My uterus shrunk from 15 centmeters to 4.5 centimeters, and since then I got another IUD, and have had a clean bill of health since, thank goodness. 


Shortly after moving to college, I met a young woman who was my neighbor. After one conversation with her, I began developing feelings for her. She treated me horribly, and her spell over me was so powerful that I couldn’t realize it. There were multiple times when we scheduled to meet, only for to cancel on me at the last minute, or sometimes never even show up. When I look back on it now, I don’t know what I saw in her, I don’t know why I trusted her to share so much personal information, I actually loved her. I loved her more than the person I was officially in a relationship with in high school. If I were asked whether or not I was in a relationship with this woman, the answer is, I have no clue. Everyone who knew what was happening between us told me that she was treating me horribly, and I needed to let go. I knew they were right, but I loved her too much, I was under her spell. I don’t know why sometimes we fall for the wrong people. She flunked out the first semester, and moved out of campus. She said we could stay in touch, but one day over winter break, without any warning, she blocks me on social media, and kicks me out of her life. I cried in my parents bed for the first time in years, and my mom reminds me of how she treated me, and that I was smart, kind, and attractive, and she emphasized, yes, I was attractive. She also said the quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve”, for why sometimes we fall for the wrong people. Even after that, it still took me a long time to recover from it, I almost confronted her multiple times, but someone always managed to talk me out of it, and just a couple of months ago I finally began to feel like I was starting to break free from that spell. 


I am staying home due to Covid and am taking all online classes this year, but I met another young man in one of my classes. He seems nice, and he has similar interests. I am interested, but I am keeping things to a minimum this time, but we are planning to videochat and do a watch party sometime over winter break. I finally worked up the nerve to tell my parents about him, and they seem to like him with what little I told them. Right now I’m really just looking for a friend, but I will admit to getting a little overexcited when he called me “buddy”. 


Going back to my senior year, when I started thinking about masturbation, I didn’t work up to nerve to do it for another several months. The thought of it seemed dirty even though I wasn’t raised to think like that. My parents really encourage it. When I finally worked up the nerve to do it, it was euphoric, and I continued doing it for a couple of months, but then when I got hospitalized I got put on pelvic rest for about eight weeks. I feel like I have got to be the only virgin who has had to be put on pelvic rest. When I was able to, I felt too self conscious to do it at college because I was paranoid about my roommate coming in the room, so I waited till I was home for winter break. 


After that woman broke my heart, I was beginning to have thoughts that maybe I should try to start pleasuring myself again and try to feel comfortable with myself, which I ended up talking about with my mom, and she talked me into letting her get me vibrators. I’m glad she did buy them for me, and I did use them a couple of times before coming home for Spring break, but then Covid hit. Even though my parents encourage me to do it, I just felt incredibly self conscious masturbating while my parents were in the house, so I just didn’t do it, until a few nights ago I found myself thinking, “If I don’t masturbate right now I am going to go out of my mind!”, so I finally did it after nine months, and it felt great. 


I felt I should have been happy that I finally did it, but instead I kind of felt depressed, maybe because I probably won’t be able to lose my virginity until I am 22 or 23 years old given the global circumstances, and I want to do it with someone who treats me well. I also thought that even if I can’t have sex, now might finally be a good time to finally start feeling comfortable with myself. 


I don’t watch porn, the idea of it makes me uncomfortable, instead I masturbate to movies/TV episodes that have my celebrity crushes, and I definitely have one picked out. Like I said earlier, I love older movies, so lot of my celebrity crushes were their cutest in during the 50s-80s, and my current celeb crush was just adorable when he was in his 20s. 


I started thinking about masturbation again when I watched a movie of his that was horrible, but had the most satisfying sex scene I have ever watched, I thought I would come back to that scene and pleasure myself, but its been over a month, and I haven’t done it yet. I want to take it a step further though, he is in a B movie that I watched back in October, the night before my birthday, and I had a blast watching it. I want to turn on that movie, dress up like his character, say his lines, and have an extended masturbation session. To some extent, I want to become him while I do it. 


