Someone at school outed me and now I feel betrayed

[Hel]

Hi,

So I identify as genderfluid and pansexual. (I also have other labels such as queer, genderqueer, woman, gay-ish, non-binary, and other labels but genderfluid and pan are the ones I like best)

Only my close friends (4-5 people at school basically) and my parents know. Or at least, that's who I wanted to know.

I have a roommate at school so I told her about my identity because she's a really curious person and inclusive - I know that for a fact. Thing is, her sister is biphobic and also the nosiest and bitchiest person I've ever met. (I rarely call anyone a bitch btw.) So I think (not with proof but I'm like 99.99% certain) that my roommate's sister outed me as genderfluid to other students in the school community. I don't know wether to confront her or not... she completely violated my privacy. I'm not in the closet, per say, but I am private about my identity.

I don't have proof which is why I'm so frustrated but I can't just let her get away with another thing. She's such a bitch in general and I think she needs to understand that outing me is really, really not cool of her. She should have asked for my permission.

Any advice???

[Sam W]

Hi Hel,

I'm so sorry someone outed you without you consent; that's such a frustrating, stressful situation to be dealing with.

Since you don't know who did it, I'd hold off on confronting your roommate's sister. Have you spoken to your roommate and asked her if she mentioned your identity to her sister? If not, that would be something to talk with her about in as calm and non-accusatory a way as possible.

Too, are there things you need to do to deal with the spreading of your identity? Or is it more that you're understandably hurt but there aren't big things you need to brace yourself for now that more people know?

[Hel]

Yeah I'm planning on asking my roommate first if she mentioned anything.

The gender thing isn't really worrisome... there are many supportive people and I knew it wasn't exactly a secret. However, I have another thing too.

I told my roommate a while ago that my bf (who is actually now just my friend) and I had oral sex and she agreed not to say anything... but I think she told her sister, the same one who has been talking about my gender identity. So now the whole grade knows my bf and I had oral sex.

I'm going to try and not be confrontational, but I want to get to the bottom of this.

[Sam W]

Ooof, it can be really rough when you start feeling like other secrets (or semi-secrets) you shared got out without your permission. I think dialing back what you confide in your roommate might be a sound next step, even more so than trying to figure out if certain information has gotten out and whether it was her sister or her who passed it on. Even if it wasn't, that worry that if you tell your roommate something it might get out can be stressful in and of itself, so cutting back what things you share with her might make things less stressful in the long run. How does that sound?

[Hel]

I talked to her and she was extremely apologetic. She said she didn’t remember saying anything but acknowledged it was very possible and she said she was so sorry if her sister said anything to make it worse. I’m not upset with her, but yeah I will cut back on sharing things with her. I think she probably said something by accident and now people are gossiping.

I’m not going to confront the gossipers because I think that will make things worse. My roommate suggested just ignoring it and giving it a week because by then they will probably be gossiping about something else. She also said if she heard people gossiping about me and my now-best-friend-former-boyfriend she will try to get them to stop talking about it.

I’m glad I talked to her because she is a genuine person and I know she probably just said something by accident. The fact that she owned up to it, is taking the blame, gave me advice on how to handle the situation, and is trying to defuse the situation makes me feel a lot better.

[Siân]

Hi Hel,

I'm glad that your roommate was able to take responsibility and is doing her best to help reduce the fallout. She's probably right that if the flames of gossip aren't stoked then people will mostly move on and talk about other things, but it can still be hard knowing that such personal stuff was shared without your permission. How are you feeling about it now?

[Hel]

Hi,
I've tried to just keep on going and focus on building a friendship with my bf (I guess now he's my ex but I prefer to just think of him as my best-friend). I haven't addressed the issue since I've talked to my roommate and I hope it just goes away gradually. There's only a week left in school anyway so I think it will be okay.

[Urna]

Hey Hel,

I read through this thread, and I'm really sorry that this happened to you. I'm glad, though, that you've been very resilient throughout the hard times you've been having for the past few months, and that you're focusing on rebuilding your friendship with your ex! And yeah, it's best to just let the issue fade away, now that you've brought it up with your roommate and made your displeasure clear. I hope the last week of school passes with zero hitches, and that you aren't made to feel uncomfortable by anyone regarding your gender and sexual identity.

[Hel]

Everything is better now... it’s summer so I don’t have to think about it until fall. Most people in my class support me and the rest avoid me so I guess that’s fine…? At least my friends are cool about it.

Rant time:

I’m really angry the school hasn’t done anything. I suggested that the teachers send out a reminder email with tips to help the school be more inclusive. I even told my parents about the issue and I asked them to complain about me being harassed about my gender and sexuality. (It’s happened multiple times.) No one did sh*t about it. Thanks school Anyway so now I’m doing my own inclusivity thing and making field trips/speakers/Pride events/other events to make the school better for victims of discrimination such as myself.

I’m just so disappointed in humanity right now. Like, I’ve been HARASSED and BULLIED about who I am. And the school hasn’t even lifted a finger?! Leaving ME, a student, to singlehandedly create an initiative for inclusivity? Why hasn’t this been done already? Why can’t the school show their support for me? Everyone keeps telling me I’m taking it too seriously, that I shouldn’t flaunt my identity (which I don’t and even if I did I shouldn’t be bullied about it), and that I’m taking it personally and other people have been harassed too. Like yeah other people were bullied but this happened to me and I’m the only one who seems to care enough to stand up for myself!!

Any advice on how to deal with this BS??? Also why can’t queer people get the help and rights we deserve?

[Lu C]

Hi Hel!

I'm glad you reached out again, and that you are feeling comfortable with your friends and the rest of the class as is. I'm sorry though, that you have found no support from your school.

It's safe to say that a lot of people in the community go through a similar experience when facing discrimination, harassment and bullying, institutions are unprepared for a number of reasons: some people in power might really don't care because their privileges remain untouched, others might be blatantly against the LGBTQA+ community, others might simply not understand how harmful these situations can be.

However, I have to congratulate you for your bravery and commitment. I'm sorry that you feel that no one is going to get things done if you don't do them, but what you are doing is probably changing things for the better for yourself and other people. You are turning your frustration into something productive and helpful, and that, in my eyes, is inspiring and beautiful.

My honest advice would be that you start looking for support in other members of the community, so you can build inclusivity together, spreading awareness. That will most likely be less frustrating than hoping that your school will show the support you deserve. Don't get me wrong, you will probably still have to fight for that, but maybe sharing that burden with the other people who have been harmed can prove more effective and take some weight off your shoulders. Do you think that's possible?

[Hel]

Thanks for the empathy and the suggestions. I will definitely try to find members of the school community to help me with my initiative, and I just met with a friend today who wanted to help. Hopefully slowly but steadily this can provide education for the homophobes and support for the members of the LGBTQ+ BIPOC communities, as well as any allies or questioning people.

[Urna]

That sounds amazing, Hel. I'm sure you'll build something truly beautiful, as a community!