These thoughts were getting a little overwhelming, so I messaged someone who was friends with my parents who would be good to talk to about this, and she is going to continue talking with me, but she also recommended me to you. She does approve of my idea. I just feel self conscious doing it while my parents are in the house. They say if I need privacy, just let them know, but then they would know I was doing it. I would also be rounding up some props, which I might have to ask them where certain things are, and I don’t want them to know my plan, and I don’t want to be questioned about wanting certain things, but the friend of my parents says they won’t judge me. 


I think I’m finally ready to start exploring myself, what can I do to help myself feel comfortable, and to give this experience I want to have my all? 

[Mo]

Hi there, and welcome to Scarleteen. I'm glad you found out about us!

When it comes to exploring masturbation, it sounds like your parents are supportive and willing to give you space, which is great. I can certainly understand why it might feel a little uncomfortable to say something that either directly or indirectly conveys "all right, Mom & Dad, I'm going to go masturbate now!" even if they're supportive and cool with it, so tying it into a larger conversation about privacy might help.

What's their general policy on privacy? If you have your door closed, for example, do they knock and wait for you to say it's all right to come in before they try to open the door? Would they give you privacy if you said you were working on a personal project in your room, or having a private conversation with a friend? I'm wondering if there are ways you can have conversations with them about privacy or giving you some space at home that aren't just about masturbation; if you establish that you want to set up "do not disturb" times for various purposes, it might feel less conspicuous to ask for privacy when you want to masturbate.

I think a lot of people are looking for ways to establish personal space and private time right now, since with covid we're all staying indoors a lot more, so you may be able to tie this into a larger conversation about how you all want to share space with each other.

[Rocky]

Usually my parents try to do something to get my attention if I have my door closed. I have GAD, and weird things trigger it. I told them to please stop knocking because it does trigger it. I thought they were going to just start calling over the door, but instead they started scratching it like a cat, which I think is a weird method, but it doesn't trigger my anxiety, so it works. Unfortunately, my mom forgets this policy sometimes and knocks, and it's really jarring when I'm reading or on my computer and it's really quiet in the room.

When I have masturbated in the past it's usually right before I go to sleep, and the odds of my parents trying to get my attention then is extremely low. I have been trying to think of a way to clean my vibrator without my parents knowing that I'm about to use it. I have been thinking about hiding the bag I keep it in in my sleep wear when I go into the bathroom to shower and take it out when I close the door, but sometimes they come in while I'm in the shower to use the bathroom or brush their teeth, so I thought maybe when I plan to use the vibrator I could hide the bag in a drawer that almost never gets open.

With my idea for the role play session, I plan on doing it in the living room because there is more space since I plan to move around a lot, and it's farther away from my parent's room. Usually if I am in the living after 7 in the evening, the odds of my parents coming in are extremely low, but unfortunately the living room door doesn't lock from the inside. I plan to make a lot of noise, and even though my parents try to tune out what I'm saying when I videochat with my friends in there while they're in the kitchen, I don't want them to hear what I'm saying during the role play because I think I may sound like I'm going a little haywire, which is kind of my intention. The character I role play says some weird stuff, I quoted a line from the movie to their friend to demonstrate, and she thought it was quite funny. I also don't want them to see what I'm planning on wearing during the session. My dad already feels uncomfortable when he sees me in my underwear. It seems a little ironic that I don't mind walking around in the house in my underwear, but don't want to be seen dressed like a movie character.

I never did anything like this before, and I'm kind of excited about doing it, but I'm weary about it. I'm sure my GAD is part of the reason why I'm overthinking this to some extent. I actually do want to go a little crazy, I want to put a bunch of energy into this, but I don't want my parents to hear what is going on even though the odds of them hearing it is pretty low. If covid wasn't happening, I would just plan to do it when my parents are out of town one night, but given that we are in a pandemic, I don't have a choice, so I might as well suck it up and do it. I'm also debating whether or not I want to map out what I want to do during my role playing masturbation session. I usually like to have a routine, but at the same time I feel like something like this should be a little more sporadic. Like I said, I want to be this character to some extent, partially because exploring myself sexually pretending to me another person sounds less intimidating then being myself. Hope that doesn't sound too weird, my parent's friend didn't think it was strange.

[Sam W]

Hi Amthyst,

Since you mention the living room isn't something you can lock (at least, that's my understanding of it), does your room have a door that locks? I ask because, if you know you're anxiety prone, trying to do this in a space where you know someone could get easily might up the anxiety so much that you have a hard time enjoying something you put a lot of energy and thought into (too, it's generally good to avoid masturbating in spaces that are communal, though not everyone has the luxury to avoid that).

As far as noise goes, do you have anything like music or white noise that you could turn on to help hide the sounds?

[Rocky]

I am able to lock the door in my bedroom, which is right across the hall from my parents room, but I feel okay masturbating in there when I am watching something and am wearing earbuds, but it wouldn't be the best environment for my role play fantasy because there isn't enough space. I prefer to talk to my mom about sexual topics over my dad, most likely because I am biologically female, and if she has assumptions about my sexual desires, she doesn't confront me like my dad did that one time, though when I was at college before covid hit, she did give me tips at random times. When I was with that woman who was treating me horribly, who I admitted to my mom that I wanted to have sex with, this was before my mom realized that she was treating me terribly, she messaged me saying that it was a good idea to pee right after having sex. I am glad that I feel relatively comfortable talking about stuff like that, I just don't want her to know what I have in mind, even though I know she wouldn't have an issue with it. She says that if I need privacy, just let her know, and if I need the living room, then let her know. Usually I tell her something personal and she tells it do my dad, which I'm usually okay with, I just feel more comfortable actually saying these types of things to her. I do have a white noise machine, I had to get one for college because I wasn't used to sleeping in a bug city. Would it be more appropriate to put it in the living room where I am or outside of the door? I talk with my therapist in the living room, and my parents usually turn on the fan in the living room to help drown out the conversation to give me more privacy, so I should probably also turn on the kitchen fan.

[Mo]

Any sort of white noise you could introduce into the environment, plus letting your mom know you'd like privacy while using the living room, would be good! You could feel more confident that you wouldn't be interrupted and your parents wouldn't have the chance of accidentally interrupting you, which will be positive for everyone. A fan and a white noise machine are a good combination for this, I think.

[Rocky]

Thank you, I do feel better about performing my fantasy since I know my parents will leave me alone if I tell them, and have options for blocking out sound. Do you have tips on what I can do to set the mood for myself? Like I said earlier, my plan in to put on this movie, dress as the character, say his dialogue, and in a way, get into his head. There is a masturbation scene in the movie, so the idea of me masturbating to him masturbating seems a little surreal. My parents' friend suggest putting certain scents in the room, and having a drink or two. Even though I'm not 21 yet, I am aloud to have a drink at home once or twice a week. As for scents, I am open to the idea, but will not use candles because fire, even just candle flames trigger my anxiety. Also, I hope this doesn't sound too silly, but with my idea of trying to get into this character's head, which I'm not too sure how I'll do it yet, I'm a little paranoid that I'll have a hard time coming out of it when I'm done. I doubt I'll actually wake up thinking I'm still this character, but I did message another friend giving her a rundown of what I was planning on doing, and asked if it was okay if I messaged her when I was going in and out of the fantasy, to have someone who knows when I'm checking out of reality and when I'm coming back in. She said that it was fine, and that she'll help me snap out of it if I need it, though hopefully I have nothing to worry about. I have actually had an occassion where I woke up thinking I was someone else, but in all fairness I was running a very high fever when it happened, and I think my mind was still dreaming even though I was awake.

[Sam W]

If you're looking for other ways to lean into and connect with the fantasy, some of the tips in this article may help you out: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms. And it's really sound to be making a plan to come down if you think this is going to be pretty intense for you.

I would actually caution against drinking, both because it's not legal for you yet (even if your parents permit it), but also because substances like alcohol can have have sexual side effects and often dampen our experiences of sex (even sex with ourselves).

[Rocky]

Yeah, I do find the article helpful, and I also read the "I like to fantasize about it, but would I like it in real life?" one. I had a masturbation session last night, not the fantasy one though. I plan on waiting for a little while before I act it out so that I have a full idea of what I want to do. Last night was the first time in over nine months that I used my vibrator. I was in my room when it happened, and had my door locked. I felt relatively comfortable going into the bathroom before and after to clean my vibrator because my parents went to bed earlier then normal. I wouldn't exactly say that it felt great, but it was satisfactory. I think I prefer a vibrator over my fingers. I think my ideas about what to do while masturbating are fairly limited. Last night it mostly consisted of pull the vibrator up and down my vagina, and moving it around my other private areas, and I don't think I was close to being able to have a orgasm. I was tempted to push the vibrator as far as I could up my vagina, but I was worried I would have a hard time pulling it out. The best thing I got out of it is that there is a part in my privates that I like to place the vibrator, it hurts but feels good at the same time. Also, towards the end of my session, I felt the urge to spank myself, and I was slapping myself repeatedly because it wasn't painful enough, never thought I would say or want something like that. Toward the very end, I got what I wanted. Even though I kind of want to spank or hit myself while masturbating, I don't think I would want a partner doing that to me. So last night was satisfactory, but I think that I can do better, and I am only starting out.

[Mo]

As you say, you're just starting out with this; many people find that as time goes on they get a better sense of what does and doesn't work during masturbation (and what might feel amazing vs. just very good). You have plenty of time to keep exploring and figure out what feels best.

[Rocky]

I had another chat with my parents' friend today, which went pretty well. We have another meeting scheduled in a couple of weeks, which happens to be on the one year anniversary of when that woman kicked me out of her life, and by then I should also have something scheduled with that guy that I have been talking to lately, which I am a little nervous about because it will be my first time talking to him one on one, even if it is just over videochat. The friend that I'm talking to practices witchcraft, or Wicca, and I think I'm interested in learning about it, so it's something we'll discuss in our next meeting. When it comes to witchcraft, the first things that come to mind are Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and one of my favorite movies, the original Suspiria, but I know that modern Wicca is nothing like those. I told my mom about my being interested in learning about it, and even though she is very chill about me exploring myself, I was not expecting her to be this chill about my exploring Wicca. It turns out she was interested in it at one point, but was too busy to really explore it. She bought the book Wicca For One, the Path of Solitary Witchcraft. She never got around to reading it, but gave it to me to read before my next meeting. I consider myself to be an atheist, and it took me a while to accept that and be okay with it, but I'm curious. Who knows, I might be practicing rituals, and still be an atheist. My mom also gave me the book, The Vagina Bible, by Jen Gunter MD. This will probably be beneficial because I don't have a lot of knowledge on the vagina. Have any of you read it? Seems like I'm on the right track.

[Mo]

I haven't read Jen Gunter's book, but I have seen several of her blog posts about vaginal health and mythbusting (I know she has taken on some of the more harmful things that Goop has tried to sell for vaginal use/treatment) and they all seemed pretty good! I hope you find that helpful, and if you have any questions about vaginas, vaginal health, or anything else in that realm, we're here to answer those or point you to resources on our website!

[Rocky]

Good morning. Hope you all were able to have a nice Christmas or Holiday season with whatever you celebrate despite the global circumstances. It was decent for me, it was a relief to not see my conservative relatives this year.

I finally got myself to have a masturbation session with that sex scene last night. I decided a while ago that I was going to do it last night in particular as a reward for surviving Christmas, because I'm honestly not that big on the Holiday for a few reasons.

I almost backed out of doing it. When I was pulling up the movie and trying to find the scene, I was starting to feel guilty. I started thinking back when that guy was sexually harassing me in high school. All this happened five years ago, but it still affects me, and I'm not sure how much it affects my feelings guilty. I wasn't feeling guilt the other two times I masturbated, then I realized maybe it was because it was my first time masturbating to a sex scene.

There were two occassions when I was dealing with him in particular that came back to me. The first time was right before Thanksgiving. He was already trying to pursue me for a couple of months, and I was trying really hard to keep my cool with him, but after about twenty minutes I lost my temper and yelled at him to leave me alone. That was the first time I lost my cool in front of him, and I ran/sped walked through the hallway to my next class, to which he yelled "B!#ch!". (I'm not sure if swearing is allowed here or not.) I know that wasn't the first time he gaslight me, but that was the first time he yelled something loud enough that other students could hear. He then harassed me again that day, and what the conversation went like was complicated, I think I would be better off trying to explain it in another thread.

The second occassion was a couple weeks later, and I again was telling him no multiple times, and he says, "I would like to tell you something. If you see a monster, you may have created it.". I think that was the number one moment he tried to gaslight me. In a way, he was right, given that I had that panic attack a couple of months later from bottling up everything, even though he was referring to himself. I'm thankful that he never found out where I live, and that I never caved in. I don't understand why he couldn't take no for an answer, and I don't know how I managed to live in fear like that. I do regret not telling someone sooner, especially since my parents work where I went to high school. I still can't believe that they didn't find out sooner. Guess I was pretty good at putting on an act, and while my friends knew he was harassing me, they didn't know that I was practically fearing for my life. I still have nightmares about him occasionally, five years later.

On Christmas Eve, I was doing a socially distanced visit with some relatives, and something someone said triggered the memory. I don't even remember what was said, but I think someone said the word "monster", which isn't unusual because I am a big horror fan, but I don't know why it caused that memory to come back.

When I was pulling up the sex scene, I was having second thoughts, thinking that I might get sick. I was telling myself that I didn't have to do this if I didn't want to, but I did, I wanted to fight back in a way. I want to be able to own myself.

I did work up the nerve to do it, but it didn't go as planned, but that still worked out for the best. I was going to use a vibrator, but I accidentally pulled out the one that I never put batteries in, and didn't realize it till I was ready to use it, so I just used my hand. I watched the scene twice, but the second time I just listened to it, which I think was a tip from a masturbation article that was suggested to me.

I went out of my comfort zone when I was listening to it. I remember reading in a book involving ways to have sex where a woman said she liked stick two fingers up her vagina, so I did it. I think I may take back what I said about preferring a vibrator. I don't know how to describe what it felt like, but there was a novelty about how much I managed to open up my vagina and how far I managed to get up there. Then during the middle of it I abruptly thought, "A baby might come out of here one day". It took me out a little, but I managed to get back it. I even tried talking dirty to myself, but I couldn't think of much to say. I kept thinking, "Come on (name of cute actor) f*** me!". Probably still not too bad for a beginner.

When the scene was over, I just sat there for a few minutes debating whether or not I wanted to listen to the scene one more time. I decided that I was done for the night, since I did manage to go out of my comfort zone. It felt a lot better than what I did last week, but I'm still trying to process it a little. When I was trying to go to sleep, the thought of a baby potentially coming out of that hole one of these days came back, then I remembered I nearly bled to death out of that hole last year. I don't really know what to make of that thought process. My session was brief but pretty intense for me. I still felt what I did down there for a while when I was trying to get to sleep.

I'm planning on arranging to hang out with the guy from one of my classes. Virtually of course. I'm a little nervous. He seems to be the first person that I have liked to hasn't treated me poorly since my first real relationship ended two years ago. I crush on him is definitely a lot quieter then the last couple, most likely because I don't think I can handle getting hurt again.

My desire to explore myself sexually isn't for anyone in particular, it's for me. I just want to feel comfortable with myself and fight back my demons from my teenage years.

[Sam W]

That situation at school sounds really scary, and I'm so sorry it's something you went through. Having someone harass you and make not-so-subtle threats about monsters is definitely the kind of thing that can hang around your brain. Is the whole situation with him something you've spoken to others in your life about and gotten support around?

It sounds like the session was enlightening (and hopefully fun) even if it didn't go according to plan. Are your feelings about your body and what may (or may not) come out of if one day something you'd like to talk more about?

[Rocky]

My experience with the guy in school is something I have talked to others in my life about, but it wasn't until long after it ended. Even though I had the panic attack when I was a freshman, I didn't start seeing a therapist until I was a junior. I guess even after I got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore, I was still embarrassed to admit that I wasn't okay. I did begin talking to a counselor at school, which my parents knew about, but I just told them it was because of anxiety. I had a harder time containing myself after the panic attack, and there was a day when I just wasn't feeling it, and the counselor decided that it was finally time for me to start speaking to a therapist. I'm glad that I have been speaking to a therapist for a few years now, and I have a good relationship with him, but I don't understand what took the people around me so long to figure it out. My parents say they would have gotten me help if I said something earlier, and even though I love them dearly and have a good relationship with them, I have a hard time believing it. My relationship with them didn't improve till after I started talking to the therapist. I told my therapist what happened with the guy when I was a junior, and I didn't tell my parents about him till shortly after I started college. Looking back on it, I know my parents would have done something about it if they knew sooner, my mom especially would have made sure he got punished. I have gotten support, but I still feel uncomfortable talking about it. I have been bringing it up with my therapist a lot, but I never told him the guy's name. I did tell my parents, but it was only because they worked at the high school, and my dad knew who I was talking about.

Yes, I would like to talk more about my body. My relationship with it is complicated. I went into a little bit more detail about my having to be hospitalized due to a fibroid tumor in my uterus in a previous post. While we're on the subject of my body, I would also like to say that my weight has fluctuated a lot over the last several years. I am five foot six and a half and weigh slightly below 160 pounds, which I am okay with. I have the type of body that needs to weigh more. In high school, I wouldn't have been okay with it. I was 177 pounds in 8th grade, but towards the end of the year dropped to 162. When I was being sexually harassed, I dropped to 144, which is the thinnest I have ever been, and when I look back on it, I think I was too thin. During junior and senior year, I was struggling with weight gain, but my doctors never showed concern, so I was probably okay. The heaviest I was was slightly over 200, which was when I was hospitalized. Over the course of 2019 I gained 20 pounds and lost it all before the year was over, and have lost another 20 since quarantine happened, but I have started working out lot, and I honestly feel pretty great and think I look the best I ever have. I think when I first started birth control pills before realizing they weren't working, I just thought screw stressing about my weight because it wasn't worth it, since a side affect is weight gain. I was okay with being 180, and enjoy being below 160, but I'm thankful my thoughts on body image have changed. I just think my weight should not have shifted as much as it has, especially since I'm really young.

I mentioned in my first post that I prefer to wear men's clothes. I still want to wear women's clothes occasionally, but I feel really self conscious doing so, because I don't completely identify with my body. When I was first thinking about my masturbation fantasy, I thought about wearing a tight, beige tank top. I found it and looked at myself in the mirror, and even though I was aware that I had wide hips, I think it just sunk in about how wide they were when I looked at myself in the mirror wearing just the tank and my underwear. I wear men's clothes to hide my curves, and I actually freaked out a little bit when I looked at myself. I was told that I do have a nice figure, I just don't completely identify with it.

[Sofi]

I'm really glad to hear you have a healthy relationship with your weight now. You're so right, screw stressing about it!
In regards to the body dysmorphia, I'm so sorry you're experiencing that feeling when you look in the mirror. It's good news that you're able to identify it and have a quick solution to it (wear men's clothes instead), but I want you to keep in mind you're not alone in feeling this way and you're already on a good path of self exploration. Do you feel like you want to get to a point of being comfortable and confident with your curves, or just to a point of sort of ignoring them and not letting them bother you? It's also okay to not be sure what kind of relationship you want with them right now--this is all on your terms and on your time.

[Rocky]

I'm not completely sure what I want. What I know I want is to feel comfortable enough to let a partner see my full body when my time comes for losing my virginity. My curves are definitely still noticeable to some degree even with men's clothes on, but they're not emphasized. It has even come up in conversation with my friends a couple of times about how wide my hips are. I was at a friend's graduation party last year, and I don't know how the conversation got where it went, but then I realized my friend was referring to me. I asked what he was talking about, and he said "You have very voluptuous hips!". I'm sure it was a compliment, but I don't know how the conversation got there. I don't particularly have an issue with the way I look, but I don't want people staring at my hips, I wonder how often it actually happens though. There was even a time when that guy who was sexually harassing me said, "If you're a tomboy, then how come your hips are as big as they are?". I already knew it was something I couldn't help. I'm pretty small around the waist, so that puts more emphasis on it. There was another occassion where someone I used to be friends with who had my mom as a teacher said he knew I was her kid because of my body. I asked what he meant, but he didn't say exactly because he didn't want to say anything that sounded like sexual harassment which I guess I appreciate. With the new guy I'm talking to, I haven't met him in person, and won't for a while, he hasn't seen my lower body, he probably hasn't seen how big my hips are. I wonder what our first one on one videochat is going to look like. I think I have learned to cope with my hips for the most part, but I don't like it when other people notice them.

[al]

Hey Amethyst,

I'm sorry to hear that you've had people commenting on your body in that way (whether or not they meant it as a compliment). I know that some people really like getting complimented overtly on their physical features, but for folks who are questioning their gender identities/bodies/sexualities, or struggling with dysmorphia or disordered eating, it can be really unpleasant. That comment about you being a tomboy further demonstrates someone purposefully trying to make you feel uncomfortable about the way that your body/identity is viewed by others. It's so gross.
I hear you saying that you'd like to get to a point eventually where you'd feel comfortable letting someone else see your body during sex. And that's a point of tension or anxiety for a lot of young folks, including folks who are cisgender, neurotypical, and experienced in partner sex. You might try checking out The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Confidence and Busting Perfectionism, which has some good reminders about unrealistic expectations for ourselves. But I wanted to ask about any moments of body/gender/sexual euphoria (as opposed to dysphoria) in any of this experimentation you've been doing. You mentioned liking the way you looked in a certain top (I forget where) - are there any other moments or situations where you, on your own, feel connected or confident in your body? I personally find it helpful to focus my energy on appreciating my body's unique features and capabilities rather than wondering how it compares to others' bodies or perceptions of me. Ultimately, I think that feeling confident and sexy with someone else is easier when you're able to feel that by yourself! Does that make sense?

[Rocky]

Hi

To answer your question, when I was talking about the tank top, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to wear during my masturbation role play, and was considering wearing something that made me look "sexy" in a way, but seeing myself wear the tank top made me feel uncomfortable. I haven't performed the role play yet, but I decided I'll be dressing up as the movie character to the move I'm role-playing, since I feel more comfortable in men's clothes. However, I do have several tops that I feel pretty great in. I'm a huge nerd, and have several tops dedicated to my interests. My two favorite shirts are custom made. One has images from my favorite episodes of Tales From the Crypt, and the other one is dedicated to The Twilight Zone, which is my favorite show ever, but the shirt is dedicated to my favorite episode. That is probably my nerdiest shirt ever, and I love it. I haven't worn it very often though, it kind of a save it for a rainy day shirt for me, and I'm probably going to wear it when I videochat with the guy I'm interested in. I hope he continues to be as nice as he seems.

As for whether I felt a sense of body or sexual euphoria, my masturbation session from a couple of nights ago felt pretty euphoric. I almost backed out of it, but I worked up the nerve to do it. It was my first time masturbating to a sex scene, and I did multiple things that were out of my comfort zone. It is easily the best masturbation session I have had so far, even though I haven't had a lot. I can see myself having a kind of relationship with that sex scene. This particular sex scene and the movie that I'm role playing to have the same actor. I don't feel comfortable with the idea of watching porn, and would rather watch things that my celebrity crushes are in, and mine are a bit unconventional with my interests, but I know myself well enough to not be weirded out by them, and if the crush is helping me feel more comfortable with myself, then I see that as a good thing.

I'm curious about the idea of sexual role play, which is why I'm going to do that masturbation session, and I hope I achieve a sense of sexual euphoria. I can see myself wanting to act out the sex scene with a partner, and I can easily see myself saying, "Alright, if we are going to act out a scene that this actor is in then I get to be him!". The few people I have told this to have found it quite funny.

With my body, I hit puberty pretty early. I think my body decided that it wanted to get it done and over with. I had really big breasts in 5th grade, and I was one of the tallest biological females, and students in general until 7th or 8th grade when people started catching up with me. My parents thought I was going to have big breasts and end up being maybe five foot ten, but no, my breasts just wanted to get developing out of the way, and I stopped growing at five foot six and a half. People also thought I was older than I looked till I was 17 or 18. When I was 11 I once got mistaken for 17, and when I was 14 I got mistaken for drinking age. There was also a time when I was 16 when a guy was flirting with me, and I really wasn't feeling it, and he asked how old I was, he had a really hard time believing I was 16, and I just walked away. Now, some people think I look a couple of years younger than 20, which feels a little ironic. I feel pretty lucky that my breasts are smaller then average. I gave up on wearing a bra a few years ago, and nobody has given me crap about it fortunately.

I'm glad I finally grew into my body. I read the article, and hopefully it will be helpful in the future. I remember wanting people to think I was pretty when I was younger, and sometimes I still want that, but not as a woman. I want people to like my mind as well. I would rather be complimented for being smart than for my appearance. If someone was to compliment my appearance, I wouldn't mind someone saying I really pull of the androgynous look, which I have gotten a few of. I dressed up as David Bowie from Labyrinth for my senior prom, and I have a picture in my yearbook for having the most memorable outfit. A ton of people said I looked amazing, and whenever I show my pictures to people, they go on about how great I looked.

[Sofi]

That makes a lot of sense, and I'm glad you're not pressuring yourself into doing anything you're not comfortable with. It's perfectly fine to take your time to figure out what works well for you in terms of masturbation and also how it relates to body dysmorphia. Stay focused on what gives you body and/or sexual euphoria! Let us know if there's anything else we can help you with.
P.S. I love that you dressed up as David Bowie from Labrynth!! That's awesome and glad you got lots of compliments.

[Rocky]

Thank you

I'm going to be hanging out with the guy I like next week. Virtually of course, and we're going to watch a classic movie. We don't have a day and time picked out yet. I'm excited, but there is a voice in my head saying "Help!". I think I got a little over anxious when he said he would be up for hanging out. I doubt it will actually be a date, I don't even know if I want it to be a date, given that we probably won't be able to meet in person for another several months. Besides, I want to feel comfortable with myself before I start another relationship. I wonder if I should actually make myself look presentable, since I haven't bothered to put any effort in my appearance since quarantine, like actually wear jeans and put product in my hair. I'm sure I got this, I just hope I don't get too anxious when the time comes.

[Sam W]

I'm sure you do too! And as far as how to look, I'd go with whatever is going to make you feel comfortable while hanging out with him.

[Rocky]

Hey

I just want to say that I just wrapped up hanging out with the guy, and I had a really good time. He seems really chill, and it was nice to finally talk with him, even if it was virtual. We're going to try to hang out again next week at the same time. I think it's safe to say that we're just going to be friends, for now at least, which I'm okay with since I'm not ready to date yet anyway, and that I want to feel comfortable with myself first. I was really nervous going in, but I was able to loosen up after a few minutes, and I think what we were watching was definitely an icebreaker.

[Mo]

That sounds great! I'm glad you had a good time and things felt pretty comfortable after your initial nervousness.

[Rocky]

Question, I have been reading Jen Gunter's "The Vagina Bible" the past couple of weeks, and something that both my mom and a friend who I have talking to about sex says that I should pee after having sex or masturbating because not doing do could cause a UTI, but the book says that peeing does not reduce the chance of it. Is it a good idea to do it anyway? Are there other benefits to peeing after sex or masturbation?